AN INTERVIEW
June 30, 2001
Q: What is your name?
A: David Burton
Q: Do you have a middle name?
A. Yes, it's Paul, after my father.
Q: OK, David Paul Burton, where are you originally from?
A: Northern California, the San Francisco Bay Area.
Q: Aren't you far from home?
A: Nope, home is wherever I am.
Q: No, but don't you ever miss California?
A: I used to, a long time ago. But not anymore. I spent the better part of 32 years there already. Isn't that enough time to spend in one place?
Q: I guess so. Ever thought of returning?
A: To live? No.
Q: Why not?
A: It's changed. Too expensive for what it's become for one thing, but there are other reasons too. Let me say that for much of the time I was growing up there, I felt that I didn't really belong, that I was never really appreciated, that I was out of place. When I returned for a brief visit in 1998, I noticed the changes and didn't like them. California has fallen under a very foolish and harmful management (the power crisis out there, etc.). Most of the people there have bought into the wrong ideas, there's a lot of idealism with attitude that was not part of the place when I was growing up there. And it won't be sustainable either. Under the surface is simmering vast reservoirs of hatred. I really don't want to be anywhere around there when it eventually explodes.
Q: Are you saying there's going to be trouble in California?
A: Oh yes.
Q: What do you mean?
A: Riots and worse.
Q: OK. How old are you?
A: I just turned 50.
Q: When was your birthday?
A: May 21st.
Q: Would that make you a Gemini or a Taurus?
A: It depends on who you ask. I'm actually born on the exact cusp of the two signs, near sunrise, so that makes my rising sign the same as my sun sign, either a double Gemini or a double Taurus.
Q: Mind telling me your moon sign?
A: It's Sagittarius, in the seventh house.
Q: Do you believe in Astrology?
A: Not the way most people do.
Q: What do you mean?
A: Well, to me it's not a pulp tabloid superstition, and it's certainly not a religion. To me, it's a legitimate and very ancient science, which is usually not treated as such. It was and is the precursor of Psychology. Astrology, as it affects us, doesn't have anything to do with the stars, it has to do with the earth. It's too big a subject, but for the purposes of this interview, let's just say that I think Astrology can be fairly predictive of how certain combinations of people are likely to interact.
Q: OK, fine. How tall are you?
A: 5' 10"
Q: What color is your hair?
A: It's white, not blond, white. It always has been. I'm an albino, hence The Polar Bear.
Q: What color are your eyes?
A: Pale blue.
Q: Where would your ideal place be to live?
A: If I didn't have a teenage daughter, in a city. I lived in Manhattan for five years during the 80's and liked it. I'd consider living in Europe if I could find a way to make a living there. In a few years, when my daughter gets older and decides what she's going to do, maybe I'd move to a city or overseas. But for now, I'm pretty happy with where I live.
Q: And, where is that?
A: In the village of Coxsackie, New York. (This picture taken around 1973 shows an approach into downtown Coxsackie. It hasn't changed much in 30 years. The white 3 story building ahead and to the right, across the street, is the headquarters for one of our great village resources; State Telephone, our very own independent phone company, which gives us better service than most other large phone companies can or would.)
Q: Do you live down here?
A: No, I live in a house not far from here, up from the river about 150 feet on what some call "the flats".
Q: When it comes to your house, how do you keep it?
A: I'll be honest. I'm a fairly typical man and it could be better kept than it is. It gets cleaned up when I anticipate company. I plan on doing some fairly extensive remodeling in the near future and that will help make the place easier to keep up.
Q: What kinds of clothes do you wear?
A: I miss the times when I dressed in business suits. I used to like that aspect of corporate life. I feel more comfortable than most people in formal attire. But since I live out in the country now and there's just no need to dress this way, I usually wear comfortable clothes, jeans or shorts and T shirts in summer, more layers in the winter. They tend to be very simple, especially no loud or obvious patterns or colors, pretty conservative.
Q: How would you describe your sense of humor?
A: Genuine dry wit, ironic, with a dash of sarcasm now and then. I can get pretty downright pointed sometimes without getting mad. The absolute boundary between humor and passion can sometimes be surprisingly thin. Stupid ideas annoy me much more than stupid people do. The former deserve to die, the latter often can't help it, so they get much more compassion from me; I usually just don't say anything to them.
Q: Do you go to parties?
A: I haven't really been to a genuine party since I was married and we were living in Manhattan, but if I went to a party, I'd probably act about the same as I always did.
