Disclaimer: The characters and situations of the TV program Battlestar Galactica are the creations of SciFi, RDM, DE and many others and have been used without permission. No copyright infringement is intended by the authors. The ideas expressed in this story are copyrighted by the author.

One Wish ~ BSGaddict

“If you could have one wish,” said Hot Dog, pouring the last drops of the Chief’s home brew into his glass, “what would it be?”

“That Gaeta would finish his turn before the year is out,” said Racetrack, glaring at the CIC officer, who was debating over his cards.

“No, seriously,” said Hot Dog, as Gaeta finally made his bet. “If you were granted a wish, like in one of those old folk stories. One wish that could come true, no matter how impossible. What would you choose?”

Silence fell for a moment over the card table before Racetrack broke it with a laugh. “That’s easy. I’d wish for an enormous bar of chocolate. All to myself.”

“An unlimited supply of ambrosia,” said Gaeta.

“Lollipops,” said Helo with a wink.

“What about you, sir?” Hot Dog asked Apollo, who was frowning over his cards. “What would you wish for?

Apollo looked up and grinned. “I’d wish that you’d find a cure for your snoring, Hot Dog. Maybe then the rest of us could get some sleep.”

Everyone burst out laughing.

----

The card game broke up not long after that. Lee could tell that despite the laughter, Hot Dog’s idle talk about wishes had sparked off uncomfortable thoughts in all of them. Wishes were dangerous things these days. Under all the jokes about chocolate and ambrosia were the dark shadows of the unspoken if-onlys - that the Colonies were still whole, that loved ones were still alive.

It was best not to think about wishes.

But Lee still found himself doing that as he headed towards his rack. If he could have one wish fulfilled, what would it be?

He didn’t have to think very hard. He knew exactly what he would wish for, although he doubted anyone would ever guess what it was.

It wasn’t any of the obvious things. Wasn’t that they’d managed to kill off all the Cylons with that virus, or that the Cylons had never found New Caprica, or that the Cylons had never been created at all.

It wasn’t that the Colonies had never been destroyed.

It wasn’t that he’d never had to destroy the Olympic Carrier, or see his father shot in front of him, or sacrifice the Pegasus.

It wasn’t even that he’d stayed awake that night on New Caprica and had a chance to stop Kara from leaving him.

No, if he had one wish, he’d wish that Zak was still alive. He’d wish for his brother back.

****

Zak’s only three years younger, so Lee can’t really remember life without him. His little brother has always been there, trailing after him, running to catch up, wanting to join in everything he does, watching him with wide eyes.

Lee puts on a good show of grudging reluctance, rolling his eyes impatiently and telling Zak he can only come along if he doesn’t get in the way. Of course he always does get in the way, but Lee’s always there to pull him out of trouble.

Secretly he doesn’t mind Zak tagging along. When your father can only find the time to see you a few weeks out of every year and your mother tells you to your face that you’re a mistake that ruined her life, it’s nice to have someone who actually wants to spend time with you. Who looks at you with admiration and love.

He never stops being grateful to Zak for that. For being the one constant in his life, the one person in the family whose affection he can rely on.

Twenty years later, in the War College commander’s office, staring blindly into the old man’s pitying face as the terrible words echo round his brain, he simply can’t believe it at first. Can’t believe that Zak could be gone. Because Zak has always been there, always. Lee simply can’t picture his life without him.

But he has to.

Lee repays Zak by protecting him from their parents. When their father makes yet another apologetic call, misses yet another birthday, Lee makes up excuses, softens the blow. Tries to fill in for his absence by teaching Zak to play pyramid and cheering him on from the sidelines.

When their mother is in one of her bad phases, Lee makes sure Zak has clean clothes for school and a hot dinner in the evening. He gets Zak out of the house to stay with friends when she’s drunk, or makes sure he stays in his room with the music turned up loud, so he can’t hear her screaming at Lee. He doesn’t want her saying any of those things to Zak.

Not that she would. After all, Zak’s the child she chose to have. Not the unwanted mistake that forced her into an unhappy marriage and a military life that didn’t suit her. And Zak is the one who can make her laugh, who can coax her out of even the blackest of moods. Lee just makes her angrier, even if he stays silent, as if he irritates her just by breathing.

Sometimes Lee is so jealous of Zak he could choke on it. Why couldn’t he be the younger one, the protected one, the carefree one, the favourite? The envy swells up inside him like a cancer.

But then Zak will say: “Lee will know how to do that. He knows everything,” and turn to smile at him with that old hero worship in his eyes, and the envy bursts and drains away, leaving only guilt behind.

At the funeral, as the priest drones through the formal words, Lee looks round at his father, at his mother, at Kara, at the terrible grief on their faces, and thinks that it would be better for everyone if he had been the one who died. Then he looks at Zak’s smiling face in the photograph and is disgusted with himself for being so selfish.

Zak follows Lee in everything. He picks the same classes at school, plays the same sports, takes up the same hobbies. When Lee decides to apply for Fleet Academy, both to get his father’s attention and to annoy his mother, Zak announces he’s going to apply too, as soon as he’s old enough. When he does, Lee has moved on to flight school, and set a new challenge. When Lee gets his viper wings and their father for once appears for the ceremony, he can see the envy and determination in Zak’s eyes.

At the wake, Lee wishes he had never got those wings. Wishes he hadn’t encouraged Zak to follow him in everything. He should have shown Zak that there was another life beyond flying and the military. Helped him to find a path that suited him, instead of following unquestioningly in his father’s and brother’s footsteps.

But he didn’t. Because Zak’s desire to copy him flattered him and gratified him as it always had. Because it didn’t matter if Zak was the favourite, the most loved, if Zak wanted to be like him.

Lee never forgives himself for that. He blames his father, but he blames himself more. Because he failed to protect Zak in this one thing, when it really mattered, and he should have done.

****

Yes, if Lee had one wish, he would wish Zak alive again. He would wish for another chance with his brother, and get it right this time.

Because Zak was the most important person in his life. And he’ll never stop missing him.