THE MIDDLE OF LIFE

......Continued

I waited for Sunday likle never before. I had saved upto 100 Rs for this day hoping the charge won’t go up more. I had my favourite pant & shirt neatly washed & pressed. I waited for this D-DAY with great patience . And it arrived . At the given time I reached the college. But she was there already waiting for me . I felt sheepish

‘’ Why so late’’ she asked

‘’ Nothing I had some work ‘’ I lied

‘’Let’s go to Bugle Rock , it’s a nice place isn’t it . I ‘ve been there once’’

‘’ Okay fine ‘’ We took an auto & reached there in 10 mts

We found a good secluded spot & sat there . She fished out something from her bag & gave it to me .

‘’ What’s this ‘’

‘’ Nothing , just a small gift for you ‘’

‘’ What for ‘’

‘’ Just like that , for friend ship ‘’

‘’ Had your breakfast ‘’

‘’ Not much i’ve got some tooth problem , so I could’nt eat much. He say s it’s due to stress’

‘’ Stress’’

‘’ Yeah , got any solutions on how to keep away from stress’’

‘’ I don’t . I try as hard as I can to keep away from it. ‘’ I grinned

‘’That’s what I do ; keep myself away from anyone who’s going to cause stress. I’ve got better things to do with my time than give them something to talk about .’’

‘’How do you handle it ?. Stress ; I mean’’ she asked

‘’When I feel stress .......... I EAT !’’

‘’I couldn’t even consider doing that !’’ she burst out laughing.

‘’ Not that it’s done you any harm ‘’, she added , referring to my build.

‘’ It sounds like you worry to much ..... . you’ve probably read too many magazines telling you what you should eat & not like a typical woman.... always worried about her figure when she should’nt be.

‘’ I think you are very pretty.’’ She blushed a little.

‘’ Why did you start bodybuilding?’’ she asked politely changing the subject.

‘’ Because I got tired of hearing people say, I wish I had done this 15 years ago ; so I decided there & then to make sure i’d never say that’’

‘’ There’s a small exercise room in my house too. Dad uses it daily. I use those when I feel like it.’’

‘’You look like you’ve got a fair amount of muscle. i’d guess you could beat most girls of your age at strength exercises .’’

‘’ Do I ? Ummmm, I haven’t really tried’’

‘’Another reaon I joined the gym is because a girlfriend suggested it & when I finally got around to trying it , I really liked it.’’

‘’ I don’t have a boyfriend’’

‘’ Of course you don’t . A boy friend would’nt buy the perfume you’re wearing. Impulse is’nt it ?’’

She looked surprised at me ‘’ I am not forbidden to have a friend who’s a boy , it’s just that ..... well ... you know.......’’

‘’Yeah , I do ‘’

‘’ And what would you recommend , then ?. What perfume I mean’’.

‘’ Paris is nice , but I think it’s too subtle for you. Try Red door. Poison is nice after a few minutes too. Hope you don’t mind , it’s a little game I like to play , smelling who’s wearing perfume as I pass them , & trying to guess which one . It’s a kind of fun’’

‘’ That’s different . I can’t say I ‘ve ever experimented with them . What’s your favourite ?’’

‘’Ummmmm , it depends on the girl . I like a girl with a nice strong perfume, & lots of it. I love it when I can get a good strong smell from several steps behind her. that gets me going ....... Can I ask you a question ?’’

‘’Ummmm what’s that ?’’

‘’ Why do you always wear pink.... pink earings, pink hairband , pink kerchiefs... you know what I mean’’

She had’nt expected that & it showed from her face

‘’ This is not pink exactly watch carefully it’s called baby pink. I don’t know, I think it’s just ‘me’. There was this girl near my house in delhi . She had dark hair & a bright blue school jersey. I always thought Wow that looks neat ; nice & bright colours, you know .... so I try & do the same. I feel i’am making a point to the people that you have to be bright & cheerful all the time. I am happy the way I look & feel & nobody can take that from me.’’

‘’ That sounds like agood attitude . I don’t know , i’ve never really thought about wearing any thing else ‘’

‘’ What are hobbies ?//

‘’ Eating, reading , working out at the gym . I play cricket , table tennis & snook around nature reserve wheen i’am in good mood. What are your’s’’

‘’ I am into reading a bit of sci- fi , dancing, singing . I also play chess & table tennis, but lately my lifestyle has been cramped a little. ‘’

‘’Have you read some of Arthur C Clarkes earlier Sci - fi stories ? They are brilliant’’

‘’ I haven’t seen any , I just buy what I like the look of when I can get out .’’

‘’ Check out our library. Most have a few book with collections of his hort stories. Another good read is ‘Immortality Inc’ by Robert Sheckley’’

‘’ I’ve heard about that , is’nt that what the movie ‘Freejack’ was based on ?’’

