COMMITMENTPHOBIA?

The Polar Bear Does a "Dr. Laura".

Originally appeared on AOL, Monday, March 2, 1998

Oh boy! Here we go again...

Help! The love of my life is a commitmentphobe!

She knows the problem, so she supposes ...

I finally found the man of my dreams.

My yellow flag just went up, what pop-psych would call "delusional" thinking, actually not thinking at all.

Oh dear. Was she impressed, easily?

For the first four months, he courted me strongly; calling several times a day, everyday, doing sweet little things to impress me, coming to see me every chance he got.

Now, here it comes ...

There were three big problems:

Oh, so he wasn't "free" in the first place, he's a cheater. Or maybe she thinks she has some "right" to this guy even though he has been living with someone else for 3 and a half years?

2) I was still living with my boyfriend of 2 years, and

Oh boy! She wasn't "free" either! And that pesky boyfriend she was living with for 2 years doesn't matter either because he isn't "the man of her dreams".

3) He had herpes.

And after 1 and 2 this is a problem?

Nonetheless, he pursued me like crazy until I feel in love with him.

Some grip she has on her life! LOL

He even went so far as to break up with his girlfriend, then turned and asked me to break up with mine.

Yeah that sounds simple. .... .

Eventually, I did.

...when she finally "felt like it" or was "in the mood".

Just as soon as that took place, he started backing away.

And why not? Now it's "down and dirty", time to get real. Neither of these people are very real, they deserve each other, lol.

Started acting strange, talking like I'd never heard him before.

Of course, the "C" just fell off his charm like I've been saying happens with a lot of men!

Suddenly, Don Juan had turned into a sniveling, whining idiot, who, after all his reckless pursuit, wasn't sure if he wanted to be in a relationship.

You said it!

Then, he would change his mind the next day, and stage an elaborate apology, begging me to take him back.

Oh, how I hate this !

This game of push-and-pull went on for 6 months,

...and it sure takes up a lot of time and energy too doesn't it? Of course she probably liked the added drama in her life, most of these types do, lol.

until it became clear that he wanted to take the next step and move in with me.

...and mooch too no doubt, lol

However, rather than just simply ask, he instead played upon my sympathies, carrying all his earthly belongings with him, living out of his pickup truck or crashing on a friend's couch, complaining of how miserable his life was, that he had no place to go.

So you want a man or a boy? You want to be this poor shlunk's mother? He's a loser! Wake up! Slap your face with some cold water! Come to your senses! This is not a man of your dreams! They don't exist!

After his on-again/off-again behavior, I wasn't so sure I wanted him as a roommate so soon.

As a roommate? God Almighty people! If we equate a real partnership with just being roommates, we might as well all go back and stay in high school for the rest of our lives!

I wanted to take things easy and see what might happen first, before I took the plunge. He hated the fact that he could not manipulate me, and began to throw emotional fits of blame, anger, rage - all directed at me.

The C comes off and the "harming" man appears!

I loved him, but I could not stand this anymore.

You were beginning to wake up!

I sat him down one night and told him I thought it was best that we go our separate ways immediately.

GOOD FOR YOU! The story begins to get brighter.

He acted shocked that I could be pushed that far.

Shocked? He's lucky he didn't get worse.

He respected my decision, but I could tell it was killing him.

Oh, he'll live, believe me.

To be honest, those were the hardest words I've ever had to say to another human being.

Oh please, then get used to it, most men aren't worth the time of day.

I've never been forced to ask someone to get out of my life, just to preserve my peace of mind. I swear, I nearly lost it for that guy, and I still have such deep feelings for him.

You'll get over it. Time heals all wounds.

We were like soulmates, but I'll never understand what made him change from my prince charming into a frog so fast.

You were blinded by charm. I'll say it again, the charming man should be avoided at all costs! They have no backbone, no guts, no idea who they really are. If they had any you wouldn't like them anyway since you are obviously such a flake yourself.

The frog was not so appealing....After I asked him to leave, he left town and completely disconnected from all his friends and family without telling them where he was going. No one knows where he has gone.

Good for the both of you. Hopefully he will grow up and get his ____ life together. And don't waste time pining after him either because what you think was love was merely an emotional illusion so common that we have all felt it, usually when we were very young. I bet you're young too, too young to know better.

Sometimes, I want to find him, to try to love him again, because it's obvious that in my heart, I still do.

You may be broken hearted, but it's not him your missing, it's that "being in love" feeling. He is in fact the "frog" you eventually saw.

But I'm so afraid of suffering that pain again, and I know I can't take that. Please help me out with some good advice.

You have just gotten it!

I've tried so hard to just forget him and put my life back together, and I'm doing pretty good, I guess. I don't miss his childish games, but I do miss his touch, our long walks and conversations, and making love to him. I must be a total idiot to keep on loving him, but the feeling just won't go away.

It will, in time. You can take what you learned into the next relationship. It will be better for your experience.

Even if I should try to contact him, I wouldn't know where to start. In my heart, I need to heal. Help....

No, don't do it! If you can take my hard advice to heart, you will grow stronger and be able to be more fully loving when the right person comes along. There are no "like" soulmates either. There may be close friends, ego being courted by good looks, but a real soulmate is someone who knows you and you will know them, it can't be faked. WAIT and while you're waiting, get other things done in your life, improve yourself, build a career, etc. Don't build a real life around any "man of your dreams". This is planet earth and real awake life is not about dreams, it is about solid secure partnership or nothing.

Best of Luck!

The Polar Bear

Don't tell me about your terrible boyfriend.

Originally appeared, Tuesday, April 21, 1998

Edited, Thursday, February 3, 2000

No, that's right please don't.

If you need a therapist there are many who will take your money to sit quietly and listen to you bitch about a poor relationship. Although I personally don't place much stock in therapists, those of you who have weak wills or low self esteem may need one. In fact as far as I'm concerned a person who goes out on the prowl while they are still in a relationship, regardless of the reasons for staying, isn't worth my time either.

I remain,

The Polar Bear