Net Jokes
A father and his son go into the grocery store when they happen
upon the condom aisle. The son asks his father why there are so
many different boxes of condoms. The father replies...well, you
see that 3 pack? That's for when you're in high school. You
have 2 for Friday night and 1 for Saturday night. The son then
asks his father, well what's the 6 pack for? The father replies,
well that's for when you're in college. You have 2 for Friday
night, 2 for Saturday night, and 2 for Sunday morning.
Then the son asks his father what the 12 pack is for. The
father replies, well that's for when you're married. You have
one for January, one for February, one for March......
****************************************************************************
FOUR strangers travelled together in the same compartment of a
European train. Two men and two women faced each other.
One woman was a very wealthy and sophisticated 75 year old lady
who was decked out in the finest of furs and jewelry. Next to her
sat a beautiful young woman, nineteen yrs. old--who looked like
something right off the cover of a fashion magazine. Across from
the older lady was a man in his late-forties who was a highly
decorated Sergeant Major in the Army. And next to the Sergeant
Major sat a young private fresh out of boot camp.
As these four strangers travelled, they talked and chatted about
trivial things until they entered an unlighted tunnel, and there they
sat in complete darkness and total silence, until the sound of a
distinct kiss broke the silence; following the kiss a loud slap could
be heard throughout the cabin.
In the ensuing period of silence the four strangers sat quietly with
their own thoughts.
The older lady was thinking,
"Isn't it wonderful
that even in this permissive day and age there are still young women
who have a little self-respect and dignity?"
The young woman, shaking her head and greatly puzzled,
asked herself, "Why in the world would any man in his right mind want to
kiss an old fossil like that when I'm sitting here?"
The Sergeant Major, rubbing his sore face,
was outraged that any woman could ever think that a man in his
position would try to sneak a kiss in the dark.
And the private, grinning from ear to ear,
was thinking, "What a crazy and mixed up world this is when a
private can kiss the back of his hand and then smack a Sergeant
Major in the face and get away with it!"
=====
There were a group of archeologists who dug up a line of hieroglyphics
that were, from left to right: a dog, a donkey, a shovel, a fish, and a
Star of David. After years of study they came up with an explanation.
They believed that this was a very wise group of people. First, thy knew
man had to have company, hence the dog. Next, they knew that they needed
animals to help with work, so the donkey. The shovel was there because
of their advanced knowlege of tools. Next, they knew that they had to
eat, and that fish were the best source of food. Finally, they were a
religious group and knew man had to have religion.
After the explanation, a man jumped up and said, "You fools, Hebrew read
from right to left! It says 'holy mackerel, dig the ass on that bitch!'"
=======
Penguins
>
>A man drives to a gas station and has his tank filled up. While doing
>this the clerk spots two penguins sitting on the back seat of the car.
>He asks the driver, "What's up with the penguins in the back seat?"
>
>The man in the car says, "I found them. I asked myself what to do with
>them but, I haven't a clue."
>
>The clerk ponders a bit then says, "You should take them to the zoo."
>
>"Yeah, that's a good idea," says the man in the car and drives away.
>
>The next day the man with the car is back at the same gas station. The
>clerk sees the penguins are still in the back seat of the car. "Hey,
>they're still here! I thought you were going to take them to the zoo!"
>
>"Oh, I did," says the driver, "and we had a swell time. Today I'm taking
>them to the beach."
>
>
>
>
>Subject: Anagrams
>
>
>An Anagram, as we all know, is a word or phrase made by transposing or
>rearranging the letters of another word or phrase. The following are
>quite
>clever. Someone out there either has way too much time to waste, or is
>really
>deadly competition at Scrabble.
