A video set. All four members of Bad News are standing around, discussing their contract which Den is holding.
Vim: But when we signed the original...
Spider: This is the bit here, look.
Vim: When we signed the original recording contract it didn't say anything about that.
Spider: It's paragraph three...
Den: (reads) "Additional three minutes of footage..."
Colin: What is the problem?
Den: "...of artists in various performance situations."
Vim: Yeah, but they never told us that when we signed the original contract...
Colin: Yes they did!
Vim: ...this is a different clause, it's not...
Den: It says it there, look.
Spider: It says, "Bohemian Rhapsody plus an additional three minutes."
Vim: But we... how can we make an additional three minutes? We haven't got an additional three minutes!
Spider: Well, that's what we're talking about, we can't do nothing.
Den: I don't understand it.
Colin: What do you mean, you don't understand it? (Grabs script from Den.)
Vim: I mean, a video's a video, isn't it?
Colin: Look, it says it here. Look, look, it's clear. (reads) "You shall deliver to us a finished, edited version of the film on the first generation one inch C format PAL stereo Dolby-A encoded video tape, together with two one inch C format PAL stereo Dolby-A encoded copy masters and one stereo PAL low-band 3/4 inch video cassette of the film, brackets, inverted commas, the video master, close inverted commas, close brackets, and a separate first generation audio tape of the soundtrack recorded in the video master, supplied as a PAL 701/F1 digital recording, on the VHS or 3/4 inch video tape format, to run synchronously with the video master with audio channel 1 containing a guide audio track synchronous with the digital audio and audio channel 2 containing a 25-frame EBU time code which locks the said audio tape to the video master, inverted commas, such audio tape and the video master are hereinafter called "the masters", close inverted commas, close brackets, stop. The soundtrack of the video master shall be the sound recording embodied in the copy master tape of the title specified in, brackets, c, below, which shall be supplied to you by us together with the sound recorded live for the additional footage detailed in c below." It's simple!
Spider: But we still don't have another number.
Den: I think it's a load of bollocks.
Vim: I mean, they say we've gotta make one video, right, now they're saying we've gotta make two videos!
Colin: I missed out a comma. I missed out a comma, that's why we don't know what's going on.
Vim: That doesn't make any sense!
Colin: There's a comma after "synchronous", you see.
Vim: It doesn't make any sense at all, that.
Colin: Well, it means it's in the indicative.
Spider: We don't, we can't... we don't do any other...
Vim: But we haven't got any money to make another one, have we?
Colin: All they're saying is you have to make a video for no money. It's perfectly simple.
Spider: I agree with Den, it's a load of bollocks!
Vim: But, I mean, these people aren't gonna work for nothing, are they?
Colin: Course they are, they're all working class.
Den: (reading the contract again) But... you signed it though, Vim. Look, you signed it.
Spider: We all signed it!
Vim: Yeah, well, they never show you what you're signing, do they?
Spider: We're all fucking twats, that's the problem, we all signed it!
Vim: Sharkey said I should just sign it.
Colin: So you have to make the video and we don't, is that what you're saying?
Den: Oh, that's alright. Let's just go.
Vim: But... I haven't...
Colin: You make the video now. (To cameraman) Turn it onto Vimto and he'll make his video for us.
Den: (To camera, pointing at Vim) He's gonna make the video.
(Cut to the same scene, a little later)
Colin: It's hardly happened for a month now.
Den: Have you got the keys for the van?
Spider: Let's just go. I wanna go down the pub. They're open now, let's go down the pub.
Vim: I think... we should sit down...
Den: (walking off) Anybody seen the keys?
Vim: ...we should sit down and write a statement about EMI.
Spider: (to Den) I'll come with you. Are you going?
Colin: (turning round to Den) Alan says we've got to write a statement about EMI.
Vim: Turn the camera off. Turn the camera off. (Puts hand over lens) Turn the camera off, please.
Colin: No, leave the camera running, let's...
Vim: No, no, we don't need this... this sort of thing getting out.
Spider: They're not filming us now. This is just...
Vim: (removes hand from lens, looks into camera) Is that running or what?
Cameraman: No.
Vim: (puts hand over lens again) Turn it off!
