Date: 03-05-91 (19:16)             Number: 330
From: DAN M____                    Refer#: NONE
  To: ALL                           Recvd: NO
Subj: And A Good Bidet' To You       Conf: (0) BAR&GRILL


My wife has a ten gallon jug of honey do projects that keep on growing while I frantically try to keep up with them from my horizontal position on the couch.  I think I'm going to have to get a 20 gallon container to make room for the growing number of requests.  Yesterday, I was forced at pen point, by my oppressive wife to go to Ernst (they sell hardware & home accessories) to look at kitchen sinks.  Seems like my old lady has this wild dream of a new kitchen.  Unfortunately, I ordered some new cabinets and they will be arriving in a few weeks.  Now she wants a new sink. She drug me kicking and screaming to the cabinet section where they have sinks on display.  I was not a happy camper.  All those cabinets to put up and now she wants a double sink with a garbage disposal section.  She couldn't find what she wanted and of course, I was of no help.  I kept calling the security guard and telling him I was kidnapped and being subjected to involuntary servitude.  The jerk only smiled.  Then this stupid female clerk came over and she asked if she could be of service.  I gave her one of those cynical looks that I get before I really become obnoxious.  Before I could utter a word my wife interjected that she wanted a sink, a double sink, an Almond colored sink.  One side deep the other side for a disposal section.  The clerk said she didn't have any in stock but if we found one in the catalog she could order it at a discounted price and have it in a day.  "Oh sure", I said in snotty tone.  Sounds like work to me."  The old lady (affectionate term) oooohed and aaaawed as she looked through the color catalog but didn't find the one she was looking for.  In a rare moment of help, I offered to look and grabbed the catalog away from her.  Without looking I said "NOPE! None in here!"  My wife said, "you didn't even look!"  I responded that I checked it by Osmosis.  She gave me one of those pained looks and shook her head.  "OK, OK, OK," I said and browsed though the catalog.  And then I saw them.  I couldn't believe it.  Bidet's.  (definition, noun: a low, bowled shaped porcelain bathroom fixture equipped with running water used to wash the crotch)  Dozens of them.  All colors.  "Look!", I exclaimed, "Bidets'!"  Looking straight at the young female clerk I said, "How would you like to have one of these?  I could see that I was making the clerk very nervous and my wife alertly realized that I was in one of those outrageous moods and started to slink down the aisle.  "Are bidets becoming popular?", I asked.  The clerk started to turn a pale pink and said she didn't know.  I asked her how do you use a bidet' as her pink faced turned an opaque red slightly brighter than a setting sun.  How do women use a bidet'?" I queried the embarrassed clerk.  By this time I could tell she was going to have an involuntary bowel movement if she didn't get away, but as she beat a hasty retreat she exclaimed that she would get one of the other clerks to help.  None showed up so I went to the information counter and asked for some help of another very young, gum-chewing, female clerk.  I asked her for a salesmen to demonstrate a bidet.  It was obvious that she did not know what they were.  Taking full advantage of this naive young thing I asked if she could call over the PA system to have a salesmen come to the bathroom accessory and demonstrate a bidet.  Willingly she picked up the announcing system microphone and "We need a salesman to demonstrate a bidet on aisle 4".  You should have seen the look on the rest of the clerks faces as they stared in disbelief.  A roar of laughter came from the other customers and all the salesmen anywhere close to aisle four headed as far away as they could get.  I saw my wife sneaking out to the car.  Oh well, at least she wouldn't ask me to go shopping with her again for a long, long time!

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