Q: Which is how?
A: Well, I liked to rove around and try and meet people, engage some in conversation, do a lot of listening.
Q: You mean eavesdropping?
A: Of course.
Q: What did you hear?
A: Oh, I was able to gather opinions, reactions to current events, sometimes helpful information about this or that, sometimes the blathering of some really idiotic idea, which if I managed to keep my head, I wouldn't bother countering. After a party, my late wife, who usually did the same thing I did if we went to the same party, would usually get with me afterward and we would compare our notes. I miss that somewhat.
Q: Do you enjoy parties?
A: Yes, I like parties, but it depends on the people who are there, if they open up and really talk.
Q: LOL. So you can listen?
A: LOL. Of course.
Q: What other things did you like to do at a party?
A: Well, unless it was completely unplayable, if there was a piano there, I'd usually play something.
Q: Like what?
A: Oh, I'd improvise on some jazz standard, maybe some blues, even some classical pieces.
Q: OK, something else. What would you do with free time on a day off?
A: Oh, these days, I might work on the computer, add a page or two to my website, etc. But usually I'd play the piano, more than I usually do, which is at least once a day for at least an hour when I'm home.
Q: Do you watch television?
A: Very rarely. I'm in an odd situation where I actually have more TV than I can ever watch and find most of it totally boring. My favorite channel is the weather channel. I love watching those Doppler radar images. Mostly I just keep it turned off. My daughter is the one who watches TV, not me.
Q: How about movies?
A: I have a VCR and a collection of movies, a lot of them old classics from the time my late wife was still alive and collecting them. I don't usually see many of them now.
Q: What are your favorites?
A: Amadeus, Young Frankenstein and believe it or not, DUNE, were three that got a lot of play. They were as much my late wife's favorites as they ever were mine. These days if I watch anything on my VCR it will be something related to classical music; the Art of Piano, 32 Short Films About Glenn Gould, etc.
Q: I see. What can you tell me about your current work?
A: Well it's sort of a special situation. I'm gone a few days every other week or so. The work is mostly clerical, usually computer intensive. I've been involved in a number of interesting research projects and other things over the past six years or so having to do with alternative healthcare, geopolitical issues and anything else that was required of me.
Q: Do you like it?
A: It's ok, but it's not a real job. I'd much rather be doing the same work closer to home.
Q: So do you think you might be changing jobs soon?
A: I might be, yes.
Q: How about religion? Do you consider yourself religious?
A: The only thing I do religiously is play the piano. I consider myself a spiritual person, indeed I believe that we are all spiritual beings, it's just that most of us don't know it yet.
Q: OK, but do you have a religious background?
A: Yes, I'm a Christian. I've been a Baptist, a Methodist and a Lutheran. I've attended Presbyterian and Episcopalian services and enjoyed them. I have a genuinely ecumenical attitude about religion. But since 1986, I've been a Catholic. Some people think that just because my late wife was raised Catholic, that I converted. But the truth is that when I first met her, I would have said that her religion of practice was Hinduism, and that all I did was become Catholic myself and pull her back into the Church with me.
Q: So are you a practicing Catholic?
A: Not really.
Q: What do you mean?
A: Well, I don't attend mass as much as I could or even should. I do believe in much that the Catholic Church teaches, and have tremendous respect for it, but I guess I'd prefer to say I was more of "a person of faith" than a "churchy" person. Local churches, say what you will, are often little more than social clubs. I guess I just haven't felt very comfortable in my local branch of the universal social club. My favorite places to attend mass are in big city churches where people are often anonymous. The experience is a lot better for me when I'm there participating anonymously. Then it becomes very personal and focused.
Q: So then, as a Catholic, are you a pro lifer?
A: Well, I'd prefer answering by relating a story that goes back many years. I used to be a thorough-going pro choicer when I was in my 20's. I was dating a woman back then, who had been married twice already, who finally told me that she'd had FIVE abortions. My head told me there was nothing wrong with this, but I excused myself from the table, went to the bathroom and promptly lost my dinner. When I returned, I didn't confront her about it, but that was our last date. I guess the answer is that I recognize that there will always be situations that require an abortion and for that reason it must remain a legal operation, but I personally regard it as an unfortunate and shameful thing to have to do. It's really unfortunate that this has become such a divisive political issue because it really is a matter that's very personal and it probably should remain that way.
