My Favourite Quotes

(Or: My favorite quotes - trawled from all over the place.)

"You may say I'm a dreamer,
but I'm not the only one,
I hope some day you'll join us,
And the world will live as one."

- John Lennon - Imagine.

"And I will execute vengeance in anger and fury upon the heathen, such as they have not heard." - God (Micah 5:15)

"From the first moment I looked into that horror on September 11th, into that fireball, into that explosion of horror, I knew it, I recognized an old companion. I recognized religion." - Monsignor Lorenzo Albacete, professor of theology at St. Joseph's Seminary in New York.

"Religion drove those planes into those buildings, it's amazing how good religion is at mobilizing people to do awful, murderous things. There is this dark side to it, and anyone who loves religious experience, including me, better begin to own that there is a serious shadow side to this thing." - Rabbi Brad Hirschfeld.

"After September 11, the face of God was a blank slate for me. God could not be counted on in the way I thought God could be counted on." - Rev. Joseph Griesedieck, Episcopal priest.

"It's been a fabulous year for Laura and me." - George W. Bush, December 2001, three months after the World Trade Center attacks.

"I'm proud of my daughter." - Terrie England - mother of Pfc Lynndie England, Iraqi prisoner torturer. (Heard on TV news, 7th May 2004.)

"Religion is the most malevolent of all mind viruses." - Arthur C. Clarke. (18th February 2004, The Onion AV Club interview.)

"Religion has done more to bust-up humanity than anything." - Whoopi Goldberg, on the Graham Norton NY Show Channel 4, 20th Feb 2004.

"Men never do evil so completely and cheerfully than when they do it from religious conviction." - Blaise Pascal (1623-1662)

"Truly he is the Son of God." - John Wayne

"Compared to August, the month of September is likely to be relatively a lot less stressful for most of the world, especially from natural and man-made accidents, terrorism, and violence standpoints. Also, after the first week of September, expect some relief to the volatile region of Israel and Palestine." - Prediction for September 2001 on astroinsight.com - a member of the professional astrology webring.

"Richard's cancer will go into remission; the third Potter film wins him industry-wide applause." - From "Stargazing" (a column written by Anthony Carr and Tony Brenna in the Toronto Sunday Sun) on October 27, 2002 - two days after Richard Harris died of cancer. Anthony Carr proclaims himself as "The World's Most Documented Psychic."

"A man can have sex with animals such as sheep, cows, camels and so on. However he should kill the animal after he has his orgasm. He should not sell the meat to the people in his own village, however selling the meat to the next door village should be fine." - Ayatollah Khomeini - 'Tahrirolvasyleh', fourth volume, Darol Elm, Gom, Iran, 1990.

"The church lives on the fact that modern research about Jesus is not known amongst the public." - Hans Konzelmann

"The deliverance of the saints must take place some time before 1914." - Charles Taze Russell, American religious leader
and founder of Jehovah's Witnesses, Studies in
the Scripture, Volume 3, 1910 edition

"The deliverance of the saints must take place some time after 1914." - Charles Taze Russell, American religious leader
and founder of Jehovah's Witnesses, Studies in
the Scripture, Volume 3, 1923 edition

"If you're not a born-again Christian, you're a failure as a human being." - Jerry Falwell

"A conjuring trick with bones." - Rt Reverend David Jenkins, former Bishop of Durham, England. (Speaking in 1980 on the biblical account of the resurrection.)

"If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull." - W.C Fields

"There is no god." - Penn, and "He's right." - Teller - on an autograph done for Donny and Marie Osmond (during their 1998 appearance on the Osmond's syndicated talkshow).

"The world holds two classes of men - intelligent men without religion, and religious men without intelligence." - Abu'l-Ala-Al-Ma'arri (973-1057) Syrian poet.

"Away with these Atheists!" - Colosseum crowd chant, ancient Rome, prior to throwing Christians to the lions.

"God's second name is not 'DAMMIT'." - From a poster - in my local chip shop! (Aww, they took it down after refurbishments. 21-11-00. They still do nice chips though. MJB)

"I don't see any god up here." - Yuri Alekseyevich Gagarin (the first man in space), speaking from orbit, 1961.

"...religious belief has been a massively negative force in human history, causing great suffering and conflict, and standing deliberately in the way of most of mankind's efforts at progress, freedom and flourishing." - A C Grayling - 21st century English philosopher. (From an interview on Amazon.co.uk)

"A man can have sexual pleasure from a child as young as a baby. However he should not penetrate, sodomising the child is OK. If the man penetrates and damages the child then he should be responsible for her subsistence all her  life. This girl, however does not count as one of his four permanent wives." - Ayatollah Khomeini - 'Tahrirolvasyleh', fourth volume, Darol Elm, Gom, Iran, 1990.

