Jokes
Part I     Part II     Part III
You may have heard about a new bride who was a bit embarrassed
to be
known as a honeymooner. So when she and her husband pulled up
to the hotel,
she asked him if there was any way that they could make it
appear that they
had been married a long time. He responded, "Sure. You carry
the suitcases!"

A drunk was staggering down the main street of town. Somehow he
managed to
make it up the stairs to the cathedral and into the building,
where he crashed
from pew to pew, finally making his way to a side aisle and
into a
confessional.
A priest had been observing the man's sorry progress and
figuring the fellow
was in need of some assistance, proceeded to enter his side of
the
confessional. But his attention was rewarded only by a lengthy
silence.
Finally he asked, "May I help you, my son?"
"I dunno," came the drunk's voice from behind the partition.
"You got any
toilet paper on your side?

There was a farmer who grew watermelons. He was doing pretty
well,
but he was disturbed by some local kids who would sneak into
his
watermelon patch at night and eat his watermelons. After some
careful thought, he came up with a clever idea that he thought
would
scare the kids away for sure.

He made up a sign and posted it in the field. The next day, the
kids show up and they saw the sign which read: "Warning!  One
of the
watermelons in this field has been injected with cyanide."

The kids ran off, made up their own sign and posted it next to
the
farmer's sign. When the farmer returned, he surveyed the field.
He
noticed that no watermelons are missing, but the sign next to
his
read: "Now there are two!"


A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat
next to a
priest.  The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with
red
lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of
his torn coat
pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few
minutes the
disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father,
what causes
arthritis?" "Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with
cheap, wicked
women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man."
"Well I'll be
damned."  the drunk muttered, returning to his paper. The
priest, thinking
about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized.  "I'm
very sorry.  I
didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had
arthritis?" "I
don't have it, Father.  I was just reading here that the Pope
does."

It seems a man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America,
walked into the
branch and wrote "This iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this
bag."  While
standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he
began to worry
that someone had seen him write the note and might call the
police before
he reached the teller window.  So he left the Bank of America
and crossed
the street to Wells Fargo.  After waiting a few minutes in
line, he handed
his note to the Wells Fargo teller.  She read it and, surmising
from his
spelling errors that he was not the brightest light in the
harbor, told him
that she could not accept his stick up note because it was
written on a
Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to
fill out a
Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking
somewhat
defeated, the man said "Ok" and left. The Wells Fargo teller
then called
the police who arrested the man a few minutes later, as he was
waiting in
line back at Bank of America.

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day,
their passions overcame them and they took off for her house,
where
they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the
sex, they
fell asleep, awakening around 8 p.m. As the man threw on his
clothes,
he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them
through the
grass and dirt. Mystified, she none the less complied. He
slipped
into his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been?" Demanded his wife when he entered the
house.
"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with
my
secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon and I fell
asleep."
The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You're lying!
You've
been playing golf!"
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