Q: So do you mind me asking you about a few other things?
A: Not at all.
Q: OK, how about divorce? The Catholic Church doesn't accept it.
A: Yes, I know. Well, again, in optimum terms, neither do I. But the facts are that most people just happen to get married to people they have no business being married to in the first place. So divorce is inevitable.
Q: We'll return to this later. But first, how about your politics?
A: I've probably gone through more changes in this area of my life than any other. When I was young, my politics was very liberal. In some ways it still is, but I deeply mistrust the people who call themselves liberal these days, especially the most recent crop of politicians and the Hollywood celebs who like to brown nose them. When I was young, it was easy to be against political conservatives. They were old-fashioned, narrow minded and bigoted. Some still are. But some have become my heroes simply because it turns out that their politics wasn't so much conservative as that they believed in individual freedom, which ironically enough seems far more liberal to me than does the outlook of most political liberals.
Q: So are you a libertarian?
A: No, not exactly. Libertarians don't recognize the need to preserve the boundaries of American society as I do, although I do agree with them on a number of issues.
Q: Such as?
A: Drugs, free trade, rugged individualism, limited government, although even there I think they would go too far.
Q: So who's a liberal politician in your book? Al Gore? Hillary Clinton?
A: Neither of them.
Q: Really? So who would your idea of a liberal politician be?
A: There aren't any real liberals left, just phony ones. The last real liberal was either JFK or his brother Robert. You know what happened to them.
Q: And so you think that the same would happen to any real liberal politician should they arise today?
A: It's very likely. But as long as they stay out of real power nothing will happen to them. Jesse Ventura, for all I know, might be a real liberal, but we're not going to see him jump on a national platform anytime soon. Maybe JFK Jr. would have been a real liberal too. But we'll never know now will we?
Q: OK. So how about your idea of a conservative politician?
A: Oh either Barry Goldwater or Ronard Reagan would do.
Q: How about Richard Nixon or George Bush?
A: Neither Nixon, or either of the Bush's, are real conservatives. All they are is slightly better administrators than their competitors, little more.
Q: So do you like the current president?
A: Compared to Mr. Gore? Yes, but not by much.
Q: What's your take on the validity of the election? I notice you didn't comment on it here on your website.
A: I was busy with other matters at the time. The whole campaign was beginning to bore the hell out of me anyway. But whether the election was any more rigged than usual is irrelevant; the best man of the two won, thank God.
Q: Or was made to appear to win?
A: Yeah, exactly.
Q: You really think Bush was that much better than Gore?
A: Yeah. Look it was a standoff between a pampered fool who didn't have much trouble (apparently) covering his own corruption vs. a stand-up liar (just as big a fool too, because he thought he could get away with it the way his boss had for eight years) with so little scruple that he'd sell his grandmother to get political mileage. It was real close, but I'm certainly glad that we didn't end up with more Gore.
Q: So what of the Democrat's complaints?
A: They're mostly bogus. The biggest irony of all concerns who the Democrat Party supposedly represents in this country. They aren't the party of the little guy that's for sure. There are far more little guys in the Republican party these days.
Q: So who do the Democrats represent in your opinion?
A: Everything that's big or has a lot of people dependent on it, especially big government, big labor, big media, big education, big society, big culture and especially big law firms. If you call yourself a liberal, you can do anything you please as long as you get their permission first AND PAY FOR IT. If you don't get their permission and pay them for it, then you are mowed down in one way or another. Both parties represent the power forces in this society, but the Democrats are real fascists in that they care what you believe and want your mind as well as your heart and your pocketbook. The Republicans have never operated this way. They never had to. Everyone knew that they were; the goody goody crowd or the rich and the greedy. If you were a member of these groups, or wanted to be, you knew who you were.
Q: So who do you vote for and why?
A: I'll vote for a Democrat if I'm convinced the candidate really has the brains and talent, and independence, to do something worthwhile, otherwise I'll vote for a Republican as the lesser of two evils. My political views lean more toward the conservative these days, mostly because I resent government intrusion into private enterprise, not because I'm against abortion and think that a conservative would do something to stop it. Believe it or not, not even an avowed conservative these days is going to vote to overthrow Row vs. Wade no matter what any shrill liberal says. Abortion will never be made illegal in this country, never.
Q: Are there any other issues on which you'd side with the liberals?
A: Many actually; civil rights, equal opportunity (though not affirmative action) and welfare.
