Adam�s Devotions/Journal
First Journal Entry: Saturday, December 29, 2001
Luke 4:16-30
Jesus is in the synagogue and he has yet to proclaim himself or announce his purpose in ministry.� There are two possibilities the way I see it.� First, Jesus chose the scripture for himself to read, or else it just so happened that the chosen scripture for the day was from Isaiah.� Either way, there is much meaning in the scripture that Jesus chose as the pronouncement of his earthly ministry.
The Spirit of the Lord is upon Me,
Because He has anointed Me
To preach the gospel to the poor.
First, Jesus during his earthly ministry was a proclaiming ministry.� He proclaimed good news to people.� His ministry was not about the miracles, nor was it about the physical healings, although those were aspects of his proclamation.� No, the center of his ministry on earth was found in the proclamation of truth to people, the truth that they can live a life freed from the chains of sin.
He has sent me to heal the brokenhearted,
To proclaim liberty to the captives
And recovery of sight to the blind.
Second, Jesus� ministry was a healing ministry.� His ministry was one where he physically healed people, but in another more important respect, Jesus� healing was one of spiritual healing.� Whether it was a visit with the woman at the well, a midnight visit from Nicodemus, or a rich young ruler desperately looking for answers, Jesus was a man who brought to all of these people spiritual healing.� Now, we should note that Jesus� ministry was about the healing of relationships, he could only bring the actual reconciliation through his death and cessation from life.
To proclaim the acceptable year of the Lord.
The final aspect of the scripture Jesus read, in my mind, elaborates on the other two points.� This final statement deals specifically with the fact that Jesus� ministry was to set people free; not to just make it possible for people to be set free, but an actual act of forgiving people justly, through His sacrifice.� �Without the shedding of blood there can be no forgiveness of sins.�
����������� So we see, that Jesus came to proclaim truth and freedom, that He came to heal broken bodies and broken relationships, and that He came to accomplish the work of redemption for His people, that he might actually �set at liberty those who are oppressed.�� This is the key difference between Jesus and Buddha, Jesus and Mohammed, Jesus and the Dali Lama.� These men all pointed the way but said �You�ll have to go this journey for yourself.�� But Jesus; Jesus actually brought salvation in itself, through his physical death and then drew his people to himself, unto salvation.� This is truly one of the biggest dividing forces between Christians and Jews, Christians and Muslims, etc.� Theirs are religions where we try and where we might and where it could be.� Christianity proclaims that we can�t; but He can.� We can�t save ourselves.� We can�t be righteous in and of ourselves, but Christ was righteous; an innocent man and yet he died for me!� For me, like Barabbas.� Barabbas should have been crucified, for he murdered.� Well I murdered too every time I hated my boss.� I committed adultery every time I cast a leery eye at that woman on the street.� I cursed the Lords name vehemently.� I was dead in my sin and unbelief, but Christ saved me while I was still a sinner!
����������� This could not be done by Mohammed, for he was only a mortal.� It could not be done by Moses, for He was but a servant of God, sinful himself.� But Jesus was perfect, sinning not, undeserving of death, and yet he perished in my place, a sacrifice for my sins.� WHAT GRACE!
Grace grace, God�s grace,
Grace that will pardon and cleanse within;
Grace grace, God�s grace, grace,
Greater than all of our sin.
����������� After proclaiming his mission, Christ sat down.� The scriptures say that �the eyes of all who were in the synagogue were fixed on Him.�� After a moment of apparent suspense, Christ said, �This Scripture is fulfilled in your hearing.�� The people could not believe, though, because he was from their own hometown of Nazareth; they knew him, they knew his father Joseph, and they found it utterly impossible that a young man whom they had lived around, who had played with their own children, could be their savior.� Or maybe it wasn�t so much impossible to believe as it was impossible to submit.� How could they call this younger man Lord?� How could they, old men with beards to their knees, women who had perhaps cooked meals for Jesus, Jesus� own playmates from youth perhaps, how could they bow to him and call him Lord?
����������� His words sounded blasphemous in their ears, and Jesus knew it.� When he saw their hearts, he said �No prophet is accepted in his own country,� comparing himself to Elijah who had to flee from his own home country, even though he was indeed a prophet come from God.
