See Part One for Disclaimers
Part Three
Phileas came to with a pounding headache. There seemed to be a lot of giggling and snickering going on, and quite a few female voices were raised in a rather rowdy cheer. He opened his eyes and sat up, staring around in amazement. He was tied up with shocking pink yarn, in the main room aboard the Aurora. Passepartout, sitting up beside him and shaking his head, was tied up with bright green yarn. Jules lay just beyond. His bonds were all white with a few additional strands of lavender and pale pink. Phileas wondered vaguely why Verne should be tied up with white yarn, when he could see more piles of brightly colored yarn lying on the table in the center of the room.
A large crowd of women, some wearing red, and a few with devil horns, stood on the deck near the steering ball. They seemed to be having a very giggly party, with lots of little mango-pinapple canapÈs. Squirt guns and party horns were being used, amid squeals of laughter.
Passepartout let out a gasp of horror. "Oh, no, Master! We have been abducturated by the Evil Twins!"
"Are you sure, Passepartout?" asked Phileas.
"How can you tell them apart from regular society members?" Asked Jules, struggling to free himself from his bonds.
"From the bunny ears on the Evil Ish! They are more -- more eviler than the Good Twin's bunny ears."
As Phileas turned his gaze back to the women, he wondered if the constant danger had not addled poor Passepartout's wits. His eye fell on Evil Ish, cackling wildly and squirting her gun at several other Twins. Her bunny ears were more evil? What was the man talking about? How could one pair of bunny ears be more evil than another?
Jules discovered a large basket at his side. He peered into it. "Hey! Food!" He exclaimed. "At least they don't intend to starve us."
"What kind of food are they going to be giving us?" inquired Phileas, frowning.
"All kinds of good things!" Answered Jules excitedly. "Let's see, fresh strawberries, whipped cream, mango-flavored cake frosting, chocolate sauce.... Oh, and peanut butter, and something called, er, Cheez Whiz™."
Passepartout looked anxious. "I am seeing a bucket filled with lots of little oysters, too, Master. I am thinking this is not looking peachy good for us."
Phileas let out a groan. "Oh, dear God," he breathed.
Jules looked at them, perplexed. "What? What's the matter?"
Phileas looked incredulous. "Verne? You don't understand the significance of these items?"
Jules looked blank. "It may not represent a very balanced diet, but --"
"'Balanced diet!'" Phileas closed his eyes. "I don't believe it," he said. He turned to his young friend, astonished. "Verne, have you never --"
One of the women looked around, and squealed, "Oh, goody! They're awake!" All the ladies moved to crowd around the three men, smiling wickedly at them. The three captives felt a little trickle of fear creep down their spines, as the Evil Twins drew near. The eager anticipation in each evil face was terrible to behold.
The ground forces paused long enough on the 90th floor to re-load their weapons from the supplies stored within The Luggage's apparently bottomless depths. This included replacing the charges in the flamethrowers.
While passing out fresh rounds of jellybeans and cookies, General Gaelle pulled out a garden rake. She blinked at it, and looked down into The Luggage with a frown. "Captain Lorrellai," she called, "what is this doing in here?"
Lorrellai walked over and looked at the assortment of gardening supplies. "Well...."
"Yes?"
Lorrellai shrugged and blushed. "Well, my neighbor, old Miss Pettigrew, asked me to pick up a few things she needed for her garden. She has trouble getting around, poor thing, so I said --"
"You took The Luggage shopping?" demanded Gaelle.
"Well, yeah. Those bags of fertilizer weigh a ton, you know. Anyway, The Luggage doesn't mind. It likes being used. Don't you, Snappy?" This last was addressed in a fond voice to The Luggage, which seemed to quiver, and bobbed up and down in happy agreement.
Gaelle stared at it. "Snappy?" she repeated faintly. Then she shook her head. She stuffed the rake back into The Luggage and turned back to her troops.
"Are you all ready?"
"YES!"
"Then let's go!"
The intrepid ground forces entered the stairwell, and began the 10 story climb up to the 100th floor. They sealed the doors to the other floors as they passed, with duct tape and super glue, so the villains could not attack them from the rear. The Luggage surged eagerly up the stairs, its many legs moving tirelessly.
They climbed for several floors, without encountering anything more threatening than a frightened junior typist, who immediately surrendered, and was left tied up with a crumb-cake snack.
As they continued upward, they found the stairwell choked with office furniture, desks, chairs, typewriter tables, and broken computers, thrown down by the evil programmers on the 100th floor. The higher they climbed, the more debris they encountered, until, by the 99th floor, progress had slowed, literally to a crawl, as they were forced to climb over the damaged furniture. They had to help each other, and even The Luggage had to be lifted at one point, and carried over a particularly bad tangle of hat stands and bookshelves. Pencils and paperclips littered the floor, making the footing even more treacherous.
