Disclaimer: The characters and situations of the TV
program Battlestar Galactica are the creations of SciFi,
Out of Context ~ Apollo’s Lady
Lee rolled his neck to dispel the tension growing there. It wasn’t enough, so he rolled his shoulders as well. It was an awkward motion and not fulfilling as he carried the bulky clipboard still.
“We’re almost through, sir.” Chief Galen Tyrol felt the Major’s condition as well. “I think.” He quietly added as he flipped through the remaining few pages on his own board. His face contorted. “Permission to speak freely, sir?”
Lee chuckled. “Chief, we’ve been stuck doing this inventory for two days. No need to ask, it’s granted.”
Lee nodded in agreement. “Aren’t we the lucky ones? We get to crawl all over the ship for days making sure every item is clearly documented.”
The chief let out an exasperated sigh. “We’re being punished for leaving her alone for all that time.”
Lee smirked. “You maybe… I was on my own ship.”
“Maybe she’s seeking revenge for the loss of her sister?”
Lee waved him off. “Hey, it’s not every Major who gets promoted to commander and then loses his ship in less than two years.”
Although Apollo had tried to keep the tone of failure from
his voice, he’d failed.
Lee looked chagrined. He hadn’t expected the defense from the chief. “We had to get Nick off the planet, right?”
Lee returned his smile, but it grew sarcastic as his eyebrows raised. “And I was so smart; I had all the extra supplies transferred off the Beast, so we could inventory them now.”
Lee nodded. “Of course.” He made a check on his file and pointed to the crate before him. “For example, it says here, Hotdog checked this box in.” He paused to recheck his information. “And of course, he moved it here, not C deck where it belongs.”
Noxinitron was a dire gas. The arguments for its continued use were moot now that society had been reduced to its most basic needs; they no longer had a choice. However, no one liked having it or even a supply of it around.
He checked off the cylinders and moved on to the next items. He listened vaguely to the shuffle of steps in front of him. Every inventory was double checked by an officer these days, especially with the recent chaos. He didn’t take it as an insult, just another necessary evil. The fleet couldn’t risk losing any precious resources. In the first hours he and Major Adama worked in silence. Now, as the time wore on, they loosened up.
The silence wasn’t awkward, nor was the humor. It was two men doing their jobs. Lee set the clipboard down on a crate and arched his back to stretch. The neck and shoulder rolls hadn’t helped. He’d hardly gotten off CAP when the Chief found him. They’d planned the inventory for now. He hadn’t planned on having to take Snot’s patrol. He hadn’t eaten, hadn’t slept much and hadn’t showered in far too long. His mood wasn’t improved at his future prospects either. Once he finished, he had his own duties to complete and best of all, a command meeting with the Admiral and the President. He picked the clipboard back up. If he could speed this along, he might be able to grab a snack before the meeting.
His subconscious mind picked up the screeches and hoots from just outside the door. Someone was having fun while he worked. It did nothing to improve his disposition. When he heard someone scream Snot’s name, he was tempted to drop the clipboard and thunder like the CAG he could be. It had been weeks since he’d raged on one of his pilots. He shrugged it off. It just didn’t seem worth it. He refocused on his work instead. Let someone else deal with the goof-offs. He’d done enough already.
“Must be nice not to have responsibilities, huh?”
Lee snorted and nodded. “Rough.” He thought for a moment. “I’ll pay them back, no worries. Snot won’t see daylight for a month when I’m through with him.”
“Daylight? What’s that?”
“That’s why we call them nuggets.”
In that moment the action exploded into the storeroom. Snot was chasing Gimp into the room and a throng of people fell in behind them. All chaos broke loose. Materials were spilling everywhere. No one heard the chief as he shouted for order and demanded the pilots leave.
“LOCK IT UP!” Lee’s roar couldn’t be missed and all action immediately ceased. “GET OUT NOW and be prepared for incredibly painful extra duties.”
Gimp tried to right a few items that had gone astray, but it
was evident she had no idea what she was doing.
Snot was still in the room attempting to make it up to the CAG. He was moving boxes that didn’t need moving and creating an even bigger nightmare.
Lee exploded this time. “DROP THE BOX AND GET OUT!”
Snot snapped straight and stammered incoherent words. At the last second, he dropped the box he was carrying and it landed directly on top of a cylinder of noxinitron.
Lee watched everything happen in slow motion but his mind was five clicks ahead. He lunged forward, shoving Snot handily into the Chief. Both men fell out the hatch. Before he could follow suit, the tank had slammed into the deck and the control valve broke off, flying across the room. The air chilled and the only sound was the hiss of the escaping gas. Too late, Lee’s brain cut off his breathing and he surged across the spray of gas.
The chief’s eyes were filled with panic. Despite his heart’s urging, he pulled Snot away and slammed the hatch shut. He turned to call for supplies, but Snot got in his face and screamed. “The CAG’s IN THERE!”
In seconds, an oxygen mask and small tank were thrust into the Chief’s hands. He swung the tank onto his back and slipped the mask over his mouth and nose. Cally, having sensed what had happened, urged everyone back and ordered one of the other deck hands to increase the air scrubbers in that region.
Once everyone had backed off,
Chief looked up and saw Cally helping him. He coughed. “Call CIC.” He closed his eyes and prayed. Major Adama didn’t deserve this. Neither of the Adamas did. He wondered if the Galactica would ever be the same again.
* B * S * G *
Adama reached life station in all haste. He didn’t bother to wait for a medic or nurse to catch him up, he moved right to the curtained area. Nothing was keeping him from his son. He didn’t really need an update from Doctor Cottle. Tigh told him all he needed to know in one simple, quietly spoken sentence. “A noxinitron canister erupted with Lee in the room.” Adama hadn’t waited for more.
Just before stepping through the heavy vinyl curtain strips, Adama stopped and took a deep breath. He’d seen these cases before. It was one of the ugliest things a human could endure. He needed to steel his heart to see his son, the victim.
As he stepped through, he wished he could close his eyes and ignore the image that greeted him. Lee was pale, but not lifeless. His body was strapped to the gurney in three locations. The restraints only served to emphasize the twitching that jerked through his body. A different part of his son’s body was writhing in pain at any given moment as the spasms of pain swelled back and forth through his body. Small gasps and moans escaped Lee’s lips and his head tossed back and forth against the cushion.
There was no pillow. It couldn’t be risked. If his head snapped in just the right way, it would cause further injury. Even the restraints were a risk. Victims of this poisoning frequently broke bones from the violent seizures that would follow. Doctors had to balance the use of bindings very carefully. Although such incidents were rare, Adama trusted his chief medical officer to do what was best.
Adama watched carefully as the medical staff hovered around his son. He knew they were monitoring Lee; however, he couldn’t help but wonder if they utterly missed the fact his lips were turning blue. “He can’t breath.”
Cottle glanced at Adama and then Lee. He noted instantly the change in Lee’s pallor. “Tube him, NOW!” Cottle audaciously shoved the Admiral out of the area.
Adama growled at the bold move, but knew he needed to comply. Cottle could make this experience a nightmare if he wanted. If Adama argued now, he’d pay the price. Adama shook his head at his thoughts. Cottle could make this a nightmare? It already was. He was no fool. Lee… His heart seized on him. Lee was going to endure the battle of his life and there wasn’t a damn thing his father could do to help, nothing.
Cottle emerged an eternity later. “Phase one has begun.”
Adama was immediately annoyed at the uninformative report. “Phase one?” There was no mistaking the annoyance in his tone.
“We’ll have him on oxygen for a few days to clear his lungs out.” Cottle rummaged through his various pockets in obvious search of a cigarette.
“Will the oxygen nullify the toxin?” Adama asked optimistically.
Cottle glared at him, himself now annoyed at the Admiral’s stupid question. “Oh yeah, we won’t have any other issues to resolve now.”
Adama growled. Cottle cut him off before he could explode. “You know this crap. It’s earned its reputation. I know I don’t really have to remind you of standard treatments.” He hesitated, sensing a slight ease in tensions. “I don’t think I need to remind you what we’re dealing with either.”
Adama shook his head. “No.” He sighed. “It’s been a long time since there’s been exposure. I guess I hoped things had changed.”
“I wish. This stuff is brutal.” He coughed. “Sir, you know…” He coughed again to cover his discomfort.
“Say it.” Adama groused.
“I can shut the oxygen off now. His lungs would clog and he’d di.. pass soon.” Cottle held his breath for the Admiral’s response.
“I’d like to believe my son is strong enough to survive this.”
“I wouldn’t wish this on my son.” Cottle spewed boldly. Adama’s anger filled eyes met Cottle’s, but he continued. “I need you to understand the nightmare, hell, nightmare doesn’t begin to describe this. If he’s even cognizant, everything will seem blurred and out of whack at best. The hallucinations are the most powerful known… This occurs with a small dose. The Major was in there for probably a good minute. That’s not a small dose.”