>
>Dormitory Dirty Room
>
>Evangelist Evil's Agent
>
>Desperation A Rope Ends It
>
>The Morse Code Here Come Dots
>
>Slot Machines Cash Lost in 'em
>
>Animosity Is No Amity
>
>Mother-in-law Woman Hitler
>
>Snooze Alarms Alas! No More Z's
>
>Alec Guinness Genuine Class
>
>Semolina Is No Meal
>
>The Public Art Galleries Large Picture Halls, I Bet
>
>A Decimal Point I'm a Dot in Place
>
>The Earthquakes That Queer Shake
>
>Eleven plus two Twelve plus one
>
>Contradiction Accord not in it
>
>This one's amazing:
>"To be or not to be: that is the question, whether tis nobler in the
>mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune."
>
>Anagram:
>In one of the Bard's best-thought-of tragedies, our insistent hero,
>Hamlet, queries on two fronts about how life turns rotten.
>
>And the grand finale:
>
>"That's one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind." -
>Neil A. Armstrong
>
>Anagram:
>A thin man ran; makes a large stride, left planet, pins flag on moon!
>On to Mars!
=======
>Okay, so a reporter is walking down the street and she stops three men-a New
>>Yorker, a Chinese man, and a Russian. She asked them, "Excuse me, what are
>>your opinions on the raising price of meat in the world??"
>>
>> The Chinese man said, "Excuse me, what's an opinion?"
>>
>> The Russian asked, "Excuse me, what is meat?"
>>
>> and the New Yorker said, "Excuse me, what's excuse me???"
>>
>>
====
A police officer (who shall remain nameless) pulled over a red
Porsche after it had run a stop sign. "May I see your driver's
license and registration please?"
"What's the problem, officer?"
"Your just ran the stop sign back there at the last
intersection."
"Oh, come on pal, there wasn't a car within miles of me".
"Nevertheless sir, you are required to come to a complete stop,
look both ways, and proceed with caution."
"you gotta be kidding me!"
"It's no joke, sir".
"Look, I slowed down almost to a complete stop, saw no one within
twenty miles, and proceeded with caution."
"That's beside the point, sir. You are supposed to come to a
complete stop, and you didn't. Now if I may see your license and.
. ."
"You've got a lot of time on your hands, PAL! What's the matter,
all the doughnut shops closed?"
"Sir, I'll overlook that last comment. Let me see your license
and registration immediately!"
"I will, if you can tell me the difference between slowing down,
and coming to a complete stop."
The police officer had enough. "Sir, I can do better than that."
He opened the car door, dragged the obnoxious motorist out, and
proceeded to methodically beat him over the head with his
nightstick.
"Now sir, would you like me to slow down or come to a complete
stop?"
======
------------------------------------
A few Housewives were sitting around the table talking, and the
subject turned to their husbands. One lady said "My husband
just won't go to church with me, I think he's going to go to
Hell."
This led to talk around the table and it was generally
agreed that, for one reason or another, all the husbands were
going to end up in Hell.
So, then the housewives started speculating about themselves.
One woman said "I try to be good - I'm sure I'll make it to Heaven."
Another one said "No, I did this bad thing, I won't make it."
So, then they noticed that one of the ladies wasn't saying anything.
And they looked at her and said "You're such a nice lady, surely
you're going to Heaven...?"
She says "No, first thing in the morning, I'm going to buy me
a ticket straight to Hell!"
They were shocked and asked
"Why??"
"Well, you don't expect me to live in a world
without men, do you??!?"
*********************************************************
A ventriloquist cowboy walked into town and saw a rancher
sitting on his porch with his dog:
Cowboy: "Hey, cool dog. Mind if I speak to him?"
Rancher: "This dog don't talk!"
Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?"
Dog: "Doin alright"
Rancher: (Extreme look of shock)
Cowboy: "Is this your owner? (pointing at rancher)"
Dog: "Yep."
Cowboy: "How's he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food,
and takes me to the lake once a week to play."
Rancher: (Look of disbelief)
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Rancher: "Horses don't talk!"
Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it goin?"
Horse: "Cool."
Rancher: (an even wilder look of shock)
Cowboy: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at rancher)
Horse: "Yep."
Cowboy: "How's he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly,
brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me
from the elements."
Rancher: (total look of amazement)
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your SHEEP?"
Rancher: (stuttering, and hardly able to talk)......