"Hoopskirts and climbing," muttered Sutherndesignr grimly, "do not mix."
At last the door marked '100th Floor' came into sight. The Victorian Valkyries paused for a breather. The stairwell here was a vast wasteland of demolished office furniture. A rush on the door was clearly impossible.
Just then, the panicked programmers above began throwing more yet more office supplies down upon the Valkyrie's heads, in an effort to hold them off.
"Cover your heads," General Gaelle shouted in warning, as the barrage of office supplies began. She ordered her troops to take what cover they could, and called for assistance on the radio.
Once the villains ran out of telephones and three-ring-notebooks, they began on the smaller office items, using rubber bands to slingshot staplers and Post-It notes at the Valkyries in the stairwell with fearsome accuracy. MaraG had a bruise on her forehead from a savage pencil sharpener, while several others had severe paper cuts.
[Even the cameraman was panting and hiding. He had been hit in the power pack by a particularly vicious floppy disc.]
Now, pinned down by flying stationary, and helpless, they waited in the stairwell for help to arrive.
Evil Isharell, wearing a fetching red dress, and a round white pin over her heart with the word 'BOSS' spelled out in flashing red lights, walked over to the three captives, and stood looking down at them with a terribly smug expression. The other Evil Twins hovered at her side, smiling with wicked glee at the unhappy prisoners.
"We'll never help you," cried Jules, struggling against his pastel-colored bonds. "I'll DIE before I help the League of Darkness!" Evil Isharell smiled, and knelt to look into his adorable eyes. She reached out to tousle his curly hair, and several other Evils hissed, and came up behind her. She drew her hand back, with a little frown and a sideways glance at her evil companions.
"We don't all work for the League of Darkness anymore," smiled Evil CatCat, from over Evil Ish's shoulder. "We're doin' it for ourselves, now!" The other ladies howled and cackled with psychotic glee.
"Yes, some of us have left the League, but some of us are still members." smiled Evil Gilesluver. "I just became eligible for the Dental Plan, and the Count himself told me, if I just keep going the way I am, I'll soon have a flying ship of my very own -- and he'll even validate my parking!"
Evil Ish looked sulky and rather jealous. "Oh, yeah, here she goes again. 'I'm Count Gregory's favorite!'" She mocked, stamping her foot. "Just because he liked the present you gave him for Evil Boss's Day best, you think you have the inside track."
Evil Gilesluver glared at her. "Well, I just happened to remember he wanted to have his joints chromed -- you could've pitched in, and helped pay for it."
Evil Lorrellai laughed, "Instead you gave him that cheap toupee! I really thought he was going to blow a gasket!" All the other Evils howled with laughter, but Evil Ish just stood there, glowering at them. "And then, after he caught you with that silly squirt gun, he fired you for Limp and Wimpy Wickedness Unbecoming An Evil Twin!" Evil Ish's eyes narrowed dangerously, and she ground her teeth, the little squirt gun clenched in one hand.
The three men looked on hopefully. If a fight broke out among the Evil Twins, they might be able to effect an escape. They exchanged glances, and looked around desperately for anything that might be used to cut through their bonds. Apart from the cutting looks being exchanged between the Evil Twins, there was nothing nearby that could help them.
"Darn it," Aronmaegalexmom exclaimed, "The Ground Crew are pinned down on the 99th floor." The other Grey Caballeros frowned.
"So near, and yet so far," they sighed. The remaining prisoners were rumored to be on the 100th floor, along with the Evil Leader of the Programmers.
VicciV sighed. "I hate to say this, but we'll need to send in the Rubber Ducky reserve crew through the windows on the 100th floor."
The other Caballeros all sighed and nodded their heads in agreement. Tersely, VicciV explained the plan to the Valkyries on the flying Rubber Duck. General Moonhart would lead the charge, which would hopefully distract the villains long enough for the Ground Crew to come up out of the stairwell and join in the attack.
[Davodd broke in. "And now, we have a Special Report from Bob, our Other Reporter. He is coming to you Live from the flight deck of the HMS Rubber Ducky. Bob?"
The view switched to Bob the Other Reporter. He had a hand pressed to one ear and was frowning in concentration. "Are we ready? Am I on?" He asked. Then he straightened and faced the camera with a very serious face.
"Ladies and Gentlemen, I am speaking to you direct from the flight deck of the HMS Rubber Ducky. To my left is the brave pilot of the Rubber Ducky, Isharell." Fortunately, Bob the Other Reporter had been in the hold during the pilot's sudden lapse in concentration, and knew nothing about the previous misadventure.