Adama clenched and unclenched his fist in an attempt to control his rage. He’d served with Cottle long enough to know what he was doing. It didn’t mean he liked it. Normally a realist, Adama needed desperately to be optimistic right now. He didn’t want Cottle’s blunt truths. “We’ll fight through this.”
“He has to fight this alone. You can’t help him, only hurt him.” Cottle left quickly, needing to have the final word.
Chapter Two
Adama again paused just outside the draping. He needed to believe his son would get through this, despite Cottle’s doubts. Lee had been through too much lately. He couldn’t help but curse the gods. Didn’t Lee deserve a break? He wasn’t one to whine about life’s problems, but even he wouldn’t have begrudged his son some down time.
He stepped through and pulled up a chair at his son’s side. A medic was finishing up with various medicines. Adama sensed his eyes on him and finally looked up to meet them.
“We’ve made him as comfortable as possible for now, sir.” The medic spoke confidently. “He’ll need the O2 support for a few days and then he’ll be on his own.”
“To walk through hell?” Adama mused softly.
The medic swallowed. “Victims have survived, sir. Your son…” He choked on his words. “I’ve never met him, but I know his reputation. He’s strong.” The man glanced nervously around and made a hasty, silent departure.
Adama hadn’t noticed his absence. He was dwelling on the man’s words. …his reputation…
Lee’s reputation had taken a beating lately.
Still, he felt
As for Kara, he had no idea what he’d do with her. She’d cracked up. How much the affair with Lee had to do with it, he’d never know and neither would reveal. Lee maintained only that he would always care about Kara, but a relationship beyond friendship was no longer possible. Adama knew full well Kara had a way of damning relationships and hurting those she loved most. On one hand he applauded his son for getting out and on another, he was saddened Lee couldn’t see through it. Then again, maybe his son did? Did he not give Lee enough credit? Is that why Lee insisted they would be friends? Why he did still call her?
She’d been gone for three weeks now. It had been too much for her. This cylon destiny of hers would have killed her. Anders had carried his wife away to another ship in an attempt to help restore her sanity. Sam Anders was a good man, the right man for Starbuck. He only hoped she came to recognize it in time. Adama suddenly wondered if Lee had come to sense the same thing.
“Damn it, Lee. Prove Cottle wrong. Fight this. We’ve got a lot of questions still to be answered between us.” Adama squeezed his son’s hand. He willed it to reply in turn, but nothing happened. Lee’s hand hung limply in his own.
A slight cough interrupted him.
“Sir?”
Adama turned to see
Adama shook his head.
“No, please stay
He chuckled. “I know. It sounds terrible. I was sitting here thinking of all the questions I still need Lee to answer. Selfish, huh?”
Adama’s voice dropped low, barely above a whisper and it was
course with pain. “This is bad,
A tear welled in her eye. “I know.”
Adama swallowed back his emotion. “It’s good of you to be here for him.”
“And you.” She smiled softly. “I’ll always care about him.” She quickly added, “and you.”
He nodded. “Thanks.”
Adama shook his head. “No, it would be too hard on her right now.”
“Maybe she needs to care about someone else right now?”
“That’s generous of you.” Adama countered and then sighed. “If she really wants to be here, she’ll come.”
It was
“It was generous of you to call her too. You didn’t have to.” Adama knew the woman before him had class.
“Someone had to.”
“It didn’t have to be you.” Adama reasoned. “I could have…”
She smiled. “Whatever happened between us all, it wasn’t done out of malice. It’s taken me a long time to see that.”
“It’s very big of you.” Adama said flatly, not sure he believed her.
She chuckled. “It’s a good day.” She pushed a stray lock of hair off Lee’s forehead. “He’s got big enough problems right now. He doesn’t need a bitter, angry ex-wife.”
“You’re a class act, Ana. Not all women can be so forgiving.” Adama verbalized his recent thoughts and thought back to his own ex-wife. They’d shared many years of bitterness.
She laughed louder. “I told you. Today’s one day. See me tomorrow.”
Adama chuckled. “Still, it’s nice to have you here.”
“Thanks.” She tinkered with Lee’s blankets. “How long? You know, until?”
He shook his head. “The medic said a few days on oxygen. I suppose things will be calm until then.”
She nodded. “I can rearrange some shifts and help out, sir.”
* B * S * G *
Adama tried hard to limit his time at his son’s bedside. He’d formed his plan in his mind early on and he knew it would require a complete commitment. He’d already discussed it with Tigh and the President. Neither liked it, but neither was prepared to fight him either. Both knew deep down if Adama was truly needed in CIC, he would come.
Lee had been taken off the oxygen. In the past 24 hours, as his body regained its strength, the twitches and tremors had begun to return. Despite what Cottle had told him, he wished Lee could remain on the medications that sedated him. His mind knew it wouldn’t ultimately help Lee, but his heart held onto hope Lee could somehow be spared the coming ordeal.
He hadn’t noticed Cottle at his side until he finally spoke. “We’ll move him to the room soon. The nurses are prepping it now and the chief is personally checking the monitor equipment. We haven’t needed it in so long, he wanted to be sure it was fully functioning.”
Adama allowed the doctor’s information to wash through his brain. It was standard treatment, and frankly, the only successful one. Nix-piss, as it was commonly called, brought on days, even weeks of unrelenting hallucinations, ghastly visions and general psychosis.
He intended to be there, every step of the way. His son would not go through this alone.
“I’m ready.” Adama announced, squeezing his son’s hand.
Cottle raised an eyebrow. “Great.” A beat later he added. “For what?”
Adama faced the doctor. “I’m not leaving my son. I intend to be in that room with him. I’ll care for him.”
Cottle broke into a full, hearty laugh. Adama scowled, but Cottle waved it off. “Wow.” He held his stomach. “That’s just what we all needed. A good laugh.” He glanced the Admiral’s way and paled ever so slightly. “You can’t be serious? You can’t be in there with him.”
“I will be there for him.” Adama confirmed, deadly serious. “If you have a problem with it, I’ll replace you with someone who doesn’t.”
Cottle snorted at the threat, but then studied the man’s face. Adama had never made casual threats. He drew in a deep breath. “It’s my job to have a problem with what you just said. For his good as well as your own.”
“My sake is not important here.” Adama replied curtly.
“But his is!” Cottle gestured to Lee. “Leave him his dignity. What he’s about to go through… No man,” Cottle shook his head. “No man wants a witness.”
“I can ease the pain for him.”
“How? Hold his hand? He’ll be in a straight jacket most of the time.” Cottle said bluntly.
The harshness shocked Adama. He had no idea Lee would be bound. “That’s cruel.”
“That’s what will keep him safe! We don’t know what’s going to happen. He could be very violent, to you or himself. It’s not a risk I’m prepared to take.”
“My son won’t hurt me.” Adama said resolution in his voice.
“Your son won’t know who you are. You’ll be the enemy, or a monster.” He sighed and lowered his voice. “Your plan is admirable, but it won’t help him. You’re doing it to help yourself. It will only hurt him. You have to trust me.”
Adama went numb. Cottle was sincere, there was no doubting it. The wise doctor’s words went right to the grieving father’s mind, alas, not his heart. The mind forced his words out. “What can I do?”
“He’ll be monitored. If you really want to be there, you can watch the monitors, but…”
“But what?” Adama pressed.
“It could…” Cottle hated fighting for words. He’d made his reputation by not mincing them. Here, now, he wanted only to spare the Admiral the brutal truth. “It could get very personal. Lee…” He addressed the patient by his first name to strengthen his case. “might not want you to know or hear what he goes through. It might be hard to face you… He might do and say things he’s not proud of.”
Adama swallowed hard. “I’ll watch. He doesn’t need to know.”
Cottle shook his head. “I can’t change your mind, can I? You just don’t trust me.”
Adama took the doctor’s forearm. “It’s not about trusting you. You know that. It’s what I have to do. It’s my son…”
“Sure.” Cottle nodded. “Just make sure you don’t forget that. It’s about him, not you.”
* B * S * G *
Lee was still sluggish. He hadn’t said anything and didn’t really respond to stimulus. He was moved into the padded cell and the door was locked. The medical staff couldn’t risk any equipment or medical sensors. Lee could use them to hurt himself. Adama sat at a small table in the next room, his eyes never leaving the monitor connected to a camera in the ceiling, out of reach. Lee had curled himself into a corner and seemed to be peacefully sleeping.
Adama was allowing himself to be soothed into optimism.
Cottle appeared again. “Don’t believe it. The drugs are wearing off.”
