6-05-00

Jonathen,

This very well could be my last post in this journal while being pregnant with you. I’m feeling so many emotions right now it’s hard to explain them all but I’ll try as I think this is the one entry I want you to read no matter what when you’re older. I sit here today preparing myself for our amnio to check on the maturity of your lungs and I think about all of the amazing things that have led up to this day. I think about the day I met your daddy face to face and knew that he was the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, and I think about our wedding day. I remember repeating those vows and thinking someday I’ll be having this wonderful mans baby. Next comes the months of infertility treatments, all the tears I cried waiting for you. The shots in my legs and butt and the bruises that accompanied them. The anxious feelings of sonograms to check on follicles and most important of all the day your were conceived. It’s funny your daddy wasn’t even in the building when it happened, modern science made it possible for him to be 75 miles away at work protecting the fine citizens of Castle Pines while I was being inseminated. From there I think about the 2 weeks I had to wait to find out if I was pregnant. I was so on edge, I wanted….no I really truly needed this to work, I was getting burnt out on the injections and procedures. Your dad had said we’ll need to take a break if this one doesn’t work. The thought of that broke my heart and I prayed harder than I have ever prayed in my life that I was pregnant. The cramps came and I gave up, can you believe that mommy gave up on you before I even knew you existed. I cried so hard my eyes were practically swollen shut and your dad just closed up, he was so sad. We went to the hospital because I was in so much pain and at 6:47 pm on October 23rd I found out I was pregnant with you. It was so anticlimactic as I expected the earth to shake when I finally found out that my miracle had happened. The earth didn’t shake but I sure did. I was in shock so bad I couldn’t even cry, and by the time you read this I’m sure you’ll know that’s my first reaction to most things. So from that moment on your daddy and I stepped onto this roller coaster they call pregnancy. We jumped the first hurdle fine my beta doubled and things looked good. Then I had bleeding in weeks 5, 6, 7 and a lot more in the second trimester. I have never been so scared in all my life. I loved you more than anything on this earth even at that stage and I prayed, oh Jonathen how I prayed that you would be okay. When we got to see your heart beating on that u/s machine for the first time I lost it. I sat on that table and I cried for all I was worth. I couldn’t believe that finally after everything we’d been through there was a baby in there with a heart beating away. I saw you on u/s every week almost up until 15 and I watched you grow from a tiny 2mm blob into a baby with arms and legs and fingers and toes. All the things baby’s are supposed to have. When I found out at 17 weeks that you were a little boy I was overjoyed. There will always be a special bond between you and your daddy and seeing as how I knew even then that you were going to be our only child I was ecstatic. Your father would have his son who will be his shadow from day one, of this I’m sure Jonathen. You know about the rest of pregnancy as I’ve written it out in my journal to you but I shall just say it’s been the hardest roller coaster ride of my life. It would’ve given even the most experienced thrill seeker one heck of a jolt. So now I sit here and contemplate what it’s going to be like to finally touch a miracle. I’ve touched other people’s miracles, friends who have had children. But to think about kissing the face of a miracle is very humbling. To touch and hold what you have prayed for, for 30 long hard months is literally almost terrifying. I’m awed by the thought that in as little as 24 hours you could be in my arms. That I will be able to tell you to your tiny precious cherubic like face how very much I love you scares and thrills me all at the same time. This has been a long hard ride but I wouldn’t think twice of doing it again just to be able to know that I’m going to be able to hold my miracle baby in my arms. So when you’re 30 years old and you think back on your childhood and all the things that I’ve probably done wrong remember this, before you were conceived I wanted you, before you were born I loved you and before you were a minute old I would’ve died for you. That is what it means to be a mother. I love you baby Jonathen and so soon, so very soon I will have you in my arms.

Love,
Mommy