����������� It was Jesus� proclamation of himself combined with his comparison of himself to Elijah which burned within them, causing anger and unbelief.� Their hearts were hardened and all they heard was blasphemy.� The penalty under mosaic law for blasphemy was death.� Therefore, the townspeople carried Jesus to the edge of the town cliff to throw him off.� Suddenly, another of Jesus� miracles took place, perhaps, in my mind, one of the first miracles he would have performed.� He passed through a crowd of perhaps hundreds who were trying to kill him �and He went His way.�
����������� Where Jesus is rejected, he moves on.� He is not a God who begs, he is not a God who is weak and helpless.� When unbelief and hardness is present, Christ is not desperate.� He simply travels on to the next town.
Sunday, December 30, 2001
1 Corinthians Chapter 8
����������� Paul is writing to the believers in Corinth, an immoral city in southern Greece.� This section of scripture I find to be particularly important because it emphasizes the law of conscience in the believer�s life.� Paul says that if you eat meat that has been sacrificed to an idol, we all know you are eating nothing other than meat.� Yet he also recognizes that some do not think of it that way and that they feel they would be sinning to eat the meat.
����������� Therefore, he instructs those who know better than that to �beware lest somehow this liberty of yours become a stumbling block to those who are weak� (v. 9).� He speaks of how if a believer has to choose between truth and showing love to fellow believers, the Christian should choose love.� He concludes this section by saying, �Therefore, if food makes my brother stumble, I will never again eat meat, lest I make my brother stumble� (v. 13).
�����������
Monday, December 31, 2001
Ephesians 1:3-12
The greatest truth we will ever know is that our God is a God who saves.� He is not simply a God who is satisfied to merely make it possible for the lost human race to be saved, but He is a God who took the initiative millennia ago before the earth was even created, choosing out from the damned human race a multitude in whom He would show the riches of His glory.
By doing this how would the riches of His glory be shown?� By manifesting his justice and holiness first and foremost in the death of the wicked.� For He says in His Word �the soul who sins shall perish.�� He was not simply talking about a physical death, for there is life beyond even the grave.� God created the human race knowing that many would perish justly in Hell.� But He also had designed a plan far in advance, having chosen His people for eternal life in Him; not because of any good thing we had done, but because of His incomprehensible grace.
God owes nothing to any man, for He says in His Word �I will have compassion on whom I will have compassion� (Rom. 9:15).� Commenting on this verse, Calvin says �By this oracle the Lord declared that He is debtor of none of mankind, and whatever He gives is a gratuitous benefit, and then that his kindness is free, so that He confers it on whom He pleases.�� You see, the potter is free!� (Rom. 9:21)� He freely chose us, that is, He chose us by no requirement of Himself.� He didn�t have to save anyone.� That is what is so grand about our God.� He does not have to save, and yet He does.� Let our hearts rise up to praise the God who saves!
Friday, January 4, 2002
Acts 17:22-34
����������� Greece was the intellectual and philosophical center of the ancient world.� Paul is invited from some people to come to Mars Hill in Athens which was a place for philosophers to gather and speak on different matters.� This day, Paul was speaking of a completely foreign philosophy/religion to the people of Greece.
����������� In this religion, instead of having a different god for each thing which happened, there was only one God causing all things to happen.� An all-powerful God was a new idea to the people of Athens.� Paul, several days before, noticed an abundance of idols and was greatly upset by them (17:16).
����������� He uses the language of the times in addressing his audience by referring to idols he has seen, telling them that the God who created the universe and everything in it also has �determined their preappointed times and the boundaries of their dwellings.�� He tells them, �For in Him we live and move and have our being.�� He then quotes Epimnides, Cleanthes, and Aratus: some of the Greeks own poets.
����������� This demonstrated Paul�s education which extended far outside of Israel, but also to the much broader ancient world.� It also helped people to be more receptive to what he was saying.� This way, they were not just believing some strange Jewish religion, but in a God who extended to all nations.� These Greeks would not have to change their identity in order to become Christians, but they could maintain their cultural heritage while also being a follower of Christ.
����������� Paul moves on from simply God and His nature to speak about Christ Himself and how God will judge the world through Christ and that God raised Christ from the dead as a sign of this.