Adama grimaced. He didn’t like Cottle reading his mind. “Perhaps he wasn’t exposed as long as we thought.”
“This isn’t like you Bill. You don’t live in a fantasy world. You’ve got to let go of your heart and start reacting like a military leader.” Cottle was through being gentle. He didn’t like this side of the admiral.
Adama said nothing. He could have raged, but it would have served no purpose. Cottle could never understand. He couldn’t appreciate how many years he’d been the military leader. Lee and Zak had paid the price. It wasn’t fair to do it to Lee now. Lee needed his father, thinking with his heart.
Cottle disappeared, but several minutes later, just long enough for a thorough report, Tigh stepped in. “Bill, you know Lee wouldn’t want you doing this.”
“Frak you, Saul. Lee would want me here and you know it.” Adama wouldn’t hold his anger back for his old friend.
Saul Tigh wouldn’t be put down by a little Adama anger either. They’d known each other too long for that. If good friends couldn’t speak the truth, who could? “Where’s the big hero who a few months ago was touting the tough military stance. We shouldn’t back down? We’d never be weak again?”
Adama snapped to his feet and shoved Tigh against the door. “Don’t you DARE throw my words back at me! If you can’t handle command, Helo can. Is there some pressing problem? Are we under attack? Is the water or food supply gone? NO!” He leaned in close. “So tell me why this one time, I can’t put my son first?”
Tigh hadn’t flinched. “Because Lee might die or worse, go insane. We can’t risk you going along with him.” He pushed back. “You’re going to have to accept that this is bigger than you. Sacrifices have to be made.”
“So I should kill Lee like you killed Ellen? For the good of the fleet?”
If Adama had meant to hurt his friend, he had. Tigh swallowed and paled. “Don’t you…”
Adama knew he’d gone too far. “Saul,” He reached out and clasped his XO behind the neck, but not menacingly. “Lee is about to go through hell. Why is it so wrong of me to want to help him?”
“How will you help him if you go with him? Shouldn’t you be waiting for him on the other side?” His voice dropped to a whisper. “You can’t guide him on this, Bill. No one can.”
“You’re wrong. I can.”
“Where is this desperate need coming from?” Tigh growled.
“Desperate need? This is my son, Saul. My son! Why does everyone keep doubting my love for my son?”
“No one doubts it, Bill. We just don’t understand this current obsession.”
Adama backed away and walked to the other side of the small room. “Why is it so hard to believe I might have finally seen an opportunity to be there for my son? I missed so much. There were so many times I wasn’t there for him.”
Tigh rolled his eyes. “He won’t know you’re here for him. He won’t know anything.”
Adama swallowed. “He’ll know.”
Tigh wiped his hand across his face. “You know, it’s not that we don’t want you to be there for your son.” Tigh glanced at the monitor. “We don’t want you…” He coughed. “You aren’t sleeping or eating… We need you, Bill.”
Adama sank into the chair. “So, you and Cottle would feel better if I’d not give him my total attention? Maybe get a good night’s sleep? Have a full meal in the mess? Read a few reports? You know all those things you need me to do?”
“Bill…” Tigh couldn’t bring himself to offer the true justification. Nixpiss warped the mind. It left more men insane than normal. The chances of Lee Adama, with or without his father’s support, surviving were astronomical. He knew full well, Adama would collapse if his son didn’t survive, especially if he felt he’d sacrificed all to achieve it. Their only hope was to lessen Adama’s impact on Lee’s supposed recovery.
“I said I’d never leave him, Saul. I promised him.” Adama whispered.
“You haven’t. He’s trying to leave you now, Bill.”
“That’s why I have to hold onto him.” Adama countered, touching the screen.
“He can’t feel you. He doesn’t know.”
Adama closed his eyes. “I believe he does. He has to, or he won’t get through this.” He turned back to his XO. “I know what you and Cottle are trying to do. You’re trying to get me to prepare for the worst.” He paused. “I am. I’m not a fool. I know all the possible horrors that lay before us… Lee.” He pinched his nose. “I can’t sit back and not try.”
Tigh nodded. “Just promise me you won’t go down with him… If he goes…”
“I promise Saul. I know what I’m doing.” Adama said confidently.
Tigh snickered. “Yeah, right.”
Chapter Three
“Lee, come on we’re
going to be late.” Zak pleaded with his older brother to move on. He’d been preening at the mirror long enough.
“Stop bugging me,
twerp. We have plenty of time.” Lee shouted back, combing his hair for the
millionth time. He didn’t want to admit
it, but Claire Bendicts was going to be at the game
today. He’d heard she was interested in
him. He didn’t quite know what he was
supposed to do with a girlfriend, but if he had one, she’d be good.
Zak’s back appeared in
the doorway and his hands appeared at his shoulders. “Oh Lee, yes… You played so well today…
“
Lee swatted Zak with
his towel. “Knock it off, twerp.” He refused to acknowledge the blush at his
cheeks.
Zak giggled and rolled
his eyes. “Lee, she’s never going to
talk to a loser and if we don’t get there soon, the game will be over.”
Lee took one final
look and turned to his annoying kid brother.
“They aren’t going to start the game without me. Deal with it.”
Zak batted his
eyelashes. “But Claire might decide Joey
Trenton is cuter than you.” He wrinkled
his nose. “Especially
if she gets a whiff of you.”
“Why you little…” Lee held his temper.
Zak giggled and ran
off with Lee close at his heels. Calling
over his shoulder, Zak dared the worst.
“You’re such a slow mother frakker!” Zak popped out the back door and stood boldly
on the porch, taunting his older brother.
Lee halted just
inside. “Zak! You don’t get to talk like that. “Mother Frakker
is…”
“LEE ADAMA!”
Lee paled at his
mother’s shrill reprimand. He rolled his
eyes, knowing full well what would follow.
“Mom…” He turned to meet his fate
full on.
Carol Anne Adama
grabbed her eldest son’s arm. “How DARE
you talk like that in front of your younger brother.” She paused only long enough to flash a warm
smile to her youngest child, standing numbly on the porch. “I won’t hear that language from either of my
children. You should know better… What if Zak starts talking like you?”
Lee opened his mouth
to argue, but thought better of it. What
good would it do? His mother never
listened to his side. She’d never
believe him.
“Mom! Lee
didn’t do it. I did. I said it.
He was…” Zak pleaded, moving back
into the kitchen.
Carol Anne eyed her
baby. “Zak, you don’t need to stick up
for your brother. He knows right from
wrong.” She turned her attention back to
Lee. “What would your father say? Shall we call him and tell him about your
toilet mouth? He’ll be so proud.”
Lee couldn’t stop his
eyes from rolling, which earned him a cuff to the side of his head. He swallowed back his response, knowing Zak
would take any repercussions the hardest.
He took everything so hard, whether he should or not. Lee knew only too well, it was his job to
shelter and protect his kid brother.
“Get to your room!”
She demanded, rather loudly.
“But mom, we’ve got
the game… Lee has to be there.” Zak pleaded, turning on as much charm as he
could.
“Well, then perhaps
next time your brother will clean up his mouth.” She pointed to the interior of the
house.
Lee glanced back only
long enough to see Zak’s eyes filling with tears. “Head over Zak, let
the guys know. Cheer loudly!”
Zak’s lips trembled,
but he nodded softly.
Lee received a swat to
the behind as he passed his mother. His
initial reaction was to turn on his mother, but again, as he’d long ago
learned, he held his temper.
As he neared the
stairs, he sensed his mother still following him. “I’m going, mom.”
He could have never
expected her next action. He crashed
forward, slamming into the lower steps from the hearty shove his mother
delivered to his shoulders.
“Don’t get flip with
me young man!”
Lee turned around to
face her. Her face warped before his
eyes. Her face elongated and her eyes
glowed red. He climbed backward up the
stairs to escape further wrath.
“Get going!”
Again his mother
slammed into him. His head bounced off
the next stair and he tasted the salt of blood as it flowed into his
mouth. Tears welled in his eyes, but he
fought them back and continued to advance toward the refuge of his room.
“Where do you think
you’re going, you little bastard!”
From thin air, his
mother produced a pipe and for each stair he climbed, she bashed him. He felt the welts and bruises spring up
instantaneously. “Mom, stop
please.” Lee begged through the tears
that now flowed unfettered down his face, mixing with the blood from above.
“You
horrible little bastard. You don’t deserve to live. I should have done this
years ago.” She hit him
again. “I should have drowned you at
birth.” She hit again.
Lee grabbed at the
pipe. He might have succeeded in
catching it, had he not grabbed too low.
The jagged end scraped across his hand, slicing it deeply. He expected intense pain, but felt only cold
numbness spread through his hand. He
held his hand out to his mother to show her the damage and again pleaded for
her to stop.
