Local Birmingham football clubs have been thrown into turmoil this season as Village F.C. have transformed themselves from the butt of everyone’s best homophobic jokes into a team of lustful Lotharios. A succession of steamy relationships, marriages and (whisper it!) children have forced many West Midlanders to rethink their stock jibes and rebukes when they face Village on the football field. Festival League Sunday morning are said to be finding the change particularly difficult to come to terms with.

Insiders say that the ball really started rolling when long-term loser, Ric Bowl, announced plans to wed sweetheart Cathy. One time Village Sunday player, Joe O’Rourke, now a regular Sutton United player fills us in. ‘We were preparing for a key fixture towards the end of the season. the manager checked that we’d all got our queer jokes ready for our opposite men when who should pop his head round the door but old Ric. Well, when he announced his marriage to all and sundry, the gaffer asked the Ref for ten minutes to reappraise tactics.’

Indeed, it seems that the Village talisman has taken heterosexuality to heart. When asked to comment for this publication Ric responded with a mischievous grin, ‘Sorry, boys, I’m off to surf the internet porn pages.’

Ric is only a symptom, though, of a greater shift. Village historian, Steve Hughes, has traced the changeling back to a much more subtle epiphany. ‘Well,’ chuckled Steve, ‘we used to drink strictly in the dives of Digbeth. One AGM it was proposed that we try and drink in pubs with women in them. It was rejected initially, but rather like market forces eventually taking over in former Eastern Bloc countries, people adapted. The next thing that happened was that we were in P.J.’s on a Saturday night, parties every month and people were forced to rethink their jokes. Do you know that one of our number got a blow-job on the club tour, and another actually had sex!’ With this the genial secretary fell into a reverie regarding his once fulsome beard and dim nights in the Queen’s Tavern.

Jimmy Docherty is held in high regard by most associated with the club. He was the only member who has waved a hetero banner with no ambiguity for a number of years, ‘I’ve got young Joseph to prove that!’ smiled the Brummie handyman ruefully; seriously, though, I knew the boys would come through! We’ve taken an awful lot of stick, and it’s thanks to people like Paul McQuade and Ian Davies that people are now looking at Village as a normal club.’ Later-on, Jimmy confided in us that he felt Graham Coombs’ ‘coming-out’ made a great impression on everyone.’ I think after that, everyone felt they could do it. I mean if you look at the childhood he had, then you’re talking about a great achievement to be openly straight.’

Local clubs were convinced of a genuine ‘swing’ when Village baldie Alex Lloyd left the club in mysterious circumstances. Alex has yet to give a reason for his departure, but sources close to the Moseley man say that he felt his opportunities to pull were beginning to be restricted by the new Village mentality. Alex’s well documented laissez-faire sexuality was also thought to be crucial in his leaving.

What, with the up-coming weddings for Dan Howard, Nick Rattray and Ian Bowman, Village can claim to be as normal as the next team. However, College Arms’ combative midfield general Barry Randall strikes a blow for those who still consider Village FC to be a, ‘bunch of poufs’. ‘I don’t like ‘em. They talk posh and they don’t fight. I squared up to one of them last year and he just turned round and walked away. Now, that’s just not normal is it?’ Noel, an old adversary who wouldn’t give a contact address for legal reasons, simply said, ‘Fucking benders.’

So, Village walk into a new era where safe-sex is more on the mind than safe pubs and Brew Eleven is less of a concern than brewer’s droop. What a bunch of lads.....Well, some of them.....