����������� At the mention of raising from the dead, the audience is divided.� The one half thought it a ridiculous notion, but the other half thought it sounded extremely interesting.� Some of the philosophers invited Paul to come back and speak some more, but I am pretty sure that Acts never refers to Paul�s return to Mars Hill.
����������� There is much to learn from Paul�s approach to evangelism.� We are so used to witnessing to people who are quite familiar with the concept of God, sin, and Jesus, that we often take that for granted.�� But Paul was speaking to a genuinely polytheistic audience and he oh so brilliantly witnesses in the maximum effective way.� We have much to learn from Paul.
Thursday, January 10, 2002
����������� Last night, I had the most amazing moment.� It seems that all my life up to this point I have searched for the sensation, the feeling, the moment that I experienced last night.
����������� I took my guys group at the Free Mo to the basketball courts and we played ball for about an hour.� At one point during the game I was at the opposite end of the court just watching the guys shoot the ball, rebound, dunk, yell, and laugh.� At that moment, just a moment, it seemed like time stood still.� It sounds cheesy, but nothing mattered at that moment.� My jobs just fell away, my bills just faded out, even how I was going to get home mattered nothing.� I was struck by an overwhelming sense of d�j� vu.� As though I had seen this moment before.
����������� I realized that it was like reliving those wondrous nights of my childhood when A.J. and I would play basketball at the courts across my house.� The feelings that came back were memories of a time when life was a lot easier and I had much less to worry about.� I didn�t have car payments.� Heck, I couldn�t even drive.� I didn�t worry about girls because they were gross and had cooties.� I remember just hanging out with my friends; and they weren�t just friends because we decided, �I need a friend.� He looks nice!�� But I had my friends because we were just a bunch of guys who didn�t care, but we wanted to have fun.
����������� I would stay up until 2 am playing football on the Sega or playing Ninja Turtles or something, get up at 9 or 10 and ride back to my house for some of mom�s homemade biscuits and gravy.� In the afternoon I�d go to the pool all day, come home with a light sunburn, and then call my friends again to see what they were doing.� We�d spend the evening watching wrestling or playing more of those fun video games.� Oh, what carefree times.� What times of joy those days were.
����������� I may never see them again, but then again, I can have moments like last night, like now, when I relive those days.� When I remember a time that once was, when life was free, cares were very few, and friends abounded.� I can remember the days of my youth and hold them close, for many in this world do not have the perfect youth I had.� Some are abused, some are murdered before even being born, and some just can�t seem to find any friends.� I had none of those problems, and for that, O Lord, I am eternally grateful.
����������� Lord, thank you for the grace you have given to me in my life.� Your grace is shown through the memories you have given me, for the friends I had, Lord, and for the free gift of salvation, which first brought me to You and into an even deeper level of existence.� You are God forever praised, Amen.
January 24th, 2002
�There is a struggle that happens in the heart
of every believer who wants to please Christ with his life.� It is one which my heart is enduring even as
we speak.� It is this struggle which I
desire to speak about.
It is the desire
of my heart to fulfill the law of God, to please God and not think things that
disappoint Him.� My heart desires
holiness!� Not simply salvation.� Salvation can only take you so far.� What I want is a pure heart.� A heart that is after God's own heart.� I want the center of my desires and the
driving force of my life to come first and foremost a heart that is purified by
Christ.� I know I am saved, but God is
taking away my contentment with just being saved.� It is easy to delve into deep theology thinking that you'll learn
some new thing that will revolutionize your life, but as U2 sang, "I still
haven't found what I'm looking for."
There is something
in me that wants more.� What joy I would
have if only I could pray each day, crying out to God from a heart that's pure
and undefiled.� A heart that is
not penetrated by the daily filth encountered in life.� We who believe on Christ and know ourselves
to be saved by the grace of God alone have nothing to fear of the fires of
Hell.� We may live in peace knowing that
we are in Christ.
