The 9 Types of Boyfriends

"Mr. Sensitive"
"After I wash the dishes, let's cuddle, OK?"
Also known as:
Mr. Nice Guy, Family man, Honey, Darling, Soft-boiled Egg, Snugglepup
Advantages:
Well-behaved; irons own shirts
Disadvantages:
Irritatingly compassionate, wimpy

"Old Man Grumpus"
"People are stupid. The world can go to hell. Let's stay home and
watch TV."
Also known as:
Grumbles, Sour puss, Stick-in-the-mud, Old Fogey, Slow Mover, Jerk
Advantages:
Stays put; predictable
Disadvantages:
Royal pain in the ass

"Flinchy"
"I--I'm sorry for whatever it was I did."
Also known as:
Trembly, Creampuff, Hey you
Advantages:
Jumps entertainingly when startled
Disadvantages:
Easily spooked; surrenders without a struggle

"Bigfoot"
"Shut yer trap, I'm thinkin'."
Also known as:
Chunk-style, Lummox, Ignoramus, Galoot, the Hulk, Big 'n' Dumb
Advantages:
Can tote bales; is easily fooled
Disadvantages:
Can break you in half, sweats like a pig

"Lazybones"
"Zzzzzz"
Also known as:
Lucky Dog, Parasite, Bum, Sponge, Snoozebucket, Drug Addict
Advantages:
Well rested; easy target
Disadvantages:
Unlikely to fulfill your dreams

"The Sneak"
"Who, me?"
Also known as:
Love Pirate, Snake, Rat, Slime, God-Damn Son of a Bitch
Advantages:
May feel pangs of guilt
Disadvantages:
May be having time of his life

"Ace of Hearts"
"After I wash the dishes let's make love like crazed weasels, OK?"
Also known as:
The Sizzler, Handyman, Dreamboat, Casanova, Monster
Advantages:
Perpetually aroused
Disadvantages:
Perpetually aroused

"The Dreamer"
"Someday I'm going to be rich and famous. I don't know how, but-"
Also known as:
Struggling artist, Philosopher, Buffoon, Bag of Wind, Fool
Advantages:
Tells good stories
Disadvantages:
Will turn into "Old Man Grumpus"

"Mr. Right"
"While the servants wash the dishes, let's make love like crazed
weasels in my new yacht, ok?"
Also known as:
Mr. Perfect, Jim Dandy
Advantages:
Answer to a woman's prayer
Disadvantages:
Hunted to extinction


The 9 Types of Girlfriends


"Ms. Nice Guy"
"Tickets to the boxing match? Oh Darling, you shouldn't have"
Also known as:
What a gal, precious, one of the boys, my main squeeze, doormat
Advantages:
Cheerful, agreeable, kindly
Disadvantages:
May wise up someday

"Old Yeller"
"You God-Damn spineless good-for-nothing drag-ass no-talent son of a
bitch! Can't you see you're making me miserable??"
Also known as:
She-Devil, Sourpuss, the Nag, My Old Lady, Warthog from Hell
Advantages:
Pays attention to you
Disadvantages:
Screeches, throws frying pans

"Sickly"
"Oh, my head. My head. My feet. My cramps. My cellulite"
Also known as:
Whiner, Mewler, Glumpy
Advantages:
Predictable
Disadvantages:
Contagious

"The Bosser"
"Stand up straight. Put on a different tie. Get a haircut. Change
your job. Make some money. Don't give me that look."
Also known as:
Whipcracker, The Sarge, Ms. Know-it-all, Ball and Chain, yes Mom
Advantages:
Often right
Disadvantages:
Often right, but so what?

"Ms. Vaguely Dissatisfied"
"I just can't decide. Should I switch my career, goals, home, and
hair color?"
Also known as:
The Fretter, Worrywart, Typical, Aw c'mon Honey
Advantages:
Easily soothed
Disadvantages:
Even more easily perturbed

"Wild Woman out of Control"
"I've got an idea. Lets get drunk an' make love on a front lawn. I
done it before. S'fun."
Also known as:
Fast girl, freewheeler, goodtime charleena, passed out
Advantages:
More fun than a barrel of monkeys
Disadvantages:
Unreliable; drives off cliffs

"Huffy"
"I see nothing humorous in those silly cartoons you keep snickering
at"
Also known as:
No fun, humorless prig, Cold fish, Chilly proposition, iceberg,
Snarly
Advantages:
Your friends will feel sorry for you
Disadvantages:
You will have no friends

"Woman from Mars"
"I believe this interpretive dance will explain how I feel about our
relationship"
Also known as:
The Babbler, Spooky Girl, Screwball, Loony, Bad News, Artistic
Advantages:
Entertaining, unfathomable
Disadvantages:
Will read her poetry aloud

"Ms. Dreamgirl"
"I am utterly content with you just the way you are, my handsome
genius of a boyfriend. I think we must make love like crazed weasels now"
Also known as:
Ms. Right, Goddess, Knockout, Perfection, Gorgeous
Advantages:
Funny, intelligent uninhibited
Disadvantages:
Will have nothing to do with you.


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