What do you call a guy with a totally screwed up love life ?

I mean screwed up in the true sense of the word. I mean totally twisted.

Simple .

Me.

Does anyone dare ask why ?

Well, if you must know, then you must know

So here goes………. My tale of woes …..

I had just finished my entrance exams & the results were out .

Since I did not get the desired results I had to move from my place & stay in the hostel to pursue my studies. It was really very sad for me to leave my parents ,my dear sis & all my childhood buddies. I cried a lot & so did my mom & sis. Finally it was all over & I had to leave . I was pretty unsure of how to handle myself all by myself. Until now it was mom who used to get everything done for me .

When I reached that place, it looked quite serene & I thought " well a couple of years & i will be off from this place"

My room mate in the hostel was an old pal of mine . I knew him from my school days . We consoled ourselves that atleast we were not all alone in this place. We had heard about ragging in Engineering colleges & we were quite Apprehensive about it. Since I am a very confident guy I thought I could handle it . ( I was confident from birth, that was what which let me down most of the times) .

Got up early , as we had to attend college. All was well until I stepped out of hostel

" Hey you over there" I heard a voice

" Me"

" Ya , Me the donkey . Come over here" I made my way towards them.

My pal being more intelligent of the two , sensing danger, darted back into the room.

" Yes"

" Freshman"

"Yes".

You should have seen the sparkle in their eyes . It looked as if a tiger had caught it’s prey. I was now pretty sure that they were the seniors & I am done now .Any way that’s fate I thought & I just managed to force a smile on my poor face.

" Be serious. Don’t you know how to behave with your seniors "

I just stood there nodding my head . Even while standing there I could not help noticing my beautiful seniors. They were six of them ( four boys & two beautiful girls.. Aunties rather)

" Well we’ll just ask you a few questions . you must answer them properly & we’ll let you go . Simple isn’t it"

" Okay " I muttered

" What is the difference between a girl & a boy ? "

Man the question seemed very simple . But what about the answer. I mean I felt that it was’nt a question to be put forth at this time . I was just .. I don’t know what ..How could I tell them that the difference was…I mean , I felt very embarassed I hung my head down

" Just what do you think you are doing , look at my balls & speak up ? " sounded the girl

This was it . I was totally confused . Rather I did’nt know what it is going to be next. I just felt like drowning myself in some pool ( Ocean & sea were too big for me ‘cos anyway I did not know swimming)

" Don’t you know the simple difference between a girl & a boy " they roared

" And by look at my balls & speak ,, I meant my eye balls " they all laughed together

I still had no answer for this question . I stood still

" You dummy the difference is in the spelling "

I felt like a real dummy . Leaving this I thought of every other thing possibility.

" Okay one more question , tell us where do two hairs & two skins meet?’

That’s it . nothing more. I mean how could they possibly ask such a thing . And even if they asked did ask who would possible give them a reply. It was just too much for me . I tried to mutter something but out of embarassment I had to put it off . I stood there in front of them for a solid 2 min

" You are not smart at all. Come on you have studied this in biology "

This was getting me on my nerves. I could’nt stand it any more . I just stood there waiting for them to speak

" okay wise guy, it’s you eyelids . Got it "

" This is going to be the last question we are asking you , you better come up with an answer, otherwise we won’t let you go " growled the pretty one.

"okay" i murmered

" What is 6 inches long & when put in the mouth & moved up & down generates a white liquid "

hey man this was it, it was not only perversion but also i don’t know what . I just stood there speech less.

" come on man , it’s getting late......"

" sorry i don’t know "

" you are dumb, really dumb i don’t know how u’ll complete your engineering , it’s tooth brush man , got it... . And now piss off from here."

I was too happy to get away from them ,least they catch hold of me & pour a series of embarassing questions.

So on my first day of college I was feeling quite low, thanks to the ragging I was subjected to. That’s when I saw Her . I don’t mean a goddess by the capital H , but she was fairly close. It was love at first sight . I mean total madness.

But where I went to , boys did not speak to girls. I mean they probably did , but since at that age when boys forget their GI Joe toys & discover the other major species inhabiting the planet (read girls), I was fairly sure that boys were not supposed to talk to girls. Fortunately some had grown up together & boys did talk to girls. In fact , they even played together . I mean stuff like football.

