See Part One for Disclaimers

Part Six

While the Valkyries dragged the angry (and completely unsatisfied) Evil Isharell away from the very relieved and mortally embarrassed Phileas, Madame Sneaky slipped into the room, carrying a gun.

"Sneaky!" Evil Ish yelled happily, "Shoot them!"

But Madame Sneaky shook her head.  "Ah'm awful sorry, miss, but Ah just can't do that," she said, her beady rat eyes filled with mischief.  With a naughty little snicker, she shot Evil Ish instead.

Evil Ish let out a shriek, "Oh!  Ice water!  That's my squirt gun!" Her eyes narrowed.  "Hey!  When did you get a southern accent?"

Madame Sneaky laughed.  She pulled off her wig and George W mask.  Phileas, Jules, and Passepartout all gasped, "It's Samuel Clemens!"

Rebecca smiled.  "Yes.  We knew the Evil Twins were planning a coup, and I asked Mr.  Clemens to infiltrate their number.  He only got the details of the plan a short while ago, so we decided to let the coup take place, in order to be certain of capturing ALL of the Evil Twins."

"You did a very good job," she complemented him with an admiring little smile.

He smiled and blushed.  "Well, it wasn't so hard, once Ah got used to these here shoes and things the ladies have to wear.  How  you can do all you do in these clothes is beyond me."

Now Rebecca blushed, and laughed.

Phileas, soaking wet and still lying tied up on the bed in all his disheveled glory, cleared his throat.  "Rebecca, if you are QUITE finished flirting with this man, would you PLEASE be good enough to untie me?"

Passepartout leapt forward, "Oh, I am miss-remembering -- I have the scissors!" He began to cut through Phileas' bonds.

Rebecca looked at Phileas thoughtfully, eyes dancing.  "You know, Phil," she mused, "that shade of lipstick really becomes you."

Phileas glared at her, and Passepartout wiped hurriedly at his Master's face with a handkerchief.  He made as though to rub at his Master's chest, but Phileas let out a yell, "Stop that, you idiot!  Just hurry up and untie me before that lunatic comes back with a camera!" He snapped testily.  Passepartout hid a grin, and began cutting through the yarn again.

"I am sorry, Master," the Valet said, "but this is being very very hard."  At his master's furious look, he added, "To be cutting through all this pretty yarn, I am meaning, with these little teensy scissors."

Phileas ground his teeth and turned to his cousin, "Rebecca, I cannot believe you allowed these mad women to abduct us and then waited so long to stop it."  His tone was one of outrage.

"But, Phileas, I was sure you would be able to rise to the occasion," answered Rebecca drily.  Evil Isharell began to sob lustily.

Sam Clemens shrugged.  "Well, the one thing Miss Evil Ish, here, didn't tell me was WHERE they were planning to carry ya'll off to.  So we had to hunt around a bit.  Why, we'd probably still be lookin' for ya'll if that there Qvack-Signal hadn't gone off."

Passepartout beamed with pride.

"But he's MINE!  I caught him fair and square!" Evil Ish wailed, laying the shreds of Phileas' shirt against her heart and sobbing with frustration.  "You're all just JEALOUS 'cause I caught him first!"

Redmayne sighed, and whacked the psychotic Twin on the head with a frying pan.  Evil Ish fell on the floor, a blissful smile on her face.

Jules looked at her.  "Well, she got her wish.  She IS smiling."

"And there was not any fooling around, either," tittered Passepartout.  Phileas shot him a very cross look, as the valet finished cutting the yarn from his hands.  Jules just looked confused.

Frowning, Jules leaned over and picked something up off the floor.  It had fallen from the bed, as the Evil Twin was being dragged off her prey.  It was a wide, somewhat oddly shaped brown bottle, labeled 'Hershey's Syrup.'

"Isn't this a dessert topping?" He asked innocently.  "What's it doing in here? Where's the dessert?"

Everyone stared at the young writer.  Then, as though pulled by a string, all heads turned to Phileas, who flushed, groaned, and covered his face with his hands.  "No, oh no.....  Oh, what a nightmare....  can this get any worse?" He shuddered.