Isharell, busy at the wheel, flashed a smile and held up a small sign with the words 'Hi Mom' clearly written on it. As the camera panned away, she dropped the sign, and continued steering the aero-duck.
"Over here," he pointed to a group of women, all feverishly loading bins of ammunition into the Ducky's guns, "We can see the intrepid Flight Crew, hard at work. And here we have General Moonhart. General, it appears we have a situation going on with the ground crew in the building. Please explain."
General Moonhart, barely concealing her annoyance at the interruption of her conference with her officers, frowned and nodded briefly.
"Well, Bob, it appears that the main Attack Group are trapped in the stairwell, and unable to reach their ultimate goal."
"Can you give our viewers any details?" Bob the Other Reporter asked eagerly, shoving the microphone back into her face. "Is there a rescue mission being planned?"
"Now, Bob, I really can't comment. I understand the Public's right to know, but right now our Sisters are in grave danger. I don't want to give out too much information until they are safe."
When Bob the Other Reporter tried to argue with her, Davodd cut in again from the ground, wearing a fierce frown.
"I am sure," he stated firmly, "we want to do NOTHING that would endanger the lives of those valiant and fearless warriors known as the Victorian Valkyries. We will give out more information as it becomes available."]
Just when an argument between Evil Ish and Evil Lorrellai seemed imminent, Evil Faeling spoke up, "Chill it, babes! We need to discuss dividing up our Treasure." She gave both angry Evils a challenging look with a little toss of her head. Her twisty devil horns gleamed in the light. "It needs to be fair and equitable to ALL." The other Evils nodded fervently, despite the fact that each wanted nothing of the sort. 'All for me' was the predominant thought in each Evil little mind.
"Of course," answered Evil Ish, with a little shrug of her shoulders. "I think we should draw lots."
"Oh, here she goes, bossing us around again," said Evil Zhaansacolyte, in exasperation. "We only agreed to let you lead us until the Plan was complete. Well," gesturing at their captives, "we have what we wanted. The Plan is OVER." She glared into Evil Ish's wicked green eyes. After a moment, Evil Ish looked away, with a sulky frown.
"Well, fine!" She exclaimed, pouting. "What do YOU think we should do now?"
The other Evils considered this. They glanced at each other suspiciously, but no one seemed ready to speak.
"What about a poker game?" asked Evil Faeling at last. The other ladies glared at her.
"No fair! You play better than the rest of us!" they cried.
"Lots, then," said Evil Lyn. Evil Ish crossed her arms and looked smug. The Evil Twins all sighed and nodded.
"Okay," They agreed, "We draw lots, and we'll see who gets lucky first." They all giggled like naughty 2nd graders planning a food fight.
Then Pur'Evl spoke up, "'Ere, mates, who's going to do it? All of US evils would cheat. Woof!"
All the other Evils nodded slowly. This was true, they would all cheat, and they all knew it.
Evil Redmayne smiled suddenly. "We'll make one of THEM do it," she cried, pointing at the three unfortunate men who lay tied up on the floor, watching silently as their future was decided by this band of psychotic females.
The other ladies seemed to think this was a pretty spiffy idea. While they began discussing what to use for the drawing, Evil Ish slipped into the galley. A few moments later, she returned, pushing a cart. It was covered with glasses, and Phileas was outraged to see that she had brought out several bottles of his finest and most expensive champagne.
"Okay, ladies," she called happily, "Before we begin the drawing, I think we all deserve a little something special!"
All the ladies gathered round eagerly and filled their glasses. Evil Ish looked around with a big smile. "Okay, ladies, here's to all of you! I couldn't have done it without you! Bottoms up!"
Giggling, all the Evil Twins drained their glasses, and instantly fell to the floor, unconscious.
Evil Isharell put down her untasted drink, and laughed triumphantly. "Make fun of my little squirt gun! Well, I showed you!" She squirted a couple of the Twins with it and howled with joy. She looked down at Evil Gilesluver and began jumping up and down with mad glee. "So much for seniority! I've been owing you one for whacking me during the Chippendales Caper." She danced around, chortling with mirth. "I fooled you ALL!"
General Moonhart walked over to Isharell with a heavy heart. "Well, Ishy, we'll need you to continue the barrage through the windows --"
"But -- but -- you mean I don't get to fight?" The pilot cried. "But I'm the ABS Minister of Mayhem! Look, I just got a new frypan and now I have this cool croquet mallet," she waved it wildly in the air, forcing Moonhart to duck hastily, "- I can really WHOP the bad guys -"
Moonhart grabbed the mallet and patted her on the shoulder. "I am sorry, honey, but there's no one else who can fly the Ducky."
Isharell sniffled and pointed at Bob the Other Reporter, still commenting in the background. "Well, what about him? Why can't he fly her?"