The whole day passed in the jiffy. My pal was not subjected to as much ragging as I was to.

"hey did you see that"

"See what ?"

" That girl over there "

"Looks tempting to me "

" Tempting .. what’s so tempting in her" I asked

" I mean the flower on her head" he said without blinking an eyelid.

Time just flew & I just kept admiring what I thought was the ultimate beauty.

In the evening after the college we went on to the terrace . Since our hostel was a tall structure sunset really looked good.

We were just figuring of what exactly happened in college that day , as everything was just going above our heads.

" what macha full fida over that girl na ?" he sounded very curios

"Nothing yaar I don’t even know her name , But wait a sec you are going to find it out for me" I said

" Me " he seemed surprised " Count me out guy"

" No way , I have no idea what you do or how you do. See you are my buddy & these are some of your duties towards your pal."

This was enough for him. He was already on the clouds

" Okay man from now onwards I’ll do everything that’s possible to help you"

I was a happy man. He was now my tutor to help me woo this particular girl.

Let me be honest - he wasn’t an expert on such matters nor did he give any useful advice . But I cannot resist mentioning about him as an egoist .He had decided to get a grip on my life.

As we sat on the edge of the terrace soaking in the incandescent light from the hanging porsche , he did something that is still fresh in my memory even today. As fresh as a red rose no girl ever gave me. He stood up on the terrace wall, slightly tizzy ( I knew he was afraid of heights) & cried out loud

" From this day, I declare that I shall make Vinu fall in love over & over again . This is the only ambition in my life now. The trees , the college building , the campus, the hostel , sky & Vinu are my witness."

This was it. It made us laugh for a solid half an hour or so.

It was a matter of time before me & my pal (my soulmate ) had good collection of friends.

Every day I was in class even before anyone came . Atleast I made it a point to be there before she came. And left the class after everyone left. This was to make sure that I did’nt miss a glimpse of her.

Okay , so the major obstacle was overcome .On the D-Day I was introduced to her, through a common friend after a lot of begging & pleading .

"Hiya , my name is Vinay , close friends call me Vinu"

She looked very suspecting at me & my friends.

"Okay vinay I’ll leave this problem . Solve it for me" this was an intended interruption from my pal . To increase my prestige in front of her"

"Ah , that’s his roommate Asutosh "

"Hello , you can call me Asu" this I didn’t need.

"and ... blah .. blah ... he .. he..."

If anything i forgot to mention you guys is that Asu cracks so many totally non-comic jokes that even the artificial laughter machine refuses to work .And also he breaks into a dance at every possible occassion in the hope that some movie producer might spot him & cast him as a hero, which solely on the basis of his looks is next to impossible

We just shook our heads looking at each other . When she broke the silence.

She said something , But the voice ( anyway it’ll remind me of R . D . Burman)

It turned out that her name was Asma .

Nice name.

Nice girl. She was a smart one who dressed well ,spoke fast and could hold conversation with anyone

( nothing more I can tell you about this divine creature.. well atleast I thought so)

It was a matter of time that I was made popular by my friends in the class . For this I was made to do ordinary things in a extraordinary way . The first step adopted by my pals to lure this girl for me.

My eyes followed her everywhere. And not just my eyes! My entire karmic energy was spent on trying to be where she will be. I’d do anything to be with her.

I soon became part of the group & my pal soon joined me & we called our group Die-Hard ( not after the film name but after the virus name) &, as the poets say , time began to fly .

I entered the classroom & took my place at the last bench of the middle row ,from which I had a vantage view on all my fellowmates in the rows. Ofcourse not missing her for any chance .It was always fun to attend the Monday morning classes . by one glance around the class ,I estimated that only half the original strength was present.

The other half I guessed ,were busy in playing cricket,shuttle & various other physically prospective & thereby mentally prospective games,which I suppose was far ,far better option than attending this third degree torture of a class . But attend I did for the minimum requirement of attendence was 75% for us to eligible to sit for the examinations , & mine was at border .

"In college you don’t attend the class to learn , you attend to get attendance" a senior had once told me.

The bell rang , and there was a generous groan ,for it was a start of the torture..Mere sitting was a problem . The lecturer enterered .half thoes present got up as a mark of respect & the other half just sat. looking warily at him,apparently more interested in chewing the gums in their mouths. Once the lecturer had settled himself after cleaning the board ,he gave the attendance.There were exactly 10 proxies & the lecturer could not make out that all the 10 were given by a single person. ! .Once the attendence was over , he gave a hasty glance at the notes in his hand & started the monologue.