"One of the most frightening things in the Western world, and in this country in particular, is the number of people who believe in things that are scientifically false. If someone tells me that the earth is less than 10,000 years old, in my opinion he should see a psychiatrist." - Francis Crick

"Faith is a wondrous thing; it is not only capable of moving mountains, but also of making you believe that a herring is a race horse." - Arthur Koestler.

"Walk with those seeking Truth. Run from those who think they've found it." - Deepak Chopra

"Dear Lord, the gods have been good to me. As an offering, I present these milk and cookies. If you wish me to eat them instead, please give me no sign whatsoever.

(...short pause...)

Thy bidding will be done. {(Munch munch munch.)}" - Homer Simpson

Christian: One who believes that the New Testament is a divinely inspired book admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbor. - Ambrose Bierce - The Devil's Dictionary.

"You teach a child to read, and he or her will be able to pass a literacy test.'' - George W. Bush, Feb. 21, 2001

"For centuries the human mind has been fettered by the priestly chain." - The Rationalist's Manual.

"May God bless her, and all who sail in her" - Florence Ismay, at the launching of the Titanic

"The bloodiest, most brutal wars fought, all based on religious hatred. Which is fine with me! Any time a bunch of holy people want to go out and kill each other I'm a happy guy!" - George Carlin

"The theistic idea of God is not only in this day and age unbelievable, it is immoral." - Bishop John Shelby Spong, Christ Episcopal Church, Maryland Parkway, Las Vegas, September 3, 2003.

   "Religion is an insult to human dignity.  With or without it, you'd have good people doing good things and evil people doing bad things, but for good people to do bad things, it takes religion." Steven Weinberg - Nobel Laureate

"I take Him shopping with me. I say, 'OK, Jesus, help me find a bargain'" - Tammy Faye Bakker

Trust in Allah, but keep a tight leash on your camel. - Iraqi proverb.

"And the Son of God died; it is by all means to be believed, because it is absurd. And he was buried and rose again; the fact is certain because it is impossible." - Tertullian (150-225CE)

"I AM JESUS CHRIST!" - Aaron Mitchell, convicted murderer, awaiting death by gassing at San Quentin prison, 1967.

"What one believes and what one can demonstrate historically are usually two different things." - Robert J. Miller - Bible scholar

"I have examined all of the known superstitions of the world and I do not find in our superstitions of Christianity one redeeming feature. They are all founded on fables and mythology. Christianity has made one half the world fools and the other half hypocrites." - Thomas Jefferson (1743-1826)

"Anyone who has two shirts when someone has none is not a christian." - Lenny Bruce

"In Glasgow an atheist is someone who goes to a Celtic v Rangers match to enjoy the football." - Ian Proud, in the Times Question and Answer column, June 2003.

"If the bible had said that Jonah swallowed the whale, I would believe it." - William Jennings Bryan

"Faith is the answer to the future." - Tony Blair - July 2000

"If you believe in the existence of fairies at the bottom of the garden you are deemed fit for the bin. If you believe in parthenogenesis, ascension, transubstantiation and all the rest of it you are deemed fit to govern the country." - Jonathan Meades

"This is God's garden." Willian Hague (Ex-British Parliamentary opposition leader) - on the Yorkshire Dales - December 2000

"Allah's curse is on the unbelievers." - The Koran

"...the most religious Prime Minister since Gladstone" - Lord Longford - on Tony Blair

"There is no hell. There is only... FRANCE!!!" - Frank Zappa

"The Lord vomited people like Ben out of his mouth to hell." - The Reverend Scott Mansfield of Chama, New Mexico, at the June 2003 funeral of his Catholic parishoner, Ben Martinez.

"Progress and conduct: I'm afraid that I am severly dissapointed in God's works.  All three of him have shown no tendency to improve and He merely sits at the back of the class talking to himselves.  He has shown no interest in rugger, asked to be excused prayers, and moves in a mysterious way." - Ferndean School Report on God - The brand new Monty Python Book.

"An upstart astrologer...This fool wishes to reverse the entire science of astronomy; but sacred Scripture tells us that Joshua commanded the sun to stand still, and not the earth." - Martin Luther on Copernicus

"Make your cheques payable to 'Benny Hinn Ministaries'..." - Benny Hinn

"God is great!" - Public gallery crowd chant when Amina Lawal Kurami was sentenced to death by stoning at her 2002 trial in Funtuas, Katsina state, Nigeria, by an Islamic Sharia court.

