HOW TO DEAL WITH DIFFICULT PEOPLE
Every organization - including the church - has a few overly
aggressive people whose main objective is to display their
displeasure by being confrontational. Your reaction to this
person is totally your own. No one can make you feel angry. That
is your choice - and a poor one at that.
It is important to deal with the problem person before others
become involved through gossip or the ripple effect of discord.
How to handle excessive behavior:
- Listen. Gen. George Marshall had a three-part formula for
dealing with difficult circumstances:
- Listen to their story.
- Listen to their complete story.
- Listen to their complete story first.
Don't spend your time preparing your response, or interrupt
to defend yourself. Just listen.
Example: Jack bursts into the pastor's office and says,
Pastor, you never listen to anything I ever say. I am not
important to you and you just don't pay attention to anyone
in this church. We aren't important to you, are we?
- Give a regret statement. Realize this is a two-part
complaint: not listening and not caring. In a calm voice say,
Jack, I really regret that we are having a problem with
communication.
- Give an empathy statement. Continue, I can understand your
being upset, because if I were trying to talk to someone and
I thought they weren't listening I would be angry, too.
- Look for areas of agreement. When you can empathize with the
complainer, you immediately have something in common and you
have diffused the initial anger.
- Ask questions. By asking open-ended questions, you can find
specifics where the person thinks you have let him/her down.
Jack, what am I doing that demonstrates that I'm not
listening and that I don't care? Once again, listen to
his/her full reply. Well, pastor, the other Sunday right
before the service I told you my mother was in the hospital
and you barely listened to me and went into the service.
Then, last week when I was in your office talking about the
Sunday school curriculum, the phone rang and you turned your
back on me and had a conversation with the person on the
phone.
- Offer suggestions. Include the person in a solution that will
solve the problem, not just appease feelings. Have him/her
share responsibility for making it work. Jack, I appreciate
your sharing this with me. I know that early on Sunday
mornings my mind is on the service and I'm preoccupied with
the details of worship. I apologize for that. I'll tell you
what, the next time you want to tell me something right
before the service, would you jot it down on a piece of paper
so I can deal with it later in the day, because I don't want
to neglect it. And you can help me in my office too. Remind
me - if I don't do it myself - to tell my secretary to hold
my calls, because I know how important matters of curriculum
are to both of us.
- Thank him/her, not for complaining, but for coming to you. [A
study showed that 6 out of 10 people with complaints never
tell the person they are at odds with. Another finding showed
that when a problem is resolved to his/her satisfaction, a
person will tell three others about it. But if it is not
resolved to his/her satisfaction, he/she will tell 11 others,
and the results could spread as far as 250 people before it
dies. It is to your advantage to positively solve matters of
conflict.]
- Follow up. Don't let the matter drop. Both the pastor and
Jack have to work toward success. Jack, I appreciate the note
you gave me at church. I was able to handle it later at home.
Thanks!
- Practice. Studies show that it takes 28 tries for a new
behavior to be learned. By committing to diffuse conflicts
directly at the source, and in a positive manner, it will
become easier and faster each time they develop.
Dr. Walter A Lacey received his Doctor of Ministry in
Pastoral Care/Psychology and Communications from
Golden Gate Seminary in 1978. He is a consultant and
educator, having led training seminars for churches,
businesses, the military, and educational and
health-care facilities for 13 years.
From How to Handle Conflict, Criticism, and Difficult
People in the Church by Dr. Walt Lacey. Copyright (c)
1989 by Interlink Seminars, Overland Park, Kan. Used
by permission of Church Growth Institute, Forest,
Va., 1-800-553-4769.