‘’Yep, that’s the one... Have you seen any good movies lately ?’’

‘’ I see everything that looks interesting , as you can imagine. Jurassic park was the last descent one I saw ‘’

‘’ I liked that one too. There was some good humour in that one too. The stegosaurus droppings .... that was funny’’

‘’ Who do you like in the movies ?’’

‘’ Jodie Foster .... yes, definetly Jodie. She really puts her all into a part . She has nice accent , & she is not stereotypically slim like a lot movie ladies. She really shone in ‘Sommersby’ & ‘ The silence of the lambs’. Elizabeth Shue especially in ‘The Saint’. So is sigourney weaver , She’s cute .... i’d love to be married to her’’.

‘’ Yes but she’s over 40’’

‘’Yeah I know , but she’s got personality & a good sense of humour . ‘’

‘’ Who else do you like ?’’

‘’ Ummmmm.... Nicole kidman, Brooke Shields.... of course.’’

‘’ Elle Mcpherson’’

‘’Yeah’’

‘’Typical male’’

‘’ Sharon stone ?’’

‘’ No , not her . What about you’’ She blushed a little

‘’UMMM I really thought about that’’

‘’ How about Arnold Schwarzenegger’

‘’bleargh !’’

‘’ Sylverster Stallone’’

‘’ Even worse’’

‘’Tom Cruise ?’’

‘’Mmmmm... he’s cute’’

‘’Who else do you like ?’’

‘’ You first.’’

‘’ Can think of ,any others, I am picky in who I like. Demi Moore is very nice. She was beautiful in the photos taken when she was pregnant. Winona Ryder is nice too. I thought she looked good eith black hair in ‘ Beetle juice’, but not the way she was in ‘ edward Scissorhand’

‘’ What do you look for in a girl ?’’

‘’ Me ?? You ask a lot of questions; Any way that’s a good one.... the first thing I look in the girl is the girls general appearence, her outlook, that sort of thing . the next & most important thing I try to do is look at the company she keeps. The girl I like has to be an individual & not scared to be herself.Dress the way she likes & so forth. Someone who wants to look like a model turns me off. I like someone who’s happy the way they are’’

‘’ Is that the kind of girl you want to marry’’

‘’ No, the girl I will marry will either be deaf, dumb , lame or all but with lots of dowry cashing in’’ She hit me on my arm

‘’ Actually , she has to enjoy cooking, cleaning, washing & ironing ‘’ She hit me on my arm again. Harder

‘’Okay to tell you the truth , yes that’s the kind of woman I want to marry, but that won’t be for another few more years I think....... Come to think of it Monica Seles is nice too’’

‘’ Why her ‘’ she seemed a bit surprised

‘’ She seems a nice person in her interviews. Besides the neighbours would know that we are in bed’’ Her laughing lips were within an inch of mine. It was irresistible. Soundly , I kissed her on her mouth

‘’ Ooh , naughty’’, she said

‘’naughty but nice ?’’

‘’Naughty AND nice ‘’ she whispered & backed away from me At first I was embarassed at this behavior of mine & I fell silent. But she broke the silence

‘’ So how did you manage to break the bet’’

‘’ I was always confident I could do such things . but I lacked the ..... what you call the inspiration. Which I can now say you have given it to me.Thank’s for it. I ‘ll never forget that

We talked for nearly the whole day untill we were tired & known each other very well.Later towards the evening we saw each other off. Well we really did have a very good time & I reckon this date will be remembered by both of us.It was tiring day not because we trekked around but because of the amount we talked that day. I surely made me very tired becuse the moment I touched the bed I snoozed off.Suddenly I woke up, I remembered the small gift she had given it to me . It was a a key chain in the form of a small TEDDY BEAR. I just put it in my drawer & slept of. The next day in college, nilu had’nt come. I thought maybe she was as tired as me. But the same thing happened the next day. I didn’t know what happened to her . I called her in the evening. Again it was ringing & nobody was taking the call. Then some one took it

‘’ Hello , whos’it ?’’ It was sayonee

‘’ Where is nilu’’ I asked

‘’ Didi is not feeling well ‘’

‘’ What’s wrong with her’’

‘’ I don’t know ‘’

‘’ Okay then i’ll call her some time later ‘’

‘’ Bye seeya’’

‘’Bye’’