Q: Welfare?
A: Yes, of course.
Q: OK, why?
A: Well, for the most obvious reason: some people will never be able to contribute to this society. They aren't smart enough or they lack other skills that in most cases they can't or wont ever learn. Some people are functionally illiterate and that's how they'll stay, despite any efforts to teach them to read and write. It is compassionate for a society such as ours to give these people something. Certainly they will never gain the most that our society has to offer, nor should they, but they will be helping society anyway, as consumers. Most people don't know or think so, but frankly having plenty of consumers is very important to a strong economy. So, if they can't do anything else, at least the people on welfare will act as consumers. Welfare has other stabilizing benefits to society as well.
Q: I see. So you do spend a lot of time talking about or thinking about politics?
A: Probably more than most people, but I'm probably a whole lot less partisan about any of it.
Q: Why is that?
A: Because politics is an inherently crooked business. Neither side really deserves much more respect than casual lip service. It's kind of a game. The more they seem different, the more the same they actually are.
Q: You mean that you don't think a politician can ever be honest?
A: Not 100% of the time, no. Most can barely be honest 10% of the time. I don't happen to believe that even "Honest Abe" Lincoln was completely honest. Certainly George Washington wasn't.
Q: So why then do you spend so much time with stuff you so clearly despise?
A: I don't despise it. I find it interesting. Politics shows up the human follies better than most areas of life and what they do certainly affects a lot of people.
Q: Maybe we'll get back to that some more, but let's talk about money for a minute. How do you deal with money?
A: Well, for one thing I don't ignore it as some people do. My late wife used to say that money didn't matter, something I got her to stop saying after a while. It's a euphemism. Of course money matters. But so do other things.
Q: We'll get around to those things later, but for now, we're on the subject of money, your money. What do you do with it?
A: I save as much as I can, but I spend it just as often too. There's always more ways to spend it than there ever is money to spend.
Q: How do you save money?
A: I have a few savings accounts, nothing much in them, and a stock portfolio, nothing much in that either. The best way to save money is to put off spending it.
Q: Anything more you'd care to say about money before we leave the topic?
A: Well, just that I remember more the times I had than the money I spent. That sort of puts money in perspective.
Q: OK, how about meetings? If you have an appointment how punctual are you?
A: I hate to be late. It's embarrassing to me. Sometimes it can't be avoided, but I'm usually on time, if not there a bit ahead of time.
Q: For any appointment, including a date?
A: Especially for a date.
Q: I know that your favorite music is classical, but could you be more specific?
A: Well for the past few years or so I've been trying to develop a romantic piano repertoire starting with Chopin. I never used to play Chopin at all. So as time goes on, I'll change my interests. Classical music's range is so vast that I don't think I'll ever exhaust it. I've been though any number of "kicks," some lasting a few months, others lasting years. I've been through a Bach kick, a Beethoven kick, a Mozart kick, a Mahler kick, have always gone back to certain composers' work from time to time, especially Brahms. In the past few years, the music of Elgar and Sibelius have attracted me as has the piano music of Scriabin.
Q: OK, so you occasionally find a composer whose music you want to get to know more. How do you do that?
A: Getting CD's is the most direct approach. If they wrote for the piano, I'll want to get some of their sheet music too and try and play some of it. It's a kind of process of osmosis where a lot of listening results in getting the music into myself so that I can often play it back in my mind, sometimes even prefer doing that.
Q: I see, fascinating. Are there any other kinds of music that you enjoy?
A: Well, frankly not nearly as much as classical music. Nothing else has the emotional range or intellectual depth. But I also really like modern jazz. I find it has a lot in common with classical chamber music which I also really enjoy.
Q: OK, let's talk pets.
A: I have a cat.
Q: Do you like pets?
A: Animals are ok, but they do limit me if I want to or need to travel. I prefer cats to dogs simply because cats take better care of themselves. I'd never want anything but a cat or dog as a pet. Fish don't make any sense to me. Birds make way too much noise. Well dogs do too for that matter. Exotic animals? Why? Am I to be living in a zoo? I don't think so. My eldest daughter, who is grown and doesn't live with me anymore, used to keep mice and even rats as pets. I was sure glad when that phase was over with. Yeah, I like animals, and even have probably above average rapport with them, including horses, which I know how to ride almost instinctively, but I really don't like the idea of placing too much attention or affection on a pet.
