Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse were in divorce court and the judge said,"Mickey,
you say here that your wife is crazy."
Mickey replied,"No, I didn't, I said she was fucking Goofy."
*I Like the Way You Think"
A kindergarten teacher was giving a lesson to her pupils, and she asked them,"Ok,
if 3 birds are sitting on a fence, and I shoot one, how many are left?"
One of the boys raised his hand and the teacher called on him. "None," he answered. "No, I'm sorry, the answer is TWO," the teacher replied. "But," returned the boy,"if you shot at one bird, wouldn't the other two fly away?" "Well, that's still not the right answer," began the teacher,"but I like the way you think!"
"Ok, now I have a question for you," started the boy. "If 3 women are standing on a sidewalk eating ice cream and one is just nibbling at it, one is really licking it, and the other is shoving it deep down into her throat...how can you tell which one is married?"
"Now, I really don't like this question," lectured the teacher,"but I would have to say it is the thired one." The boy glanced casually at his teacher,"Nope, it is the one wearing the ring...But," he added," I like the way you think."
In a first grade class the teacher was teaching the 5 senses. When the teacher got to the sense of taste, she had teaste test for the students. Steve was up first. The teacher put a piece of orange in Steves mouth and asked,"Okay Steve, what is it?" Steve replied,"Oh, that's easy! It's orange."
The teacher put a piece of apple in Steve's mouth and asked,"Okay, Steve, what is it?" Steve replied,"This is easy too! It's apple."
The teacher then put a Hershey's Kiss chocolate in Steve's mouth and asked,"What is it?" Steve replied,"I'm not sure. I don't know." The teacher gave Steve a clue,"It's something that mommy gives daddy every night before she goes to bed." All of a suddent Johnny yells out fromt he back of the room,"Spit it out Steve! It's a piece of ass!"
Riddle
I am very popular to men and women.
I have been know to put on smiles.
I am known to come in different colors and sizes.
I am wrapped in different brands.
I am know to be either skinny and long or fat and stubbie.
When taken out, I go in hard and dry...
and come out soft and wet.
Once taken out a second time, I become dissatisfied to other, and tend to lose interest.
Now without hesitation,
GUEST WHO I AM?
Give up?...
A piece of chewing gum! What were you thinking!?
How did Dairy Queen get pregnant?
Burger King forgot to wrap his Whopper.
Golf Therapy
Two women are playing golf on a sunny afternoon when one of them slices her shot into a foursome of men. To her horror, one of the men collapses in agony with both hands in his crotch. She runs to him apologizing profusely, explaining that she is a physical therapist and can help ease his pain.
"No thanks...just give me a few minutes...I'll be fine..." he replies quietly with his hands still between his legs. Taking it upon herself to help the poor man, she gently undoes the front of his pants and starts massaging his genitals. "Doesn't that feel better?" she asks.
"Well...yes...that's pretty good," he admits. "But my thumb still hurts like hell."
A teacher, a petty thief, and a lawyer all died and went to the Pearly Gates.
Because of crowding, St. Peter told them they had to pass a test before ascending any further.
Addressing the teacher, he asked,"What was the name of the famous ship that hit an iceberg and sank?"
"The Titanic," she answered and St. Peter motioned her into heaven.
The thief was next. "How many people died on the ship?" St. Peter asked.
"Gee, that's tought," the man replied.
"But luckily I just saw the movie. The answer is 1500." St. Peter let him throught.
Then St. Peter turned to the lawyer.
"Name them."
The Terrific Truck Driver
A grizzled old man was eating in a truck shop when 3 Hell's Angels bikers walked in. The first walked up to the old man and pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie, and then took a seat at the counter. The second walked up to the old man and spit into the old man's milk, and then he took a seat at the counter. The third walked up to the old man and turned over the old man's plate, and then took a seat at the counter.
Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner. Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress,"Humph, not much of a man, was he?"
The waitress replied,"Not that much of a truck driver either. He just backed his truck over 3 motorcycles."
Two care salesmen were sitting at the bar. One complained to the other,"Boy, business sucks. If I don't sell more cars this month, I'm going to lose my f*cking ass."
Then he noticed a beautiful blonde sitting two stools away. Immediately, he apologized for his bad language.
"That's ok," she said,"If I don't sell more ass this month, I'm going to lose my f*cking car."
"Leprosy"
A guy with leprosy wins tickets to see the world series. But when he gets there, he has trouble finding a seat because pieces of him are peeling and flaking off, and he's very concerned about grossing out the other fans. The leper wanders through the bleachers looking for a seat where his grotesque appearance won't disturb anyone else. Finally he finds an open seat where he might be able to watch the game. He asks the man in the adjoining seat if it would be okay to sit there. The man answers, "Yeah. Just sit down, shut up, and watch the game."
The leper sits down and adds, "As you can see, I have leprosy. If it disturbs you, I will move."
"It doesn't bother me. Just shut up, and watch the game."
A while later, during the fourth inning, the man suddenly vomits. Frothy beer, hot dogs, and peanuts are splattered everywhere.
Seeing this, the leper gets up and says, "Thank you for allowing me to sit next to you, but I can see that my appearance has caused you to get sick. I will find another place to sit."
"It's NOT you. Just sit down, shut up, and watch the game." So the leper sits back down. But during the sixth inning, the man begins to vomit again. This time it is projectile vomitus. A powerful blast of beer and pretzels shoots out from the man's mouth and nose until is stomach is completely emptied.
Seeing this, the leper gets up and says, "Thank you for allowing me to sit next to you, but I can see that my appearance has caused you to get sick. I will find another place to sit."
"Really, it's NOT you. Just sit down, shut up, and watch the game." So the leper sits back down. But during the seventh inning, the man begins to vomit again. This time it is the dry heaves. The leper feels absolutely awful at the sight of this man suffering. And once again, the leper offers to leave.
But the man insists, "Really, it's NOT you."
So the leper asks, "Well if it's not me that is making you so sick, that what is it?"
"It's that guy behind you. He keeps dipping his nachos in your back."
"Out?"
About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave Rome. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jewish community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Jewish community. If the Jew won, the Jews could stay. If the Pope won, the Jews would leave.
The Jews realized that they had no choice. So they picked a middle aged man named Moishe to represent them. Moishe asked for one addition to the debate. To make it more interesting, neither side would be allowed to talk. The Pope agreed. The day of the great debate came.
Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple.
The Pope stood up and said, "I give up. This man is too good. The Jews can stay." An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what had happened.
The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?"
Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe. "What happened?" they asked.
"Well," said Moishe, "First he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here."
"Yes, yes,.. and then???" asked the crowd. "I don't know," said Moishe,"He took out his lunch, and I took out mine."
Wedding Night
On their first night to be together, the newly wed couple go to change. The new bride comes out of the bathroom, all showered and wearing her beautiful robe. The proud husband says, "My dear, we are married now, you can open your robe." The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished.
"Oh, oh,aaaahhh," he exclaims, "My God you are so beautiful, let me take your picture."
Puzzled she asks, "MY picture?" He answers, "yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever."
She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower. He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, "why do you wear a robe? We are married now." at that the man opens his robe and she exclaims,"oh, OH, OH MY, let me get a picture."
He beams and asks, "why?"
She answers, "SO I CAN GET IT ENLARGED!"
Listening Passively
There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet.
After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, "Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?" The third fellow says, "I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees."
The first two guys were amazed. "Wow! What happened then?" they asked.
The third man took a healthy swallow of his beer, sighed and uttered, "She said, "'Get out from under the bed and fight like a man."