I immersed myself
in difficult theology, thinking that it would satisfy the longings of my
heart.� Even as we speak, I consider the
wondrous doctrines of grace, which I have spent so long studying, and I really
feel nothing but emptiness.� It is a
hard thing to admit this.� I have never
told anyone of the emptiness.� Oh sure,
the emptiness is filled for a time when one is deep in thought, caught up in
rapturous feelings of God's grace, but that feeling passes and one is left to
himself and God once again.
And I find myself
lying, telling myself that I'm fine and God's fine, and I'm okay because I'm
saved.� But I won't allow myself to
acknowledge the hole in my heart.� The
hole doesn't come from a fear of Hell, but from a knowledge that God seems more
distant from me than the Andromeda Galaxy is from our own Milky Way.� There was a time when I knew God very well,
but I've forced myself to do my devotions quickly in the mornings, thinking
that I will receive the same blessings in my heart that I always did when I
spent more time with the Lord.� What a
lie I've told myself.
God, I'm tired of
empty, powerless, unloving Christianity.�
I am tired of being satisfied with that!
I laugh at dirty
jokes at work.� I look at women as they
pass by when my eyes are Arryn's alone.�
I think angry thoughts about the driver in front of me.� I am easily annoyed by old people.� I don't love people anymore.� I no longer see them as creations of God,
but as obstacles or a means to fulfill a particular theological or political
position on my part.� I speed.� I get short with Arryn and yell,
sometimes.� Lustful thoughts often drift
in, whereas they used to be turned away by your Spirit.� I enjoy crude and often vulgar humor, no
longer living out of a clean heart that is forgiven, living in thankful
obedience to God.� Now, knowing that I
am forgiven, I live life casually, not caring that Christ died for me, simply
thankful that I am not going to Hell.
I know I am saved.
I desire
more.� I want to live in the power of
God, no longer a bad man, but a righteous man that others can admire.� Only You can help me, Lord.� Please invade my life!!!!!
6/14/02
What Pleases Man?
Certainly the Biblical answer to this question is that only God can please man.� But there is one nagging question which lies behind the question, and that is, what is meant by �please�?� We can be so confident and cock-sure when a question such as this arises that we don�t even pause for a moment to really ask ourselves what is really going on here.
����������� Man is lost, man is looking, man is seeking out something to please him, to fulfill him, in the process creating endless diversions.� A diversion is something that distracts us from the true task at hand.� This is what we fill our life with: diversions.� We use them every time we watch a movie or play a video game.� We engage in diversions when we go out to eat or gather with friends.� Diversions divert us from something.� I believe that the diversions we fill our lives with are actually an aspect of our fleshly nature attempting to keep us from what can really please and fulfill our lives: our soul�s quest for God.
����������� Consider, whenever you take part in a diversion, what COULD I be doing?� I could be studying the scripture or learning how to pray as I never have before.� But most often times, I opt for blowing something up or watching people dance.� Now, don�t get me wrong, I think that diversions and amusements are something that even God takes delight in.� Even God gave Adam and Eve more to do than just sit around and meditate all day.� He gave them tasks and another person to have relationship with BESIDES Him.� Thus, I am not here to condemn diversions or amusements.
����������� What I would really like to zero-in on here, however, in respect to diversions, is that question of what exactly we are being diverted from.� In the most literal sense, we are being diverted from boredom, to some, for if we weren�t watching television, we probably would just sit there and be bored.
����������� The other sense in which I speak of diversions, or the other answer, rather, is that we are diverted from other things that we could be doing.� For example, at this moment I sit on the couch typing on the computer, but I could be doing many things: working and making money, driving around, reading my Bible, buying groceries, etc...� But of all of the options I had when I woke up this morning, I chose this option because I desired it more.� Jonathan Edwards says that the human will always chooses the desire which is strongest and follows that desire.� If that is true, I obviously wanted to type this essay more than all the rest of my options.
7/16/02
How easy it can be to slip into spiritual apathy, to live a spiritually tired life.� You go one week and you�re trying so hard, digging into the Word so much, and then the next week comes around and you�re doing the same.� But at the end of a month you have nothing left.� I haven�t done my devotions for 3 days now, which is really bizarre for me.� I�m always in the Word.� The only time I dove in this week was to write the lesson for the Youth Group on Wednesday at Pleasant Hill.