"Th-Th-Them sheep ain't nothin but liars!!!"
****************************************************************
YOU ARE A CHILD OF THE 80'S IF:
- You know what a "burnout" is.
- You know what "Sike" means.
- You know the profound meaning of "Wax on, Wax off".
- You know that another name for a keyboard is a"Synthesizer".
- You wanted to be a Goonie.
- You know who Max Headroom is.
- You ever wore flourescent, neon if you will, clothing.
- You could breakdance, or wish you could.
- You wanted to be The Hulk for Halloween.
- Partying "like it's 1999" seemed SO far away.
- You wanted to be on StarSearch.
- You can remember what Michael Jackson looked like before his
nose fell off.
- You wore a banana clip at some point during your youth, or
knew someone who did.
- You knew what Willis was "talkin' 'bout".
- You HAD to have your MTV
- You hold a special place in your heart for "Back to the
Future".
- You thought Molly Ringwald was REALLY cool.
- You actually thought "Dirty Dancing" was a REALLY good
movie.
- You heard of Garbage Pail Kids.
- You knew "The Artist" when he was humbly called "Prince".
- You remember when ATARI was a state of the art video game
system.
- You own any cassettes.
- You were led to believe that in the year 2000 we'd all be
living on the moon.
- You remember And/or own any of the CareBear Glass collection
from Pizza Hut.
- Or any other stupid collection they came out with.
- Poltergeist freaked you out.
- You carried your lunch to school in a Gremlins or an ET
lunchbox.
- You have ever pondered why Smurfette was the ONLY female
smurf.
- You know what a Doozer is.
- You wore biker shorts underneath a short skirt and felt
stylish, or knew someone who did.
- You ever had a Swatch Watch.
- You can name 1/2 the members of Duran Duran
- You remember when Saturday Night Live was funny.
- You had WonderWoman or Superman underoos.
- You know what a "Whammee" is.
- You had a crush on Jon Bon Jovi, or knew someone who did.
If you can identify with at least half of this list then you are
most certainly a product of the 80's!
8888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888
------------------------------------
A few Housewives were sitting around the table talking, and the
subject turned to their husbands. One lady said "My husband
just won't go to church with me, I think he's going to go to
Hell."
This led to talk around the table and it was generally
agreed that, for one reason or another, all the husbands were
going to end up in Hell.
So, then the housewives started speculating about themselves.
One woman said "I try to be good - I'm sure I'll make it to Heaven."
Another one said "No, I did this bad thing, I won't make it."
So, then they noticed that one of the ladies wasn't saying anything.
And they looked at her and said "You're such a nice lady, surely
you're going to Heaven...?"
She says "No, first thing in the morning, I'm going to buy me
a ticket straight to Hell!"
They were shocked and asked
"Why??"
"Well, you don't expect me to live in a world
without men, do you??!?"
*********************************************************
A ventriloquist cowboy walked into town and saw a rancher
sitting on his porch with his dog:
Cowboy: "Hey, cool dog. Mind if I speak to him?"
Rancher: "This dog don't talk!"
Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?"
Dog: "Doin alright"
Rancher: (Extreme look of shock)
Cowboy: "Is this your owner? (pointing at rancher)"
Dog: "Yep."
Cowboy: "How's he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food,
and takes me to the lake once a week to play."
Rancher: (Look of disbelief)
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Rancher: "Horses don't talk!"
Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it goin?"
Horse: "Cool."
Rancher: (an even wilder look of shock)
Cowboy: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at rancher)
Horse: "Yep."
Cowboy: "How's he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly,
brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me
from the elements."
Rancher: (total look of amazement)
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your SHEEP?"
Rancher: (stuttering, and hardly able to talk)......
"Th-Th-Them sheep ain't nothin but liars!!!"
****************************************************************
<
YOU ARE A CHILD OF THE 80'S IF:
- You know what a "burnout" is.
- You know what "Sike" means.
- You know the profound meaning of "Wax on, Wax off".
- You know that another name for a keyboard is a"Synthesizer".
