More of Da Jokes
A Religious Hunter
A man was out hunting. He just happened to be hunting bears. As
he trudged through the forest looking for the beasts, he came
upon a large and steep hill. Thinking that perhaps there would
be bear on the other side of the hill, he climbed up the steep
incline and, just as he was pulling himself up over the last
outcropping of rocks, a huge bear met him nose to nose.
The bear roared fiercely. The man was so scared that he lost his
balance and fell down the hill with the bear not far behind. As
he tumbled down the hill, the man lost his gun. When he finally
stopped at the bottom, he found that he had a broken leg. Escape
was impossible and so the man, who had never been particularly
religious (in fact this just happened to be a Sunday morning),
prayed, "God, if you will make this bear a Christian I will be
happy with whatever lot you give me for the rest of my life."
The bear was no more than three feet away from the man when it
stopped dead in its tracks... looked up to the heavens
quizzically... and then fell to its knees and prayed in a loud
voice, "O Lord, bless this food of which I am about to partake."
Arkansas
After having their 10th child, an Arkansas couple decided that
that was enough. So the husband went to his doctor and told him
that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children. The
doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy
that could fix the problem.
The doctor told the man that he was to go home, get a cherry
bomb, put it in a can, then hold the can up to his ear and count
to 10. The Arky said to the doctor "I may not be the smartest
man, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a can next to
my ear is going to help me." So the couple drove to Missouri to
get a second opinion. The doctor was just about to tell them
about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed they
were from Arkansas.
This doctor also told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb,
place it in a tin can, hold it next to his ear and count to 10.
Figuring that both doctors couldn't be wrong, the man went home,
lit a cherry bomb and put it in a can. He held the can up to his
ear and began to count, "1, 2, 3, 4, 5..." at which point he
paused, placed the can between his legs and resumed counting on
his other hand.
A SOLDIERS STORY
A SOLDIER RECIEVED A LETTER FROM HIS GIRLFRIEND, BUT HE COULDN'T
SHOW IT TO HIS FRIENDS, BECAUSE SHE SIGNED IT "MOTHER'', AND THIS
IS WHAT SHE WROTE:
M- IS FOR THE MANY TIMES WE DID IT.
O- IS FOR THE OTHER TIMES WE TRIED.
T- IS FOR THE TERRIFIC TIMES WE HAVE.
H- IS FOR THE HOTEL WE WENT TO.
E- IS FOR THE EASY WAY WE WENT.
R- IS FOR THE RYTHM WE HAD.
THAT SPELLS "MOTHER" AND THATS WHAT I'M GOING TO BE IN 9 MONTHS.
HE WROTE BACK AND THIS IS WHAT HE SAID:
F- IS FOR THE FUCKED UP LETTER YOU SENT ME.
A- IS FOR THE ASS YOU ARE.
T- IS FOR THE TROUBLE YOUR IN.
H- IS FOR THE HOE YOU REALLY ARE.
E- IS FOR THE EASY WAY YOU GAVE IT UP.
R- IS FOR THE ROMANCE WE NEVER HAD.
AND I'LL BE DAMNED IF I'M THE FATHER.
AND THIS IS WHAT I THINK OF THE BABY:
B- IS FOR THE BABY WITHOUT A FATHER.
A- IS FOR THE ABORTION YOU BETTER GET.
B- IS FOR THE BASTARD HE OR SHE WILL BE.
Y- IS FOR THE "YES" WHEN YOU SHOULD HAVE SAID "NO".
SHE REALIZED THAT SHE FORGOT A FEW THINGS IN THE FIRST LETTER....SO SHE WROTE THE
DICKLESS FAGGOT BACK AND THIS IS WHAT SHE SAID:
B- IS FOR THE BEEF YOU HAD WITH ME.
E- IS FOR THE EATING YOU DID.
S- IS FOR THE GOOD PUSSY YOU SUCKED.
T- IS FOR THE TIMES I GOT YOU HARD.
F- IS FOR THE FUNNY MADE DICK YOU HAVE.
R- IS THE THE RASH ON YOUR ASS.
I- IS FOR THE INTERCOURSE THAT WAS BORING.
E- IS FOR THE ENERGY FOR YOU TO CUM.
N- IS FOR THE NASTY ASS DOG YOU ARE.
D- IS FOR THE DAD YOUR GOING TO BE.
AND THAT SPELLS "BESTFRIEND" AND THATS WHO I WAS FUCKIN WHILE YOU
WHERE GONE
The Young Assistant
In France, the young assistant priests do not live in the main
rectory. That is reserved for the priest and his
housekeeper. One day the priest invited his new young assistant
priest to have dinner at the rectory. While being served, the
young priest noticed how shapely and lovely the housekeeper was
and down deep in his heart he wondered if there was more between
the priest and the housekeeper.
