Excaliber Den: No, it's the introduction... Colin: Can't you take a joke? It's just a little bit of fun. Den: It's the introduction to "Excalibur", that's what it is. Vim: I don't think it's very funny. Colin: Well, I thought it was funny. Just because you don't think... Vim: I don't think you CAN be very funny about metal. Colin: Well, I think YOU can, every time you pick up a ruddy guitar, you frightful thing! Vim: God, I fucking hate you. Colin: Look, it's taken us three days to tune up, can we just settle on something? Do we have to row all the time? Vim: I've got to think of the lyrics yet. Den: You've got lyrics for "Excalibur". Colin: How do the lyrics for "Excalibur" go then? Den: They go "Excalibur, my nightmare." Colin: Well then, sing that! Den: But that's... this is the introduction to "Excalibur". Colin: Well then, get through the introduction and get to the main bit! Den: That's what I'm trying to do but you keep talking all over it! Vim: I said "Three, four"! Den: You're meant to make noises... Colin: He said "Three, four", that's right, I'm right with you there. Den: You're meant to make noises of wolves and bells and all that... you've got to make all the noises. Colin: Oh, I see. Alright then. Alright. Spider: Right, what are you gonna be, a wolf or a bell? Colin: Oh, I'll be both, I don't know. Vim: Right. Take it away. Three, four. Spider: Are you the welf or... are you the welf or the bull... the bell? Vim: Take it away, DEN! Three, four. Den: I'm waiting for them to stop wanking. Vim: Can the bell and the fucking wolf just shut up for a minute? Take it away. Three, four. Colin: Yes, you're the wolf. Vim: You're the wolf, yeah. Colin: And I'm the bell. Vim: What's the bell like, Colin? Colin: Clang. (Everyone collapses in hysterical laughter, except Colin.) Colin: Is that funny, is it? Spider: I think that's the funniest thing I've ever heard! Vim: It's fuckin' hilarious! Spider: Go on then, clang again! Vim: Well, it's not a bell, is it? Bells don't go "clang", that's just a word people invent... Colin: Oh! Oh, how odd! I thought that bells did go "clang". Of course, bells go "vroom vroom", don't they? Or perhaps they go "moo!" In my book bells go "clang", now leave me alone! Vim: No! They actually go, "dunnnngggggggg......" Colin: No, that's cow poo. Vim: It's not fuckin' cow poo! Colin: It is! Dung is cow poo. Bells go "clang". Alright then, I'll go "ting". "Ting-a-ling". "Tinkle". Tinkle, that'll do, won't it? Den: Well, just think of a.. of a groovy sound effect. Can't you get into it, Colin? Have you got a problem getting into stuff? Vim: Can you do an owl, then? Colin: Yes. Vim: Go on then. Spider: Day seventeen. Things aren't going quite as well as we'd hoped. Colin: Woooooo.... Den: That's good. That'll do. Vim: That's alright, yeah. Den: Right. So you let the music go for a few bars, and then you bring them in all subtly. Vim: Well, I think we need more effects than just a bloody wolf and an owl. Colin: Oh look, we'll just... let's start. Den: Yeah, but we've taken three days just to get them. Colin: Let's just start... Vim: But a wolf and an owl isn't very heavy, is it? Colin: Oh, shut up, Alan, shut up! Be constructive! We're supposed to be a pop group, not a lot of... ruddy collection of... Den: Right, that's it, I'm going. Colin: ...twerps. Den: Right, that is it. I'm unplugging. Vim: No, don't unplug. Den! (Den unplugs.) Vim: Colin! Den: That's it. I'm sorry, I'm not in a pop group. Colin: What...? Den: That is it. I'm sorry. Colin: Well, what ARE you in, then? Spider: We're just about to start recording... Den: I'm in a heavy metal band. Colin: I'm sorry, I said the wrong words... Vim: Well, why don't you just fuck off then? Colin: Okay! Everything's lovely... and a-one, and a-two, and a-three, and a-four! Vim: One, two, three, four. (Den starts to play the intro to "Excalibur".) Colin: DUNNNGGGG!!!! (Den stops playing.) Den: I don't want to do this. I'm unplugging again, 'cause Colin just wants to fuck it up. Vim: Don't unplug! Don't unplug, Den. Den: This is meant to be our big statement and you're