The Third Story

#1
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    An Irishman in Dublin walks into the bar for the first time.
 He orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back room of 
the bar, drinking a sip out of each one of the pints in turn. 
When he finishes the three pints he heads back up to the bar and 
orders three more pints.

    The bartender tells the man that the beer would be fresher if 
he ordered one pint at a time. The man replies, "Well, you see, 
sir, I have two brothers. One is in America, one is in Australia, 
and I am the only one still here, in Dublin. As we all left to go 
our separate ways we promised that we'd drink this way to 
remember the nice days that we had and the times we drank 
together."

    The bartender nods approvingly and before long the man 
becomes a regular at that bar, always drinking in the same 
manner: three separate pints, and drinking them in turn.

    One day in late February the man comes into the bar and 
orders only two pints. The bartender and the other regulars 
notice the missing pint and speculating on its significance, 
become silent.

    When the man returns for the second round, the bartender 
says, "I don't want to interrupt you in your time of sorrow, but 
since you are such a faithful customer, I feel that I should 
offer my condolences."

    The man looks momentarily confused then says, "Oh no, that's 
not it, there's no cause for grief, laddie. It's jest me, I've 
given' up drinking."
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#2
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   An engineer, a physicist, and a lawyer were being interviewed 
for a position as chief executive officer of a large corporation. 
The engineer was interviewed first, and was asked a long list of 
questions, ending with "How much is two plus two?" The engineer 
excused himself, and made a series of measurements and 
calculations before returning to the board room and announcing, 
"Four."

    The physicist was next interviewed, and was asked the same 
questions. Again, the last question was, "How much is two plus 
two?" Before answering the last question, he excused himself, 
made for the library, and did a great deal of research.  After a 
consultation with the United States Bureau of Standards and many 
calculations, he also announced, "Four."

    The lawyer was interviewed last, and again the final question 
was, "How much is two plus two?" The lawyer drew all the shades 
in the room, looked outside to see if anyone was there, 
checked the telephone for listening devices, and finally 
whispered, "How much do you want it to be?"
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#3
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    Before going to Europe on business, a man drove his
 Rolls-Royce to a downtown New York City bank and went into ask 
for an immediate loan of $5,000.

    The loan officer, taken aback, requested collateral and so 
the man said, "Well then, here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce."

    The loan officer promptly had the car driven into the bank's 
underground parking for safe keeping, and gave him $5,000.

    Two weeks later, the man walked through the bank's doors, and 
asked to settle up his loan and get his car back. "That will be 
$5,000 in principal, and $15.40 in interest", the loan officer 
said. The man wrote out a check and started to walkaway.

    "Wait sir", the loan officer said, "while you were gone, I 
found out you are a millionaire. Why in the world would you need 
to borrow $5,000?"

    The man smiled. "Where else could I park my Rolls-Royce in 
Manhattan for two weeks and pay only $15.40?
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#4
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    A man, who smelled like a distillery, flopped down on a 
subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face 
was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin 
was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper 
and began reading.

    After a few minutes the disheveled man turned to the priest 
and said, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"

    "Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap wicked 
women, too much alcohol, and a contempt for your fellow man."

    "Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.

    The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man 
and apologized. 
"I'm very sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long 
have you had arthritis?"

    "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading that the Pope does."
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#5
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    One day three men are out having a relaxing day fishing, when
 suddenly they catch a mermaid. After hauling the mermaid up in a 
net, she promises that if the men set her free, in return she 
will grant each of them a wish.

    The first man doesn't believe it so he say, "Alright, if you 
can really grant wishes, then double my IQ."

    The mermaid says, "Done" and suddenly, the first man starts 
to flawlessly recite Shakespeare and analyze it with extreme 
insight.

    The second man is so amazed, he looks at the mermaid and 
says, "Triple my IQ."

    The mermaid says, "Done" and the second man starts to recite 
solutions to all of the mathematical problems that have been 
stumping all of the scientists in various fields from physics to 
chemistry, etc.

    The third man is so enthralled with the changes in his 
friends, he says to the mermaid: "Quintuple my IQ."

    The mermaid looks at him and says, "You know, I normally 
don't try to change people's minds when they make a wish, but I 
really wish you'd reconsider."

    The man responds, "Nope, I want you to increase my IQ times 
five, and if you don't do it, I won't set you free."

    "Please," said the mermaid "You don't know what you're 
asking... it'll change your entire view on the universe. Won't 
you ask for something else... a million dollars, anything?"

    But no matter what the mermaid said, the third man insisted 
on having his IQ increased by five times it's usual power.

    So the mermaid finally relented and said, "Done."

    The third man became a woman.
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#6
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    A string walks into a bar and orders a drink. Looking at the
 string, the bartender said, "Sorry, we don't serve strings."

    "What? That sucks," said the string. So the string walks into 
the bathroom and ties himself up and messes up his ends. A couple 
moments later he comes back out and approaches the bar again and 
again orders a drink.

    "Hey, aren't you that string?" asks the bartender.

    "Nope. I'm a frayed knot."