©1999 by Kurt Nemes

How many times have you paid a visit to the local mall and seen a group of teenagers milling around? What did you feel and think? Did you look at their baggy clothes and think "Gosh, they look like slobs?" Did you wince when you saw skin adorned with sometimes graphic tattoos? Did you almost faint upon seeing that some fool had discovered you could pierce yet another body part? Did you ever see them pushing or shoving each other and feel fear, as if they might lose control and start ransacking the place? Finally, did you ever say to yourself, "When I was their age, I never would have gotten away with that!"

I would like to be able to tell you: Don't worry. These kids are in the minority. Or it's just a stage. They'll grow out of it and become productive members of society. The media dwell on them and they grab the spotlight from the countless others of their decent, hardworking, respectful peers.

Unfortunately I can't allay your concerns. Demographically these in-your-face teens might be outnumbered, but things can change rapidly in our television and internet-based, information society. What today could just be a fad, tomorrow might become a movement. In my experience, ignorance often lies at the root of fear. What I would like to suggest to you today is that much of our fear of these young people comes from our ignorance of the threats, challenges, and conditions that confront them today. Some of these experiences are the same, some are radically different than we-the elders-experienced growing up.

Because I am a parent of two pre-teen daughters, such concerns are constantly at the forefront of my thoughts. What must I do, I constantly ask myself, keep my own children from turning out like those kids? In addition, for several years, I have volunteered to be a leader in my church's senior high religious education program. Based on my experience, I would like to tell you about three observations to keep in mind when dealing with young people. These have helped me, and may help you, remain optimistic about the future of our youth.

First, society has failed a number of these people. In her book, "A tribe apart," Journalist Patricia Hersch, who lives in Reston, Virginia, spent three years hanging out with and becoming the confidant of teenagers in the high school of her affluent suburb. What she found was harrowing. Many of the youth of today feel completely abandoned by their materialistic and two-career parents. In the absence of meaningful relationships with adults, they form the equivalent of tribes, which provide a sense of belonging. Unfortunately, these tribes have rules and mores that are cribbed together from values presented popular culture, which we see in the dress, tattoos, and manners of those kids in the mall. What is sad is that many choose this out of desperation, just as some people turn to cults for a sense of belonging.

Even more telling is that the whole society, often for fear of upsetting the status quo and the feelings of the parents of these teens, often do not want to rock the boat. For example the school once was to be visited by a group of politicians, on the campaign stump in 1992. Students were given the assignment to write about issues of concern to teenagers to read in front of a school assembly. They chose to write about their concerns-sexual harassment, drugs, abortion. Unfortunately the school officials would not them read the pieces in front of the candidates, because they were deemed "inappropriate." Hersch's main thesis is this: how are youth supposed to become productive members of society if we adults do not model admirable behaviors for them?

My second observation is that obstreperous behavior among young people-and adults for that matter-is often the result of deep-seated psychological trauma. Let me tell you about Frederick. Frederick is a fifteen-year old boy who is in my religious education class at my church. For about five or six years, I cringed whenever I saw him at any church function. He was always agitated, would say inappropriate things, disrupt services and would instigate other kids to do wild things on our church retreats. In class this year, he has acted the same way. Up close, I've observed that he has a very quick mind and is quite articulate. He just seems to have no manners and on a number of occasions I've had to bite my tongue, take a deep breath, and keep myself from trying to put him in his place.

Well, a couple of weeks ago, we were sitting around in class having a discussion about our fears. This is a theme for a project we're working on. At one point, Frederick held up his hand and said, "I have a fear." He then told us how he had been mortally afraid of swimming. He said the reason was that when he was little, his father took him out in a boat in a lake, dropped him over the side, and told him to swim. "I just sank," Frederick said. Frederick told us that his father said that was how his father had taught him to swim.

I shudder when I think of this story. At the same time, it taught me a lesson. Had I jumped on Frederick earlier for his obstreperousness, he might not have felt safe enough to share that story with the class. And I would still have the impression that he was a "bad" kid. Some schools of psychology suggest that such self-revelations are the first step in shedding these old behaviors.

My third and final recommended strategy for dealing with youth in crisis is to remember our own struggles. All of us, you know, must one day confront the thought of our own mortality. Until several years ago, however, I did not want to. Then two friends of mine from college died in quick succession and the matter was brought to the forefront once again. One day, around the same time, my oldest daughter was sitting in the back seat while I was driving her somewhere and she asked me the question: "Daddy, what are the ways people can die?" For a moment I froze. Then I remembered what it had been like when I was about her age and my grandfather died, followed shortly by a cousin of mine about my own age. My own fear of death no doubt went back to being taken into a funeral home and seeing these two people laid out in their coffin.

Remembering my own discomfort made me think about how to deal with my daughter's questions. When a child asks you a question like that, it's usually not a superficial one, like we adults ask when we greet each other and say, "How are you?" So I just said to my daughter, that's a good question, Claire, what are some ways people can die? She came up with a whole set of quite grisly scenarios for snuffing it, some quite fantastic. And by the end she was laughing. Had I said something like "We shouldn't talk about such things," imagine what kind of effect that would have had. And you know what, that actually helped me untie the complex knot of emotions I had around the concept.

In conclusion, I'd just like to remind you of the points I made today. First, if young people are at risk, it's often because society has failed them. Second, sometimes, offensive behavior is the result of deep-seated psychological trauma and requires understanding and patience. Finally, it's important to put ourselves in the shoes of young people and remember our own adolescent struggles. We must empathize with them as they confront those and the others that we never encountered.

Who knows, the next time you're at the mall, perhaps you'll have a wonderful interaction with a teenager that will make you feel that kids are indeed the hope for the future.