Smart Women

July 22, 2001

One perennial question arises in the consciousness of a serious man who understands that relations with women are bound to be different for him. After all, he's in the upper ten to twenty percent of the human intelligence curve. He expects to make serious contact with a similarly constituted woman some day. Hopefully it will be before he turns thirty. It's a little too late if he has to wait til he's forty-five or older. Curious as to what some women might consider a "smart woman" to be like, the Polar Bear surfed for a while and found Katie who wrote on the subject of smart women. Her comments form what almost amounts to a manifesto on the subject of smart women in their relations with men. It seems important to counter, as far as possible, some of the false and tendentious lines of reasoning in her arguments, as they are no doubt quite widespread. Katie's comments will be in blue, mine in white.

Ever noticed how the real bitch in your circle of friends (she's presumably speaking to women about their circles of friends) always has the guy who knows how to cook, who sends flowers, who remembers anniversaries, who is frequently heard to say, "You're so right, darling"?

None of which matters at all.

A real bitch may often take on a real milk toast of a man who will flatter her with all the sentiment she thinks she wants or needs. Such a man will usually not be either intellectually or emotionally smart, just willing to take orders or a subservient position from a strong woman.

Another myth that passes unquestioned is that smart women are strong women. This is almost never the case. A strong woman, who may be looked upon as "difficult," not strong, by most people whether they be men or women, is almost always similarly characterized as too inflexible to know the best course of action to take in a difficult situation; that is, not very bright.

A real intelligent woman is beyond all this. She is looking for the genuine show of affection, personal affinity, from her mate and the more personal, unexpected and spontaneous, the better. A woman, smart or not, may or may not be interested in a man who knows how to cook. Frankly, smarter women are probably less interested in food in general than duller women. Flowers are nice, but when they, or anything else are merely "expected," just how valuable are they?

And I'm sorry, but I don't especially favor living my life around anyone's calendar of special days. For instance, my birthday isn't special just because it's a particular day. Special days are ones that are made, not that appear automatically on a calendar. I've never been able to understand this. One year, just for the hell of it, I sent my mother a Mother's Day card. I never send my mother Mother's Day cards. It's not that I don't love my mother, it's that I regard the majority of these special days as commercial intrusions into our lives, invented with the sole aim of selling things and coincidentally to add to our personal guilt if we "forget" to recognize them. The next time I visited my mother, I saw that my once and solitary Mother's Day card had been framed and hung on the wall. I laughed and told her to take it down. Yes, I value a card that I got once from my future wife, now deceased. It was unexpected, very personal and what it said was so deep and enduring that I still cry a little whenever I take it out to see it. But Katie continues...

What's wrong with this picture? She's not even nice. Exactly. She's smart. Smart women get the nice guys because they don't lower their standards for men-or anyone else for that matter.

What's wrong with this picture? It's incorrect. Smart women frequently lower their standards simply because they, like the less smart of their gender, have other agendas. Some smart women are forced to lower their standards because they simply cannot find their match. If they have to settle for a lower standard man, they might not so easily settle for other substandard things in life; a career, a house, a car, nice clothes, travel, etc.

Smart women take the attitude that if this is the best you can do, they'll just go to the dance without an escort, the movie without a date, and the rest of their lives without the true companion constantly celebrated on FM radio. A smart woman has figured out that her biological clock is not really ticking that loud, that her grandmother was still fertile well into her fifties, and, anyway, if she had wanted a rug rat, she would have had one by now.

Yes, a lot of smart women remain single for most of their lives. But part of the agenda is revealed here; having children, not "rug rats," even in fun this is a derisive term that devalues children, hence devalues people. The agenda is not of her own making: it comes with being female. This contradiction is a constant problem for most women. If they haven't had the opportunity to bear a child they end up feeling cheated. If they haven't or can't, some try and figure out ways of raising someone else's child. It is something that more women should talk openly about and think seriously about rather than being led around by an un-chosen biological agenda.

Smart women have also worked out that all the media hype about not finding a husband when you're growing older is bullshit promulgated by male-owned media machines to make women desperate and compliant.

There's probably some truth in this, but part of a woman's agenda may be precisely that she wants to be able to feel at least secure and is willing to be compliant under trustworthy circumstances. Otherwise, who can say what the media intends. Only those who are believed to live and act way above our heads know for sure.

This is so that men will always have their pick of scared women to choose from and that they won't have to work any harder at being decent.

Since I have seen scores of smart women with utterly indecent sorts of men, I can only conclude that there is some other chemistry involved. Smart men, just as smart women, fall into a wide spectrum from the invariably decent to the ceaselessly crude and one standard cannot be so easily correlated with the other; not all smart people are decent either.

Smart women have learned that the important question is not "Will I ever get married?" but "Why on earth would I want to get married?" Smart women know that you can ALWAYS settle for less than what you really want.

And they frequently do, as I have already said...

