21. Make brown-bag lunches for your roommate every morning. Give them
to him/her before he/she goes to class.
22. Every time you enter the room, sit in a chair, lean back too far,
and fall over backwards. Laugh hysterically for about ten minutes.
Then, one day, repeat the falling-over exercise, but instead of
laughing, get up, look at the chair sternly, and say, "It's not
funny anymore."
23. Read with a flashlight when the lights are on. Pretend to read
without one when the lights are out, remarking every so often how
great the book is.
24. Get a surfboard. Put it on your bed. Stand on it, and pretend to
surf for about fifteen minutes. Then, pretend to "wipe out," and
fall off the bed onto the floor. Pretend you are drowning until
your roommate comes over to "rescue" you.
25. Keep a hamster as a pet. Buy a blender, and make milkshakes every
day. Then, one day, get rid of the hamster. Make a shake using a
lot of ketchup. When your roommate comes in, look at the shak[Ae,
look at the empty cage, and tell your roommate, "I was curious."
26. Make toast for breakfast every morning, but don't plug the toaster
in. Eat the plain bread, looking at the toaster angrily, andA
complain that the toaster doesn't know what it's doing. If your
roommate suggests plugging it in, go on a tangent about fire-safety
hazards.
27. Pack up all of your things and tell your roommate that you're going
away to "find yourself." Leave, and come back in about ten minutes.
If your roommate asks, explain that you're not a hard man to find.
28. Never speak to your roommate directly. If you need to ask or tell
him/her something, go to another room and call him/her on the phone.
29. Every night, before you go to bed, beg your roommate for a glass of
water. When he/she brings it, dump it on the floor and immediately
go to sleep. If he/she ever refuses to bring you a glass of water,
lie on the bed and pretend to be dying of dehydration, making
annoying gagging sounds, until he/she does so.
30. Every time the phone rings, turn on the stereo at full volume and
begin to violently slam-dance with your roommate. If he/she asks
about it, say, "Oh, that damn hypnotist...."
31. Hang a picture of your roommate on the wall. Throw darts at it.
Smile at your roommate often, saying things like, "How nice to see
you again."
32. Get a can of beans. Label them, "Jumping beans." Eat them, and
then jump around the room. Get another can of beans. Label them,
"Dancing beans." Eat them, and then dance around the room. Get
another can of beans. Label them, "Kill Your Roommate beans." Eat
them, smiling at your roommate.
33. Every time your roommate falls asleep, wait ten minutes, and then
wake him/her up and say, "It's time to go to bed now."
34. Insist that your roommate recite the "Pledge Of Allegiance" with
you every morning.
35. Recite "Dr. Seuss" books, all the time. Eventually, think up
melodies for the words and sing them, loudly, directly to your
roommate. If he/she tells you to stop, act offended and spend the
day in bed.
36. Put up traffic signs around the room. If your roommate doesn't
obey them, give him/her tickets. Confiscate something your
roommate owns until he/she pays the tickets.
37. Walk, talk, and dress like a cowboy at all times. If your roommate
inquires, tell him/her, "Don't worry little buckaroo. You'll be
safe with me."
38. Complain that your elbows, knees, and other joints have been
bothering you. Get a screwdriver, and pretend to "fix" them.
39. Paint abstract paintings, and title them things like, "Roommate
Dying in a Car Crash," and "Roommate Getting Whacked in the Head
with a Shovel." Comment often about how much you love the
paintings.
40. Wear glasses, and complain that you can never see anything. Bump
into walls and doors. Put your clothes on backwards. Say, "Who's
that?" every time your roommate enters the room. When you're not
wearing the glasses, act like you can see fine.
41. Buy a lava lamp. Stare at it for hours, imitating its movements
with your face. Explain to your roommate that you have established
a connection with the spirit world through the lava lamp. Tell
your roommate that "Grandma said hi."
42. Keep empty jars on the shelf. Tell your roommate that this is your
collection of "inert gases." Look at them often. One day, act
surprised and angered, and accuse your roommate of having released
one of the gases. Cover your nose and mouth and run out of the
room.
43. Wear scary Halloween masks. Look in the mirror and scream
hysterically for about five minutes every time you put one on.
44. Rollerskate up and down the hallway. Every time you see your
roommate, crash into him/her and knock him/her down. Apologize,
and say that he/she looked like "the enemy."
45. Put headphones on your roommate while he/she is sleeping, and
subliminally teach him/her to speak Spanish, play the trombone,
and memorize all the major imports and exports of each African
nation.
46. Stick your head out the window, but forget to open it, so that your
head crashes through the glass. Then say, "Silly me," open the
window again, and try to stick your head through. Act like you hit
your head on something.
47. Dress like a military officer. Insist that your roommate salute
you upon sight. If he/she refuses, insist that he/she do 100
push-ups. Keep saying things like, "Your momma isn't here to take
care of you any more."
48. Keep a collection of teeth in a jar. Act excited whenever you add
to it, and say things like, "In a little while I'll have enough for
that sailboat."
49. Get a pet rabbit. At a designated time every day, take the rabbit
into the bathroom and engage in loud shouting matches. If your
roommate inquires, refuse to discuss the situation.
50. Spread toothpicks all over the floor. Stare at them, acting like
you're trying to read something. Tell your roommate it's a message
from God, but you're not sure whether it's a warning about a loved
one in danger or a recipe for really great chili.
