The images swirled around
her, bringing with them the sensations; the smell of him, the feel
of his touch, the taste of him in her mouth...
It was her dream again--or
rather Jev's interpretation of a dream. She was far enough along
in her recovery to be able to recognize it now
when it came to her in the middle of the night, but not quite far enough
to resist it's pull when it threatened her sleep.
She awoke gasping, clutching
the damp sheets close to her; trying desperately to fight her way back
to reality. Resisting the urge to call Beverly,
she lay back against the pillows. She definitely didn't need
to bother Beverly with this, she tried to convince herself. The CMO
of the Enterprise
had fought her own battle against the nightmare images that Jev had
implanted, as had her closest friend, Will Riker. But as she lay
awake
trying to rid herself of the final ghosts of the dream, she couldn't
help but feel the familiar pang of guilt that always accompanied her thoughts
of Beverly and Will's journey of recovery from the Ullian's attack
on them. Guilt over the fact that, had it not been for Jev's obsession
with her,
Beverly and Will would have been spared this devastating experience.
Jev had, after all, only subjected them to his false memories in an
attempt to "cover his tracks", as it were, over what he had done to
her. It was this fact that hindered her recovery so much more then
her
friends. They had both faced their fears and demolished Jev's
attempts to control their memories, but Deanna, faced not only with Jev's
violation,
but the guilt she felt over what had happened to the others, was still
far from complete recovery. To make matters worse, she had been both
unwilling
and unable to tell anyone how she felt and had not even been able to
discuss with Will exactly what Jev's memories had been. She had told
Beverly,
but only in the strictness of confidence.
Now in the darkness
of her empty cabin, she wept for what her friends had been put through
as much as she wept for herself.
**************************
A few days later, Will's
voice startled her from her troubled thoughts as she gazed out the forward
window of Ten-Forward. "Deanna,
may I join you?"
She looked up, slightly
disturbed by his nearness, before smiling and gesturing to the empty seat
across from her. "Yes, please, Will, sit down."
Taking the offered seat,
he sat down, placing his drink on the table in front of him.
In a lowered voice he began, "Beverly mentioned you were
having trouble sleeping. I was wondering if you needed to talk?"
Looking down at her own
glass and then momentarily closing her eyes, she exhaled, "Yes, I suppose
we should." She had hoped Beverly
wouldn't tell Will anything when she had gone to see her about the
sleeping difficulties, but understood that her friend was only trying to
help.
He let his hand reach out
and take hers across the table. He thought he felt her tense, but
looking at the woman he felt more for than
anyone he had ever known, he ignored it. "You can
trust me, Deanna."
Nodding slowly, she let
her eyes meet his and felt the sting of tears coming. "You're right,
Will, we do need to talk, but not here and not
just yet, " she explained.
Not taking that for an answer,
he pressed, "When Deanna? If something is affecting you enough that
you need Beverly's help just to get
to sleep, don't you think it might be better to get it out in the open?"
She understood his words,
and the meaning behind them, but couldn't bring herself to tell him why
she was so affected.
"This has to do with Jev,
doesn't it?" he asked, quietly letting his gaze drop to the small
hand he still held in his own. "I know you've talked to
Beverly about it, but it obviously hasn't been enough. "
She looked away, not wanting
him to see the tears that threatened to spill at any moment. "I'm
fine, " she told him, still unable to face him.
"Deanna, you are most definitely
NOT fine. You can't sleep, you've locked yourself away,
and whatever strain you're under...well, it's
beginning to show."
Horrified, her eyes snapped
back to his, meeting his concerned gaze. Had it really been that
noticeable? Did he know? Pulling her
hand from his, she stood. " I have to go now, I have appointments,
" she managed to get out before turning towards the exit.
She felt his hand gently
on her arm, "No, Deanna, we need to talk. If not here somewhere else
and NOW, before this goes any
further."
Unable to stop him as he
guided her out of Ten-Forward and towards the safety of her cabin, she
began to prepare herself for
what was to come.
**********************
"Now, we're alone;
talk to me, " he said as they entered her cabin, his voice sounding the
strain of the past few months. He had talked
with the Captain and with Beverly immediately after Jev's capture,
but they had both been unwilling to divulge anything about Jev's attack
on Deanna. It had steadily been driving him crazy not knowing
what it was that was putting his Imzadi through such hell.
He watched as she stood
facing the window, bringing her arms up and quietly holding herself.
He went to her and gently wrapped
his arms around her. But this time when she tensed from his touch,
he couldn't control the anger that welled up inside him. "What?!
