(Spoken in a granny voice) "Way back inna winner of fifty-two, we didn' have fanshy gadjets like no ansherin' machine. You jusht had to call and call until shummbody got home. Now, shum people, dey shay dey don' like 'em, but I shay it'll shave you a lotta trouble if you jusht leave a meshage. Thanksh a lot." Must be spoken in a drawl. ------------------------------------------------ "We are unable to come to the phone right now. At the tone, please leave your name, number, and Master Card, Visa, or American Express account number and we'll get back to, pending credit approval." [imitating Mr. Rogers] "Hello. I'm in the Magic Kingdom right now, so I can't come to the phone. Can you leave your name and number when you hear the sound of the tone? Sure...I knew you could." Steve: Hello. Steve and Matt aren't here right now but if... Matt: Steve, what are you doing? Steve: I'm leaving a phone message since we aren't here. Matt: But you left the last one -- it's my turn. Steve: No, I'm sure it's my turn. Matt: No, you're incorrect. It's definitely my turn. Steve: You fool. I know it's ... wait ... Matt ... what are you doing with that frying pan?!? BONK [really loud thud] Matt: Steve is out right now, so please leave your name and number. "Hello. I'm Brad's answering machine. What are you?" "This is (#include phone.addr). We are not ... excuse me a moment, please. Put your sister down. PUT YOUR SISTER DOWN! (sound of window breaking) Great! What a mess. I'll have to get back to you later." "Finally get an answering machine. Now how does this thing work? Hmmm. Press record button, I did that, and the light should be on. I wonder why it's not working right. Hmmmm, I wonder what this button does......" (Annoying flute music in background) Good day, Jim. Your contact, [insert name], is not available right now. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to leave your name, number, and a brief message at the tone. This tape will self-destruct in thirty seconds. Good Luck, Jim. "Brad is reassembling Elvis' brain and can't come to the phone right now, but if you leave your name ...", etc. "Brad has been captured by a flying saucer and can't come to the phone right now, but if you leave your name, phone number, and a message I'll have him call you back as soon as he gets away. Read all about it in next week's National Enquirer." In the background can be heard Gregorian Chant or some other church music Good Day My child, you have reached {name} dial a confession. At the tone if you will leave your name, number and short confession I will get back to you with your pennance. Thank you and may God go with you. Hi this is . I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message and then wait by the phone until I call you back. ------------------ Sneak into your girlfriend's apartment (guys, and well some gals too)and in a loud, deep, gravely, horror-film voice he recorded, "HI, THIS IS KATHY, I'M NOT MYSELF RIGHT NOW. IF YOU LEAVE YOUR NAME AND NUMBER, I'LL GET BACK TO YOU WHEN I'M FEELING BETTER." ------------------- "Vancouver coastguard, may I help you." British long distance rates are phenomenonal and I had this poor dude sputtering with horror that he had managed to make a long distance call by dialing five digits. ---------------------------------------------------- Noisy pick-up of phone Uh... Hello? Hi, I 'm a burgular and I was just about to steal Troy's answering machine. If you give me your name and number I'll..uh, I'll post it on the 'frige where he'll see it. Uh.. by the way, where did you say you live? ---------------------------------------------------- [Must have good Australian accent] G'day mate. Can't come to the phone now because I'm a bit tied up with this crocodile. Just leave a message, and I'll get back to you. ---------------------------------------------------- This is the Literacy Self Test Hotline. After the tone, leave your name and number and recite a sentence using today's vocabulary word. Today's word is supercilious ...} ---------------------------------------------------- The President is not in his office at this time. Please leave your name, phone number, the name of the country you wish to invade, and the secret password. ---------------------------------------------------- Kemosabe no in tipi now. You leave'um message after little smoke signal, and Kemosabe get back for pow-wow real fast. ---------------------------------------------------- "This is Jeff, you're not in now so I'll leave a message." Really confused people. ---------------------------------------------------- A bubble in the space-time continuum has connected your line to a channeler in the 23rd Century. Any message you leave will be broadcast into the future.... ------------------------------------------------ Hello. I can't come to the phone now because--HEY, GEORGE! DON'T STAND ON THAT--goddam. ...because I've invited George and Barbara Bush over ...BARBARA! HEY! DON'T FUCK WITH THAT!...over for dinner. After the tone...BARBARA, CALL YOUR DOG...MILLIE! DOWN GIRL! ...shit...Leave a message after the tone...HEY, FUCKHEAD... ------------------------------------------------ Hello. Lindsey's not home now--this is his domestic droid speaking. I'm not programmed to answer the phone, so just leave a message, and Lindsey will get back to you as soon as possible. ------------------------------------------------ "Hi! You have reached 579-7599. This is an answering machine. This is the Eighties. You know what to do." ------------------------------------------------ My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished. ------------------------------------------------ Ring, Ring: The number you have xxx-xxxx (your number) has been changed, the new number is xxx-xxxx (again, your number). CULATA! ------------------------------------------------ "Hello, and welcome to Answering Machines of the Rich and Famous! (your name here) can't come to the phone right now, because he's spending the week in his beautiful summer home on the French Riviera..." ------------------------------------------------ {background music: Billy Joel's _Pressure_ very loud} Hello. You have reached Tom and Mark's room. We're a little busy now... { BJ screams PRESSURE!!! } So, leave a message and we'll get back to you someday after (exam end date) { BJ: ONE TWO THREE FOUR PRESSURE!!! followed by a very out-of-tune BEEP! } ------------------------------------------------ Call 1-800-CALL-SPY, the U.S. army snitching network. Try it, its a great recording (call after 5 pm for the message). ------------------------------------------------ In the background can be heard springs creaking and various moans. Hi,... You've just reached {name} pleasure palace. We're all busy as I'm sure you can tell but when we're done... we'll get back to you in whatever way we can. ------------------------------------------------ [b.g. music is frantic, violin oriented] "hello. you have reached xxx-xxxx. we are currently unable to answer because we are either chasing, or being chased by, bats. please leave a message..." etc. ------------------------------------------------ [the quiet, eerie vocal part of 'hello, earth' by kate bush] (after about 30 seconds): "hello. you have reached xxx-xxxx. we can't come to the phone right now because we're at vespers. please leave a message..." etc. (30 more seconds of music before the beep.) ------------------------------------------------ When someone calls you try this: (phone rings) (you answer) Hello, this is <...> speaking. I'd like a large pizza with extra anchovies. (other person) What? (you reply) Oh, sorry, I must have a wrong number. (hang up) Make everyone's day a little more surreal. ------------------------------------------------ "I'm home right now . . . I'm just screening my calls. So just start talking and if you're someone I want to speak to I'll pick up the phone. Otherwise, well, what can I say? ------------------------------------------------ In Japan, the hand can be used like a knife. [sound effect: Heeeeee-YAH!, smashing box of kleenex] But this method doesn't work with a telephone call... [sound effect: dial tone] Introducing the all-new GINSU answering machine! It cuts, it chops, it slices, it dices your incoming calls! How much would you pay? Don't answer, because if you leave your name and number when you hear the tone, we'll throw in a return phone call ABSOLUTELY FREE! ------------------------------------------------ "Hi, you have reached .... Please leave your name, phone number and a message and if we like it we will return your call". ------------------------------------------------ "This is Brad. I'm not using the phone over Yom Kippur, so please leave a message or call back after the holiday." ------------------------------------------------ "This is Brad. Talk." ------------------------------------------------ "Hi. This is Brad. I've shut the ringers off on my phones and taken a sedative. As soon as I finish this recording I'm going to bed indefinitely. When I wake up I'll play my messages. Please leave one." ------------------------------------------------ [with a kazoo band playing "Thus Spake Zarathustra" in the background...] "Thinking you were making an ordinary phone call, you have instead reached..." [YA-DAAAAAAAAA!] "...the ANSWERING MACHINE! Leave your name and number, and we will get back to you as soon as we can." ------------------------------------------------ "Hello, this is Dr. Pangloss. If this were the best of all possible worlds, I could come to the phone right now, but I can't, so if you could leave your name and number..." ------------------------------------------------ "Hello?" "Sorry, he's not here right now, but if you leave a message, he'll get back to you." ------------------------------------------------ (woman taped off a "phone sex" service) WOMAN : (seductively) Hi. I'm Linda. You know, it can be really lonely when you're a fashion model. Sometimes I just have to ... YOU : (interupting) Oh cmon, Linda, give me the damn phone.. (then ask for a message) ------------------------------------------------ "Hi, this is Jeff. We can't get to the phone right now because we were killed in the Earthquake. Tragic, isn't it? But, leave a message anyway, someone is sure to get it eventually." BEEP ------------------------------------------------ Use for post quake/riot messages: "Hi, we're not in cause we're out LOOTING! Leave a message and we'll call you back and tell you what we got." ------------------------------------------------ "Hello, I'm not hear right now. In fact, I'm out getting a new parakeet. If you leave a message after the beep, I'll be sure to get back to you. Oh, and by the way, a word of advice; never try to clean a parakeet cage with a vacuum cleaner." ------------------------------------------------ Ring...click....