Q: OK, I'm going to change the subject. We're going to talk about looks a little and ask you now about some of your personal "turn ons" and "turn offs" ok?
A: Sure.
Q: Let's take long hair, on women, on men.
A: OK, long hair on women is great, almost the longer the better. However, I've known women who made a fetish out of it, when their hair was just long and stringy. If they'd cut it a few times as it grew, they might have had a healthier looking head of hair.
Q: Oh, how do you know?
A: It goes back to a man who used to have a hair salon on Madison Ave. in New York named George Michaels.
Q: OK, how about on men?
A: I'm going to be A LOT less concerned ok? I'm going to notice more on a woman. But on men, you know, I often wonder if my hair is too long. There's something I feel, I'll be honest, it's just a personal thing, about long hair on men, especially those stupid little tails in back, goatees and beards, I'd almost prefer seeing men in military buzz cuts.
Q: WOW, really?
A: Yeah really. Some men have really small chins and if they can grow a beard it helps them look better. But others just grow a beard to look smart and it doesn't make them look any smarter to me. Goatees: my late wife used to say they looked like a man wearing a vagina on his chin. She said they made men look evil or dirty. I've never been able to think of a man with a goatee the same ever since.
Q: LOL. That's outrageous! How about flirting and public displays of affection?
A: Well these days, they can be very dangerous. We live in a litigious society that is all too concerned with supposed sensitivity. Now I realize that there are mashers out there and some poor women have gotten stalked. Frankly these men deserve to be taken aside by a few other men and told to lay off or else. That's what used to happen. Now we have too many hungry lawyers etc. so that sensitivity chases money.
Q: Yeah Ok, but do YOU like it?
A: To be flirted with? Heck yeah. It's always better done by women anyway.
Q: LOL, I guess you're right. How about PDA's?
A: Well, this brings up another story I'll never forget. It was a hot steamy summer evening in New York. I was coming home from work on the A train. My late wife was with me so she remembered it too. Sitting across from us was this young black couple who were really passionately in love. There wasn't any intense groping or anything really lewd going on, just kissing and close touching. But they were REALLY in love with each other. It was almost as if the entire train felt the mood and it was hot pink. Yeah we thought it was just fine that they were that much in love and it showed. God bless them. I hope they are still in love.
Q: How about skinny dipping?
A: Sure, fine. I'm not particularly modest.
Q: Dancing?
A: I like it, especially with the right partner. Years ago, many years ago, I had a great dance partner in California. We never had anything more than a good friendship going on, but she certainly was an inspiring dance partner. I'd like to devote more time to learning more ballroom dance styles, especially the tango. Doesn't everybody?
Q: How about sarcasm?
A: It depends, but usually it's perfectly OK with me.
Q: How about people who are Brianiacs?
A: Are we talking about people who are always out to prove how smart they are? That's a bore. Are we talking about people who are genuinely very smart and just talk that way? That's fine.
Q: Boldness / Assertiveness?
A: Oh yes, that's far better than their opposites. In fact what this world lacks most is the right kind of boldness, especially the kind that walks up to some pompous ass and pulls their pants down in public.
Q: Fanatics?
A: You know what a fanatic is?
Q: No, what?
A: A person who can't change their mind and wont change the subject.
Q: LOL
A: No, I don't particularly enjoy their company, unless they happen to be fanatical about something I'm willing to be fanatical about, usually something to do with classical music, otherwise, yawn....
Q: Erotica?
A: Certain kinds, if it's sophisticated and interesting and not bestial, sure. Lovemaking is an art after all, even a language.
Q: Tattoo(s), Body Piercing(s)?
A: No. I don't like them. I don't have a tattoo and would never get one. I guess they're better than piercings, but not much. Frankly, I can't imagine being in intimate contact with any people who would do these things to themselves.
Q: Thrill Seekers?
A: No. They aren't my kind of preferred company either.
Q: You are now 50 years old. Can you tell me the range of ages you'd prefer in a partner?
A: In many ways, I don't really feel any older than I did when I was 40 and sometimes a lot younger than that. Sometimes I feel a lot better than I did ten years ago. There are many reasons for that. But I have good longevity going on in my family. My parents are both still alive, healthy and in their seventies. I expect they have another ten to fifteen years left in them. I can see myself living strong and healthy into my seventies or even eighties with few problems. I'm in reasonably good health and expect to stay pretty healthy. My late wife was a year older than me and she had numerous medical problems which sooner or later were going to end her life prematurely. I knew this, and I have absolutely no regrets. We had ten good years. But I know I'd be far better off with a woman who might even be much younger than me; between 36 and 46.