Her reply was to
strike again. He blocked the hit with
his forearm. In addition to the blood
from his hand, a new slice opened across his arm. Blood seemed to flow every where.
“STOP!” He shouted as an inner demon woke to defend
him.
She stared momentarily
at her son, but shook off her stun to raise the pipe again.
Lee would not be
struck again. He pulled his knees up to
his chest and lashed out at his mother.
He caught her full in the chest and she tumbled backward, screaming his
name. She impacted on the landing hard
and stared up at him, mumbling curses and disgust.
Lee stood for minutes,
watching her. The demon pushed him to
protect himself further. He climbed
slowly, menacingly down the stairs. Bending
over, but never leaving her eyesight, he retrieved the pipe.
“You aren’t going to
hurt me ever again.” His voice was icy.
He raised the pipe over his head and brought it crushing down onto his
mother’s skull. Over and over he raised
the pipe, until not much of Carol Anne Adama was recognizable.
* B * S * G *
Adama watched the monitor closely as his son’s body began to twitch. He was still curled into the corner, but his hands flailed about him, as if he defended himself. He turned the audio up and heard his son calling out. He alternated between ‘help’ and ‘mom’.
Adama couldn’t take any more. He strode from the room and charged into the small padded room. He dropped to his knees at his son’s side and shook Lee’s shoulder. “Wake up, son. It’s over. You’re safe.”
Lee’s eyes popped open, but he said nothing. He didn’t seem to recognize anything, or anyone. His eyes were wild with fear or worse, terror.
“Lee?” Adama urged a response with his voice.
Lee didn’t seem to hear his father. He reached up and touched his head. Pulling the hand back into his vision, he frowned at the fresh blood on his fingers. He rolled his arm to display the hand and forearm where the deep cuts radiated crimson.
Adama watched his son and tried to determine what he was experiencing. “Lee? You’re ok. Or… Does your arm hurt?” Had Cottle missed something? Had Lee fallen?
Lee looked up and stuck out his arm as if the wounds were obvious. When he looked down, they were. Why didn’t this man help him? Terror struck Lee. The man wouldn’t help because he saw only a murderer.
Lee turned back and looked at his mother’s corpse. “I had to do it.”
Adama was stunned to hear Lee’s course voice. “Lee?” He reached out and touched his son’s arm. “What did you have to do?”
“Kill her. I had to do it. She would have killed me, or Zak.” Lee pointed with his ‘uninjured’ hand. “She wouldn’t stop hitting me.”
Adama kept his voice steady. “Lee, there’s no one there. You haven’t killed anyone.”
Lee’s brain considered the stranger’s words. Before him was a large ship. It was filled with people. He saw their faces pressed against the windows to see the mighty viper he controlled.
“Lee, what if you're
wrong? Lee, come on. Lee.” The woman’s
voice in his mind pleaded with him to take his finger off the trigger.
“Okay, fire on my
mark.” He heard the words coming from
his mouth. He watched the faces in the
windows and reaffirmed his hold on the stick.
“No frakkin' way, Lee. Lee!
Come on!”
He ignored her words and fired. He watched as the slow motion explosions from his weapons ripped through the ship. One by one the faces in the window exploded into bright flashes of agonizing pain. He felt their pain. He knew he’d killed them
The stranger was wrong.
He pointed to the corner he’d previously occupied. “See that? I did it. I killed her.” He felt the need to defend himself. “I had to. Look at what she did to me.” He held out his arm and then pulled up the shirt of the scrubs he wore. “See these bruises. She did that to me. She would have killed me.” His eyes grew dark and narrowed. “She hated me. She always did. She would have drowned me at birth. She said as much.”
His voice grew cold, matching his eyes. “I had to kill her before she killed me.”
Adama felt the temperature drop. It suddenly occurred to him Lee felt he’d killed his mother. Did he have all those feelings about his mother? “Lee, your mother wouldn’t kill you. She’d never hurt you, neither of us would. We love you.” He pulled at Lee’s shoulder to turn him away from the imagined nightmare scene.
Lee whirled on his father. “THE BITCH HAD TO DIE!” He slammed into Adama’s chest with his ‘good’ hand. “YOU WANT TO JOIN HER?” He flourished his ‘pipe’ and made several mock swings.
Adama was beyond stunned. His head swam for the right thing to do or say. A small part of him wanted to run, leave Lee to endure his fate, but the revelations Lee had made so far, kept him firmly entrenched. He swallowed hard. “Lee, this is the poison. You’re fine. No one has hurt you. Look at your arm. There’s nothing wrong.”
Lee glared at the stranger, glancing back at the growing puddle of blood at his feet. “I think you’re the one poisoned. If you were anyone decent, you’d get me help!” Lee glanced around the room. “Where am I?”
“Life Station. You got a dose of noxinitron.” He swallowed again, he was tense, but Lee seemed to be accepting everything decently, almost calmly. “You need to ride it out.”
Lee growled. “Where’s Zak? Did she hurt him? I’ve got to find him.” He ignored the information he’d received and proceeded to tear apart the fictitious house around him.
Adama stepped back and watched as Lee opened and closed imaginary doors and tore apart equally non-existent furniture. He’d never imagined this level of violence was possible from his son.
Adama watched in horror as Lee raised his imaginary weapon and bashed what he assumed was his mother’s corpse.
“WHAT DID YOU DO WITH ZAK? WHERE IS HE?” Lee was in a full panic. He’d torn the house apart looking for Zak but he was no where to be seen. He sank to his knees before his mother’s corpse. “He didn’t do anything. It’s me you hate. Please don’t hurt him. Let him go. We can send him to grandpa… He can help. You can send me away. I promise I won’t come back, just return Zak.”
Lee fell forward and sobbed. He clawed at his mother’s body.
Adama watched the scene unfold and realized he’d been holding his breath. He crossed the small room in two quick strides and wrapped his arms around Lee’s shoulders, gently pulling him back and into his father’s embrace.
Lee felt his body slacking from emotion. He didn’t expect to be pulled backward. He’d forgotten about the stranger in the room who refused to help him. He knew it had to be him who pulled him away from his mother. He stretched out and grasped the pipe as his body slid back.
Lee whirled on the stranger and swung with as much power as his young body could muster. “LEAVE ME ALONE!”
He hit the stranger squarely on the side of the head. He watched as the stranger crashed to the deck and clutched at his skull. Lee wasn’t about to let him escape. He swung again and again. He felt the hot splatter of blood on his face and smiled. He relished the adrenalin coursing through his veins.
Lee wasn’t actually hitting him with anything, but the violence of his motions had forced Adama back into the corner. He shivered as some part of him recognized it as the same corner Lee had supposedly beaten his mother to death in. “Lee! Lee! Stop! This isn’t real!” Adama called out repeatedly to his son to no avail.
Suddenly Lee was pulled back. The only thing Adama heard was a loud smack. All he saw was Lee slumping to the deck.
“Get OUT of here!”
Chapter Four
Adama allowed himself to be pushed into the hallway by Cottle. He might have been angry, but he was too unnerved by his son’s delusion.
Cottle had boldly shoved Lee into the corner and quickly escaped. He slammed the door shut behind him and wheeled on Adama. “WHY WERE YOU IN THERE?”
Adama swallowed hard. “My son needs me.”
“He needs to kill you?” Cottle shouted, only slightly less loud than he’d just spoken.
“He wouldn’t hurt me.” Adama argued.
“HE DOESN’T KNOW WHO THE HELL YOU ARE!” Cottle caught his breath. He glanced around and noted the number of medics moving in the opposite direction. He calmed and returned his attention to Adama. “He was striking at you. How long do you think it would have been before he really began to hit you?” Before Adama could defend his actions, Cottle moved on. “You think you would have been able to handle it? You wouldn’t. He’s your son. You won’t do what you have to do.” His lowered his voice, his tone deadly. “You made that abundantly clear.”
“I only…” Adama stammered. Never before in his life had he felt so low, so incapable.
“Don’t set foot in that room again or you’re banned from life station entirely. Is that clear?” Cottle scavenged through his pockets, obviously searching for a cigarette.
Adama nodded. He brushed past Cottle, but stopped just beyond him. “He may not come back to us. He might really be like this…” He gulped. “Forever?”
Cottle sighed, but didn’t turn to deliver the news. “I warned you. You wouldn’t listen.”
Adama returned to the observation room and struggled to collect his emotions. He looked to the monitor and saw Lee curled into the corner of his cell. His arm raised and lowered in a pathetic attempt to hurt whatever it was that was holding him hostage.
Hours later, Adama watched mesmerized as Lee picked at the padding in his cell. Neither had slept. Adama was hard pressed to bring his eyes away from the monitor.
“That can’t be good for your eyes. They aren’t all that great anymore anyway.” A familiar figure appeared in the doorway.
