I Like the Way You Think...

A teacher was helping her student with a math problem.  She
 recited the following story :

"There are three birds sitting on a wire.  A gunman shoots one of 
the birds. How many birds are left on the wire?" The boy pauses.  
"None," he replied thoughtfully.

"No, no, no.  Let's try again," the teacher says patiently. She 
holds up three fingers. "There are three birds sitting on a 
wire.  A gunman shoots one," she puts down one finger, "how many 
birds are left on the wire?"

"None," the boy says with authority. The teacher sighs.  "Tell me 
how you came up with that." "It's simple," says the boy, "after 
the gunman shot one bird, he scared the other two away." "Well," 
she says, "it's not technically correct, but I like the way you 
think."

"Okay," chimes the boy, "now let me ask you a question.  There 
are three women sitting on a bench eating popsicles.  One woman 
is licking the popsicle, one woman is biting the popsicle, and 
one is sucking the popsicle.  Which one is married?" he asked 
innocently.

The teacher looked at the boy's angelic face and writhed in 
agony, turning three shades of red. "C'mon," the boy said 
impatiently, "one is licking the popsicle, one is biting, and one 
is sucking. Which one is married?"

"Well," she gulped and in a barely audible whisper replied," the 
one who's sucking?"

"No," he says with surprise, "the one with the wedding ring on. 
But I like the way you think."

Indian Names

One day, an Indian boy asks his father, "Daddy, how did my 
brother and sister get their names?" The father said "Ok..." 
"When your sister was conceived, their was a bright white moon in 
the sky and so we named her White Moon." "Your brother was named 
Running Deer because right after he was born I saw
a deer running by." The father hesitated and said..."Why do you 
ask Broken-Rubber?" 

In Hell

Three guys found themselves in Hell: Smitty, Mark, and Brian. A 
little confused at their present situation, they were startled to 
see a door in the wall (which they hadn't noticed before) open, 
and behind the door was perhaps the Ugliest woman they had ever 
seen. She was 3'4", dirty, and you could smell her even over the 
Brimstone.

The voice of the Devil was heard, "Smitty, you have sinned!!! You 
are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this 
woman!" And Smitty was whisked through the door by a group of 
lesser demons to his doom.

This understandably shook up the other two, and so they both 
jumped when a second door opened, and lo! an even more disgusting 
example of womanhood gone wrong. She was over 7', covered in 
thick black hair, and flies circled her.

The Voice of the Devil was heard, "Mark, you have sinned!!! You 
are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this 
woman!!!" And Mark, like Smitty, was whisked off.

Brian, now alone, felt understandably anxious, and feared the 
worst when the third door opened. And as the door inched open, he 
strained to see the figure of... Cindy Crawford!!!!!!!!!!!!

Delighted, Brian jumped up, taking in the sight of this beautiful 
woman, barely dressed in a shiny metallic NASA-space-age material 
bikini. Then he heard the voice of the Devil say :

"Cindy, you have sinned ........"

International Relations

There is a plane crash in between several Caribbean islands. 
There are only 15 survivors who manage to
make it to a small deserted island. The survivors are:

3 Italians (two men and a woman)
3 French (two men and a woman)
3 Germans (two men and a woman)
3 Greeks (two men and a woman)
and 3 Brits (two men and a woman).

Six months later....

One Italian man had killed the other, and was living with the
 woman.
The French had a delightful menage a trois.
The Germans had a system of strict rotation. Hans on odd days, 
Franz on even. The Greek men were living together and had the 
woman doing the housework.
And the Brits..... were still waiting to be introduced to each 
other.

In Tune With Needs

Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is
 heating up. But then the wife stops and says "I don't feel like 
it, I just want you to hold me."

The husband says "WHAT??"

The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional
 needs as a Woman.

The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and 
he might as well deal with it. So the next day the husband takes 
her shopping at a big dept. store. He walks around and has her 
try on three very expensive outfits. She can't decide. He tells 
his wife to take all three of them. Then they go over and get
matching shoes worth $200 each. And then they go to the Jewelry 
Dept. where she gets a set of diamond ear rings. The wife is so 
excited. She thinks her husband has flipped out -- but she does 
not care. She goes for the tennis bracelet. The husband says "but 
you don't even play tennis, but OK if you like it then let's get 
it."

The wife is jumping up and down so excited she cannot even
 believe what is going on. She says "I am ready to go, lets go to 
the cash register."

The husband says, "No - no - no, honey we're not going to buy all 
this stuff."

