wondering what it's like to feel true addiction
sounds float aimlessly into the air
disintegrate, disperse themselves quietly and quickly
only to join with other particles
creating a fabulously colorful dissonance
such a space compared to my own
as I stare out softly beyond myself
trying to recall all these things I never knew
in a lifetime much to small and much too endless
who am I to know? who am I to say?
what lies ahead of all of us
how long I have before my stain is rubbed clean
I look into an eternity now
wondering if there was ever really a place for me
seeing only from behind these eyes
expressing myself the only ways I have ever been taught to express myself
not looking to end it all, really
just looking for a delay to inevitable pain
uncountable explosions inside my head
brings only confusion and delusion and sadness
altered state of consciousness
but do you see through me?
does everyone see through me?
when I walk down the street and you look out from your eyes
do you see that I am struggling to live out this cruel joke bieng played on me?
I can thing on all of these things and never really know. Never have any answers.
At least I'm trying.
------------------------------------------
Silver and I think of you
I look down at my own hands
spraypaint splashed across them
chipped nailpolish
but still shiny and silver
and reminding me
of all there is left to say
even what I've said a million times
I don't need you to tell me
I need you to trust me
if only for a moment
that you will close your eyes
and just let me touch you
I could protect your heart
I could
Do you believe?
I picture us setting the world ablaze
a phoenix
that would rise from it's own ashes
a changed thing
and we would be king and queen
of forgiving and forgetting and starting over
two silouhettes against a horizon of all that is new, all that is remembered, and all that is love.
-------------------------
Profound insight into a life without balance
a life that knows how beautifully meaningless existence is
and still pushes on
because it knows how much smaller it could be
a closer look behind the eyes of a person
who can't tell yet if there's a point
but knows not to end it too soon when there's still so much to wonder.
I find that human biengs are in constant self-contradiction
and from my own experience
it's better to realize and accept that fact for what it is and move on knowing it.
Nobody really understands
which is the risk in life
to not know what's going to happen, how significant things are.
And the joy in life?
anything that makes you happy enough to forget what you don't know.
----------------------------------
my hands are the dirty color of a melted rainbow
I'm not always so clean, but I don't mind
the silence of the moment surrounding me
is drowned out by a familiar hum
and I breathe in home
my shoes are uncomfortable and interrupting my thought
like maybe without them I would fly somewhere
here is better than scared, better than crying, better than the confusion of bieng alone
there is comfort here
sleep here
outlet here-time to think about my shoes.
Maybe I shouldn't, but this is the closest I've come to calling somewhere my own.