After one silent, breathless moment, one of the Valkyries began to titter, then another, and another, until even Rebecca began to giggle.  Samuel Clemens stared resolutely at the ceiling, his jaw working.  When the wave of giggles hit Passepartout, he struggled manfully against the tide for a moment, but then the laughter broke from him like the cork from a bottle of cheap champagne and they  all started laughing.  Rebecca was forced to clutch at Samuel Clemens for support, while tears of laughter ran down her face.  Everyone was overcome with hysteria.

Everyone, that is, except for Jules, who stood, puzzled and completely bewildered, still holding the bottle, and poor Phileas, who sat, half-dressed and soaking wet, on the edge of the bed.

At that moment, an elderly gentleman stuck his head around the door.  "I beg your pardon," He smiled.  "I did knock, but no one answered.  I am the Vicar from the next village."

Rebecca controlled herself.  "How can we help you?" She asked.

"Well -- I realize that I am early," He smiled.  "Oh!  Are all of you gathered here for the wedding?" He asked happily.  "Really, that  is nice...."

Rebecca's eyes grew large.  "Wedding?" She gasped.  All the Valkyries stared.

Phileas sat frozen, white-faced.

The elderly Vicar beamed.  "Yes, I have the license right here, as requested," He waved a piece of parchment at them.  The Valkyries eyes followed the paper like a swinging watch in the hands of a master hypnotist.

"Who -- who is getting married?" asked Jules.

"Well, it was arranged by the bride, a Miss Evil Isharell -- charming girl, although she did have a rather....  strange laugh, and, er, let me see...."  The elderly Vicar adjusted his pince-nez and peered at the license.

"And," Rebecca prompted breathlessly.

"And a Mr., er, Phileas Hunky-Poo."  He smiled around the room.  "Is Mr.  Hunky-Poo here?" He inquired innocently.

This time, even Jules got the joke.

As the laughter thundered around the room, Phileas closed his eyes and ground his teeth together with acute embarrassment.  "Someone please, just shoot me," he moaned.

The Victorian Valkyries stood by for the obligatory Evil Villain's Explanation.  It only took a few moments to set up the TV camera.  Davodd nodded to his cameraman, and turned to the Evil Villain, who sat quietly steaming in his leather chair.

"I am coming to you Live, from the 100th floor office of the Evil Leader of the Sci-Fi Channel Programming Department.  I am here with the intrepid Victorian Valkyries, who have captured our enemy, the Leader of the Sci-Fi Channel, who has amazingly turned out to be none other than Sir Jonathan Chatsworth, the Head of the British Secret Service!  Now then, Sir Jonathan.  Perhaps we could start at the beginning.  Why did you take over the Sci-Fi Channel, and betray your friends on  The Secret Adventures of Jules Verne?"

"Well, for a start, they never  were my friends.  I didn't  like any of them."  He answered rather smugly.  "I took over the Sci-Fi Channel because I felt the need to....  expand my horizons.  I felt rather stifled in that ratty little office in England."

"Hmph!  The only rat in that office was him!" Duesouthpaww exclaimed.

Davodd frowned.  "All right.  Explain to our viewing audience why you moved  The Secret Adventures of Jules Verne to that infernal time slot."

Chatsworth smiled very nastily.  It wasn't hard for him to do.  "Well, as a matter of fact, I acted from a sense of deep betrayal."

"Betrayal?  You felt betrayed?  By whom?"

Sir Jonathan ground his teeth together.  "By the producers and writers of that wretched program."  He stopped, glaring at them all, and began to sweat profusely.

"Perhaps you could explain --"

"They LIED to me!  They said --" The Evil maniac slammed his fists into the desk.  There was a sudden loud SQUELCH!  Long splatters of mud surrounded his fists.

He raised a hand and a jet of mud shot out, enveloping the big camera.  Davodd's cameraman screamed and ran out of the room.  The other cameraman, having seen many more bizarre sights during his journey to the 100th floor with the Victorian Valkyries, continued filming on his mobile.

Davodd stepped back, and stood shoulder to shoulder with his fellow Valkyries.  "Who are you?" he asked.