Adama glanced to the voice and looked back to the monitor. After several beats of silence, he spoke. “If the Cylons are attacking and you’re the one who came to get me, it was a big mistake, Saul.”
“All’s quiet in CIC. I hear the action is in here. You’ve been visiting?” Saul entered the room and took the empty chair unbidden.
“My son tried to kill me.”
“Your son was hallucinating. Gods only know what’s going on in his mind.” Saul pushed the tray he’d been carrying in front of Adama. “I brought you something to eat. I didn’t figure I’d get you out of here, although I did consider a squad of marines.”
“Lee hasn’t eaten.” Adama still focused on only his son.
“I doubt he’s thinking about it right now.” Tigh concluded, scanning the screen himself.
In the padded room, Lee Adama was thinking about food. His stomach growled and complained at the vacancy within. He searched the walls, and then Zak’s voice came to him.
* B * S * G *
“Lee, I’m hungry. Will you make me a snack?”
Lee turned to face his
younger brother, but his smile quickly faded.
“Zak? What were you doing? Playing in the mud?”
Zak giggled. “Well… it did finally stop raining. But, now I’m hungry. I can’t wait until dad gets here. Can’t we have a snack now?”
“We?” Lee
questioned. He knew Zak’s mind.
Zak rolled his
eyes. “I know you’re hungry. You were so excited for Dad’s visit, you
didn’t eat much breakfast.”
Lee smiled again. “You know how dad gets if we don’t eat
everything when he takes us out.”
Zak snapped to
attention. “A good pilot never wastes
rations, Sir!”
Lee chuckled. “That’s right!”
Zak’s eyes twinkled
with mischief. “But,
Sir. How can I
be a good pilot, if I’m about to pass out from hunger?”
Lee laughed outright. “Faint from hunger? We can’t have dad walking in on that, can
we?”
Zak shook his
head.
“Go clean up and make
sure mom doesn’t see those dirty clothes.
She’ll be mad if things aren’t perfect.”
Zak waited for Lee to
say more, and when he didn’t he pressed.
“Lee?”
“Yes?” Lee baited him.
”You are going to make
me a snack, right?” Zak offered his most pathetic of expressions.
Lee’s eyes
narrowed. “And risk the wrath of both
mom and dad? I think not.”
Zak stomped his
foot. “But LEE! I’m HUNGRY!”
Lee shook his head and
laughed. “So am I. I’ll make us a snack, but you have to promise
to eat fast and help me clean up.”
Zak nodded and bounded
off to do as he was told.
Lee admired his
brother’s life. His parent’s didn’t seem
to have the same expectations for him.
Lee was to be wise and mature at all times. His parents would skin him alive if he went
out splashing in mud puddles. Nothing
seemed to faze Zak. He never felt the
stresses Lee did. Zak didn’t worry about
getting the kitchen cleaned up before his parents returned. That was Lee’s job.
He opened the first
cupboard, but found it empty. He moved
on to the next and found it empty as well.
His heart began to pound more quickly.
Where had their food gone? One by
one he opened cupboards, searching for food.
In the last cupboard, he found a box of potatoes and tore open the box. He jumped back as a river of roaches crawled from the box. He fell on his back and dropped the box. The river of black continued to flow toward him. In his young mind it appeared the bugs would dine on him instead. He slid away from them, too stunned to stand and run.
* B * S * G *
Adama watched as his son suddenly stood and moved as if he was opening doors. He was searching for something.
“What the frak is he doing now?” Tigh growled, transfixed as well.
Lee fell backward and then crawled across the room until he was pinned on the other wall.
Adama’s heart constricted at Lee’s dementia. He wished only for relief, in whatever form.
His concentration was so intense he followed Lee’s eyes when they darted to the opposite side of the room.
* B * S * G *
“Lee? What are you doing, get in here! It’s wonderful.”
Lee looked to the
encroaching army of roaches and then to the archway leading to his baby
brother. He jumped to his feet and ran
into the dining room. He stopped in his
tracks at the sight before him. Zak was seated
at the table, which was set with an abundance of food. “Where…”
He took a few more
steps into the room, but was stopped by an outstretched arm. “That’s for your brother, not you. You’ll have to cook your own meal.”
Lee turned to face the
new threat. “But dad, there’s nothing to
eat. The roaches got it all. There’s nothing for me.”
Adama’s face was dark
and menacing. “Then you’ll have to eat
the roaches. There’s nothing here for
you.”
“But… Dad…” Lee pleaded for mercy, but all he got for his
efforts was a backhand that sent him flying back into the kitchen. He landed on his back and was instantly swarmed
by the roaches. His last view was his
parents cuddling his brother from either side.
* B * S * G *
Adama watched in horror as Lee swatted and pushed to free himself from some imagined foe. He prayed silently for an end to this horror. He didn’t feel Tigh’s tight grasp on his shoulder.
“Bill! Don’t do this to yourself. It isn’t helping him.” He scowled at the lack of response, but went on anyway, knowing some part of his friend was listening. “What will you tell him when it’s over? He won’t remember it, but you will? It’s not right, Bill. He has to suffer this one himself. You can’t help him.”
Adama’s fury swelled with each of Tigh’s arguments. When Tigh had stopped, Adama whirled on his friend and slammed him against the wall of the small room. “I promised him I’d never leave. He didn’t believe me then. How else can I prove it to him? I will see him through this or my word means NOTHING!”
Tigh remained steadfast. “Lee wouldn’t want you watching this. This is NOT what he meant. This will not prove your paternal love.” He pushed back. “What’s worse… You’re not doing this for him. You’re doing it to make yourself feel better. And worse than that, you’re risking yourself.” For the first time, Tigh knew he had Adama’s full attention, so he drove his point home. “How on Caprica will you go on after this? You’ll never look at your son the same way. You’ll always wonder what was going on in his mind and you’ll always doubt him. It will take you down the same dangerous spiral and you can’t fight through it for both of you. Only one will survive and it won’t be Lee. You can’t do this for him.”
Tigh didn’t ask Adama to leave again. He simply straightened his uniform and left as silently as he arrived.
Adama sank into the chair and gazed numbly at the monitor. Lee seemed to settle, even rest. Adama thought hard on his friend’s words.
Lee sat perfectly still. Every inch of his skin was covered with the creeping insects, but he decided if he remained unmoving, they would leave him alone, eventually. He had to be strong.
“Have you taken a look at yourself
in the mirror lately? You're weak, soft! Mentally and
physically.”
No wonder his father fed Zak instead of him. Zak wasn’t weak or soft. He defied the rules and played in mud.
He felt a roach sticking it’s tentacle into his ears. It probed and prodded. Lee swallowed and froze his limbs. He squeezed his eyes further shut as the
roaches crawled across his eyelids. From
deep within him it began to grow. He
swallowed hard and held his breath to keep it from releasing. He pressed his head more firmly against the
floor to protect his other ear.
“I’m not soft.” Lee mumbled over and over.
“Then you’ll have to
eat the roaches.”
His father’s words broke his resolve. The terrifying and shrill scream from deep within exploded.
* B * S * G *
Adama watched in horror as his son squirmed on the floor and released a shattering scream. Then at once, he seemed to be picking at his body and whatever he was removing, he popped into his mouth.
Adama watched in shock.
“Keep jumping.” His father’s voice rang again in his ears and he hastened to pop more of the crunchy roaches into his mouth.
Chapter Five
Lee thought he was being strong, as his father wanted. He pushed handfuls of the wiggling roaches into his mouth and swallowed in hard, painful gulps. It was only when they hit his stomach he began to regret his actions.
It was true. Nothing killed roaches, even the powerful acids in his stomach. They wiggled and crawled, trying desperately to escape. It was torture from the inside.
Adama watched as his son’s actions intensified. In an instant, Lee curled further onto his side and whatever had been the meager contents of his stomach came spewing forth. His son’s body convulsed through continued dry heaves. Over and over, Lee’s body tried to expel whatever he’d supposedly consumed.
Lee looked at the mess before him. It was thick with black roaches and bloody mucus. The roaches crawled through the goop, back toward him, as if longing to return. Lee screamed, but more came from within him. He pushed backward, but was stopped by walls. He climbed to his feet and tried desperately to climb the walls to escape the encroaching onslaught.
Adama could take no more. He hit the alarm button and summoned help. He crashed through his own door and pounded at Lee’s. “SON!”
He pulled the latch open, just as Cottle and another medic reached him. Cottle entered just behind the Admiral and noted the mess of bile on the floor. “He’s thrown up. It’s ok.” He offered the admiral, who was slowly advancing on his unknowing son.
Lee didn’t even recognize the intrusion. He was too lost in his delusion.