"Life's a glitch - then you die." - Tree-house of Horror X - The Simpsons.

"Carl did not want to believe. He wanted to know." - Ann Druyan (Carl Sagan's widow)

October 10, 1895, when Professor Bonney, F.R.S., Canon of Manchester, read a paper in which he said: "I cannot deny that the increase of scientific knowledge has deprived parts of the earlier books of the Bible of the historical value which was generally attributed to them by our forefathers. The story of Creation in the Book of Genesis, unless we play fast and loose either with words or with science, cannot be brought into harmony with what we have learnt from geology. Its ethnological statements are imperfect, if not sometimes inaccurate. The stories of the Fall, of the Flood, and of the Tower of Babel, are incredible in their present form. Some historical element may underlie many of the traditions in the first eleven chapters in that book, but this we cannot hope to recover."

"Religion deserves no more respect than a pile of garbage." - H. L. Mencken

From IRC #atheist:

<Saca> actually, I've never been *hit on* by an atheist. (Maybe they're just more subtle?) But several christians *from this channel* have asked me in message, after finding out they can't win my soul, how big are my breasts?

"The time appears to me to have come when it is the duty of all to make their dissent from religion known." - John Stuart Mill

"All things foul and ugly, All creatures short and squat. Putrid, foul and gangrenous, the Lord God made the lot." - Monty Python

"One man's religion is another mans' belly laugh." - Isaac Asimov

"Once I was stoned." - Paul - Corinthians 11:25

"Once the word of Islam was spread by the sword -- today we are going to spread the word with Kalishnikovs." - Sheikh Abdullah el-Faisal, London-based Muslim cleric.

"It is wonderful to kill a non-believer." - ditto

" " - Harpo Marx

"Writing science fiction for about a penny a word is no way to make a living, If you really want to make a million, the quickest way is to start your own religion." - L. Ron Hubbard

When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, "Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe?" - Quentin Crisp

"I read about an Eskimo hunter who asked the local missionary priest, 'If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?' 'No,' said the priest, 'not if you did not know.' 'Then why,' asked the Eskimo earnestly, 'did you tell me?' "Annie Dillard, Pilgrim at Tinker Creek, 1974

"Beware of the voices." - British TV advert.

"I went to Yale, and I didn't even know they had a library. I was there seven years. I never saw a library.'' - George 'Dubya' Bush, quoted in 'Living History' by Hilary Clinton.

"We have to accept somewhat looser standards. In the legal profession, to convict the defendant of a crime, you need proof beyond a reasonable doubt. In civil cases, a preponderance of the evidence is sufficient. When dealing with the Bible or any ancient source, we have to loosen up a little; otherwise, we can't really say anything." - David Noel Freedman (in Bible Review magazine, Dec. 1993, p.34)

"Behold, behold, The Lamb of God

As it skips and hops.

I know that soon The Lamb of God

Will be the Lamb of chops." - Spike Milligan

"It is odd that neither the Church nor modern public opinion condemns petting, provided it stops short at a certain point. At what point sin begins is a matter as to which casuists differ. One eminently orthodox Catholic divine laid it down that a confessor may fondle a nun's breasts, provided he does it without evil intent. But I doubt whether modern authorities would agree with him on this point." - Bertrand Russell

"What harm would it do, if a man told a good strong lie for the sake of the good and for the Christian church...a lie out of necessity, a useful lie, a helpful lie, such lies would not be against God, he would accept them." - Martin Luther

"Hey Butt-Head check this book out!  There's a talking snake, a naked chick, then some guy puts a leaf on his SCHLONG!!" - Beavis and Butt-Head Do America

"Whatever the natural cause, sin is the true cause of all earthquakes." - John Wesley (1703 - 1791)

"Why do people go on pretending about this Christianity?" - H.G.Wells

Voltaire wrote, in a letter to Frederick the Great: "Christianity is the most ridiculous, the most absurd, and bloody religion that has ever infected the world."

"I've gone into thousands of furtune teller's parlours, and have been told thousands of things, but nobody ever told me I was a policewoman getting ready to arrest her." - A New York Detective

"All the Gospels, after having run closely together in their accounts of the trial and execution, diverge markedly when they come to the circumstance of the Resurrection. It's impossible to fit their accounts together into a single coherent scheme." - A. E. Harvey, Christian scholar.

"The simple believeth every word." - Proverbs 14:15

"I am a Christian and I enjoy attending church. I consider myself to be sensitive, caring, and kind-hearted. I´m currently serving a life sentence on the charge of murder." - Susan Smith, in an Internet personal ad, June 2003. (Smith murdered her two sons by locking them in her car and rolling it into a lake. In 1994, she tearfully pleaded for the return of her sons on American national TV -- having just murdered them.)