I try to pray and I want to pray, but somehow it just doesn�t come out.� I sin and ask God to forgive me, but just as quickly I realize I am not truly sorry, but I can�t muster the strength anymore to as God to truly convict me and bring a holy sorrow for my sin.� I know that I am just going through a valley right now and that I often learn more in the valleys than I do during my mountaintop excursions into the Spiritual highlands.
I�ve started reading again.� I started reading Dostoevsky�s Notes from the Underground last night.� He�s a very talented writer.� I suppose I should finish The Brothers Karamazov before moving onto another book, but Brothers is such a long book!� It�s around 700+ pages!� You really have to be in the mood to read that book if you�re going to get far through it.� I think my favorite character is either Father Zosima of Alyosha, but I�m not sure yet since I�m only 40% through the book.
Work is going rather well.� I work very hard.� It�s gotten me raises, and I can now see them paying off with larger paychecks.� We need to begin saving money for the move in next August when I return to school at only God-knows-where.
I�m very excited about getting the newest Dave Matthews Band album which comes out today.� I hope it isn�t disappointing!
July 19, 2002
Marriage can be a big challenge sometimes.� Here, you have two people who were born in sin and who are so obviously selfish individuals, fighting for their way.� You have two people who are supposed to always give up their will for the will of the other, which, if you could do that, would guarantee no more fighting or quarreling.� But that is not the case.� The two can remember for awhile and even for months, but eventually one is not going to get what they want and decide to �stand up� for themselves, setting off a vicious chain of blame, guilt, and digging up the things that the other wanted but never actually got, either.
I find in my marriage that the hardest verse in the entire Bible to follow is Paul�s command in Ephesians: �Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her�� So husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies; he who love his wife loves himself.�� These verses are accompanied by commands for the wives to respect their husbands, as well.� It seems that the husband�s servant hood is easy enough to carry out when his wife loves and respects him and that she finds it quite easy to love and respect him when he is being a servant who gives all up for her.� I know that the root of our conflict is each other wanting our own way.� If only I could lay aside my will and do everything to please Arryn, then the conflict would leave.
Lord, give us a good anniversary weekend.� Help us to grow closer.
August 6th, 2002
Mark 12:34
�Now when Jesus saw that the young man answered wisely, He said to him, �You are not far from the kingdom of God.��
To me, this is very fascinating.� It is fascinating that Jesus tells this scribe he is not far from the kingdom of God.� It is fascinating that he tells ANY of the Jews that they are not far from the kingdom of God.� The Jews of Christ�s time were so focused on the outside that they ignored the heart.� That�s what this section is about, I think.
The young man is curious and asks Jesus what the greatest commandment.� When Jesus tells him to love God first and love his neighbor as himself, instead of scorning or laughing at Jesus, he nods his head in fascination, taking in Jesus� words.� He found himself genuinely agreeing with what Christ said.� I say it was genuine, because if it wasn�t, Jesus would have known and would not have said what he then said to the scribe.� �You are not far from the kingdom of God.�
Jesus has spent so much time trying to show those around him that if you obey the law, but do not have love while you are obeying it, it is like you are not obeying the law at all.� In truth, they were obeying the letter of the law, but not the intended spirit in which it was written.� The law said it is wrong to murder, because it is taking of another life we should not have the right to take, but also because of the hate that accompanies murder, and the malice and anger that it takes to kill.� There is a damaged heart wherever sin takes place.� This is true, not only because it is a damaged heart who is murdering or stealing, but because God�s heart is hurt when we sin (though it does not change Him in the ultimate sense), and our sin affects not only us, but also those around us.
Why was this man not far from the kingdom of God?� First, he knew that Jesus held the answers.� Second, he understood that it is love that fulfills the law.� Third, he was willing to admit that maybe he didn�t know all the answers.� What was missing for him to come into the kingdom?� He would have to receive Christ after his death and resurrection.� Could he believe such a thing?� That is something only God knows, because His Word is silent on the fate of this man who was not far from the kingdom of God.