"Who am I? WHO am I?" The villain laughed.  The more he moved, the more he seemed to sweat a thick dark liquid.  It oozed from his sleeves.  He reached up and pulled off his Sir J.  mask and threw it on the desk, still laughing.  Then he ripped at his clothing, which came off all in one piece, like a rubber suit, and stood revealed, in all his hideous, goopy, glory.

"It's the Gooey Golem!" They cried in disbelief.

"Yes!  It's ME!  HA ha ha ha ha ha!!!!!" The Golem shot out a couple of jets of mud as a warning to several Valkyries who were getting too close.

"You're the Head of Sci-Fi?"

"YES!  I took over months ago!" He roared.

"Where is Sir Jonathan?"

"He's locked up in the broom closet in the basement.  We let him out once a day for a brisk run with my Gerbils.  They enjoy chasing him with frying pans and cattle prods.  It's their favorite game, they call it 'Whack a Twerp.'"  He snickered.

"But what about Count Gregory?"

"Him?  That CGI fake?" The Golem scoffed.  "He is USELESS.  What a small mind!  No imagination at all.  I got  tired of listening to him and his never-ending litany: 'Destroy Phileas Fogg!  Bring me the head of Jules Verne!' Really, what a crashing bore!"  He shot more mud out, shouting, "Tell that infernal Duck to stay back!  I can smother you all before they have time to strike!"

As the order to the Rubber Ducky was relayed, the Villain continued.  "But in all his efforts, he never came as close as I!  Destroy Jules Verne and his friends? What better way than by destroying the very program they appear in? Yes!  That is why I had the schedule changed -- I wanted to  bury it for all time.  I knew that if I could only wipe it from the face of the earth, my humiliation would be forgotten."

"Humiliation?" Davodd prompted.

"Yes.  My humiliation."  The Golem pounded the desk with rage, sending more mud splattering onto the floor.  The Luggage skittered back, away from the gooey mess.  "Imagine it!  My First Big Break....  A Starring Role!  There I was, all set for my Big Scene -- and what happened? At the last minute, they CHANGED my character.  They cut all my lines!  I went from being a horrific Holy Avenging Creation to -- to --" his voice broke in a sob.  "To being nothing more than a -- than A Man, In A Rubber Suit."  He broke down and wept muddy tears.

After a moment, he controlled himself and went on.  "What was I to do? I had my Standards!  After all these centuries, was THIS what I was to be reduced to? After all my efforts, after all those endless, tedious, nerve-wracking auditions?"  He spread his gooey hands appealingly.  "I couldn't do it.  I  just couldn't do it.  I tried to explain my reasoning, but they shrugged me off -- 'We've changed our minds,' they said.  The fools!  Oh, I tried to argue.  But it was no use.  Even my  agent told me to go along."  He shook his slimy head and continued, in a softer tone.

"Here I had this marvelous character, this  really meaty part, and I was unable to complete it.  They scrapped  all my best scenes, and butchered my performance."  His voice rose once again.  "They wound up using my STUNT DOUBLE for the final scenes.  I have never been so humiliated."  He paused dramatically, and twisted his features into a grim smile.

"It became my driving ambition to destroy this program.  Utterly and completely!" He shook his fists at the ceiling and then rounded on the Valkyries.

"But YOU!  You obsessive Fans!  With your researching and your letters, and your Societies and your missing scenes!  You have ruined my Plan!  Well it won't work!  I will still defeat you!" He pulled a box out of the desk and shook it at them.  "Here is what you are looking for!  The remaining hostages!  Your precious 'Missing Scenes!' How I have laughed at your pitiful attempts to reconstruct them.  Here they are -- ALL of them!" As one, the Valkyries rushed forward, but the Golem raised his other hand and sprayed more gooey mud at them.  Some slipped and fell, others were frozen in place, their feet stuck to the floor.  He laughed maniacally.

The Valkyries whipped out their parasols and umbrellas, holding them in front of themselves, to act as protection from the Golem's mud.

He laughed.  "Your fashion accessories are no use against my Super-Goo!  Prepare to be MUDDI-FIED!" He shouted.  He raised his hand, preparing to send forth a smothering flood of gooey mud.