- You wanted to be a Goonie.
- You know who Max Headroom is.
- You ever wore flourescent, neon if you will, clothing.
- You could breakdance, or wish you could.
- You wanted to be The Hulk for Halloween.
- Partying "like it's 1999" seemed SO far away.
- You wanted to be on StarSearch.
- You can remember what Michael Jackson looked like before his
nose fell off.
- You wore a banana clip at some point during your youth, or
knew someone who did.
- You knew what Willis was "talkin' 'bout".
- You HAD to have your MTV
- You hold a special place in your heart for "Back to the
Future".
- You thought Molly Ringwald was REALLY cool.
- You actually thought "Dirty Dancing" was a REALLY good
movie.
- You heard of Garbage Pail Kids.
- You knew "The Artist" when he was humbly called "Prince".
- You remember when ATARI was a state of the art video game
system.
- You own any cassettes.
- You were led to believe that in the year 2000 we'd all be
living on the moon.
- You remember And/or own any of the CareBear Glass collection
from Pizza Hut.
- Or any other stupid collection they came out with.
- Poltergeist freaked you out.
- You carried your lunch to school in a Gremlins or an ET
lunchbox.
- You have ever pondered why Smurfette was the ONLY female
smurf.
- You know what a Doozer is.
- You wore biker shorts underneath a short skirt and felt
stylish, or knew someone who did.
- You ever had a Swatch Watch.
- You can name 1/2 the members of Duran Duran
- You remember when Saturday Night Live was funny.
- You had WonderWoman or Superman underoos.
- You know what a "Whammee" is.
- You had a crush on Jon Bon Jovi, or knew someone who did.
If you can identify with at least half of this list then you are
most certainly a product of the 80's!
------------------------------------
A pretty blonde woman is driving down a country road in her new
sports car when something goes wrong with the car and it breaks
down. Luckily, she happens to be near a farmhouse. She goes up to
the farmhouse and knocks on the door. When the farmer answers,
she says to him,
"Oh, it's Sunday night and my car broke down! I
don't know what to do! Can I stay here for the night until tomorrow
when I can get some help?
"Well," drawls the farmer, "you can stay here, but I don't want
you messin' with my sons Jed and Luke." She looks through the
screen door and sees two young men standing behind the farmer.
She judges them to be in the early twenties. "Okay," she says.
After they have gone to bed for the night the woman begins to
think about the two boys in the room next to her. So she quietly goes
into their room and says, "Boys, how would you like for me to
teach you the ways of the world?"
They say, "Huh?"
She says, "The only thing is, I don't want to get pregnant, so
you have to wear these condoms." She puts them on the boys, and the
three of them go at it all night long.
Forty years later Jed and Luke are sitting on the front
porch,rocking back and forth.
Jed says, "Luke?"
Luke says, "Yeah, Jed?"
Jed says, "You remember that blond woman that came by here about
forty years ago and showed us the ways of the world?"
"Yeah," says Luke, "I remember."
"Well, do you care if she gets pregnant?" asks Jed.
"Nope," says Luke, "I reckon not."
"Me, neither," says Jed, "Let's take these things off."
*************************************************************
HAVE YOU UPGRADED YET TO WINDOWS '98??????????????
If you do, here's a preview of the READ ME FIRST page
Congratulations on your purchase of Windows 98 (c),
the latest version of the world's #1 computer operating
system from Microsoft.
A) Before using your new software, please take the time to read these
instructions carefully. Failure to do so may further limit the terms of
the limited warranty. Windows 98 (c) represents a significant
technological improvement over Microsoft's previous operating
system, Windows 95 (c).
You'll notice immediately that
* "98" is a higher number than "95,"
* a better than 3 percent increase.
But that's not all. Windows 98 (c) contains many features not found in
Windows 95 (c), or in any competing computer operating system, (if
there are any of course).
