#1 ____________________________________________________________________________________________________ An Irishman in Dublin walks into the bar for the first time. He orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back room of the bar, drinking a sip out of each one of the pints in turn. When he finishes the three pints he heads back up to the bar and orders three more pints. The bartender tells the man that the beer would be fresher if he ordered one pint at a time. The man replies, "Well, you see, sir, I have two brothers. One is in America, one is in Australia, and I am the only one still here, in Dublin. As we all left to go our separate ways we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the nice days that we had and the times we drank together." The bartender nods approvingly and before long the man becomes a regular at that bar, always drinking in the same manner: three separate pints, and drinking them in turn. One day in late February the man comes into the bar and orders only two pints. The bartender and the other regulars notice the missing pint and speculating on its significance, become silent. When the man returns for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to interrupt you in your time of sorrow, but since you are such a faithful customer, I feel that I should offer my condolences." The man looks momentarily confused then says, "Oh no, that's not it, there's no cause for grief, laddie. It's jest me, I've given' up drinking." ___________________________________________________________________________________________________ #2 ___________________________________________________________________________________________________ An engineer, a physicist, and a lawyer were being interviewed for a position as chief executive officer of a large corporation. The engineer was interviewed first, and was asked a long list of questions, ending with "How much is two plus two?" The engineer excused himself, and made a series of measurements and calculations before returning to the board room and announcing, "Four." The physicist was next interviewed, and was asked the same questions. Again, the last question was, "How much is two plus two?" Before answering the last question, he excused himself, made for the library, and did a great deal of research. After a consultation with the United States Bureau of Standards and many calculations, he also announced, "Four." The lawyer was interviewed last, and again the final question was, "How much is two plus two?" The lawyer drew all the shades in the room, looked outside to see if anyone was there, checked the telephone for listening devices, and finally whispered, "How much do you want it to be?" _____________________________________________________________________________________________________ #3 _____________________________________________________________________________________________________ Before going to Europe on business, a man drove his Rolls-Royce to a downtown New York City bank and went into ask for an immediate loan of $5,000. The loan officer, taken aback, requested collateral and so the man said, "Well then, here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce." The loan officer promptly had the car driven into the bank's underground parking for safe keeping, and gave him $5,000. Two weeks later, the man walked through the bank's doors, and asked to settle up his loan and get his car back. "That will be $5,000 in principal, and $15.40 in interest", the loan officer said. The man wrote out a check and started to walkaway. "Wait sir", the loan officer said, "while you were gone, I found out you are a millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow $5,000?" The man smiled. "Where else could I park my Rolls-Royce in Manhattan for two weeks and pay only $15.40? _____________________________________________________________________________________________________ #4 _____________________________________________________________________________________________________ A man, who smelled like a distillery, flopped down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the disheveled man turned to the priest and said, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?" "Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap wicked women, too much alcohol, and a contempt for your fellow man." "Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?" "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading that the Pope does." ______________________________________________________________________________________________________ #5 ______________________________________________________________________________________________________ One day three men are out having a relaxing day fishing, when suddenly they catch a mermaid. After hauling the mermaid up in a net, she promises that if the men set her free, in return she will grant each of them a wish. The first man doesn't believe it so he say, "Alright, if you can really grant wishes, then double my IQ." The mermaid says, "Done" and suddenly, the first man starts to flawlessly recite Shakespeare and analyze it with extreme insight. The second man is so amazed, he looks at the mermaid and says, "Triple my IQ." The mermaid says, "Done" and the second man starts to recite solutions to all of the mathematical problems that have been stumping all of the scientists in various fields from physics to chemistry, etc. The third man is so enthralled with the changes in his friends, he says to the mermaid: "Quintuple my IQ." The mermaid looks at him and says, "You know, I normally don't try to change people's minds when they make a wish, but I really wish you'd reconsider." The man responds, "Nope, I want you to increase my IQ times five, and if you don't do it, I won't set you free." "Please," said the mermaid "You don't know what you're asking... it'll change your entire view on the universe. Won't you ask for something else... a million dollars, anything?" But no matter what the mermaid said, the third man insisted on having his IQ increased by five times it's usual power. So the mermaid finally relented and said, "Done." The third man became a woman. _______________________________________________________________________________________________________ #6 _______________________________________________________________________________________________________ A string walks into a bar and orders a drink. Looking at the string, the bartender said, "Sorry, we don't serve strings." "What? That sucks," said the string. So the string walks into the bathroom and ties himself up and messes up his ends. A couple moments later he comes back out and approaches the bar again and again orders a drink. "Hey, aren't you that string?" asks the bartender. "Nope. I'm a frayed knot."