"The earth is flat, and anyone who disputes this claim is an atheist who deserves to be punished." [Muslim religious edict, 1993, Sheik Abdel-Aziz Ibn Baaz, Supreme religious authority, Saudi Arabia]

In the 1500s, Michel de Montaigne, who created the essay as a literary form, wrote comments such as: "Man is certainly stark mad: he cannot make a worm, yet he will make gods by the dozen."

"We only half live when we only half think." -Voltaire

" I think it is very beautiful for the poor to accept their lot... the world is being much helped by the suffering of the poor people." - Agnes Gonxa Bojaxhiu (Mother Teresa)

"God always provides." - Agnes Gonxa Bojaxhiu (Mother Teresa)

"...the worst evil and the greatest enemy of peace." - Agnes Gonxa Bojaxhiu (Mother Teresa) - on abortion.

"The poor should remain poor ... Without them, we will lose our jobs." - Sister Nirmala, Superior General of the Missionaries of Charity - after the death of Mother Teresa.

"Most of the money sat in our bank accounts." - Susan Shields, ex-member of Mother Teresa's staff - on the unused tens-of-millions of dollars of charitable contributions.

"An atheist is a man who has no invisible means of support." - John Buchan (1875-1940) - British author and statesman.

"I can understand how they wouldn't let in those wild jungle apes, but what about those really smart ones who live among us who roller skate and smoke cigars?" - Homer Simpson - on Heaven

It's an embarrassing thing that, in a modern culture, people still fall for lines of bull that were invented in the caves. - Teller

"There ain't no elsewhere!" - Philip Pullman - on heaven. Speaking on the BBC radio 4 programme, 'Desert Island Disks'.

"Jehovah was not a moral god. He had all the vices and he lacked all the virtues. He generally carried out all his threats, but he never faithfully kept a promise." - Robert G. Ingersoll

"Religion is regarded by the common people as true, by the wise as false, and by rulers as useful." - Seneca the Younger (circa 4 B.C.E - 65 C.E)

"The Pope has declared that a wedding is for life and it must be accepted even if it doesn't work. Hey, Karol: if you don't play the game, don't make the rules!" - Daniele Luttazzi, Italian entertainer.

"There was a time when religion ruled the world. It is known as the dark ages." - Ruth Hermence Green

"All Bibles Are Man-Made." - Thomas Edison

"The whole religious complexion of the modern world is due to the absence from Jerusalem of a lunatic asylum" - Havelock Ellis

"As to the fable that there are Antipodes, that is to say, men on the opposite side of the earth, where the sun rises when it sets to us, men who walk with their feet opposite to ours, that is on no ground credible...that there was only one pair of original ancestors, and it is inconceivable that such distant regions should have been peopled by Adam's decendants." - St. Augustine

"All Christians are Jewish." - Larry King - from 'Jesus: A Millennial Tribute.'

"A bishop keeps on saying at the age of eighty what he was told to say at the age of eighteen." - Oscar Wilde

"When I think of all the harm the Bible has done, I despair of ever writing anything to equal it." - Oscar Wilde

“The Christian resolve to find the world evil and ugly, has made the world evil and ugly.” - Friedrich Nietzsche

"Former world snooker champion, Ronnie O’Sullivan, 28, has converted into Islam." - muslimnews.co.uk, Friday 26 September 2003

"I am not a Muslim." - Ronnie O'Sullivan - BBC sport online, Monday 6 October 2003

"The light of faith makes us see what we believe." - St. Thomas Aquinas

"In order that the happiness of the saints will be more delightful ... they are permitted perfectly to behold the sufferings of the damned. ... The saints will rejoice in the punishment of the damned ... which will fill them with joy." - St. Thomas Aquinas

"Religion is excellent stuff for keeping common people quiet." - Napoleon Bonaparte

"Ah yes, Mohammed - that's one of the most common Christian names in the world." - Kid Jensen (British TV/Radio presenter)

"Give tidings, O Mohammed, of painful doom to those who disbelieve... Slay the idolators wherever ye find them... And fight them until persecution is no more, and religion is all for Allah." - The Koran

"ISLAM IS PEACE" - G.W.Bush - 17th September 2001

"And whoever does not believe in Allah and His Apostle, then surely We have prepared burning fire for the unbelievers." - The Koran