Among the improvements: faster storing and
retrieving of files (not in all models), enhanced "Caps Lock" and
back-space functionality, smoother handling, less knocking and
pinging, an easy-to-follow 720-page User's Guide, and rugged
weather-resistant shrink wrap around the box. Most important,
Windows 98 (c) offers superior compatibility with all existing
Microsoft products. We're betting that you'll never use another
company's software again.
Windows 98 (c) comes factory-loaded with the latest version of
Microsoft Explorer, the world's most popular Internet browser. And
despite what you may have heard from the U.S. Department of
Justice, Windows 98 (c) offers you the freedom to select the
Internet browser of your choice, whether it's the one produced by
the world's largest and most trusted software producer, or by a
smaller company that will either go out of business or become part
of the Microsoft family.
Configuring Windows 98 (c) to use a browser OTHER than Microsoft
Explorer is easy. Simply open the "Options" folder, click on the
"time bomb" icon, and select "Load Inferior Browser." A dialog box
will ask "Are you sure?" Click "yes." This question may be asked
several more times in different ways and in 12 different languages
; just keep clicking "yes." Eventually, the time-bomb icon will
enlarge to fill the entire screen, signifying that the browser is
being loaded. You'll know the browser is fully loaded when the fuse
on the time bomb "runs out" and the screen "explodes." If at any
time after installation you become disappointed with the slow speed
and frequent data loss associated with other browsers, simply tap
the space bar on your keyboard. Microsoft Explorer will automatically be
re-installed- permanently.
Windows 98 (c) also corrects, for the first time anywhere, the "Year
2000" computer problem. As you may know, most computers store
the current year as a two-digit number and, as a result, many will
mistake the year 2000 for 1900. Windows 98 (c) solves the
problem by storing the year as a four-digit number and, in theory,
you won't have to upgrade this part of the operating system until the
year 10000.
However, the extra memory required to record the year in four digits
has prompted a few minor changes in the software's internal
calendar. Henceforth, Saturday and Sunday will be stored as single
day, known as "Satsun," and the month of June will be replaced by
two 15-day months called "Bill" and "Melissa." Please also take the
time to complete the online registration form. It only takes a few
minutes and will help us identify the key software problems our
customers want addressed. Be assured that none of the
information you provide, whether it's your Social Security number,
bank records, fingerprints, retina scan or sexual history, will be
shared with any outside company not already designated as a
Microsoft DataShare partner.
We've done our best to make using Windows 98 (c) as trouble-free
as possible. We want to hear from you if you're having any
problems at all with you software. Simply call our toll-free Helpline
and follow the recorded instructions carefully. (The Helpline is open
every day but Satsun, and is closed for the entire month of Bill.)
If we don't hear from you, we'll assume your software is working
perfectly, and an electronic message to that effect will be forwarded
to the Justice Department. We'll also send, in your name, a letter to
the editor of your hometown newspaper, reminding him or her that
American consumers want software designed by companies that
are free to innovate, not by government bureaucrats.
Again, thanks for choosing Windows 98 (c).
========================
A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends
wanted to send flowers for the occasion.
They arrived at the new business site and the owner read
the card; it said "Rest in Peace".
The owner was angry and called the florist to complain.
After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how
angry he was,the florist said.
"Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting
angry you should imagine this: somewhere there is a funeral taking
place today, and they have flowers with a note saying,
"Congratulations on your new location.
------------------------------------
A lady was applying for a position as a housekeeper and when asked why
she left her last employment, she replied, "Yes, they paid good wages,
but it was the most ridiculous place I ever worked. They played a game
called "Bridge" and last night there were a lot of folks there.
As I was about to serve refreshments, I heard a man say, "Lay down
and let's see what you've got". Then another man said, I've got
strength but no length". Than another man said to a lady, "Take
your hand off my trick".
I pretty near dropped dead. Just then, the lady answered "You
forced me; you jumped me twice when you didn't have the strength
for one raise".
"Another woman was talking about protecting her honor. Well, I got
my hat and coat as I was leaving I hope to die...if one of them didn't
say "I guess I'll go home now; this is the last rubber". Then I
fainted out cold!