August 24, 2002
Matthew 23:1-4
�The scribes and Pharisees sit in Moses� seat.� Therefore whatever they tell you to observe, that observe and do, but do not do according to their works; for they say, and do not do.� For they bind heavy burdens, hard to bear, and lay them on men�s shoulders; but they themselves will not move them with one of their fingers.�
To Jesus, this subject was so important that He actually used these verses to introduce His famous pronouncement of woes upon the scribes and Pharisees.� It seems that this statement really does sum up all of Jesus� sentiments about what they were doing and how they were living their lives.
Brennan Manning�s book The Ragamuffin Gospel is, I believe, the most important book I have ever read, hands down.� Did I ever really understand the Gospel?� I know that I grasped it.� Did I really understand the Gospel, the true Gospel?� I think I understood it insofar as I knew that I didn�t have to do anything to earn my salvation.� But look at those words.� How many times have we said that exact same phrase? ��It doesn�t mean anything to us anymore.� The moment that I joined my church and promised to abstain from tobacco and alcohol, I had taken the first step towards legalism once again.� I was placing myself under the laws of man and removing myself from the Law of the Spirit and conscience.
Manning�s book may not be taken so well by many, especially those who are quick, after the Gospel is presented, to say, �You aren�t saved by your good works, only by Jesus Christ, BUT, you do need to do what God said in the Old Testament.�
Why are we so preoccupied with the �BUT�?� We have to add the BUT in there because it makes us feel like we aren�t just throwing away God�s law.� Here is my new sentiment on this subject: When we present the Gospel, we don�t tell them that they have to obey the law or even learn how to make Jesus happy.� If God�s Spirit really has a hold on their hearts, when the time comes to grow and mature, they will learn what God wants them to do, without imposing laws and burdens upon them.
As I was saying, Manning�s book presents the TRUE Gospel.� The Gospel of Freedom.� Freedom from fear, freedom from doubt, freedom from burdens and falacteries and long prayers, freedom from trying to make God proud or earn more of His love.� The true Gospel is a Gospel of freedom to love God from a genuine heart, a freedom to present ourselves to others as we really are, freedom to grow because the mask is gone, freedom to really know who we are and stop lying to ourselves, freedom to forgive others immediately, not because the Bible tells us to, but because we are in the same sinful predicament as those who wrong us.
I am not done with this book yet, but I know that when I am a pastor, my message will be that of salvation through faith with no strings attached, encouraging people to get lost in the awesome love of God, who is always chasing us because He loves us.
Sunday, August 25, 2002
�You know, in spite of the fact that Christianity speaks of the cross, redemption, and sin, we�re unwilling to admit failure in our life.� Why?� Partly because it�s human nature�s defense mechanism against its own inadequacies.� But even more so, it�s because of the successful image our culture demands of us.�
-Brennan Manning; The Ragamuffin
Gospel, Pg. 169-
Freedom.
What is Freedom?
How does the Gospel bring Freedom?
Has the Gospel brought Freedom to me?
I renounce sin and all of its trappings.� It has only brought me heart-ache and separation.
It has been a year and a half since I have written in this computerized journal, and of all the things I have had change in my life, one thing I can easily say, has not.� I am still a wicked man, dominated by my love of sin rather than my love of God.� Lord, HOW can I get to a place where I take all of my energy and instead of utilizing it for my flesh�s wicked purposes, I channel it towards a life dominated by You?� I don�t want to be a house divided, I want to be wholly yours, without reservation.� My flesh is weak, and I am badly ashamed of who I am, and what I do.� I am glad I have these journals.� I can look back over my past years to times of stronger faith and see what I did when times like these came upon me.� Particularly I think I will find the August 24th entry to be encouraging.
Daily I�m
constrained to be!
Let Thy goodness,
like a fetter,
Bind my wandering
heart to Thee;
Prone to wander,
Lord I feel it,
Prone to leave the
God I love;
Here�s my heart, O
take and seal it;
Seal it for Thy courts above.
By now, I have learned to stop apologizing to this journal � whose feelings are not in the least hurt by my inattention.� Sure, I haven�t written here in a long time, but it�s the quality of the entries, not the number, right?