"Ishy, he's a reporter. He isn't supposed to make the news, just comment on it."
"But -- but -"
[Bob the Other Reporter walked over and shoved his microphone in Isharell's face. "I am sure our viewers would be glad to hear your side of this argument." His smile showed a mouth full of teeth that would be the envy of any shark, "I just know they will be riveted to their seats by all this anguish and drama."
Ish gave him a fish-eyed look. "No comment." She turned back to the wheel, but the idiot -- er, reporter continued harassing her.
"Oh, come on, ma'am -" he began, but she rounded on him.
"WHAT did you call me?"
"Why, why, I called you ma'am, ma'am -" he smiled again and Isharell, her mind still buzzing with the caffeine jolt provided from Zhaansacolyte's Special Blend, suddenly recognized him.
"Aarrggh! It's the Evil Prussian Spy from Crusader in the Crypt wearing a fake mustache and a cheap toupee!"
The other Valkyries turned on him. He backed away, grinning foolishly.
"No wonder we were losing -- you're working for the OTHER SIDE!" They screamed, and threw him and his camera overboard. The Evil Minion fell, and fell, and fell.... and landed at last in a compost heap, which swallowed him up without a trace. A proper end to any Evil Prussian Spy wearing a fake mustache and a cheap toupee.]
"Okay," muttered Ish, straightening her bunny ears. "No more Miss Nice Girl. Let's do this thing right."
The Grey Cabal radioed Davodd. "What's the deal with the phony reporter?" VicciV demanded.
"I am just about to go on, to try to explain this to our viewers," He began, but his fellow Grey Caballero interrupted.
"Well, explain it to US!" She exclaimed.
Davodd shook his head. "I really didn't know -- they hired him while I was on vacation! His resume looked okay when I reviewed it, how could I guess he was a League of Darkness plant?"
"Well, he's been returned to his origins, then," said VicciV drily.
[Davodd appeared on screen again, wearing a very grave expression. "I regret to inform you, ladies and gentlemen, that Bob the Other Reporter was a Spy for the Enemy. Fortunately, the pilot of the Rubber Ducky, under the influence of a caffeine overload, recognized him for the faker he was. He has been dealt with in a fitting fashion. I want to apologize to the Victorian Valkyries for inadvertently bringing this serpent into your midst. What can I say? He was only a temp."]
Evil Isharell continued dancing around her fallen comrades for several minutes. The three captives stared at her in silent astonishment.
"Are they dead?" asked Jules at last. Evil Ish stopped her mad dance and straightened, smoothing her bunny ears. She freshened her scarlet lipstick in the mirror and then glanced at Jules with a little flirtatious smirk.
"No, they're just asleep." She snickered, "THEY all thought the Plan ended when we caught you -- but now, at last, I have what I always wanted!" She walked over to stand over them, her eyes blazing with total madness. "Phileas! You're mine! ALL MINE!" She threw back her head and cackled with insane -- abruptly, she turned around and looked up at the ceiling.
"Hey, you!" She shook her fist at the ceiling. The men watched in open-mouthed amazement.
{"Who, me?" answered the scene writer.}
"Yes, you! Scene writer! Stop saying I cackle. It's not true."
{"But, you DO cackle."}
She stamped her foot. "Not true! Maybe I snicker a little -- but no cackling! Anyway, which one are you?"
{"Erm, er, VicciV?"}
"Nah, not her style. Besides, I hear she's been sick."
{"Lorrellai?"}
"No, not her."
{"How about Zhaansacolyte?"}
"Smeg, no! She would've had Rebecca and Phileas flirting like mad. And I know you're not Moonhart, 'cause we're not at the beach! Wait! I know! You must be Faeling!"
{"Faeling's stories are often rather silly...."}
"Well, this is VERY silly. Am I right? I am, aren't I?" She looked triumphant.
{"Umm.... you're just too smart for me, Evil Ish."}
"Yes!" The Evil Twin cack- er, snickered evilly. "Okay, then! Since I guessed, you have to do what I say! You know how this is supposed to end -- me with a VERY happy smile!"
{"Well. . . . okay. If that's what you really want."}
"It is!" she exclaimed. "And no fooling around, and messing things up, got it?"
{"Got it."}
Still giggling happily, she grabbed Phileas by the feet and dragged him into the other room. Fogg clenched his teeth, determined to meet his awful fate with silent dignity.
"Fight her, Fogg!" Jules shouted. "Don't give in!"
Passepartout cried, "Be letting my Master go, Evil One! Take Passepartout instead for your wicked depravitivity!"
Evil Ish stuck her head around the door. Her bunny ears quivered with laughter. "Don't worry boys, I'll be back for you later!" She giggled madly and disappeared behind the door.
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