Adama grasped at his son’s arm. “Come down, Lee.” It was obvious he was trying to climb. “Come away. We’ll get you cleaned up.”
Lee turned on his father, his eyes wild with insanity. “LEAVE ME ALONE!” He pushed hard at his father, sending him flying into Cottle. Both men fell to the deck. A strong back hand, fuelled by adrenalin, sent the medic flying against the other wall. The next thing Lee saw was an open door. It beckoned to him, seduced him. It offered freedom from the roaches. He went for it.
* B * S * G *
Lee crashed through life station, charging at anyone who got in his way. He pushed, shoved and hit until he was free. He made his way into the corridor. He was wild eyed and seemed unable to control his body. His hands flew wildly, swinging at both visible and invisible foe. If he stopped long enough to see any faces, they distorted into hideous monsters reminiscent of his childhood nightmares.
He swung viciously at anything appearing in his path.
Helo had been on the deck working with the Chief to be sure there was no further damage. They’d decided to stop in Life Station and check on the major’s progress before meeting their families for dinner.
They were chatting happily about their lives when commotion up the hallway sent their senses into alert. They quickened their steps and came across an obviously deranged Lee Adama.
Lee had pressed a young ensign against the bulkhead and was demanding the boy tell him where Earth was. When the boy shook his head and muttered, Lee threatened to throw him out an airlock.
There were none on that deck, but Lee’s mind didn’t currently know that. He pulled the terrified enlisted man down the wall until he hit a door. “DIE CYLON, DIE!” Lee shouted as he opened the door and shoved the young man away.
The Chief, feeling the guilt of his involvement, moved
quicker. Helo,
ever the officer, was still checking the scene.
Lee struggled. He
made a quick reverse head butt and the chief’s grasp slackened, but he managed
to hold on to the scrambling officer.
Helo had lost track of
A small cry from either Lee or
The chief backed away, knowing Helo had the Major well under control, or so he thought. In the next instant, Lee impossibly turned out of Helo’s grasp. “You got me once you cylon-loving bastard… Never again!” He followed his harsh words with a sharp uppercut. Helo took the punch, but stayed firmly planted between Lee and the others. He was trying to buy them time.
“Stop him, Captain!” Cottle ordered as he neared.
Lee’s vision swam.
Instead of recognizing his colleagues and friends, he saw only red-eyed Cylons. Head shot. Reload. Head shot. Head shot. Reload. Head shot. Reload. Head
shot. Lee ceased his struggle. He brought his gun up and began to fire,
methodically, one at a time, at each person in the area. “You’re not taking me alive. You’ve got to roll a hard six.”
Witnesses were stunned. No one moved. Helo lessened his pressure and stepped a bit back, equally stunned. Everyone present knew how devastating noxinitron was supposed to be, but none had seen it in person.
Lee took the opportunity and punched Helo in the gut. As Helo doubled over, he slipped past him.
“Stop him HELO! Bring him down!” Adama shouted. He didn’t want to see his son hurt, but he didn’t want this public nightmare either.
Helo lunged at the younger Adama as ordered. He didn’t think he’d get close enough to knock him out, but he knew he could body slam the smaller man and he did. He caught Lee around the knees. Lee had little equilibrium as it was and he crashed hard to the deck. He vainly attempted to lash out at his captor with his legs, but it was useless. Helo held tight.
Soon the medics swarmed and Cottle joined them. Adama stared in horror as his son was wrestled into a straight jacket. Once the initial application was finished, Cottle stepped back and allowed his people to finish the task.
Lee screamed and cried, shouting for freedom.
Adama jumped on Cottle immediately. “What are you doing?” He gestured around. “You do this to him in public? You were concerned about his privacy? What the frak happened?”
Cottle glared at Adama. “His father opened the frakkin’ door!”
Lee’s legs kicked out wildly as the medics, assisted by Helo, struggled to get him back to life station. It took several attempts, as Lee would kick his legs out at the last second, but eventually the group managed to shove Lee back into his cell.
The vomit had been conspicuously cleaned up and Lee crashed hard against the far wall.
Adama followed the group silently, praying something would break for his son.
Helo was turning away from the scene and stumbled into the Admiral. “I’m sorry, Sir. I…”
Adama swallowed. “You did what you had to do. Everyone is. Lee could have seriously hurt someone.”
Helo was moved by the pain in his commander’s eyes. “Sir, that wasn’t Lee. Lee is trapped somewhere inside the body. He’s fighting his way out. He’ll come back to us.”
“I heard what he shouted at you, Karl…” Adama didn’t really hear Helo’s words. He was too lost in his own pain.
Helo shook his head. “Lee has never treated me like that. It was the nix piss talking, sir. It meant nothing.”
Adama squeezed Helo’s forearm. “Thank you.”
Helo wanted to say more, but he couldn’t. He knew the admiral wasn’t really hearing him. It wasn’t the time. He nodded and slipped silently away.
Adama looked numbly at Cottle. “I… He was throwing up.”
Cottle remained stern. “Yes, and he’ll probably piss himself too. You just don’t get this, do you?”
“I’m banned?” Adama whispered, almost silently.
“What do I have to do to get you to stay out? Do I have to ban you?” Cottle relented, moved by Adama’s remorse.
“There’s nothing, really nothing I can do here, is there?” Adama considered for the very first time. “I’m in the way?”
Cottle groaned inwardly. He had built a tough exterior, but this situation was tearing him apart as well. “You’re a man of action. This is your son. I’ve no doubt you wouldn’t tear that wall down brick by brick if you thought it meant it would help your son. You don’t have anything to prove.” He saw in Adama’s eyes he had hit a nerve. “Not to me… and Lee’s not learning anything right now. Don’t do this to yourself.”
“Let me stay.” Adama met Cottle’s eyes directly and held them with the power of his tone. “I give you my word. I won’t interfere. No matter what…”
Cottle sighed. “Only if you can tell me one thing.”
Adama’s eyes furrowed in confusion. “What?”
“Why? Why is this so important to you?” He quickly realized his mistake. “Other than the obvious reason. Once he was out of danger and you knew there was nothing you could do when he was shot, you gave up and returned to duty. Why this? Why now?” Cottle didn’t professionally care about Adama’s answer. This was personal. He wanted to understand this side of his commanding officer.
Adama sighed. “I’m seeing bits and pieces of his mind. I’m seeing his terrors. If I’m going to help him through this, I need to know where he’s been.”
Cottle shook his head. There was one thing that no one could deny William Adama. He would always win. “You’re only seeing glimpses. They’re small snippets recombined in a sick brain. Nothing is being handled in context.”
Adama felt hope for the first time. “That’s where you’re wrong. They’re only out of context to someone who doesn’t know him.”
Adama won and he resumed his chair in the monitoring room.
* B * S * G *
Lee slid across the floor and tucked himself into the corner. His eyes were closed. He was tired, so very tired.
He slid them open, but darkness filled the room. He reached forward, but his arms resisted. He had no control over his body. In a short period of time, his body had gone limp and he’d gone blind.
The darkness was overwhelming. He rocked his shoulders to try and free his arms. It became clear to him, he no longer had arms. “FRAKKING CYLONS! GIVE ME BACK MY ARMS!”
He roared with anger. His rage filled shouts literally shook the window of his small cell.
Adama turned the volume down on his monitor. It was too much to listen to his son’s screams.
Lee’s demands faded but were replaced with pure screams of terror. He screamed and screamed, occasionally begging for the light to return.
Adama watched in horror as Lee cried for light. “Open your eyes, Lee. It’s there. The light is there. Open your eyes!”
Lee’s screams grew harsher and harsher. Adama was sure there would be no voice left. He longed to deliver his son a drink of water, but knew one more mistake would receive Cottle’s wrath for sure.
Adama’s wish soon came true. His son slipped into silence. His eyes were opened and he seemed to be calm. Tears rolled down Adama’s face as he realized the extent of his son’s change in demeanor. Spittle slowly spilled over his son’s cracked and swollen lips and down his chin. Lee didn’t seem to notice.
Chapter Six
Adama glanced nervously back and forth between his son and the clock on the wall behind him. How long could his son possibly remain like this? He had to sleep, didn’t he?
After what seemed like hours, Lee finally moved. His shoulders twitched. It was obvious to the uncomfortable father, his son had an itch. With everything else he was enduring, unspeakable horrors filling his brain, and now his straight-jacketed son couldn’t even scratch his shoulder.
Adama followed his instinct.
He rose quickly and moved to the door of the padded cell. His hand was on the handle but his own words
stayed his hand. I won’t interfere. No matter what…
“They’re only out of
context to someone who doesn’t know him.”
‘Is that why I’m here? I’m desperate to prove to myself I know my son? I’m seeing these pieces and I’m convinced I can fit them together.’
