The hyperbole police have threatened arrest, the English Department has threatened expulsion, the kids have threatened gobs of phlegm, my girlfriend has threatened to bite a little harder next time, my roommate absolutely refuses to look at me, the Friendly Typists of America have threatened to slice off my fingertips. Everywhere I turn I’m being thwarted. “Stop spouting off about the fucking Briefs already! And for fucks sake put some pants on!” is all I ever hear anymore. What is so wrong with the addiction I'm pushing? After all, there’s no vials of crack in my back pack just praise,adoration and an insatiable love for the most infectious punk rock act of the century, Seattle’s almighty Briefs. I stand bare assed and brazen, spitting and shaking my flabs; railing against the hookless media driven modern rock that wouldn’t know where to shit if it came in contact with the duct taped clad, day-glo dripping creatures known as Lance Romance (bass, vocals), Chris Brief (drums, vocals), Steve E. Nix (guitar, vocals), and Daniel J. Travanti (guitar, vocals) who, when trashed onto the same stage, flail; thrust; and burst as wide open as the Levis of a lust-torn teenage boy eyeing the stag mags at the neighborhood 7-11.
Troy Canady, newly appointed contributor to Vinyl-A-Go Go scrawled out a love letter to the Weirdos-worshipping punk rock snotbots from Seattle. They stopped spitting snot just long enough to scrawl a few dimly lit responses. Go blind below.

(Logo and naked cowboys stolen from The Briefs who stole them from someone else. Introduction by lew, interview and title by Troy Canady. Email Troy and ask him about his upcoming zine.)

When and how did the band start?

Lance Romance: Right when we got out of the "big house", we had to fulfill our hours to get off parole, so we started a band. And Chris is still my bitch.

Chris: Yeah, and it hurts soooo good.

Daniel J Travanti: As usual, right away with the complete and utter untruths.

Steve:Really it's been almost 3 years now? We started in a classic mutual love of punk rock way.

Favorite band you've played with?

LR: Soo many, I like the Real Mckenzies, TSOL was amazing and of course the legendary Damned what more can you ask for?

S:T.S.O.L.

C:Well like those guys said all the greats were...well great. Other bands I like, The Sleazies from RI, Bitchin' from FL, The Popular Shapes from Seattle, Pretty Girls Make Graves also from Seattle. I could go on forever.

DJT:I've yet to play with any band I like. But when Toto comes along, lookout!

Why does Dan kick Lance in the ass?

LR: I think he wants to do more to my ass than kick it.

S: Because I can't do it anymore. I used to but my foot got stuck once and I caught a fungus.

C: Yeah that was bad for all of us. It took us 4 hours and 2 tubs of Vaseline just to get it out. Lucky for us we carry that kind of stuff with us.

DJT: O.K., the real reason is when he hits a bad note, I give him the boot. You know, we tried positive re-enforcement, flash cards...everything...and nothing worked. Kicking him doesn't seem to work either, but it makes me feel better. That's actually a question we haven't had before, which surprises me cuz it happens alot. Thanks for noticing.

Who uses the most bleach?

LR: I think Chris bleaches his pubes.

C: I have no pubes, I'm not old enough.

S: I hope you're not talking about my hair. I take so much shit for being cursed with beautiful full-bodied blonde hair.

DJT: God does. He told me so.

How did you guys get the deal with Interscope?

S:I don't know. Luck? Stupidity? Truth is no one else who had more than ten bucks in their pocket offered us anything prior to them approaching us. We paid to make our last record.

DJT: I don't know either...we started playing a lot of shows in CA and someone found out about us and then there we were sitting in this giant living room like office sitting next to fucking John Lennon's piano, listening to us blaring on this super hi-fi stereo while people we didn't know at all tapped their feet and told us how great we were. It was weird but in the end we felt like we had to do it.

LR: and besides, Dr. Dre made us an offer we couldn't refuse.

When will the record be out, where was it recorded, blah blah...

S: It was recorded here in Seattle by our friends Marc Waterman and Martin Feveyear (Martin did our last record). It is all done but I think that it won't be in stores until early next year.

C: Yeah , but it's only coming out on Mars so if you live there you're in luck.

DJT: I think tho we are doing some new stuff in the meantime, maybe a new EP for Dirtnap and a couple of singles in the U.K. and Europe.

Are you guys worried about the Weirdos suing you all for fashion infringement?

S: Yes. Grand Funk Railroad has already sued us so I wouldn't be surprised if the Weirdos did too.

DJT: Grand Funk Railroad is the worst band name ever. What the fuck does that mean?? Jesus Christ, fuck them.

C: The Weirdos? I get my fashion ideas from grampa Brief.

LR: Sometimes I like to watch the TV while sitting 2 inches from the screen.

Any song you guys are sick of playing yet?

DJT:Yeah probably...but there’s worse things in this world to complain about, like world hunger or the smell of Lances ass for instance....

S: I'm not. At some point if you're a musician you either go and get a job with a future or you accept that you must train yourself to never believe you are sick of playing.

C: Is that what we're doing?

LR: Are you sick of any yet? We will keep playing them as long as its fun....

What is the worst band out right now?

LR: Any Emo band.

DJT: I gotta agree with Lance, I can't stand that stuff....they play so much of it around here at home no wonder there's so many suicides.....a lot of rain and some heavy depressants, mixed with whiny songs about lots of rain and heavy depressants. Please, someone get a gun.

S: How about Nelly?

Favorite cereal?

LR: Depends on my mood, cereal is my favorite of the food groups, I like the indie cereals like Peanut Butter Bumpers but I do go corporate once in a while, Raisin Bran and Cheerios, but I hate emo cereals, like oatmeal, too mushy.

S: Fuck cereal.

C: Frosted mini wheats, very good and very important on a long tour.

DJT: Peanut Butter Captain Crunch. Pirates are punk.

Have you guys heard or felt any backlash regarding the band's direction?

LR: Only stupid shit from people who don't listen to music, they spend more time worrying about what label your on. I like to listen to good music, and play in a band that has fun. Have you ever sat on a plastic seat naked? Feels good.

DJT: Truthfully now and then somebody gets really pissed we did this or that, signed to a major, ate a fruit pie, threw a rock, broke a bottle, shit in a urinal, whatever....it's just the nature of music. I'm the same way with bands I care about, I get pissed when I think they start to suck and put out shit. Hopefully we don't do that too often.....

CHRIS: Once Steve was driving and in the middle of the road he decided to shift into reverse, completely changing our direction and let me tell you, people around us were NOT happy.

Go grapple with The Briefs.