It took me by surprise . Why just 3 days back she seemed so happy & nothing absolutely was wrong with her . May be the climate. That’s what she said isn’t it . The days in college was nothing less than boring. I just could not forget that day. How memorable she had made it. It was now over a week nilu had not come to college. Then one day Shruthi came & told us that nilu was admitted to the hospital & she was serious. Serious , what could have happened to her. The climate could’nt have made her serios . Maybe there was some other reason. We all decided to go & see her in the hospital. The scene in the hospital was quite different. Nilu’s parent’s looked very concerened. The principle enquired as to what happened to her . & when princi told us we were all shocked. Nilu had about 4 holes in her heart & this needed surgery.They had corrected two , but now her body was not showing any signs of recovery.The doctors were confident that even the remaining surgeries can not save her. Nilu’s father had tried all to save her daughter . But this was their last chance. The doctors had told that she will be gone in about two days. Nobody could beleive this . I could not see her lying in the intensive care unit with all the ventilators & drips on . She had become very weak. It looked like she had almost got stuck to the bed. I did’nt want to see her . I wanted that smiling face of her’s to remain in my mind. The next day I went to see her a only to find her dead.Yes, she was dead in the morning. I had to now get over this tragedy. Everything seemed so different , so unreal . I was most myself when I was alone , or working hard . In the latter case there was pure forgetfulness , when I lapsed from consiousness . But it had to come to an end . It hurt me so, that the things had lost thier reality . The first drops of rain came. I saw the tiny drop - pearls among the grey . They would have given me the liveliest emotions at one time, now they were there but they did not seem to mean anything . In a few moments they would cease to occupy that place & just the space would be , where they had been The realest thing was the thick darkness at night . that seemed to me whole & comprehensible & restful. I could leave myself to it.Suddenly a piece of paper started near my feet & blew along the pavement. I stood still , rigid, with clenched fists, a flame of agony going over me. And I saw again the sick room , Nilu, her eyes. Unconsiously I had been with her , in her company. The swift hop of paper reminded me that she was gone. But I had been with her. I wanted everything to stand still , so that I could be again with her The days passed , the weeks. But everything seemed to have fused, gone into a conglomerated mass. I could not tell one day from another , one week from another, hardly one place from another. Nothing was distinct or distinguishable. Often I lost myself for an hour at a time & could not remember what I had done. One evening I came home late. The fan was turning slow ; every body was in bed. I increased the fan , glanced at the table , & decided that I did’nt want any supper. I sat down on the armchair. It was perfectly still. I did not know anything , yt I could feell the cool breeze air.Presently 2 mice came out , cautiously nibbling the fallen roti . I watched them as if it were from a long way off. Far away I could hear the sharp clinging of the trucks on the highway. No, it was not that they were far away . They were in thier places. But where was I myself ?. The time passed. The two mice,careering wildly,scampered cheekily over my slippers. I had not moved a muscle. I did not want to move. I was not thinking of any thing. It was easier so.There was no wrench of knowing anything .Then , from time to time , some other consciousness, working mechanically, flashed into sharp phrases.

‘’What am I doing ?’’

And out of the semi- intoxicated trance came an answer:

‘’Destroying myself’’

Then a dull, live feeling , gone in an instant , told me that it was wrong. After a while , suddenly came the question :

‘’Why wrong?’’

Again there was no answer, but a stoke of hot stubborness inside my chest resisted my own annihilation. There was sound of a heavy truck clanking down the road. Suddenly the electric light ent off; there was a brusing thud. I did noty stir.Only the mice had scuttled & the breeze ceased to exist. Then, quite mechanically & more distinctly , the conversation began again inside me.

‘’She ‘s dead. what was it all for - her struggle ?’’

That was my despair & infatuation wanting to go after her.

‘’You ‘re alive’.

‘’she ‘s not’’.

‘’She is -- in you’’ Suddenly I felt the burden of it.

‘’You have got to keep alive for her sake,’’ said the will in me. Something felt sulky , as If it would not rouse .

‘’You ‘ve got to carry forward her living , & what she had done , go on with it.’’ But I did not want to. I wanted to give up

‘’But you can go on with your studies,’’ said the will in me

‘’In that way you can keep yourself busy & also carry on her effort.’’ assured my will. I rose sudenly , went staight to bed . when I got inside my bedroom I closed the door & stood with clenched fists.

‘’ Nilu - my friend -’’ I began , with the whole force of my soul . Then I stopped . I could not say it . I would not admit that I wanted to die , to have done . I would not own that life had beaten me , or that death had had its last laugh. Life ahead looked dead as if the glow were gone out . Yet without her friendship my life would trail on lifeless. Going straight to bed I laid down

‘’ Everynight in my dreams I see you, I feel you

That is how I know you go on

Far across the distance & spaces between us

you have come to show you go on

Near , far , whereever you are I beleive that the heart does go on

Once more, you open the door &

you ‘re here in my heart & my heart will go on

There is some love that will not go away

You’re here, there is nothing I fear

And I know that my heart will go on

We’ll stay forever this way

You are safe in my heart

And my heart will go on & on....’’

There was little I could do but change over a new leaf tommorow & be my own self. There was no time now, only space BUT A VICKY WOULD ALWAYS WAIT FOR A NILU