(Cut to an outdoor scene. There are bits of scrap metal and wood stacked against a wall. The band members are hidden behind the wall.)
Director: Action.
Colin: Pardon? Pardon?
Director: (louder) Action.
Colin: Now?
Director: Now!
(Colin walks into shot and starts to approach the camera, moodily.)
Vim: Wanker!
(Colin turns and goes back behind the wall.)
Director: Come on boys, really!
Colin: I'm coming, I'm doing it now. (Walks back into shot and approaches the camera. He leans against the wood and metal, and attempts to rest his foot casually on a piece of metal which is sticking out. The metal collapses under his foot and springs back noisily.) Hi.
Vim: (Walks into shot smoking a cigarette, approaches the camera, rests his foot on a piece of wood at the other side of the screen.) Hi.
Director: Next!
Spider: (Walks into shot drinking from a bottle of beer, which froths up and spills on the ground. He approaches the camera unsteadily.) Hi!
Director: Next!
Colin: (turning round) Faster.
Den: (Walks into shot and approaches the camera, carrying two planks of wood.) Tell you what, there's some great wood back there. Where's the van?
Colin: What?
Den: I'm gonna load up. (Walks out of shot with the planks.)
Vim: Yeah, but... we're supposed to be coming out now! You've ruined that one, we'll have to do it again. Do it again. (Turns and starts to walk back.)
Colin: I've done it five times.
Vim: Well you'll have to do it again! (He turns. Colin follows.) Cut!
Colin: Cut.
Spider: Why are we doing this, anyway?
Den: (Walking back into shot.) Cut.
Spider: Why are we doing this?
(Cut back to the same scene. The band members are peering from behind the wall.)
Den: We're ready.
Director: Action!
(They realise they are still in shot and disappear behind the wall.)
Colin: (Approaches the camera as before.) Hi.
Director: Next!
Vim: (As before.) Hi.
(Spider and Den arrive together.)
Vim: Quicker! Quicker!
Spider: Hi!
Den: Hi.
Vim: Hi, right. Hi!
Colin: Hi!
(They attempt to speak in unison, but fail.)
Vim: We are Bad News...
Colin: We are the four horsemen of...
Den: Four horsemen of the...
Spider: We are Bad News!
Colin: ...four horsemen of the rock apocalypse...
Den: ...rock apocalypse.
Colin: Start again. Hi, we are the...
Vim: We are Bad News!
Colin: What? Shut up!
Vim: We are Bad News, and we are the...
Colin: Alright, alright, do it.
Den: EMI are shit.
Colin: Start again, cut, start again.
Spider: EMI are shit.
Vim: Start again! (Starts to walk back.)
Colin: No, we'll do it here, do it here, for fuck's sake!
Spider: We don't have to do all that again.
Vim: (Turns back.) Right.
Colin: And cut out the bad language as well. Three, four.
(They try to speak in unison again.)
Vim: We are the four horsemen...
Colin: We are the four horsemen...
Den: EMI are shit.
Colin: ...of the rock apocalypse!
Vim: And we just wanna say...
Colin: EMI are full of...
Vim: ...that EMI are shit.
Spider: EMI are shit!
Colin: ...EMI are full of shit.
Vim: And this is the B-side...
Spider: We don't wanna do this.
Colin: Unpaid B-side for our single.
Vim: ...for our video single.
Colin: And we just want to say that EMI are full of... well, they want to say that EMI are full of shit, I personally have a very good relationship with them.
Spider: Yeah, I really get on very well with what's-his-name.
Den: Nick?
Spider: Nick. I like him very much.
Den: He's alright, yeah.
Spider: But I think it's a bit of a cheek, you know. No-one said we had to do this.
Den: Where's that contract? Where's that bit of paper?
Colin: You used it earlier in the toilet.
Director: Cut!
(Cut to close-up of Vim.)
Vim: We've got to play louder!
(Close-up of Spider.)
Spider: Heavy Metal? I could give it up tomorrow if I wanted to... couldn't I?
(Close-up of Colin. He punches his hand and rests his fist on his chin thoughtfully.)
Colin: Hmmmm!
(Close-up of Den.)
Den: Every mistake imaginable. That's, like, the initials. EMI. Every...
(Den and the crew collapse in hysterical laughter.)
Director: Cut it!