Suddenly, The Luggage scuttled forward over the gooey, sticky floor.  It slid to a stop in front of the desk, and popped open its lid, shooting something out.  Hundreds of seeds flew through the air, to settle on the Golem's gooey, sticky, well-fertilized form.  The villain uttered a yell of rage, but the sound was choked off, as seeds entered his mouth and took root.

He began to sprout.

The seeds grew with magical speed.  Flowers, fruits, and vegetables appeared all over him.  Two red tomatoes dangled around his ears like huge earrings.  Carrots hung from his mouth like absurd fangs.  Roses covered his torso, and cheerful daisies and dandelions sprang up from the top of his head.  One lone banana grew where no banana had grown before.  He was covered with plants from the creeping ivy on his feet to the posies on his head.  He looked like a Giant Chia-Golem.

He staggered forward, making a smothered roaring noise.  Little clumps of mud spat from his hands, dropping to the floor and sprouting little pansies.

Jae61 aimed the Rubber Ducky's laser at the Golem through the windows.  The laser worked instantly, drying and hardening his outer crust.  In another minute, the Giant Chia-Golem stood frozen, turned into a harmless Giant Clay-Pot Chia-Golem (tm).  With all the flowers and vegetables on him, he looked like a sure-fire first-prize winner at any gardening show.

"Gee," said Captain Lorrellai, rather numbly, "How will I ever explain to Miss Pettigrew what I did with her seeds?"

General Gaelle stepped forward and took the precious box of Missing Scenes from the Golem's outstretched hand.  As she turned to face her troops, they all let out a rousing cheer.

Meego, duesouthpaww's pet parrot, came flying in through the broken windows.  He landed on the outstretched arm of the now harmless Giant Clay-Pot Chia-Golem (tm), and pecked at the hardened clay, chirping happily.  "Beat the Baddie, Beat the Baddie," he cried.

As the word of their amazing victory went out across the paper and cookie-strewn battleground, all of the victorious Victorian Valkyries began to cheer.  Cries of joy erupted from every throat, and the small group of singers began a victory song.  Soon, every voice was raised in a joyous carol.

The Rubber Ducky shot up into the air and turned several happy loop-de-loops before the controls were gently prized from the hands of her crazed pilot, and finally landed safely, near the Valkyrie camp.  The flight crew led the exhausted and slightly deranged pilot off to a nearby tent for some much-needed medical attention.

Sir Jonathan Chatsworth was rescued from his broom closet prison.  He was evacuated by helicopter to a nearby hospital, where he is currently undergoing extensive therapy in order to recover from his terrible experiences.  Unfortunately, rampant Gerbil-ophobia is extremely difficult to cure, especially when coupled with a deep-rooted Fear of Frying Pans.  His therapist hasn't even begun on his cattle prod issues.

Fireworks were set off, as the celebrations began.  In the tents and out under the sky, cheers were cheered, songs were sung, drinks were drunk -- well, you get the idea.

On the hillside above the camp, Rebecca turned to Phileas.  He had retreated there, after the rescue.  He sat quite still, looking out at the joyous camp, filled with dancing celebrants, with his jaw clenched and his eyes narrowed.  He was  not in a happy mood.  He had never been so embarrassed in his entire life.

"Well, Phileas.  What do you think of the Ladies now?"

Phileas hesitated, his mind churning.  "Well...."

Jules spoke up.  "They saved us all, Fogg," he pointed out, quietly.

Passepartout was beaming.  "From the terrible fate much worser than death!  -- Qvack!"

Phileas flushed and turned to him angrily.  "Passepartout!  Stop squeaking that infernal duck!"

Passepartout just smiled in response and waved his little Ducky in his Master's face.  "But, Master, she is not sqveaking, she is Qvacking!"

Phileas started to speak, but Rebecca laid a calming hand on his arm.  "Well, Phileas?" she repeated.

He clenched his jaw, then sighed, and shook his head.  "Well, I suppose...."

The other three looked at him.  "Yes?" They prompted.