His heart ached. He stood silently rehashing all the stories Carolanne had told him. Times he should have been there for his sons. Now, he had the chance and there wasn’t a damn thing he could do. He knew he was here for the wrong reasons.
He stared in the window, imagining Lee as a small child. Maybe Lee had been out playing and fell. He imagined his young son, fighting to hold back the tears and be the tough junior warrior he had always told his sons to be, as he came to seek comfort and healing from his parents. Normally, he would have gone to his mother. She would have allowed him to shed his dammed tears. She wasn’t available. He’d turn eventually to his father.
Adama no longer saw his son in a cell. He saw the shimmering, blue eyes of his son, sucking in tears and fighting his quivering chin. “I fell from the tree.” He would stammer.
Adama would lift his son onto the counter and go about gathering the materials he’d need to bind his scrapes. While he treated his son’s injuries, he’d tell him engrossing tales of his military adventures, suitable for a young boy of course.
“I was pretending to
be a viper pilot. I tried to fly from
the limb of the tree.” Lee would finally
confess as his body ceased to tremble.
Adama nodded
knowingly. “Been
there. You had to eject, didn’t
you?”
Lee nodded, sniffling.
Adama smiled and
pulled his son into his arms. He leaned
against the vanity and merely held his son close. “Every good pilot takes a hard crash. It makes us better pilots.”
Lee rubbed at his
small, red nose. “Why?”
“We have to learn to
pick ourselves up.” Adama wisely replied.
Lee let out a big
sigh. “I don’t wanna
climb dat tree right now, daddy.”
Adama smiled, cradling
his son closer. “That’s ok. I wouldn’t want to right now either.” Lee settled into his dad’s arms and he
carried young Lee to the porch. They sat
down and Lee slid to sit at his father’s side, his head resting on Adama’s
arm. Adama raised his other arm. “So, maybe we could build a platform in that
nasty tree. Then my littlest viper could
fly safely.”
Lee’s eyes would grow
wild with wonder and he’d stare at his old man.
“You mean it? You’d really build
it?”
Adama would beam as he
confirmed it. “Sure.”
“Can I help?” Lee
asked eagerly, previous fears having vanished.
“A good commander
needs a good XO.” Adama stated proudly.
Lee’s eye grew impossibly wide. “I could… I could be your XO?”
‘My time to comfort my son is gone. I lost it. I was busy with my career. I missed my chance to see life through that little boy’s eyes. I never built him a tree house. I never kissed his tears away. I never let him be a little boy.
I told him to stand on his own, accept his decisions and
move on.’
“I can’t help you, Lee. You’ve got to do this alone.” He whispered as he released the handle and returned to the monitor room. He pulled the chair to the corner of the tiny room, away from the monitor. Maybe if he just stayed close, but didn’t watch?
* B * S * G *
Lee Adama was annoyed by an itch in his shoulder. There was nothing he could do about it. The Cylons had taken his arms. He was useless. He’d never fly again. His eyes abruptly focused on his feet. Words entered his mouth and spilled from his lips. “Can I fly with my feet?”
Adama was stunned to hear a coarse voice drift from the speaker.
Lee continued to ponder his feet. “How flexible am I? I bet I can be the first viper jockey to use my feet.”
Adama cringed at the optimism and confidence in his son’s words. If he was honest, he knew these were two issues his son struggled with. He had no idea how to help his son here either. It was easier to ignore the situations and let Lee cope with them on his own.
His eyes returned to the monitor and he watched in awe as Lee attempted to cross his foot over his shoulder. He squirmed and flopped on the floor in vain attempts to find relief. At one point, Lee had actually managed to get his foot stuck behind his neck. It hurt. Lee cried out in pain and rocked against the wall until his foot was free.
Adama dared to hope Lee was coming to the end of his ordeal. He seemed so much more lucid. He squelched the urge to again go to his son. Would he recognize me yet?
Lee settled back on the floor and checked out his surroundings. He looked to the window in the door. “Where did dad go?”
Adama was stunned. Had Lee really seen him? His hand stretched out to the phone nearby on the table. “Send Cottle in.”
“Dad? Are you here?” Lee gazed around the room. “Can I have something to eat? I’m hungry.” He swallowed hard. “A drink maybe? My throat is really dry.”
Adama’s relief swelled. He held his breath to contain his emotions until Cottle arrived.
“What?” Cottle stood in the doorway.
Adama pointed to the screen. “He’s talking. He’s asking for food and water. He’s hungry.” As a final gesture, he added. “He asked for me.” No one would ever know how much it had meant to him.
Cottle raised an eyebrow. “Really?” His skepticism was obvious.
Adama nodded. “It’s possible he could be better. You have to admit it. The worst is over. We can get him out of that barbarism and get him some nourishment.”
Cottle wasn’t buying it for a moment. “You think he’s all right in the head? He’s over it?”
Adama angrily rose. “Damn it! He’s suffering. He needs food and water. You can’t deny him. It’s inhuman.”
Just then, Lee’s voice broke the tension. “Dad? Water? Please? My throat really hurts. It’s hard to talk.”
Cottle watched the screen closely for signs of the true situation.
“SEE!” Adama demanded.
Cottle held his hand up to silence him. “Let the man speak.” It was as if Cottle knew exactly what was going on inside Lee’s head.
“Dad! PLEASE!” He pushed himself against the wall and climbed to his feet. “I’m so hungry. The roaches… The roaches are gone. Can’t I have something from Zak’s plate? Please? I promise I’ll be good!”
Adama paled and sank back into his seat.
Cottle was moved by the situation. He clasped the admiral’s shoulder. “It’s just too soon. His brain is sorting through too many things.”
Adama waved him off. “I’m sorry to have bothered you.”
Cottle sighed. “If he sleeps, we’ll get in and get him some water. It’s all we can do right now.”
Adama couldn’t meet the doctor’s eyes. “Why can’t we just sedate him?”
Cottle’s head dropped. “The drug combined with the poison… It would only make things worse.” He squeezed Adama’s shoulder. “You have to trust me. If there was anything else I could do for him, I would.”
Adama nodded and added, in a whisper. “I do. I know you’re doing all you can.”
Cottle released Adama’s shoulder. “And so are you. You have to believe that.”
Adama knew it was the truth. He returned his full attention to the monitor. Lee was bouncing off the padded walls. He even giggled now and again, seeming to enjoy it.
He finally stopped and slid down to the floor again, his legs stretched out before him.
“Dad, I tried doing something else to distract my mind. It didn’t work. I’m still hungry. Are you sure I can’t have anything?”
Adama dreaded thinking he would ever really deny his son food. He thought about the blunt comments he’d made about Lee’s weight gain. His son had lost all the weight now, but still, he hadn’t been very supportive.
“Lee, if you want
food, you need to do some serious out of the box thinking!”
“Out of the box…” Lee whispered over and over again.
Adama watched in horror as Lee again struggled to bend, but this time, he wasn’t trying to sooth an itch. He was attempting to catch his foot with his mouth and when he had, he began to bite and chew. Lee would find something to eat, it seemed.
Chapter Seven
Adama watched in dismay as Lee gnawed on his foot. At first he held his breath, terrified Lee would actually be able to eat flesh from his foot. He shook off his worry as it became apparent no matter how strong Lee’s desire was, his teeth and body were not able to accomplish the task. Lee would lose hold of his foot and struggle to reclaim it, biting even harder the next time.
Lee’s foot would be terribly bruised, but it wasn’t even a minor concern to Adama at the time.
He rubbed his temples. He was fighting the desire to leave. Recently, he had begun fighting his own subconscious. He wanted sleep. He was tired, emotionally, physically and mentally. He wanted to leave the small, cramped monitoring room and stretch out on his own rack, away from everyone, everything, and most of all, his son’s agony.
“What kind of a father are you, Adama?” His voice echoed off the walls and reentered his ears. “Oh yeah, a bad one.” He laughed to himself. “And you thought you were getting better…”
He let out a deep, emotional sigh. “Oh, Lee. You deserved better.” He watched the monitor in silence. “You must hate me deep down.” He thought about Lee’s supposed attack on his mother. “Both of us… No wonder you didn’t want to come to the decommissioning.”
He drummed his fingers on the table and watched his son continue to struggle with his foot.
‘I’m here, watching this struggle, not for you, but for me. Living through this nightmare with you, is my punishment for the times I missed, good or bad.’ At least the brutal honesty was finally entering his conscious mind.
A knock at the door startled Adama. He looked to find Cottle entering. “I need to watch him for some signs.”
Adama slid his chair over. “What signs?” Adama was tempted to roll his eyes. As if Lee was giving any conclusive or recognizable signs.
