HUMOUR PAGE

Here is some humour for you all to enjoy...hope you get a good laugh...contributed by Rachel..our sister vixen.

Please, check your computers before use; here are some terrifying new viruses:
Freudian Virus - your computer becomes obsessed with its own motherboard...or becomes very jealous of the size of your friend's hard drive.

Lorena Bobbit Virus - turns your hard disk into a 3.5 inch floppy.

Tonya Harding Virus - turns your .BAT files into lethal weapons.

Paul Revere Virus - warns of an impending virus infection: 1 if by LAN, 2 if by C:\.

Hillary Rodham Clinton Virus - instantly turns 1K of disk space into 1 Meg.

Ollie North Virus - plays a patriotic .WAV while it shreds your files.

Joey Buttafuaco Virus - only attacks minor files.

Jane Fonda Virus - attacks your hard drive's FAT.

Oprah Winfrey Virus - your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, then slowly expands to 300MB.

AT&T Virus - Every three minutes, it tells you what great service you are getting.

MCI Virus - every three minutes, it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus.

Politically Correct Virus - never calls itself "virus," but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism."

Ross Perot Virus - activates every component in your system, just before the whole darn thing quits.

Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus - terminates and stays resident. (It'll be back!)

Government Economist Virus - nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

Federal Beaurocrat Virus - divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.

Congressional Virus #1 - the computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half, blaming the other side for the problem.

Congressional Virus #2 - runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything.

Airline Virus - you're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.

PBS Virus - your computer stops every few minutes to ask for money.

Teenager Virus - ditto!

Jimmy Hoffa Virus - your program can never be found again.

LAPD Virus - it claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases them in self-defense.

O.J. Virus - it claims that it did not, could not and would not delete two of your files, and vows to find the virus that did it.

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1. Here are some things that make you go Hmmmm!

Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?

Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?

If you can't drink and drive, why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor, and why do bars have parking lots?

Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?

If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?

If a cow laughed real hard, would milk come out her nose?

If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick o the pan?

If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?

If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when ou turn on the headlights?

You know how most packages say "Open here". What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"?

Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?

Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?

Why isn't "palindrome" spelled the same way backwards?

Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?

You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?

Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

If you have your finger touching the rearview mirror that says -- "objects in mirror are closer than they appear", how can that be possible?

Why is it so hard to remember how to spell MNEMONIC?

If someone invented instant water, what would they mix it with?

Why is it called a TV "set" when you only get one?

Why does your nose run and your feet smell?

Why does an alarm clock "go off" when it begins ringing?

If pro is the opposite of con, is progress the opposite of congress?

Why does "cleave" mean both split apart and stick together?

Why is it, whether you sit up or sit down, the result is the same?

Why is it called a "building" when it is already built?

Why do they call them "apartments" when they are all stuck ogether?

Why is there an expiration date on SOUR cream?

If you keep trying to prove Murphy's Law, will something keep going wrong?

Why does flammable and inflammable mean the same thing?

How can someone "draw a blank"?

Shouldn't there be a shorter word for "monosyllabic"?

Why is the word "abbreviate" so long?

Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

What is another word for "thesaurus"?

When they ship styrofoam, what do they pack it in?

If 75% of all accidents happen within 5 miles of home, why not move 10 miles away?

Why doesn't "onomatopoeia" sound like what it is?

Why do 'tug'boats push their barges?

Why do we sing 'Take me out to the ball game', when we are already there?

Why are they called 'stands' when they're made for sitting?

Why is there only ONE Monopolies Commission?

Does a fish get cramps after eating?

Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?

Why is it when two planes almost hit each other it is called a "near-miss"? Shouldn't it be called a "near-hit"?

What does Geronimo say when he jumps out of a plane?