"If god has spoken, why is the world not convinced?" - Shelly

"We must question the story logic of having an all-knowing all-powerful God, who creates faulty Humans, and then blames them for his own mistakes." - Gene Roddenberry

"What profit has not that fable of Christ brought us!" - Pope Leo X

"Nothing fails like prayer." - Dan Barker

"The aim of science is not to open the door to infinite wisdom, but to set a limit to infinite error." - Bertolt Brecht

"The minister of the Gospel is really the yardstick by which the nation measures its morals." - Jimmy Swaggart

"A casual stroll through the lunatic asylum shows that faith does not prove anything." - Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche (1844-1900)

"If god wanted us to believe in him... he'd exist!" - Linda Smith, British TV and radio comedienne, and comedy writer. 21:50, 25th September 2003, Hamond's High School, Swaffam, Norfolk, England.

"To assert that the earth revolves around the sun is as erroneous as to claim that Jesus was not born of a virgin." - Cardinal Bellarmine, at the trial of Galileo in 1615.

"Dear God. We paid for all this stuff ourselves, so thanks for nothing." - Bart Simpson - saying grace.

"As God once said, and I think rightly..." - Margaret Thatcher

"Faith is believing something you know ain't true." - Samuel Clemens (Mark Twain)

"Here we are in the Holy Land of Israel - a Mecca for tourists." - David Vine (British TV sports commentator)

"After my Christmas Lectures I received letters from the pious saying that they would have no objection if only I had qualified my remarks by saying: 'But I should warn you that many well-informed people think differently . . .' When did you last hear a priest-in the pulpit, on radio, on television, in infants' Sunday School-qualify his statement with 'But I should warn you that many well-informed people don't think God exists at all . . . ?' " - Richard Dawkins

"All thinking men are atheists." - Ernest Hemingway

“People do strange things when they are cornered by facts. When evidence cannot be denied, men who care nothing for the truth simply become illogical. Minds become willfully ignorant and emotions turn hostile.” - Christian apologist Richard Sisson. (From the second volume of Answering Christianity’s Most Puzzling Questions)

"The happiness of the elect will consist in part of witnessing the torments of the damned in hell, among whom may be their own children, parents, husbands, wives and friends; ... but instead of taking the part of their miserable being, they will say 'Amen!', 'Hallelujah!', 'Praise the Lord!'" - Rev. Nathaniel Emmons (1745 - 1840)

"The only true immortality lies in one's children." - Johannes Brahms, composer - 1833-1897.

"You only pass through this way once. And if you do it right, once is enough!" - Jerry Lewis, on the BBC breakfast show, 8th April, 2004.

"Isn't killing people in the name of God a pretty good definition of insanity?" - Arthur C. Clarke

"The Lord above made liquor - to see if man could turn away from sin." - Alfred P Dolittle - With a little bit of luck - My fair lady

"You will be pleased to know that almost five and a half million people are watching you being so thick!" - Anne Robinson - on the BBC quiz show 'The Weakest Link' - to the last four contestants after they had scored zero (and a series low cumulative total).

"OH BUMMER!" - Stephen Hawking - British TV ad.

"I can't embrace a male god who has persecuted female sexuality throughout the ages. And that persecution still goes on today all over the world." - Amanda donohoe

"We should be open-minded, but not so open that our brains fall out." - Richard Dawkins.

"The Romans killed Jesus on the cross. His death on the cross saved us from our sins. Therefore, we should worship the Romans." - Earle Jones - in alt.atheism.satire

"Here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance: Jesus Christ came into the world to save sinners... But for that very reason, I was shown mercy so that in me... Jesus Christ might display His unlimited patience as an example for those who would believe in him and receive eternal life. Now to the king eternal, immortal, invisible, the only God, be honor and glory forever and ever." - Jeffrey Dahmer, Christian cannibal serial killer.

"Prayer - the last refuge of a scoundrel." - Lisa Simpson

(mis-quoting Samuel Johnson)

"Could a being create the fifty billion galaxies, each with two hundred billion stars, then rejoice in the smell of burning goat flesh?" - Ron Patterson

"God gave me the mission to kill. I'm in God's hands. He misled the police." - Peter Sutcliffe, (the 'Yorkshire Ripper') Christian serial prostitute murderer - during his pre-trial psychiatric interviews.

"I prayed for twenty years but received no answer until I prayed with my legs." - Frederick Douglass, escaped slave

"In athletics, triple jumpers are literally human kangaroos." - David Vine, BBC sports commentator.

...and finally:

"I've never read a whole book." Victoria Beckham (Posh Spice) - on the Graham Norton show, Channel 4, 15th Feb 2002.

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© Martin J Burn 2002/3