I am sick and tired of myself, of my inability to control my lust, and most importantly, I am sick of my nonchalant attitude towards the things of God.� It is really hard to make yourself care about something when the motive is just not there.� What am I supposed to think or do?� Can I just change the way I feel?� No, but I can continue to meditate on Truth.� When my motive and desire are gone, I am torn between what I perceive to be the �Christian� attitude of not performing an action without the motive being there, and doing what is right � namely, concentrating on God, reading His word, etc. � when all I want to do is pay attention to myself for five more minutes!
Maybe I will just do what I always do � live in nonchalance for the next few days until I begin to experientially sense my loneliness and then go to God with a real motive that is pure and needy.� Yes, I think that sounds perfectly reasonable�
I need someone to pray for me � sometimes, you just don�t care enough to pray for yourself anymore.� What a depressing journal entry!
What a bitter pill communion can be when you harbor sin in your heart and have not repented of that sin.� As I held the bread and the wine in my hand, so many emotions entered my mind!� I thought of how loosely I have regarded my sins against the holy God, this week.� I have been very lax and careless, thinking of my sin as unavoidable, I have stopped avoiding it!� This was a wicked thing for me to do, and demonstrates a lapse in my response to Scripture�s commands.
As I took the wine, thoughts of sin entered my mind, and it was as if I had immediately defiled the sacrament.� But then I considered the perfect parallel with my actual Christian walk.� God forgives me every day, even when my lusts and tempers spill over with wickedness.� I constantly am forgiven, even when I constantly sin with no effort at all to cease in that sin.
I took the body anyway, and felt deep shame and need, intermingled together.� Shame for my sin, and need for an undeserved forgiveness from them.� What a bitter pill communion was today.� I love God in my mind, and hate Him in my actions, and I am most ashamed that I need desperately forgiveness for that.� I know that God will forgive the most wicked of sinners, but will He forgive the most wicked among His saints?
-Those who are consistently wicked?
-Those who fail to turn?
-Those who have stopped trying, due to frustration?
-Those saints whose lusts never cease?
-Those saints who follow those lusts?
But what of His saints who are concerned of this matter, as I am?� It is this deep concern within my soul on this very matter that convinces me still, that I remain His child, for a child of the devil would not be troubled by these inconsistencies.
Words of comfort!
Thus says the Lord,
The Lord and your God,
Who pleads the cause of His people:
�See, I have taken out of your hand
The cup of trembling,
The dregs of the cup of my fury;
You shall no longer drink it.�
-Isaiah 51:22-
It has been such a long time since I simply read the Scriptures.� I have been so foolish: look at these words of comfort that the Lord has given me, and I have consistently ignored him for quite some time!
��He honors those who fear the Lord;
He who swears to his own hurt and does not change.�
-Psalm 15:4-
�Lord, who may abide in Your tabernacle?�
He who speaks truth in his heart.�
-Psalm 15:2-
�My goodness is nothing apart from You.�
-Psalm 16:2-
These verses from David really encourage me a great deal in my need to live a righteous life.� The first two verses implore us to remain absolutely steadfast in keeping our oaths and promises.� The second one, especially, embraces the (some would say New Testament) idea of total honesty and nakedness of the heart before God.� This is a concept that I think I have been learning a great deal and emphasizing in all of my interactions with other Christians: what can be harder than to stand before God as a sinful person?� Our defense mechanism is to minimize our sin, tell ourselves we have not sinned as much as we think we have, and to keep what sins we have committed from our brethren in the Lord.� All we are doing is piling camouflage over our filth, but as long as we remain dishonest about it, we will never know freedom from that filth.� I also like the last verse, because it is to encourage us that only by divine grace do we ever please God (even in the most microscopic sense).
I seem to have been so consumed with the fact that I am saved, and that I don�t have to (in the strictest sense) fulfill the law, that I have neglected even a rudimentary love of the Law of God.� My heart feels very condemned because of this attitude, and I know that this was wrong of me.
I have begun morning routines of Scripture-reading again, and I can already tell that I am much more spiritually inclined than I was when I was neglecting the Scriptures.� It is so easy to get into a rut and equate reading Christian books and theology with reading Scripture: but they are vastly different, and I can now see that.
Let me conclude with one of Jonathan Edwards� resolutions:
�Resolution 25.� Resolved, To examine carefully and constantly, what this one thing in me is, which causes me in the least to doubt the love of God; and so direct all my forces against it.