After the meal was over, the middle-aged priest assured the young
priest that everything was purely professional...that she was the
housekeeper and cook and that was that. About a week later the
housekeeper came to the priest and said, "Father, ever since the
new assistant came for dinner I have not been able to find
the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose he took it,
do you?" The priest said, "Well, I doubt it but I'll write him a
letter."
So he sat down and wrote, "Dear Father, I'm not saying you did
take the gravy ladle and I'm not saying you did not take the
gravy ladle. But the fact remains that it has been missing since
you were here for dinner."
The young assistant received the letter and he answered it as
follows: "Dear Father priest, I'm not saying that you do sleep
with the housekeeper and I'm not saying that you do not sleep
with the housekeeper. But I do know for sure that if you slept in
your own bed you would find the gravy ladle."
The Bar Story
This guy goes to a bar that's on the tenth floor of a hotel. He
sits down and has a couple of drinks, then stands up, announces
loudly that he has had enough, and goes over and jumps out the
window. Now, there are two men who are sitting at a window table,
and having that natural human curiosity about the grotesque,
watch as this man plummets to certain death. However, just as he
is about to hit the ground, he rights himself, pulls his feet
underneath himself, and lands gracefully. He then turns and comes
back into the building. Naturally, the two men are amazed. The
guy comes back into the bar, orders a few drinks, then repeats
the process. The two men at the window seat are astounded! When
the guy returns and repeats the procedure AGAIN, the two
men stop him before he jumps and ask him how on earth he does
that. He replies "It's simple, really. There's an air vent down
by the ground, and if you catch the updraft, you can right
yourself and land on the ground with no problems." Then he
proceeded to jump out the window again. Well, these two men
decided that they just HAD to try this, so they jumped out the
window, and SPLAT! -- made a mess hitting all over the ground.
Meanwhile, the first guy has made it back up to the bar. When he
sits down to order his drinks, the bartender says "Superman, you
can be a real asshole when you're drunk!"
Gangsters
Some Polish Gangsters decide to rob a bank. After several days of
planning they agree on the best plan. The next day they get to
work and are able to get into the bank relatively easy thanks to
their planning.
Once inside the main vault they discover one wall is full of
safety deposit boxes and start to work on them immediately. They
drill and pry open the first box only to find a small container
of vanilla pudding inside.
The Head Gangster says "Okay, well, at least we can eat it." So
they eat the pudding. They drill and pry open up the second
Safety deposit box and there sits another pudding. They decide to
devour it too.
Determined to find the goods, the process continues for the rest
of the night until all the safety deposit boxes have been opened.
They didn't find any money or jewelry in any of the boxes.
Disappointed the head gangster said "Well, at least they left
something for us to eat".
The next day, while listening to the news they hear: "Yesterday
the largest sperm bank in the USA was robbed by an unknown group
of people".
The Golf Outing...
A couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf
course, lined with million dollar houses. On the third tee the
husband said, "Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball-
don't knock out any windows. It'll cost us a fortune to fix."
The wife teed up and shanked it right through the window of the
biggest house on the course. The husband cringed and said, "I
told you to watch out for the houses! Alright, let's go up there,
apologize and see how much this is going to cost."
They walked up, knocked on the door, and heard a voice say, "Come
on in."
They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a
broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer.
A man on the couch said, "Are you the people that broke my
window?"
"Uh, yeah. Sorry about that." the husband replied.
"No, actually I want to thank you- I'm a genie that was trapped
for a thousand years in that bottle. You've released me. I'm
allowed to grant three wishes- I'll give you each one wish, and
I'll keep the last one for myself."
"OK, great!" the husband said. "I want a million dollars a year
for the rest of my life."
"No problem-it's the least I could do. And you, what do you
want?" the genie said, looking at the wife.
"I want a house in every country of the world," she said.
"Consider it done." the genie replied.
"And what's your wish, genie?", the husband said.
"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, I haven't had sex
with a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your
wife."
The husband looks at the wife and said, "Well, we did get a lot
of money and all those houses, honey. I guess I don't care."
The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for two hours.
After it was over, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife, and
said, "How old is your husband, anyway?"
"35." she replied.
"And he still believes in genies- that's amazing."
GENIE
A lead hardware engineer, a lead software engineer, and their
project manager are taking a walk outdoors during their lunch
break when they come upon an old brass lamp. They pick it up and
dust it off. Poof -- out pops a Genie.
"Thank you for releasing me from my lamp-prison. I can grant you
3 wishes. Since there are 3 of you I will grant one wish to each
of you."
The hardware engineer thinks a moment and says, "I'd like to be
sailing a yacht across the Pacific, racing before the wind, with
an all-girl crew."
"It is done", said the Genie, and poof, the hardware engineer
disappears.
The software engineer thinks a moment and says, "I'd like to be
riding my Harley with a gang of beautiful women throughout the
American Southwest."
"It is done", said the Genie, and poof, the software engineer
disappears.
The project manager looks at where the other two had been
standing and rubs his chin in thought. Then he tells the Genie,
"I'd like those two back in the office after lunch."
