Letter to My Animals
Dear Dogs and Cats,
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The
other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note that placing a
paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not mean it becomes
your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the
slightest.
The stairway is not a race track. Beating me to the bottom is not
the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you
can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king-sized bed. I am very
sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch
to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball
when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each
other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that
sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other
end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm and disrespect.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom.
If, by some miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut,
it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or
stick your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must
exit through the same door I entered. I have been using the bathroom
for years--canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's
butt, NOT THE OTHER WAY AROUND. I cannot stress this enough!
To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message
on our front door:
Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Always Complain About Our Pets
1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
(That's why they call it "fur"niture .)
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter
who is short, hairy, walks on all fours, and does not speak clearly.
Remember: Dogs and cats are better than kids because they: eat less,
don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come
when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using
friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about having to buy the
latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't need a gazillion
dollars for college, and if they get pregnant, you can sell their
children.
(
geocities.com/vickilhansen)