Amazing
New Discovery II !
Dateline: 1st September
2000
Not to be
outdone by the recent
revelations of the Evangelical, Creationist,
Charismatic Christian Scientists from North America, this
week the British have forged a cutting-edge breakthrough
in Biblical discovery themselves. The 'Scribes of the
Church of England Biblical Research and Saturday Morning
Coffee and Biscuit Fellowship' have uncovered another God-given
commandment that they fear not all English Protestants
have adhered to. Their research has provided conclusive
proof that God Himself commands universal male
circumcision. Further research revealed that the 'soul
shall be cut off' the uncircumcised, in other words; God
Himself has ordained the death penalty for anyone who has
not had 'the chop'. Click here for the new-found
Biblical details.
At a recent
press conference outside the quaint 12th century St Gary's
Cathedral, the Very Reverend Michael Hunt, Archbishop of
Ipswich explained: "We are grateful to the
Fellowship for their discovery. Of course, our church has
known for centuries that Judaism requires circumcision as
a part of it's faith, but we just couldn't figure out why.
And blow me, it was there in the Christian Bible all
along! Who would have thought that? Anyway, we are going
to provide all our clergy with a Do-It-Yourself
Protestant Circumcision Kit and let them get on with it.
All our male parishoners will be invited to perform their
own surgery after evensong on Sundays. Of course we will
not require that babies and small boys perform their own
circumcisions. That would be daft! Nevertheless, we are
currently in negotiations with the Catholic Church who
have indicated that they are more than willing to provide
special squads of recently retired priests with pagers on
twenty-four hour call-out, who even at this early stage
seem most eager to give the little lambs a helping hand.
And on an expenses only basis too, which is nice. I can
show you one of the pagers if you like - look, it's got
buttons on it."
The Church of
England "DIY Protestant Circumcision Kit".
Archbishop
Hunt then went on to say: "Who knows, we may end up
with a hill of foreskins - just like in the Bible! Wouldn't
that be brilliant! At this point we are not too sure that
the penalty for an intact prepuce should be death, we
feel that the decision and subsequent action to strike
down a non-circumcised parishioner should really be taken
by God Himself. We are quite confident that very few of
our flock will be struck down by Our Lord for non-compliance,
and there is a one-hundred precent concensus by the
Atheist clergy within our church that no transgressors
will be struck down at all. Oh, by the way, call me Mike.
Er, could you hand me that shovel please? Thanks."
"A
hill of foreskins - just like in the Bible!"
"And
Joshua made him sharp knives, and circumcised the children of
Israel at the hill of the foreskins" - Joshua 5:3
"Then
Zipporah took a sharp stone, and cut off the foreskin of her son..."
- Exodus 4:25
"Circumcise
therefore the foreskin of your heart, and be no more stiffnecked."
- Deuteronomy 10:16
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© 2000 Martin J Burn - The English Atheist