(sound of loud music in background)...Hello? - just a second while I turn the stereo off (sound of person running to click off music, which gets quiet. sound of person running back to phone) OK, sorry about that, hi there, who's this...well hi!... uh huh...yeah...well listen you're talking to a machine, so please leave a message and I'll call you back. (this ran for a while until a friend threatened to kill us after she said she had a 2 minute conversation with the machine.) ------------------------------------------------ Hi this is . I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message and then wait by the phone until I call you back. ------------------------------------------------ "Hello, this is Jim. Unfortunately I can't answer the phone right now because I've just come back from the Mirror Worlds and I'm still made up of antimatter, so if I were to pick up the phone right now, the resulting energy release would make Hiroshima look like a wet firecracker. So leave a message at the tone and I'll get back to you as soon as my component particles have been restored to their normal charges." ------------------------------------------------ "Speak, worm!" Works best if done in a Darth Vader voice. ------------------------------------------------ "You know what to do at the tone." ------------------------------------------------ "Hello?" This confuses anyone who doesn't know you. ------------------------------------------------ "Hello, I'm not here." A friend of mine used this one last summer. I always answered it with "Okay, that's all I wanted to know." ------------------------------------------------ Hi!! You've reached Janet and Chris's room. We're not in right now. If this is our parents, we're at the library studying. Yeah, yeah, that's it, that's the ticket. If this is John (Chris's boyfriend), Chris is out with the girls at the party. Yeah, that's it. If this is any one else, we're at a party and you're not. Yeah, a party with the president. Yeah and the .... pope. Yeah that's it. ------------------------------------------------ One voice: I didn't expect an answering machine. Another voice: Nobody expects an answrering machine. Our chief use is to get your name. And phone number. Our two chief uses are to get your name and phone number. And message. (damn) Our three uses are to get your name, phone number, and message. And time you called. Oh, damn, we'll have to start over. No--no time for that, so just wait for the beep. ------------------------------------------------ (in an Italian mafia-style tone:) "Hello. I can't come to the phone right now. Me and Guido are trying to stuff a body in the trunk. I think we're going to have to size it a little... HEY GUIDO! GET THE CHAINSAW! Anyways, leave your name and a message. If I like it, you'll hear from me. If not, _you'll_hear_ from_Guido! ( a little laughter )... " ------------------------------------------------ (To the tune of "Heartbreak Hotel" with appropriate instrumental accompaniment) I just left home baby I'll be out fer a spell and if you don't leave a message baby you can go to ------------------------------------------------ Hello, this is . I'm home right now, and in a few moments, I'll have a decision to make. BEEEP! ------------------------------------------------ [Theme from "Indiana Jones" in the background.] You've reached the residence of John and Tom. We can't come to the phone right now, because we're cleaning the refrigerator. Please leave your name and number, and we'll get back to you. [Theme from "Indiana Jones" continues until the beep.] ------------------------------------------------ Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets. ------------------------------------------------ kitten crying in the background, and the voice goes: The machine answering this message is connected to a 5000 volt power supply, and a relay which is wired to this small kitten. If you hang up before you leave a message, it will complete the circuit and will fry the kitty. The choice is YOURS.... BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP ------------------------------------------------ Thank you for calling the Metropolitan Church of the Holy Bible. Today's commandment is Number 6, Thou shalt not... er... bear a... er... shalt not witness thy... uh... neighbor's ass, oh, I mean, false... er... shalt not commit a bear... dern... ------------------------------------------------ I can't come to the phone now, so if, well, actually, I CAN come to the phone now, I mean, like, I'm at the phone NOW, recording this message, but I'm doing this NOW, while you're listening to it LATER, except for you I guess it's NOW, like, when you're listening to it... I mean, like, wait, gosh. This is so confusing. ------------------------------------------------ I can't come to the phone now, so... hey -- that's a nice phone you have there. Hey sugar, you call this number often? I bet you have answering machines bothering you all the time... yes indeedy. Why don't you give me a call sometime and we can listen to some old recordings... I might even play my beep for you... ------------------------------------------------ Don't you do it! Don't you dare! I don't want to hear it! Don't you beep! If you beep, I'll... don't even think about it!... Don't...! ------------------------------------------------ After the tone, leave your name, number, and tell where you left the money. I'll get back to you as soon as it's safe for you to come out of hiding. ------------------------------------------------ As the drugs take hold, you feel you are losing your grip on reality. You begin to hallucinate. You see a telephone... the telephone is next to an answering machine... you hear a faint click and a light flashes on the answering machine... you hear a beep... ------------------------------------------------ You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message. ------------------------------------------------ This is a test. This is a test of the Answering Machine Broadcast System. This is only a test.