================================
A newly married couple was on holiday in the Middle East and they
came upon the main city bazaar. They walked around the market place
looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop.
>From inside they heard a gentleman say "you foreigners? Come in my
friends. Come into my humble shop. Salam a leekem!"
(hello in english) So the couple walked in.
The bazaar merchant says to them, "I have some special sandals
I think you'd be interested in. They make you wild at sex like a
great desert camel."
After hearing this statement, the wife became intrigued and
encouraged her husband to try them on. Her husband smirked and
winked at his wife, with the comment, " I don't think I really
need them." But since they were having fun in the bazaar, he
asked the merchant, " So, how could sandals make you into a sex
animal.?"
The merchant smiled and replid "Just try them on, my friend,
trust me!"
Well, in the combined spirit of goodwill and after much badgering
from his wife, he finally consented to try them on.
The husband put the shoes on and and a wild look seemed to
appear in his eyes, something his wife has not seen in many
years -- the look of raw sexual power.
In a blink of the eye, the husband rushed the merchang,
threw him on the table and started tearing at the guys pants.
While trying to run away, the bazaar merchant is yelling non-stop
"You'be got the shoes on the wrong feet...
You've got the shoes the wrong feet.."
==========
A bus load of politicians were driving down a country road,
>when all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed
>into a tree in an old farmer's field. The old farmer,after seeing
>what happened, went over to investigate. He then proceeded
>to dig a hole and bury the politicians.
>
>A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed
>bus, and asked the farmer where all the politicians had gone.
>The old farmer said he had buried them. The sheriff then
>asked the old farmer, "Were they ALL dead?" The old farmer
>replied, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know
>how them politicians lie."
*********************
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded
up Jack's station wagon and headed north. After driving for
a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They
pulled into a nearby farm house and asked the attractive
lady of the house if they could spend the night.
"I'm recently widowed," she explained, "and I'm afraid the
neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."
"Not to worry," Jack said, "we'll be happy to sleep in the
barn." Nine months later, Jack got a letter from the widow's
attorney. He called up his friend Bob and said:
"Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow at the
farm we stayed at?"
"Yes, I do."
"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go
up to the house and have sex with her?"
"Yes, I have to admit that I did."
"Did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your
name?"
Bob's face turns red and he said, "Yeah, I'm afraid I did."
"Well, thanks! She just died and left me everything!"
8888888888888888
THE IDEAL WOMAN-WHAT EVERY MAN EXPECTS!!!
1. She will always be beautiful and cheerful. She could marrie a movie
star, but she wants only you!
2. She will have hair that never needs curlers or beauty shops
3.HER beauty wont run in a rain storm
4. She will never be sick, justallergick to jewelry and furs
5.She will insist that moving furniture is good for her figure.
6.She will be an expert in cooking,fixing the car, painting,&keeping quiet.
7. Her hobbies will be mowing the lawn
8.She will hate credit cards
9.Her favorite expression will be "What can I do for you dear?"
10. She will think you are a genius and look like her favorite movie star
(Dundee)
11. She will ask you to go out with the boys so she can get some house work
done.
12. She will love you because you are so SEXY!
BUT WHAT HE ACTUALLY GETS!!!
1. She speeks a 140 words per minute, with gusts up to 180
2. She was a model once, for a totem pole
3.She is a light eater, once it's light, she starts eating
4. Where there is smoke,she is cooking
5.She lets you know you have only 2 faults, everything you do and
everything you say
6. NO matter what she does with it ,her hair looks like an EXPLOSION in a
steel wool factory!
7.If you get lost, open your wallet and she will soon find you.
If you want to hear more I'll tell ya either on ICQ or phone I won't on
e-mail. Someone might be monitering my messages and that would not look got
in court. Since I am trying to be a respecible Mom and not a driver. Some
times the truck driver just sneeks out though!;)
88**********************88
HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN:
>>
>>
>> Compliment her,
>> cuddle her,
>> kiss her,
>> caress her,
>> love her,
>> stroke her,
>> tease her,
>> comfort her,
>> protect her,
>> hug her,
>> hold her,
>> spend money on her,
>> wine and dine her,
>> buy things for her,
>> listen to her,
>> care for her,
>> stand by her,
>> support her,
>> go to the ends of the earth for her.