just saying "Dung" all over it. Vim: It's lyrical at the beginning, right... Colin: I know, I know, but you've obviously got to have some cows and sheep and things... Vim: There aren't any sheep in Mongolia! Den: That's a good name for a band. Vim: It's all horses and eagles and vultures and... birds of prey and antelopes and stags... and lions... Colin: Well, we'll do those noises then. Vim: ...and that beast that's on the "lager of Lamot" commercials. Colin: Yes. A sabre-toothed horse. Vim: Right. Two, three, four. (Den and Vim start to play.) Colin: Oooooooooooooowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwoooooooooooooooooooo!!!! Vim: Stop, stop. Stop. (They stop playing.) Colin: Ooooooooooowwwwwooo! Mooooooo!!! Ooowwwwooo!! Erk! Erk! Erk! Flap flap flap flap flap. That's a bat. Flap flap.... what? Why's everyone stopped? Den: 'Cause you're shit. 'Cause everything about you is shit. Vim: What sort of animal is that? Den: Your brain is shit... Vim: What sort of animal is that? Den: ...your body is shit... Colin: Which one? I did four! Vim: Well, you shouldn't do all four at once! Colin: I started with a wolf, then I went to an owl, and then I did a cow along the way, and then we finished with some bats. Vim: I told you, there aren't any fuckin' cows in Mongolia! Colin: No you didn't, you said sheep. I wasn't to know that... Vim: There aren't any domestic animals in fuckin' Mongolia! Spider: Brian? Brian, have you got a map or anything? Or, like, a geography book so we can find out? Colin: No, but is the def... Wait a minute, wait a minute, is the definition of a cow a domestic animal, or is it a farmyard animal? A domestic animal is a cat or a dog. Vim: And how many fuckin' wild cows have you seen recently? Colin: And how many cows have you seen sitting next to the fire, nestling over slippers, Alan? Not a lot! Probably about none, I think, is probably the amount you've seen. Spider: Right, well, let's have a... Colin: Oh, go and fetch the paper from the newsagent's, Daisy! Spider: I have got a very good compromise. I think we should make it a calf, not a cow, 'cause then you could kill it, like killing a... Den: That'd be good, yeah, we could kill it... Vim: No, it should be a fuckin' bison! Den: No, why don't we just kill Colin? Vim: It should be a fucking bison if it's going to be any sort of... fuckin' bovine... whatever they call cows. Den: Let's just sacrifice Colin! Colin: What noise does a bison make and I'll make it. Spider: Let's call it "Excalibur Veal!" (laughter) "Excaliveal!" I can't say that... Vim: Look, the domestic animal - the definition of, is one that's sort of tame... Den: I'm bored. Vim: ...Not just ones that are in your fuckin' house! Den: I am bored. Colin: Well, you should get a wig then. Vim: Only do fuckin' wild animals! Spider: (still laughing) "Veal - The Album!" Vim: Veal isn't fucking wild! Colin: (now also laughing) I think it's awfully funny, don't you? Vim: I fucking DON'T! One, two, three, four... (Vim starts to play again. Den fails to join in.) Vim: Den? Den: I'm just waiting for Spider and Colin to stop fucking around. Vim: (sighs) I can't fuckin' start him off till you've stopped fucking about, so do all your fucking about now. Spider: We've stopped. We've stopped. We've stopped. Vim: Do all your fucking about now, right? Do it now. Spider: (sings) Fucking about, fucking about... fucking about, fucking about... Vim: Just tell me when you've stopped fucking about, okay, and we... Spider: Okay, I've finished fucking about. Vim: Have you? Has Colin stopped fucking about? Colin: No, it's my turn now. Fucking about, fucking about... is that how you do it? Spider: Fucking about, fucking about... Colin: Fucking about, fucking about... Vim: I thought you said you'd finished fucking about, Spider? Spider: He wanted to know how it went! Colin: He was just showing me how to do it. Watch. (Spider and Colin sing "Fucking about" a few times.) Spider: Fucking about, we're all so fucking about, oh, we don't care... Okay, we feel fine now. Colin: Alright, good. Spider: Let's go. One, two, three, four.