God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to better serve your needs, God asks that you take a few moments to answer the following questions. Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept completely confidential, and that you need not disclose your name or adress unless you prefer a direct response to comments or suggestions.
1) How did you find out about God?
__Newspaper
__Other book
__Television
__Divine Inspiration
__Word of mouth
__Near Death Experience
__Tabloid
__Burning Shrubbery
__Bible
__Torah
__Other (specify)____________________
2) Which model God did you acquire?
__Yahweh
__Father, Son, & Holy Ghost Triplet
__Jehovah
__Jesus
__Sophia
__Allah
__El Shaddai
__God
__G_d
__None of the above; I was taken in by a false God
3) Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working order and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes?
__Yes
__No
If no, please describe the problems you initially encountered here:
4) What factors were relevant in your decision to acquire a God?
Please check all that apply:
__Indoctrinated by parents
__Indoctrinated by society
__Needed a reason to live
__Needed a focus in whom to despise
__Imaginary friend grew up
__Hate to think for myself
__Fear of death
__Wanted to meet girls/boys
__Wanted to piss off parents
__Needed a day away from work
__Desperate need for certainty
__Like Organ music
__Need to feel morally superior
__My shrubbery caught fire and told me to do it.
5) Have you ever worshipped a God before?
__Yes
__No
If yes, which false God were you fooled by? Please check all that apply:
__Odin
__Cthulhu
__Zeus
__The Almighty Dollar
__Apollo
__Left Wing Liberalism
__Ra
__Barney the Big Purple Dinosaur
__The Great Spirit
__The Great Pumpkin
__The Sun
__Bill Clinton
__The Moon
__A burning cabbage
__The Bomb
__Other:_________________________
6) Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to God?
Please check all that apply:
__Tarot
__lottery
__Astrology
__Television
__Fortune cookies
__Ann Landers
__Psychic Friends Network
__Dianetics
__Palmistry
__Playboy and/or Playgirl
__Self-help books
__Sex, Drugs, and Rock 'n' Roll
__Biorhythms
__Bill Clinton
__Tea Leaves
__ESP
__Mantras
__Jimmy Swaggart
__Crystals
__Human Sacrifice
__Pyramids
__Wandering around a desert
__Insurance policies
__Burning Shrubbery
__Barney the Big Purple Dinosaur
__Barney Fife
__Monty Python
__Other:__________________________
__None
7) God employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to preserve the balanced level of fled presence and blind faith. Which would you prefer (circle one) ?
a) More Divine Intervention
b) Less Divine Intervention
c) Current level of Divine Intervention is just right
d) Don't know; What's Divine Intervention?
8) God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and miracles. Please rate on a scale of 1-5 God's handling of the following:
(1=unsatisfactory; 5=excellent)
a. DISASTERS
Flood 1 2 3 4 5
Famine 1 2 3 4 5
Earthquake 1 2 3 4 5
War 1 2 3 4 5
Pestilence 1 2 3 4 5
Plague 1 2 3 4 5
SPAM 1 2 3 4 5
b. MIRACLES
Rescues 1 2 3 4 5
Spontaneous remissions 1 2 3 4 5
Stars hovering over towns 1 2 3 4 5
Crying Statues 1 2 3 4 5
Water changing to wine 1 2 3 4 5
Walking on water (other than the Hudson) 1 2 3 4 5
Talking Flaming Shrubbery 1 2 3 4 5
VCR's that set their own clocks 1 2 3 4 5
Saddam Hussein still alive 1 2 3 4 5
Cubs winning the series 1 2 3 4 5
Clintons re-election 1 2 3 4 5
9) Do you have any other comments or suggestions for improving the quality of God's services?
(Attach an additional sheet if necessary):
From Mary Z. Longstreth mlongstr@damien.org and Clara Ann Merkel cmerkel@damien.org