For once I tried to concentrate on what he was saying. Ten minutes later , I failed . What he said never made sense ,far less,never went into the head. The concepts were too complicated to comprehend , the explanations insufficient to satisfy us & the topic always beyond our range of imagination. .Moreover he lacked the art of simple narration, & that made the situation a hell lot of worse for us..

To put everything in a simple capsule one could sum it up as" An hour’s waste in life". An hour a day implies four weeks , sixteen a month & approximately seven days a year!. Forget the games the time could have been well spent in the library . Damn that 75%. Whoever made that rule was making some of us waste our time rather than install any discipline in us.

I casually glanced beside me. Raj & his three friends had already started the usual tradition of playing various types of game. One thing is for sure , that one of them must get " the most indigenious game….." award & must be recommended to Bill gates for microsofts famous Desk top games .they were simply too good. Be it either cards of tic-tac-toe or book cricket or housie it always had highly entertaining rules.Well,Well,Well.

I shifted my vision next to the front benchers, & predictably everyone were attentive . I then looked at the second bench. I was not amazed at what I saw .Sure they were writing .They were completing their lab record. ,for they had their lab that day .Behind them ,The giggling girls, which is how we call them ,as expected were giggling away the classes ,cracking silly jokes & laughing under their breath.

My next place of intrest was the third row of benches beside the sunlit windows.An expert was reflecting the sunlight on the lecturer’s shirt through his watch,moving it as the lecturer moved.,thus causing some ripples of laughter.A boy in front of him,far more decent spent his time gazing at the scenery that lay beyound the window & the college campus.

Then there was Nalini who always kept falling from her sleep ,even though she had the temerity to sit in the first bench. .Malini was much more respectful. She slept with her eyes open.

With my vision having completed the entire class , it just happened to fall on her. I just could not guess what exactly she did. Sometimes she listened attentively & suddenly jotted down something. She must be the only one who’s paying attention to the lecture I thought only to realize that she was pencil skecthing the lecturer.

But alas the next class would be even worse,It would be taken by the HOD .Someone suggested that we mass-bunk the class. One class was more than enough for one day!.thankfully everyone agreed.Within minutes the class was empty.

We bunked college together & went to see movies .(c’mon not all movies could be seen by everyone). Ate chat & other junk food in others cost. Literally speaking we were enjoying. Blowing the money in the name of studies , we guessed it late though.

Before I knew it ,the second semester ended & it was vacation time. Never had I hated vacation so much, but this time I guess there was a genuine cause. Any way I had to come home .

No one was staying in the hostel & I guess I had no other choice.

" What will you have , coffee or tea ?"

It was 9’0’clock in the morning & I had just gained my conscious from a very deep sleep. Probably the best I had had from a long- long time . It was due to travelling.

Mom & Tan were just standing near the bed & watching me.

"Look how thin he has become" Mom was telling Tans.

I clearly remembered the day when I had to leave my place & go for studies.

" Take care of your health & study well". These were the only things they all ways told me.

" I’ll take coffee". I said sleepily

" I’ll make it for you" .Tans was already in the kitchen.

Mom was still standing & looking very closely at me .

" Now mom don’t give me those looks, I’ve been away for just half a year or so & I have’ nt changed a bit"

"okay , what will you have for breakfast"

"anything mom , anything you do will be fine"

" fine, but you tell me"

"lemme think. i’ll have poori"

"okay brush your teeth & take your bath the breakfast will be ready"

"here take your coffee" tans rushed in.

"thanks" I gulped the coffee.

I always needed this morning something to bring the pressure for downloading.

"gee he did’nt say a word, that means he liked the coffee tans retorted happily

"did you say coffee ? I thought it was tea & drank it"

"mommy", leave him alone & come, talk to him later

I just got up from my bed & walked out of my room. I saw dad reading the newspaper.

"good-morning dad" I said.

"good-morning" he said but it was as if he said "why so late ?"

I tottered on my legs & got into the bathroom &managed to get down to my basics.

"breakfast ready" tans yelled

" just a sec, I am out"

Hot-hot breakfast was waiting for me on the table. It had been days since I had such food & I relished it with great pleasure

"Have some more lots is being made" she sounded very concerned.