What is it?!" he said spinning her around to face, his anger over her
exclusion of him over the past months when she should have been
confiding in him, overshadowing what he had set out to do which was
get to the bottom of this, melted away as soon as he saw the fear and
panic in her wide eyes. "Deanna, " he began softly now,
"please you have to tell me what's going on," the look of fright diminishing
somewhat,
but not completely disappearing.
When she didn't say anything,
he continued, "You've been avoiding me for weeks, you're barely sleeping,
and what little sleep you are
able to get is plagued with nightmares from what Beverly told me.
What are the dreams about, Deanna?" Still there was silence.
"Have I done something,
Deanna? Have I not done something? What?" the frustration
of not knowing building inside him again.
"It's about Jev," she said
quietly, still standing before him, but unable to look at him.
"O.k. Let's talk about it,
" he said guiding her to the couch. He had assumed that Jev's assault
on her had been similar to the ones
on himself and Beverly; forcing her to relive a painful memory in a
more twisted and horrifying form. But whatever Deanna's memory
had been it obviously was causing a great deal more harm then what
Jev had inflicted on them.
"It's not that simple, Will.
I can't just "talk" about it and make everything better," she said lowering
her face to her hands, tears
starting to fall.
Looking down at his own
hands clasped tightly in front of him, "What did he make you see?"
She stood, the close contact
with him suddenly becoming too much for her once again. "Will, you
have to leave," she pleaded.
"What did he make you see?"
he repeated.
"You don't understand, "
she whispered.
"Make me understand!" his
voice exploding in the quietness of her cabin.
"I can't!" she screamed
back at him, her fear fighting against her desire to fall into his embrace
and tell him everything.
"Why?! Deanna, I am closer
to you then anyone. I want to help you, I want to
take you in my arms and chase
away the monsters, but I can't DO that if you won't let me."
The tenuous grasp she had
on her emotions faltered and tears spilled unbidden. "You...he made
me see you," gasping and trying
to regain control.
"Me?" his puzzled expression
urging her on.
She turned away from him,
unable to let the words come if she was looking into those eyes.
"It was...that night...after the poker
game; the night we almost..." her voice trailed off.
Coming to stand behind her,
he tried to wrap his arms around her, but she pushed them away unable to
bear it any longer.
"You can't take the monsters
away, Will, because you ARE the monster! You're the one in
my dreams; you're the one that holds
me down and hurts me, you're the one that pulls my dress up and you're
the one that...makes...me..."
"Deanna...I never..." his
stunned expression giving way to realization over what Jev had done.
"In my mind I can separate
the memories, but in my dreams it's still you, " she cried while
holding herself tightly. "He took the most
precious thing I've ever had, Will, he took my trust...my security...in
us!"
Unable to stand any longer,
the weight of her confession becoming too heavy, she sank to the floor
crying in deep, racking sobs.
The anger he had felt for
so long...of being shut out of her life...of her pain, disappeared in a
renewed blinding flash of hate
towards the Ullian. He lowered himself to her and held her tiny
body against him. "Oh, Deanna, Imzadi, I'm sorry," he breathed
into her hair.
"No!" her anger with herself
for her inability to see Jev's attack for what it was, in her inability
to separate her love for Will from
the horrible image Jev portrayed to her, and her overwhelming guilt
over Will and Beverly's suffering, crashed down upon her. "It's
all my fault, " she wailed.
"Deanna, shhhh, look at
me. Nothing that happened was your fault. Nothing,
" he cradled her against his chest, rocking
her gently.
"No! " she tried to push
him away, but failing accepted a small portion of the comfort he offered
and collapsed back against
him. Taking a deep breath she prepared to release her fears to
his waiting warmth. "You...and Beverly...he wouldn't have hurt both
of you...if it hadn't...if he hadn't...been trying to protect himself...over
what he did to me!" it rushed out in broken thoughts and
broken images projected at him. He reeled as the images she sent
to him seeped into his conscious.
He had dreamed of this moment
for years, when she would open herself to him again, allowing through their
bond to let him
see things as she saw them again...as she had done before...when they
had been so close. But now his happiness at this shared
experience was tainted; tainted by the images she projected with such
force. He saw their kiss, felt her panic when he wouldn't let
her go and then her desolation when he rose off of her and left her
there on the floor.
Shaking from the effort
of sending her memory to him, she fell into him almost catatonic with disbelief
that she had done it;
that she had allowed him to see into her nightmares.
The last feelings he grasped
at were of her guilt. "Come here, " his voice husky in her ear as
he gripped her closely to him.
Both unable to move after
the revelation, they held each other for what seemed an eternity.
"We will get through
this, " he said , bringing her face to look at his. "I don't know
how, but we will, Imzadi, " and she buried
herself in his embrace knowing that he was right and silently rejoicing
that she could finally begin to heal.