HOW TO IDENTIFY DIFFERENT TYPES OF TUBA PLAYERS

Loser: Owns all the Torchinsky excerpt books and all the Blasevich etudes; Practices every day for two hours, minimum; Oils valves & greases slides daily; Brings pencil to rehearsal every day; Diligently works out difficult technical passages; Asks the conductor about musical and ensemble questions; Favorite music: Vaughan Williams, 'Tuba Concerto'

Weak: Has a stack of photocopied excerpts and a Rochut book; Practices an hour most days, sometimes more; Oils valves if needed; Usually remembers a pencil; Gets most of the tough licks out; Asks the section leader about musical and ensemble questions; Favorite music: Die Bankelsangerlieder

Iffy: Has a couple of his teacher's books in his locker; Practices for 20-30 minutes when festival week comes around; Borrows valve oil when valve won't come up; Gets a pencil when told; Plays some of the tough stuff, lets section leader have the really nasty licks; Sits in back and follows quietly; Favorite music: Stars & Stripes Forever

Fair: Has a few 6th-generation copies of some loud stuff; Might practice just to impress cute sax player; Uses WD-40 on valves, swears by it; Borrows a pencil only to write in "fff"; Panics on fast stuff, uses the "Four-Valve Fake" and plays really soft; Will ask someone "Was that too loud?"; Favorite music: Claude T. Smith, 'Emperata Overture'

Decent: Plays along with a Rubank Big-Note Songbook; Practices only when angered by younger player two chairs up; Uses "Pledge" on valves, swears by it; Vaguely remembers using a pencil once; Plays a little fast stuff, uses the "First-Valve Fake" for the rest; Sits in back and follows whoever is loudest; Favorite music: Ride of the Valkyries

Really Good: Plays along with a K.C. and the Sunshine Band CD; Practices takedowns and reverses on his horn; Valves get oiled; Is kept away from sharp objects; Uses "Four-Valve Fake" and plays really loud; Will ask someone "Where are we?"; Favorite music: Toccata and Fuge in D Minor (marching band version in F)

Smokin': Never has any music, but always has another spitball; Claims practicing is for dweebs; Only uses oil to use up the last half-ounce in trumpet geek's bottle; Doesn't need a pencil, has eaten his music on a dare; Doesn't use any valves when there's no point in trying; Will ask someone "Is she single?"; Favorite music: Schwarzenegger movie themes

Iron-Clad Stud: Puts all sheet music in the bathroom for emergencies; Rattles the valves before rehearsal to make sure they still work; Beats sticky valves into submission; Marks his music in blood; Plays all technical stuff up an octave with all valves held down; Will ask the conductor, "Are we on break now?"; Favorite music: "Your beer, sir."