"no more mom I ’am full , I’ll burst if I have any more"

I finished the remaining poori’s & looked up . It was almost 10’0’ clock now.

"I’ll meet my friends & be back ma", saying so I rushed towards the door.

"wait a sec? what do you want to have for lunch"

"anything will do" . Staying in the hostel I was accustomed to anything & everything.

I reached anil’s house in a few seconds.

"aunty where is anil?"

"oh ! vinu when did you come?"

"yesterday night aunty"

"oh, you have become thin"

"is it so aunty"

"he having his abulations , just come in"

I went inside thier house. everything was the same & not a thing had moved from it’s place as far as I remembered

" come have some breakfast"

"no thanks aunty I just had"

I just picked up one of anil’s strewn around books. Dental anatomy & it’s------. the book looked very fat & had some very good pics . Anil was studying dental.

" hi macha when did you come ? " anil was out as soon as he heard my voice

"just now yaar"

" just now ," he narrowed his brows

"I mean , I came yesterday night & I am coming to your place now"

" you could have atleast informed me"

"nay, I thought i’ll surprise you. how’s GC, Gowda & Sri ?"

"they are fine . Infact we had planned to go to a movie today. come let’s surprise them"

" which movie macha?’’

"ssh not so loud man, I’ll tell you later. so tell me man , hows college , how are the the babes. made any new friends"

"babes there aren’t any & no new friends...."

" it’s okay yaar. dil mein kyon leta hain ..."

" haath mein lein" it was our old saying.

"but there is this girl called Asma , I ‘am trying. "

"What does it mean"

"Asma"

" I don’t know , but I am sure it means something good."

we went to our Adda, only to find gc,gowda & sri already sitting there.

"hi, guys"

"when did this thing appear , I thought you were extinct" it was GC.

" now cut it man , I know I didn’t write to you but I did send you guys a e-mail" I defended myself

" who needs an e-mail man we were expecting a snail mail’’

"so guys anythings new ?" I asked casually

" nothing much macha ,tomorrow there is a puja in uncle Sathya’s house ?’’

"puja , for what ?’’

" personal problems, I guess’’ gc quized.

We talked enough that day. Each guy bragging of what he did in these 6 months.

Until it was time for us to leave.

"okay guys got to go home now .Meet you guys tomorrow in sathya uncles’s place"

My parents had known Sathya uncle from when he was a kid.

It was a strange fusion. In the tiny makeshift room created out of cloth & bamboo, the pundit was performing the Sathyanarayana Puja.Being of the old school , toothless & grey haired, he had none of the slapdash hurry that some of the modern two- career practitioners of panditry have & he took pains to get everything right. So unlike me , who felt my attention wandering now & then , he seemed not to hear the sounds & commotion that was going on in the adjacent room.

In the best of my voice I said " hello , can I speak to anouksha please"

" HELLO WHO DO U WANT "

"anouksha please " I tried to sound more sweet

"What the hell, you rascal you call up a police station & ask for a girl……"

I kept the receiver down.

Let down , again let down , again by a pal whom I trusted very much. I just waited to lay my hands on that chap. Lucky for him, I choose the ahimsa marga

Here’s what I see at one of the busiest crossings in the area . Vroooooom……… in zips a black CBZ & parks itself with a screech of breaks in a free corner of the road. Levis, Nike shoes , Killer loop shades dangling from his belt. Nokia cell in his hand. Standing there with a group of friends, I look on. He appears to be less of a student .. for he comes minus books & more of a brand advertising exercise, carrying all the brands he could on his body. Wait a sec he looked like GC ,nopes he can’t be ,he ‘s not like that. And this happens all in front of me.

The bike stopped, Anouksha got down from the bike and handed me a lovely red rose and just as quickly, she climbed back on and put an arm around GC. Before I could blink my wide eyes, they were off! There was a small note attached to the rose, , and it read "ZOR KA JHATKA, DHEERE SE LAGE!!".

But ofcourse, GC had been party to everthing I had said about his girlfriend & damn he made me a bakra in front of the whole gang. Of course Anouksha also had a part to play.

It was gone … what was a dream a few moments ago looked like a bolt from the blue to me. It was for real. She was gone & it was time for me to go now.