Q: Does her location matter to you?
A: Yeah it does. I'd prefer her to live closer to where I live and ultimately to come live with me than vice versa. I like it up here in the Northeast. I like the seasons. The cold doesn't bother me. In fact I like it. The Polar Bear, remember? There's a lot to do that I'd really like doing with an interested partner.
Q: Hair color?
A: They can change it to whatever they want nowadays. I don't really have a strong preference. My late wife was a classic brunette with hazel eyes that had gold flecks in them. I'd be just as interested in a platinum blonde with deep blue eyes. But I have one exception, the classic blue eyed redhead with a fiery temper. It's not the look it's that temper that I don't want or need. In fact bad temper tops my list of the most undesirable traits.
Q: Maybe we can get into some of those personality traits later too. We've already pretty much established that you'd like to find a partner who is smarter than the average, probably has a career of some sort going for her, not bad tempered and not what?
A: Not fat. This BBW business is fine if there's really some guy out there who really likes his main squeeze on the large size, but not me. I don't mind a few extra pounds, but that's a whole lot different from out and out fat.
Q: Yeah, ok. How about size?
A: My late wife was no taller than 5'4". I'd make the range from 5 feet 2 inches To 5 feet 7 inches. Probably the taller end of that range would be better.
Q: Body Type: Slim, Slender, Average?
A: Yeah, just so long as she's not anorexic. I had a girlfriend once who was so thin that I could put my arm all the way around her and touch my chest. She could lie down on a bed, pull some blankets up and you wouldn't know anyone was there. She was anorexic and had other problems too. Please, please, I don't need that.
Q: What if they speak another language?
A: Fine, as long as they speak and understand English perfectly, LOL. We get into cultural backgrounds here a bit and I have an interest in European cultures so it shouldn't be much of a surprise that I have an interest in European women.
Q: Which ethnicity?
A: Race? Caucasian. White.
Q: Which religion?
A: Well it helps to have this in common as much as possible. It seems to be a more fluid thing than ever before but certain things are going to remain the same. Christian, Catholic, Mainline Protestant, not some way off sect, even Spiritual but not particularly religious would be ok. As I've said, and I mean it, my religion is pretty much classical music anyway.
Q: What educational background should she have?
A: I could be wrong because there are a lot of really smart people out there who have made it on their own without a college degree, but not many. If she's one of these, then no problem. Otherwise a bachelors degree should be a bare minimum. I don't care if she's got more advanced degrees than that (my late wife had a master's degree). She could be a doctor of something for all I care. But I don't want a certain kind of woman who is out there in a dither not knowing what to do and expecting me or some other man to figure it out for her. That's what women's liberation was for and it's a good thing.
Q: Any occupational preferences?
A: Not really. But here are a few observations: I've found nurses and other people in the healthcare professions to be pretty nice people. They take care of others as a profession and that's really admirable if you ask me. I've even met a few nice lady doctors. The other group that has always interested me were women in the business professions, whether they worked for a big company or ran their own businesses.
Q: What income should they be earning?
A: This is sort of a touchy subject. Women probably expect a man to earn more than they do, and I tend to think they should too. And it's not as if I'm poor or anything. In fact if the truth be known, I've had to support others who came into my life more often than I have ever been supported in any way by them. Nevertheless she should be earning between $35,000 to $49,999 or more and not be in so much debt that it's ridiculous. I've been there. I got out of debt. It's a lot like deciding to lose weight or quit smoking.
Q: Which brings me to the next question, could she be a smoker?
A: Nope. I was a smoker, never very heavy at it, but I quit and not for any really health conscious reason either. I quit for vanity sake: because it's associated with being a loser. For a while yet, there are going to be public places where it will be tolerated, but it's gradually being phased out. Nope, please don't smoke.
Q: How about that other legal adult substance?
A: Oh, you mean Al K Hall, that notorious home-wrecker? You know there are people, and I've known them, who have compulsive relationships with substances: those who are constantly lighting up or reaching for the nearest glass of this or bottle of that. It's almost as though some people think of themselves as living for the sake of consuming cheap alcohol and cigarettes. Sooner or later this strange notion catches up with them. No, I'm not one of those. I like my glass or two of wine, sometimes even more, or glass or two of beer, sometimes more. But it's not my life. I go for weeks even months without drinking anything. If you already have a relationship with a substance, you certainly don't need one with another person. If you've broken up your a relationship with Al K Hall, that's good, but you'd probably have more in common with another person who has also broken off this relationship than with me, for whom a glass of wine or a beer is just....mere alcohol.