"I suppose.... they  do have their uses."

They waited, but that seemed to be all he was able to say.  Down by the camp, several figures waved at them.  Passepartout and Jules grinned, waved back, and started off down the hill towards the party.

Rebecca paused.  "Phileas, are you coming to the party or not?"

Phileas still hesitated, frowning at the camp, full of completely mad women, many of whom had witnessed his utter humiliation -- who had, indeed, just saved him from a fate worse than death.

"Well...."

"Well?"

He gave a huge sigh.  "Well, all right.  But I refuse to dance with any of them.  Once was enough."  He shuddered at the dreadful memory.  "Oh, and I want no  dessert topping jokes, no  yarn, NO CHM's, -- and, especially....  NO TWINS," he finished, through clenched teeth.

Rebecca's lips twitched.  "Very well, I'll tell them."  She hesitated, and then went on, "You needn't worry about the Evil Twins, Phileas.  They are safely locked up.  In fact, most of them are still unconscious."

Phileas gave a little nod, and then stopped, as a sudden thought occurred to him.

"That -- that mad pilot won't be there, will she?"

"The one whose Evil Twin almost --" She broke off at sight of his furious expression, and managed somehow to smother her laughter.  "Hmm, I believe she will.  However, she has been sedated, so she is perfectly harmless."

Phileas shuddered.  "Thank heaven for small mercies."

As they started down the hill, his words floated back and faded with the distance.  "I swear, when I find out who wrote this, I will...."

Phileas, after sampling the  alleged non-alcoholic punch, DID dance at the party, with quite a few ladies.  Even the mad pilot whose Evil Twin almost....  {ahem}

Rebecca got to flirt with Samuel Clemens, as well as Davodd, IsaacV, and several other VV gentle persons.

Passepartout was a VERY popular dancer, and everywhere he went the ladies giggled, and the duckies 'qvacked.'

Jules had an extremely nice time.  He danced a good deal, and enjoyed a stimulating conversation with several very kind and understanding members of the VVA and SAVV.

All in all, it was a very happy party.

But, sometime late the next morning, they discovered that the Evil Lovely Angel Yuri had helped the other Evil Twins to escape, and they had carried the Giant Clay-Pot Chia-Golem (tm) away with them in their brand-new Assault Craft, the Devil Ducky....

Will the air and sea ever be safe again?

The End

***Author's Notes ***

I started writing this piece of lunacy on May 1, 2001.  The day is fixed forever in my addled brain as the day I first read Gaelle's complaint, and Grace/Lorrellai's hysterical scene.  As I read, inspiration sleeted into my poor brain, which caused my head to explode.  Really.  You wouldn't believe the headache I got.  While I endeavored to pick up the pieces of my scattered psyche, Louie the Scene Fairy drove a cement mixer up, and poured its scrambled contents into my empty skull.  I then spent the next five or six weeks struggling to make sense of the madness I envisioned.  As I wrote, I incorporated ongoing ideas or topics of discussion from the SciFi BBoard, because I wanted this to be as "real" to our Society ideas as possible.  Somewhere along the line the Evil Twins attacked me, and  demanded to be included in the insanity.

While writing, I came to realize that absolutely no-one outside the SciFi BBoard community would ever understand a word of this story!

***Origins of many of the things or characters mentioned***

Well, all of the Victorian Valkyries & Evil Twins are the alter-egos of real people (or at least they  claim to be real people, but who can tell?), who post on the Sci-Fi Channel's BBoard.

The Sci-Fi Channel belongs to ....uh, the Sci-Fi Channel?

The Luggage, aka Rincewind's Luggage, originated in the Discworld books of Terry Pratchett.  Go read them now.  Really.  I've got time.

Miss Cleo ("Call me now") the psychic Tarot reader, belongs to herself, and to whatever company she works for.  Mention of her is not an endorsement of any kind.  So if you call her, don't blame your phone bill or credit card bill on me, I had  nothing to do with it.

SimTower™ is a computer game owned by Yoot Sato and OPeN BooK Ltd., Japan.  It is distributed by Maxis, Inc.  Yes, in this game the Express Elevators do run up to the 90th floor, at 15 floor intervals, while the building itself goes up to 100 floors.  Go figure.