>>
>>
>> HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN:
>>
>>
>> Show up naked,
>> Bring Beer.
>>
>>
>>
>>
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
Thought you might enjoy this also!
RECIPE FOR WHISHEY CAKE
INGREDIENTS
1. 1c. water
2. 1c. dried fruit
3. 1c. brown sugar
4. 1tsp. salt
5. 8oz nuts
6. 4 large eggs
7. 1tsp. baking soda
8. juice of 1 lemmon
9. the most important ingrediant of all 1 bottle of whisky!!
METHOD
1. Sample the whiskey for quality
2.Take large bowl
3. check whisky again
4.to be sure it is of the highest quality, pour 1 level cup and DRINK then
repeat the step
5. Turn on the mixer, beat 1 cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add
1tsp. of sugar & beat again
6. Make sure the whisky is ok, try another cup
7. turn off the mixer
8. Break 2 eggs & add to bowl, and chuck in the dried fruit
9. Mix on the turner
10. If the fruit get stuck in the beaters, pry it loose with a skrewdriver.
11. Sample the whiskey for tonsisticity
12. Next sift 2 cups of salt---or something, who cares?
13. Check whiskey
14.Now sift the lemon juice and strain your NUTS add one tablespoon sugar
or something like that, whatever you can find
15. Grease the oven, turn the cake tin 350 degrees
16. Don't forget to beatoff the turner
17. Throw the bowl out the window
18. Check the whiskey again, and Now go to bed!!
**********^^^^^^^^^^^^^*********
>>From a little book called "Disorder in the Court." They're things people
>actually said in court, word for word.
>Q: What is your date of birth?
>A: July fifteenth.
>Q: What year?
>A: Every year.
> ---------------------------------------------------
>Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
>A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
> ---------------------------------------------------
>Q: This myasthenia gravis does it affect your memory at all?
>A: Yes.
>Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
>A: I forget.
>Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of
>something that you've forgotten?
> ---------------------------------------------------
>Q: How old is your son the one living with you.
>A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember
>which.
>Q: How long has he lived with you?
>A: Forty-five years.
> ---------------------------------------------------
>Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that
>morning?
>A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
>Q: And why did that upset you?
>A: My name is Susan.
> ---------------------------------------------------
>Q: And where was the location of the accident?
>A: Approximately milepost 499.
>Q: And where is milepost 499?
>A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
> ---------------------------------------------------
>Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
>A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.
> ---------------------------------------------------
>Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
>A: After the accident?
>Q: Before the accident.
>A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.
> ---------------------------------------------------
>Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo or
>occult?
>A: We both do.
>Q: Voodoo?
>A: We do.
>Q: You do?
>A: Yes, voodoo.
> ---------------------------------------------------
>Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights
>flashing?
>A: Yes.
>Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of
>her car?
>A: Yes, sir.
>Q: What did she say?
>A: What disco am I at?
> ---------------------------------------------------
>Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he
>doesn't know about it until the next morning?
> ---------------------------------------------------
>Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
> ---------------------------------------------------
>Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
> ---------------------------------------------------
>Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?
> ---------------------------------------------------
>Q: Did he kill you?
> ---------------------------------------------------
>Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the
>collision?
> ---------------------------------------------------
>Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?
> ---------------------------------------------------
>Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
> ---------------------------------------------------
>Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
>A: Yes.
>Q: And what were you doing at that time?
> ---------------------------------------------------
>Q: She had three children, right?
>A: Yes.
>Q: How many were boys?
>A: None.
>Q: Were there any girls?
> ---------------------------------------------------
>Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
>A: Yes.
>Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
> ---------------------------------------------------
>Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
>A: I went to Europe, Sir.
>Q: And you took your new wife?
> ---------------------------------------------------
>Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
>A: By death.
>Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
> ---------------------------------------------------
>Q: Can you describe the individual?
>A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
>Q: Was this a male, or a female?
> ---------------------------------------------------
>Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice
>which I sent to your attorney?
>A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
> ---------------------------------------------------
>Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
>A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
> ---------------------------------------------------
>Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
>A: Oral.
> ---------------------------------------------------
>Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
>A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
>Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
>A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was
>doing an autopsy.
> ---------------------------------------------------
>Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
> ---------------------------------------------------
>Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
>A: No.
>Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
>A: No.
>Q: Did you check for breathing?
>A: No.
>Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive
>when you began the autopsy?
>A: No.
>Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
>A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
>Q: But could the patient have still been alive
>nevertheless?
>A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law
>somewhere.
> ---------------------------------------------------
>Q: You were not shot in the fracas?
>A: No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the
>navel.
>
++++++++++++++++++++
>TODAY'S STOCK MARKET REPORT
>Helium was up, feathers were down. Paper was stationary.
>Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading. Knives were up sharply.
>Cows steered into a bull market. Pencils lost a few points.
>Hiking equipment was trailing.
>Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.
>Weights were up in heavy trading.
>Light switches were off.
>Mining equipment hit rock bottom. Diapers remain unchanged.
>Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.
>The market for raisins dried up.
>Coca Cola fizzled.
>Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.
>Sun peaked at midday.
>Balloon prices were inflated.
>Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.
>And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market.
*********************
One day when the teacher walked to the black board,
she noticed someone handwritten the word 'penis' in
tiny small letters. She turned around, scanned the
class looking for the guilty face.
Finding none, she quickly erased it,and began her
class.The next day she went into the room, and she
saw, in larger letters, the word 'penis' again on the
black board.
Again, she looked around in vain for the culprit,
but found none, so she proceeded with the day's
lesson.
Every morning, for about a week, she went into the
classroom and found the same word written on the board,
each day's word, larger than the previous day's word.
Finally, one day, she walked in, expecting to be greeted
by the same word on the board, but instead, found the
words,
"The more you rub it, the bigger it gets!"
6666666666666666666666
One fine day in Ireland, a guy is out golfing and gets up
to the 16th hole. He tees up and cranks one. Unfortunately,
it goes into the woods on the side of the fairway. He goes
looking for his ball and comes across this little guy with
this huge knot on his head, and the golf ball lying right
beside him. "Goodness," says the golfer, and proceeds to
revive the poor little guy. Upon awaking, the little guy
says, "Well, you caught me fair and square. I am a
leprechaun. I will grant you three wishes."
The man says "I can't take anything from you, I'm just glad
I didn't hurt you too badly," and walks away. Watching the
golfer depart, the leprechaun thinks to himself, "Well, he
was a nice enough guy, and he did catch me, so I have to do
something for him. I'll give him the three things that I
would want. I'll give him unlimited money, a great golf
game, and a great sex life."
Well, a year goes by and the same golfer is out golfing on
the same course at the 16th hole. He gets up and hits one
into the same woods and goes off looking for his ball. When
he finds the ball he sees the same little guy and asks how
he is doing. The leprechaun says, "I'm fine, and might I
ask how your golf game is?""
"It's great! I hit under par every time."
"I did that for you. And might I ask how your money is
holding out?"
The golfer says, "Well, now that you mention it, every time
I put my hand in my pocket, I pull out a hundred dollar
bill."
"I did that for you too. And might I ask how your sex life
is?" The golfer looks at him a little shyly and says,
"Well, maybe once or twice a week."
The leprechaun is floored and stammers, "What?! Only once
or twice a week?"
"Well, that's not too bad for a Catholic priest in a small
parish."
8***********************8
>This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval
>ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland.
>
>Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a
>collision.
>
>Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North to
>avoid a collision.
>
>Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to
>the South to avoid a collision.
>
>Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert
>YOUR course.
>
>Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
>
>Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST
>SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE
>DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT
>YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE FIVE
>DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE
>SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
>
>Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.
>
>
>
>
NKJ
Caprifield Farm
**********************************