Q: How do you feel about someone's marital status at this point in your life?
A: Good question, and I have some observations.
The first one is that getting married in middle age, after you've raised a family is quite different from getting married when you're young and having a family is among the things most people want to do. Except we live in strange times where people think they can put off what nature wants for them until they're practically past the best time for it and it used to be that rounding 50 was OLD, whereas nowadays it isn't uncommon to hear about men fathering kids when they are in their 50's or even older. I have no doubt that I could do that too. The question is would I or should I? My youngest daughter would probably like for me to. But it's probably not the best thing for me to do.
Now, this dovetails in with the status issue. A woman who has never been married and is in her late thirties or forties might have the desire to make up for lost time, get pregnant before she can't, etc. These would be the least desirable women for me for a number of reasons besides this one. I won't elaborate on it much, except that I tell women all the time to beware of a man who has reached the age of 40 and hasn't managed to get married. Something wrong there. I'm tempted to follow the same caution the other way around. Some people, and I've met them, are better off remaining single for the rest of their lives, especially if they've managed to reach middle age without forming a real attachment. I don't know, it's just that getting married, like it or not, says that someone was willing to take the ultimate risk with another person and even if it's unrewarded, at least it says something important about a person.
The world is full of divorcees. My late wife was a divorcee, twice. I was her third husband, she was my first wife. After we got together it didn't even matter. That's what it's supposed to be like but rarely is. We have the greatest opportunity we've ever had to find really compatible people and we should really try and find them rather than just falling for someone who's convenient. That's what I'm hoping to have happen. It happened like that before. It could have happened like that before that too. It will happen like that again. And she'll probably be a divorcee.
There are even a few of us widowed people around. It happens. People do die. This obviously adds another dimension, not always a good one, to someone's outlook on life. We have personal acquaintance with death at close range. It's not a terrible thing. It's an inevitable thing, for all of us. Our relationships, good or bad, ended naturally, in ways that no religion would be able to impugn. Widowed people have always had more status than mere divorced people. I find this particularly odd. The only difference between a divorce and a death is that the ex-spouse is still around. It's much worse of course when there are children involved as I know from personal experience.
Frankly I wish that the former spouses of divorced people would behave as if they had died and stay away. Yep, pay their child support and stay away. The best ones just do that so at least their ex-wives and kids have another chance at a family. If the guy was any good at all, their kids usually know it and maintain contract. I'm not saying that all ex-spouses are terrible, but enough are that it gives many of us pause. There's so much absolute garbage out there, from people who have more EGO than SENSE, who don't know a fig about it, concerning the importance of maintaining parental relationships after a divorce, that it's an area in which I can easily grow truly bombastically angry. (I have so far made 4 psychiatrists give up psychiatry for regular medical practice and am looking for my next victim. Yeah, psychiatrists are pretty low on my list of people, so I'm not looking to partner with one of these. Psychology is only barely less odious.) I even knew a man years ago who vowed he would never get involved with a single mom since there was always that other man floating around to cause trouble. I'm sorry but I'm with him on that one. You know there are even some of my daughter's peers, whose parents are divorced, who have all but told me they wish I could be their dad. I've been a reasonably good dad to my kids. It comes as no real surprise that some other kids might want me to be their dad. It's something I know how to do and so far it has been the most rewarding thing I've ever done. It's too bad a lot of men miss this one. I think it's because they're afraid of growing up, of taking command, of growing old. Well, if we live, we will all grow old. It sure is better to grow old having experienced being a good parent than not. It's not always easy, but it's never as hard as anyone thinks.
Q: You've mentioned your children, how many are there and how old are they?
A: They're both daughters. One just turned 20 and the other just turned 14.
Q: I guess you've decided you don't want any more children?
A: Well it depends. I could have more children. I know how to raise them. The question is whether this is the best thing for me and for them? I guess it would have to depend on factors I can't see right now.
Q: OK, I'm going to shift gears again. Who is your favorite author?