The wife's face goes blank. "No honey - I just want you to HOLD 
this stuff for a while."

Her face gets really mad and she is about to explode and the 
Husband says, "You must not be in tune with my financial needs as 
a Man."

The Irishman's Interview

An Irishman went for an interview with one of the major blue chip 
computer companies. When the interview was over the interviewer 
told him that all applicants had to complete a test. 

The interviewer took a piece of paper and drew six vertical lines 
in pairs of two on the paper and placed it in front of the 
Irishman. 

"Could you please show me a clever way to make this into nine?" 

After thinking for a while the Irishman took the pencil and drew 
a canopy of leaves on top of the three pairs of lines, and handed 
the paper back to the interviewer. 

The interviewer looked at the drawings and said: "But that is not 
nine!" 

"Oh yes it is", said the Irishman with a broad Irish accent, 
"Tree + Tree + Tree make nine!" 

The interviewer handed the paper back to the Irishman and asked 
him to make it 99. After thinking for a longer while the Irishman 
scribbled up and down the trunks and handed the paper back to the
interviewer. 

The interviewer looked at the drawings and said: "But that is not 
ninety nine!" 

"Oh yes it is", said the Irishman, "Dirty tree + dirty tree + 
dirty tree make ninety nine." 

The interviewer was now a bit cheesed off so he decided to do the 
Irishman once and for all, therefore, he handed the paper back to 
the Irishman and asked him to make it 100. 

After thinking for a considerably longer time the Irishman 
suddenly grabbed the pencil and drew a little blop (hundelort) on 
the bottom right hand side of each three and handed the paper back to the interviewer. 

The interviewer looked at the drawings and said: "But that is
 not 100!" 

"Oh yes it most certainly is", said the Irishman with a much 
broader Irish accent, "Dirty tree and a turd + dirty tree and 
turd + dirty tree and a turd make 100!!!!!" 

Italian Spelling

 A bus stops and two obviously Italian-type men get on. They seat
 themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The lady 
sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but
her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the 
following: 

   "Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, they come together. I 
come again. Two asses, they come together again. I pee twice. 
Then I come once more." 

  "You foul-mouthed wop swine," retorted the lady indignantly. In 
this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!" 

"Hey, cool down lady," said the man. "I was only tellin' my 
friend here how to spell Mississippi." 

You Don't Know Jack Schitt

Many people are at a loss for a response when someone
says: "You don't know Jack Schitt." Now you can handle this
situation with aplomb!

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt and Oh Schitt.
Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married Oh Schitt,
the owner of Kneedeep Schitt Inn. In turn, Jack Schitt
married Noe Schitt and the deeply religious couple produced
six children.

Holy Schitt, their first, unfortunately passed on shortly
after childbirth. Next came twin sons, Deep Schitt and
Dip Schitt; two daughters, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt;
and another son, Bull Schitt. Against his parents' objections,
Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.
Dip Schitt married Lotta Schitt and they produced a Mongoloid
son, Chicken Schitt. Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were
inseparable throughout their childhood, and married the Happens
brothers in a joyous dual ceremony. The Schitt-Happens children

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world.
He recently returned to the family farm with his new bride,
Pisa Schitt, on his arm. The young couple is awaiting the
imminent arrival of Baby Schitt.

Now when someone tells you that you don't know Jack Schitt,
you can gently correct them.

A MAN IN THE LADIES ROOM



The gentleman had a serious problem. He had made several attempts 
to get into the men's restroom, but it was always occupied.
The stewardess noticed that he was taking short steps and had a 
look of pain on his face. "Sir", she said, "You may use the 
ladies' room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on 
the wall." He would have promised anything and said so.
The relief was pure joy, and as he sat there savoring the 
feeling, he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch. 
Each button was identified by letters: WW, WA, PP, and a red one 
labeled ATR. Who would know if he touched them? He couldn't 
resist. He pushed WW.

Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom. What a nice 
feeling. Men's restrooms don't have things like this. 
Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air 
replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside. When this 
stopped, he pushed the PP button.

A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of 
spring flowers to this unbelievable pleasure. The Ladies' 
restroom is more than a restroom. It is a place of tender loving 
pleasure. When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he could 
hardly wait to push the ATR button, which he knew would bring him 
supreme ecstasy...

He knew he was in a hospital as soon as he opened his eyes. A
 nurse was staring down at him with a "smirk" on her face. "What 
happened?",he exclaimed. "You pushed one too many buttons", 
replied the nurse. "The last button marked ATR was an Automatic
Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow!"