Quai Chang Caine, The Ancient Lo Si, & Quai Chang's son Peter Caine are characters from the TV show  Kung Fu: the Legend Continues.  So I don't own them.  I don't know who does.  I got the idea to use them because Kim Chang, the actor who played the Evil Zai Chow in the SAoJV episode, "Black Glove of Melchizedek" also played The Ancient Lo Si on KF:tLC.  Oh, and the Quai Chang Caine in KF:tLC is indeed the grandson of the Quai Chang Caine from the original TV series,  Kung Fu, which aired in the 70's.  Both Quai Chang's are/were played by David Carradine.  Peter Caine was played by Chris Potter.  Hubba hubba!

The use of mangos in this story are in reference to the, er, rather silly craze currently running rampant throughout our little BB community.  Yes, we are obsessed with mangos, and yes, we are sometimes very silly people.  Is that a problem?

ZA's Special Blend, aka Zhaansacolyte's Special Blend, is a fictional coffee/chocolate mixture which originated in my after-MPs-Birthday Party scene "Some Enchanted Morning After" on the Sci-Fi BBoard.  It was a reply to Post # 949, pg. 25.

The Chippendales Caper originated on the Sci-Fi BBoard as replies to Post # 713, pg. 20.

 The Invisible Man is a TV show currently running on the Sci-Fi Channel.  I have no idea who it belongs to.

I used the word antici....pation in homage to Doctor Frank-n-Furter from the  Rocky Horror Picture Show.  He is perhaps the only person in the universe who would be able to fully appreciate the Evil Twins.  But I bet he wouldn't be able to control them!

 Black Scorpion is a character in a TV show of the same name belonging to Roger Corman.  I do not watch this show, but I have sat through about 5,000 commercials pushing it.  The description of the Love Child's costume is taken directly &  exactly from my goggle-eyed and disbelieving observations of the costume (barely) worn by Black Scorpion -- need I say more?

John Edward belongs to himself AND the dead people he talks to, as well as whoever is paying for his talk show.  So far as I know, he has never met Black Scorpion.

 MacGyver -- hey, you all know MacGyver!  He was always making things out of nothing, so I used his name as a tribute to ingenuity.

The Boy Scouts of America had nothing whatsoever to do with the Evil Twins in this story.  Really.  I promise.

I am not sure who  Cheez Whiz™ belongs to.  But it's not me.

The urge to use Number 42 as my Society Number is inspired by the book "The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy" by the late Douglas Adams.  Don't Panic.  You still have time to read it.  Grab a towel and read it.  NOW.  Why the towel? Heh, heh, heh.  You'll find out.

Agrajag is a character originating in the book "Life, the Universe, and Everything" by Douglas Adams, and yes, the quote "Do not be alarmed, be very, very frightened" is taken directly from the book.  This book is one of the sequels to "The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy."  Go read them both.  Then read the other books in the series.  Hurry, before everyone else does!

Arnold Rimmer is a character from the very funny British SF TV show,  Red Dwarf, and he really, really would have loved the Evil Villain's ornately and egotistically decorated office.  Which tells you all you need to know about Rimmer, doesn't it?

 Hershey's Syrup™ is a product of the Hershey Company, I guess -- and stop giggling!  It's not mature to giggle.  Or to cackle, either.  Which means I am in big trouble.

Danaan's "Michael Praed CHM" web-site is a wonder and a joy to all who have stared at it for hours on end in amazement and admiration.  CHM stands for "Chest Hair Moment," in case you didn't know.  Ladies, if you go there, you will need a napkin or bib.  Also a fan and a cold shower.  Trust me on this.

The Ultimate Cookie: Gaelle told us on the BBoard her sister's cookies were like hockey pucks, and hoped they would be used in battle against our foes.  So I used them, and gave them their name.  Sorry to Gaelle's sister!

I think that's all.  I hope you enjoy it.  At least these cookies aren't fattening!

Authors thrive on feedback!  Please show your appreciation!
LuvJulesVerne@aol.com

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