A: Well, you know I do a lot of reading. Even so, I don't read as much as some people. I keep a log of books I have only read cover to cover, and in better than thirty years I'm amazed at how few pages have been filled in. If I look back at the log certain names come up more often than others, Clive Cussler, for instance. But that means nothing. I read him for sheer escape. I have been tremendously influenced by C. S. Lewis (another Clive, LOL, who his best friends called Jack). I thought Les Miserables by Victor Hugo was perhaps the greatest novel I'd ever read when I finished it. I've read a great number of Dostoyevsky's works too, which I liked, especially one called variously Devils or The Possessed. I've read Ayn Rand too, but though I thought her good, I wouldn't consider her a favorite, she's too much of a misanthrope for me.
Q: Do you read newspapers?
A: No I don't. It may be because they are relatively harder for me to read than a book or magazine, but honestly I can't understand why most of them are still in business. They seem so anachronistic. My favorites would have to be the Wall Street Journal and those really artsy limited edition ones that come out of New York. Those can be fun.
Q: How would you describe your online relationships?
A: Well neither was a "relationship" in the sense that neither went romantic or sexual. One was a nightmare. Another was pleasant enough though I doubt we're even friends now. These things happen. Of course I'd hope NEVER to repeat the former, my own fault in a way, and to avoid the latter. But really we have to keep at it or we'll never know what we're missing.
Q: What do you usually do or talk about with people you are in relationships with?
A: First of all the syntax: "in relationship with." That means "having sexual relations with"? You know, I'll answer the other question too but I want to digress a bit here first.
I put a really old piece on my website that's about having sex before marriage, on which I have an opinion I share with more people who would probably consider themselves liberal rather than conservative; you better try before you buy. Of course this comes with a number of warnings.
1) TRY BEFORE YOU BUY ONLY APPLIES TO THOSE YOU ARE SERIOUSLY INTERESTED IN BUYING. Put another way, I only have sex with those who might become my wife. I may be a young 50, but I've long foresworn the ideal some have of completely free sex with just anyone. Usually people with this outlook, more men than women, are incapable of really loving anyone but themselves anyway. There is a kind of narcissism in sexual promiscuity that I find particularly repulsive. It says that I can have sexual contact with anyone just for the sensation of it and THEY WONT BE THERE. This is a form of thrill seeking that I'm not into. I'm going to be strictly monogamous. I'm looking for a partner, not a one night stand. With that said, even under the best of conditions, one needs to weed out the possible irreconcilable and detrimental problems beforehand or one is in for a life of misery.
2) The other person may be an obsessive, borderline homicidal, control freaking maniac. But aren't you glad you found out now, rather than later, after going through the ceremony, the family, the relatives, the this, the that? Of course you are.
3) The other person may be sexually dysfunctional. This too is something to find out before tying the knot. God, it's great to be old enough to know about these things, isn't it?
4) The other person may be personally repulsive. You know we are all looking for someone who will be able to love us for our selves and who will be able to stand our humanity. At least a third of this is PHYSICAL and we can't always tell what's going to really turn us off until we get very close. But these are things best to find out about before it gets too late.
5) In a few rare instances, a woman didn't begin life as one! I'd sure like to know this one before going very far at all.
As for what to talk about, what a strange question. But maybe not. I'm certain that more relationships go sour simply because they can't talk to each other. This is VERY important folks. We aren't for the most part psychic yet. I'm usually pretty talkative (Gemini), although sometimes I can get moody, not often, and wont feel much like talking (Taurus?). But I like to share my mind with a partner on every level, and expect her to want to do the same, so we're bound to discuss EVERYTHING sooner or later. I also had no secrets from my late wife and she had none from me. We didn't play any of these games. As for places to go, well there are always places to go, drives to take, walking to do, places to eat, music to hear, other people to visit, as well as the usual rounds of shopping. Nobody talks about going out shopping with their significant other, but I know it happens all the time. These days, even going to the grocery store can be a major adventure.
Q: I almost forgot. We started this interview talking a bit about Astrology. What signs would you think most compatible with you and which least?
A: Libra or the right Leo would be the best. Virgo would be trouble and Pisces flat out wouldn't work.
Q: OK, this is going to be my last question. Why are you interested in trying to find someone through the internet?
A: Greater variety, more chances to meet someone who really fits me and I them (soulmates), the opportunity of living right now is with the internet. This is the media of the future.
Q: Thanks for this interview, David. Perhaps we'll have another opportunity for another one some time.
A: Thank-you :-)