You can always get serious with a guy you're not really in love with or one who doesn't treat you exactly right. So there's no point in making any compromises today, or tomorrow either for that matter. There's always going to be time to do the wrong thing.

Certainly, but putting off marriage indefinitely, whether one is male or female, says something about the strength of character of the individual person. Marriage like business is a risk, a risk that mature people have been and are still willing to make to reap the benefits of being either married or in business, and the two are very closely related. The problem is that someone decided that marriages should be trouble free and all businesses should succeed. In the effort to reduce pain, a great deal of stupendous unreality has been created in the popular mind.

Smart women aren't lonely enough. They've noticed you get a lot done when you're on your own.

Smart men have concluded the same.

Smart women have often drawn the conclusion that sugar daddies aren't worth it. If you allow someone to buy you, he's going to think he owns you. (Imagine that.)

Sure sugar daddies are worth it, up to a point. Smart women know this and so do the sugar daddies.

Smart women know it's a hell of a lot easier to figure out what you're good at and make your own money than it is to entertain some tyrant.

Speak for yourself! It's very easy to entertain a tyrant whether they're a man or a woman, as long as they're not brutal or crazy, if by a tyrant we refer to someone who is capable of commanding a lot of resources. It's much harder to strike out on your own and make your own way and money on your own. Most of us can't, and the few that can often fail, which is why fewer do.

This frees you up to see a nice guy, whether he has money or not.

All smart people know the value of money in the scheme of things and are reasonable about their demands for using it. Matter of fact that's one way I know someone is smart, that they have a sensible valuation of money; it isn't unimportant.

Smart women do not feel the psychological need to be dominated by their men. Smart women like to feel powerful themselves, and appreciate men who can handle that.

This is probably more like what it feels like to have a natural relationship than what is actually going on.

Smart women have adopted a firm line with men that can best be summarized: "treat me right or take a picture of me."

?

I have an architect friend who has an even better line. Whether it's a design not worth building or a relationship not worth any more investment, she growls, "NEXT!"

More smart men have ALWAYS had this one, no matter how it's expressed. Usually a smart man who realizes that a relationship isn't worth it to him just pulls away.

Smart women are over men who fear commitment, who can't control their hormonal urges, who grunt instead of making conversation, who aren't reasonably punctual, who won't spring for an occasional evening out on the town, who don't listen, who don't know how to be supportive of their smart women's dreams.

The laundry list:

A man who will concentrate all his extra-career attention on her.

A man who isn't capable of being drawn away by other women, or these days other men.

A man who is articulate of speech and sophisticated of manner.

A man who is on time for all appointments with her and lives by her calendar of special days.

A man who will spend his money on an occasional night out doing something she wants to do with him.

A man who will listen, AND NOT TRY AND SOLVE HER PROBLEM, just listen to her talk about something that's in the largest and best scheme of things, either emotionally unimportant, uninteresting, insipid or just plain downright boring.

A man who will be supportive of her desires to do something in the world.

Smart women know that being a jerk doesn't make a guy exciting.

If a "smart" woman is a "successful" woman, and I would tend to equate the two, then how come many of them have relationships with men who are either such obvious jerks that everyone knows it, or with men who are vastly their inferiors?

Smart women are excited by men who call everyday without being pushy, who do what they say they're going to do, who know how to say "I love you" and, more importantly, how to act out that love in 100 ways that prove it.

Another list:

A man who calls every day may have too much time on his hands and therefore isn't very smart. Even if he's got a regular job, calling her up every day might get him fired. A man usually calls a woman at night and only after giving some thought to his intentions with her. If he lives with her, he expects to see her sometime while he's at home.

A man who does what he says he's going to do is just fine. Men usually regard other men who don't do what they say they'll do sooner or later as flakes. More women should assume the same line of reasoning. By the way, it works both ways; men who encounter women who are likewise a little too unsure of themselves about what they will do, usually get dumped.

A man who has no trouble saying "I love you" when it is expected, usually really do love you. Those that don't, really don't. What do you want, someone to say these words without really meaning it? I don't think so.

A man who really loves you will do things for you. Some will be important things too, not obvious. But the vast majority of men, regardless of how smart they are, are not clairvoyant: they must be asked to do these things for you and in a respectful and loving tone of voice and manner, not in a nagging, resentful, hurt or menacing tone that adds extra weight to the effort of doing things which are often completely reasonable and well within the capacities of most men.

In other words, smart women are no longer attracted to the bad boys.

Want to make a bet?

They've been out with all the bad boys. Yawn. Been there, etc. Now they cultivate the bad boy in the nice boys they go out with, which is something COMPLETELY different. Take it from a grateful, recovering nice woman: smart is better.

Submitted by: Katie

And this says it all! Thanks, Katie. The appeal of the "bad boy" in all men to women is far beyond the scope of this piece but the Polar Bear has commented on it elsewhere and will return to the theme in future.

Be Seeing You....

THE POLAR BEAR