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December '02
Quote of the Month
"'Dear Santa, first of all, I'm a Jew. Just thought I'd get that off my chest right away. Anyway, I was wondering if you could do me a favor. There's this guy ... he's a dick. Could you maybe make him not a dick and giftwrap him for me? In exchange, I can offer you a chai latte and a biscotti. Thanks a bunch. Shalom, Andrew.'" -- Sara 12/1 (her only quote this month!)
12/1
Online
"'Dear Santa, first of all, I'm a Jew. Just thought I'd get that off my chest right away. Anyway, I was wondering if you could do me a favor. There's this guy ... he's a dick. Could you maybe make him not a dick and giftwrap him for me? In exchange, I can offer you a chai latte and a biscotti. Thanks a bunch. Shalom, Andrew.'" -- Sara
12/2
LIRR, Hicksville and Penn Stations
"We don't talk about the pre-Andrew days." -- Dan Lerner
"Sounds like an aged whore." -- Dan Lerner, about the bakery Hot and Crusty
11/8
Online? I don't know
Kathleen: Do you have bats?
Man: Yes!
Kathleen: You have BATS?
Man: ... no.
"Word to the wise: don't say 'mangina' too loud in Kohl's." -- Tompy
12/13
Online
"Step carefully in the marsh-filled, Easterly realm of the Island that is Long." -- Doug
12/14
The Diner
"You are so stupid. You are the stupid float in the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade." -- Tompy, to Hoter
12/17
The Hoterrarium
"Was that your first pee in the new toilet?" -- Hoter, excited about the new bowl.
Tompy: Today's Tuesday.
Hoter: No, tomorrow's Wednesday.
12/20
New Tomponia
"Adam Slansky and his entire family are in my cupboard." -- Tompy
12/21
Painting Manhattan red with ketchup
"You are everywhere I don't want you to be." -- Tompy, to Hoter of course
"I am a happy German now. No more bombing and destroying. Those days are over." -- Peter, Disu's fianceoux
"It would take me less time to unscrew all the lightbulbs in that Christmas tree than it will take you to find that man." -- Tompy, as the rest of us tried to find Nisit at Rockefeller Center.
"No. I want to stay here forever and have my child in their bathroom." -- Tompy, ready to leave Playwrights Tavern
12/23
Outside King Kullen
Disuhan: It's cold out here.
Kathleen: So put on all your clothes!
12/24
Somewhere
"What would he be doing with an onion before ten in the morning?" -- My mom, baffled by the smell of onion upon coming home for her lunch break.
12/27
Crapplebees, with my PARENTS
"When you freak oujt, you leave. You don't freak back in." -- My dad.
"Why is it taking so long? What are they doing to my salad? It doesn't even take this long to spit in a salad." -- Mom, paranoid after having sent back her salad
"The participles can dangle without me." -- Andrew, preparing to skip his English class often next semester
12/28
Smithhaven Mall
"This has buttons down the back. I'm not Miss Mary Mack." -- Disuhan, dress shopping
New Tomponia
"This thing sucks. I'd rather have a cheap hooker shuffle my cards." -- Tompy, about her new card shuffler.
Hoter: Oh why don't you go to the coldest place on Earth and rot!
Andrew: Actually, I think we'd keep quite well in the coldest place on Earth.
"I lick the coating off and just suck it back!" -- Disuhan
Marika: This isn't brain science!
Andrew: This isn't rocket surgery!
"So my mom suggested that we get a keg hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhha!" -- Kathleen
"You invited 120 people? That's a lotta Jettas." -- Tompy
"The People vs. Andrew Berman." -- Tompy, describing the Phase Ten game in which everyone ganged up on me.
12/29
Borders
"Do I LOOK like I have an Aunt Millie?" -- Dwight
12/31
Borders
"DUDE! That shit spoils?" -- Gabi, feigning ignorance about the perishable nature of milk.