IF SOMEONE IS IN NEED, JUST BE THERE
If there is one essential element in the art of caring, it is the
ministry of presence. It is not based on "doing" but of "being
there." The problem is that we are people of short attention
spans, who like to fix things, particularly for those we care
for. This practice isn't quick, and you need to set your
expectations accordingly.
Exercise the Ministry of Presence:
- Be fully present. Self control is required to stay fully
focused.
- Don't underestimate the importance of the moment. When you
are with another person who is in distress, confusion, pain,
or loss, you are sharing one of life's most difficult and
crucial moments.
- Don't "fix it." You are not there to lift the burden off, but
rather to walk the path together; to support that person and
that burden with your presence. If it is possible to lift, it
is best for your companion to do it himself or herself, when
he or she is stronger and ready.
- Listen. Presence opens communication lines. It does not put
the other person on the defensive, but shows respect for this
person, whatever the circumstances are. There are times when
others are not able to move on to solutions. No matter what
we say, they won't hear you. Until they can, you can be there
with them.
- Keep on caring. Steadfastness and continuity help build
trust, and with that trust an atmosphere in which growth and
change can happen.
- Keep up your strength. Maintaining the ministry of presence
takes a great deal of strength. It is easy to get frustrated,
grow weary, or feel angry that the person won't move at your
pace. The important thing is to remember that the person who
needs the support is the hurting person, not you.
- Don't give up. Non-abandoning presence is one of the factors
that makes a difference. The commitment to sticking with the
person translates into real caring and trust.
- Enlist help. If the situation is long-term, you will need to
create a network of support. Find others who can share the
ministry with you. A widening support system may be called
for: friends, family, community, and, if appropriate,
professional help. As you involve others, you want to be
clear that you are not abandoning this person you walk with -
you are widening the caring circle. He or she may need to be
reassured of that.
- Keep in contact. If you can't be with that person "in the
flesh," there are other ways to reach out. Flowers, baked
goods, or things you make are always welcome. Short, frequent
notes from where you are (museum, office, park, or church)
that say, "I'm thinking of you in my daily life, no matter
how busy I am" are important because of their frequency and
range. Bringing your surroundings to the recipient adds much
to their life as well. Sending books, clippings, photographs
can help the person who needs comfort, not preaching.
Marcy Heidish has served as a chaplain in hospitals,
homeless shelters, jails, and nursing homes as well
as teaching at George Washington, Howard, and
Georgetown Universities. She is the author of six
novels, including Miracles and A Woman Called Moses.
Excerpted from Who Cares? by Marcy Heidish. Copyright
(c) 1997 by Marcy Heidish. Used with permission of
Ave Maria Press, P.O. Box 428, Notre Dame, IN, 46556.
This book is available from the publisher
(1-800-828-1865) or at your local religious
bookstore.