Maestro's shortened version
The Darwin Awards are given, usually posthumously to the individual(s) who remove themselves from the gene pool in the most spectacular fashion. However there is an exception to the requirement to die. If some individual does not die, however does render him/her self incapable of producing any children - they may be eligible for the dubious honor of receiving the award while still alive.
The 1995 Darwin Award was given to a man crushed to death by a Coke machine from which he was attempting to yank a free soda. So why is this so unique? Apparently, according to police and morgue reports, is that the gentlemen in question had about $3.00 in change and about $25.00 in bills in his pocket.
The 1997 Darwin Award's Top Nominee
[UPI, Toronto] Police said a lawyer demonstrating the safety of windows in a downtown Toronto skyscraper crashed through a pane with his shoulder and plunged 24 floors to his death.
A police spokesman said Garry Hoy, 39, fell into the courtyard of the Toronto Dominion Bank Tower early Friday evening as he was explaining the strength of the building's windows to visiting law students.
Hoy previously had conducted demonstrations of window strength according to police reports. Peter Lauwers, managing partner of the firm Holden Day Wilson, told the Toronto Sun newspaper that Hoy was ``one of the best and brightest'' members of the 200-man association.
Robert Puelo, 32, was apparently being disorderly in a St. Louis market. When the clerk threatened to call police, Puelo grabbed a hot dog, shoved it in his mouth, and walked out without paying for it.
Police found him unconscious in front of the store: paramedics removed the six-inch wiener from his throat, where it had choked him to death.
check the Urban Myths subpage to see more stories. Or the to see the previous year's nominees.
More nominees are on Phillip Karlton's Page. Another site http://www.nac.net/~users/chefhas some stories on it.
I heard about this sad story while I was in Houston visiting my family. I
heard it on the News (CH11 KHOU) 10:00 report. Unfortunately, I haven't
been able to get a hold of a printed copy of the report but this is what
happened.
Two University of Houston students were run over by a train on March 28,
1997 (Good Friday). They had placed coins on the railroad track to see them
being squished into an elongated form. After they placed the coins on the
track, they stepped away to watch from a "safe distance" as the train was
coming. Unfortunately, they step away and waited on another set of tracks
in which another train was coming from the opposite direction. Police found
their elongated forms later.
From the Rocky Mountain News Wire Services, April 1, 1997:
JOKE TURNS DEADLY IN LOUISIANA BAYOU VISTA, LA
A man who popped a friend's 6 inch tropical fish into his mouth as a joke died when it got
stuck in his throat.
Steven Hill Epperson, 36, was dead on arrival at a hospital Sunday. He put the Jack Dempsey
fish in his mouth at his friend's house, and it became wedged in his airway, the coroner said.
A blacksmith over in Russia had been using a large bullet (one for like tanks) as an anvel for
ten years. Yesterday, he found out in the worst way that the bullet was still alive! He died
from the explosion.
The medical examiner's office said identification was difficult due to numerous
addresses and social security numbers linked to the victims. None carried
identification; they were identified through fingerprint comparisons. Two had a
history of drug arrests. Police found four bottles of wine and a crack cocaine
pipe inside the car. Two of the bottles were partially consumed (no word about
brand or whether red or white). Toxicology test results expected next week may
show if cocaine and liquor were factors.
Police have not released information about who was driving the car. The Des
Moines Police Department's accident-reconstruction expert has been unable to
determine the speed the car was travelling when it smashed through the guard
rail.
In West Palm Beach, a couple who had been quite financially comfortable
had serious financial reverses. Seeing no way out, they decided to kill
themselves and their 8 year son by carbon monoxide poisoning. The son
woke up, roused them and begged them to live. The boy missed one day of
school and never told anyone.
Ten weeks later, they were found in bed, the father having shot and
killed the boy, the mother, then himself. Lengthy notes from the
parents were nearby explaining why they had done it and that it just
wouldn't be fair for the boy to live on as a burden to someone and
having to remember that his parents had killed themselves.
Sometimes we have folks who feel it would be nice to climb these towers
and enjoy the night air. Most enjoy their view, stay away from the wires,
and when they get bored, come back down.
Well this is a story of a fella who was a little despondent over a recent
fight with a girlfriend and decided he needed a little fresh air to clear
his head. Let's climb a tower. He proceeded to climb a tower south of
Hartford next to I-91. Before he got to his tower though he decided to
stop for a 6 pack to help clear his thoughts.
Here our Darwin Award nominee sits 60 feet above the highway,
drinking his beer, consoling his bruised ego. Our friend had 5 beers
when he decided he needed the services of a men's room. It being of such a long
hike down, he unzips and decides to do his business right there off the
tower. Electricity is a funny thing. You don't need to touch a wire in order
to get shocked. On these 115,000 volt lines depending on the conditions, you
could be as far away as 6' and still get shocked. Well, our friend proceeded
to "whiz" near the conductor (wire) when the power arced to his "stream"
(salt water is a most excellent conductor of electricity) followed up to his
private parts and blew him off the tower.
The guys where I work had a momentary outage on this line and sent
workmen to see if there was any damage. When our guys got to the scene of the
accident, they found a very dead person, his fly down, what was left of his
private parts smoking and a single beer left on top of the tower.
Well . . . that's about all I have on here for now.
You are the
E Rodriguez called this one
In February, Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed in Lompoc, Calif., as he fell face-first through
the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the large flashlight he
had placed in his mouth (to keep his hands free) crammed against the base of his skull as he hit
the floor.
From The Miami Herald, Friday March 21, 1997:
These guys are stupid 
well . . . I think the frog says it all
Oh . . . I hear a universal award for Jim Jones/David Horesh/Hale-Bopp crowd is in the works 
person to visit this site.