“I need a chance to get in and get some fluids into him. If we see him nodding off, or relatively calm, I’ll go in.” Cottle said nonchalantly as he sat down.
“We’ get to watch, but ‘you’ get to go in?” Adama questioned.
“I don’t run your CIC. You don’t run my life station.” Cottle droned.
“I might be a calming influence on him.” Adama offered optimistically. It slipped out before he’d really thought it through.
“Or you might cause him to go after the other foot.” Cottle watched the monitor.
“I told you he was hungry.”
As if he heard the men discussing him, Lee looked in the direction of the camera, his foot falling to the floor. “Dad? Really? Thank you.”
Lee began to eat from an imaginary table before him. Having no arms, he leaned forward and ate as an animal would.
Adama looked away. “How much longer?” It was all so unnerving.
Cottle ignored the true intent of the question. “His mind thinks he’s eating. He may be calm enough to feed soon. He’ll tire and rest. Let’s hope he thinks he’s eating turkey.”
Adama shot the doctor a glare, but he knew there was no answer to this question. “He tried to eat his foot.”
“If he wasn’t restrained, he could have caused some serious damage.”
Adama rolled his neck.
“You could take a walk. I’ll watch him.” Cottle spoke gently. “You don’t have to leave, just walk around a bit.”
It then struck Adama. “Why are you here?”
Cottle raised an eyebrow. “I told you.”
Adama shook his head. “You have lots of medics who could be here waiting for a break.”
Cottle released just the slightest hint of an embarrassed smile, but sucked it quickly back. “These things have to be handled well. We can’t take any risks.”
Adama smiled knowingly. “Thank you.”
Cottle grumbled. “I’m just doing my job.”
Adama clasped the doctor’s shoulder. “You’re saving his pride, his privacy.” As a show of good faith, he walked into the hallway and stretched his legs. He eyed the small tray Cottle had left outside Lee’s cell.
A few moments later, Cottle appeared. Without a word, he popped the cell door open and entered carrying the tray. Adama moved quickly back and planted himself at the monitor. He wasn’t going to interfere this time. As he watched, he released a held breath. It seemed to be going smoothly.
Cottle set the tray down and began by helping a very subdued patient drink some of the water.
Adama turned up the volume and listened.
“There you go, Son. Drink it slowly.”
Lee mumbled something, but Adama couldn’t make it out.
Adama watched as Cottle manipulated both the bottle of water and the syringe filled with a nutritional supplement. As Lee swallowed the water, Cottle snuck a thin tube down Lee’s throat. All at once he drove the plunger down on the syringe and the fluid moved quickly through the tube.
Lee coughed and sputtered. Cottle quickly offered more water and Lee accepted. His mind was so scrambled; he wasn’t fighting any of the discomfort.
Yet Adama’s heart had ached at the cognizance Lee seemed to be exhibiting. He held his breath again when Cottle made his move. He had expected a violent response from his son. He exhaled slowly when there was none.
Cottle ran his hand up and down Lee’s arm in an affectionate manner. It confused Adama. It also angered him. HE should be offering comfort to his son, not Cottle.
Cottle finished seeing to Lee’s needs, but his next move surprised Adama. Cottle began to loosen the buckles on the straightjacket. In a few quick seconds, it was off and Lee lay prone on the ground. Cottle rose to his feet and left Lee alone.
Adama’s eyes were still wide when Cottle reentered the monitor room. “Why? Is he better?” He was terrified to hope.
Cottle shook his head. “I suspect it will return, but it shouldn’t be on for long periods of time. It causes blood to pool in the elbows and poor circulation in the arms. It can be pretty damn painful if left on too long. He needs a break.”
Adama sighed and looked back at the monitor. “As if he isn’t in enough pain.” It occurred to him he hadn’t heard what Lee said. “What did he say? I couldn’t make it out.”
Cottle held his words. He could always claim patient confidentiality. He wasn’t sure there was anything he could say that wouldn’t hurt the Admiral at this point. “He’s… He’s a child right now. He was talking nonsense.”
“A child?” Adama asked, not understanding how his son could go from such terror to such innocence.
“His mind is all over the place. It’s not unexpected.” He dropped the straightjacket on the empty chair. “I’ll leave this here. You should consider getting some rest. I’ve got work to do elsewhere.”
Adama nodded, not fully caring.
“So… It’s been fun. Thanks for the time. Enjoy your evening.” Cottle continued his sarcasm all the way down the hallway.
Adama watched as his son seemed to be trying to catch something. The heartache intensified as he tried to imagine the innocent, childhood visions Lee seemed to be enjoying.
“Boy, don’t go too
far. Come back here. Grandpa needs to see you.”
Lee smiled back at his
grandpa. He didn’t mind grandpa’s
scolding. Grandpa loved him and it never
stung his ears when grandpa told him what to do. He looked back at the bushes, which were teaming
with the exploding flies in the twilight.
He kept reaching out to try and catch them in his cupped hands. He bopped around the bushes, catching the
small insects and enjoying them dance in his hands. He’d always release them. He never wanted to hurt them.
“Are you having fun,
boy?”
Grandpa Joe was
suddenly at his side.
Lee nodded
eagerly.
“I bet we could find
an old jar and punch some holes in the lid so you could take them home with
you.” Grandpa tried catching a few of his own.
Lee shook his
head. “That’s not nice, papa. Theys supposed to
be flying free. If ya
gots to fly, you shouldn’t be in a jar.”
Grandpa Joe tousled
his hair. “You’re a good boy, Lee. A good boy. You make your grandpa proud.”
Lee beamed at the
praise. “I wanna
fly like da bugs, papa. Can I fly like daddy and da
bugs?”
Lee noted his
grandpa’s expression change.
“There’s plenty of
time to decide what you want to do, little guy.
No need to decide now.”
Lee’s eyes filled with
tears. “Papa, why can’t I fly?”
“You can, boy. You can.
I’m just thinking you’re such a smart little guy, you might want to try
other things.”
Lee twisted his face
as he thought about his grandpa’s words.
“Like what?” His grin matched his
grandpa Joe’s.
“We’ve got plenty of
time to decide, boy. Let’s catch more
fireflies.”
Lee giggled. “They’s
not fireflies. They’s viperbugs.”
“Viperbugs?”
“Sure, they’s just like little vipers,
with the thrust on.”
Joe smiled. “Did your daddy tell you that?”
Lee scowled. “Na uh. Daddy don’t come play with me. He’s got to be on his ship. I figured it out by myself.”
Grandpa Joe
disappeared and Lee was alone. With
youthful optimism, he shook off his sadness and went back to catching ‘viperbugs’.
A large swarm of bugs
flew at Lee. He stared at it, dreaming
of how many he could catch from such a large group. Soon, they were swarming all around him. He giggled with glee until the swarm grew
larger and larger. Lee’s panic
grew. He swung his arms wildly to ward
them off.
Soon, they were so
thick; there was no air to take in. He
felt himself beign slowly smothered.
Adama watched his son’s motion grow broader and broader. His arms swung violently at the open air. He knew his son was deep in the grasp of a vicious hallucination again.
Lee began to throw himself against the walls of his room. He bounced from wall to wall, each impact becoming harsher. Lee slapped at his arms and head. It seemed he was trying to kill something. Some of Lee’s hits were so hard Adama knew it would leave marks.
Watching his son, he was reminded of a game he’d once played in an arcade. A ball was slapped around to bounce off the side walls. The ball continued to bounce around, kept in motion by paddles.
What worried him about the memory was the end of the game. If you didn’t pay attention, and keep the paddles in action, the ball would slide through them, disappearing into a dark void, sometimes, never to return.
Chapter Eight
Lee’s hallucinations continued for two additional days. He spent his time alternating between the straightjacket and injuring himself. The chairs in the monitoring room were replaced with a small padded bench. Adama couldn’t fully stretch out on it, but he could rest a bit easier.
It had taken some convincing, but he’d left long enough to clean up. He called in to CIC, but didn’t have the heart to put in an appearance. Glancing at himself in the mirror, he didn’t think it would be a confidence inspiring move anyway. He looked like hell and he knew it. Only Lee might look worse right now. It wasn’t something he enjoyed thinking about.
“What did he say that day?” Adama asked as Cottle stood in the hall, preparing to enter the padded cell again.
“What day?” Cottle grumbled, checking that he had all the supplies he would need. They needed to be secure, but quickly accessible.
“You said he was a child. What did he say to make you think that?” Adama pressed. It had seemed insignificant at the time, but it nagged at him as the ordeal went on.
“What difference does it make? He was rambling on in a childish voice.” Cottle never wanted this conversation. He’d begun to hope it wouldn’t happen. He turned on Adama. “Look, we’re nearing the end, sorta. Let’s get this check over with and maybe, just maybe, we can get him out of this cell and into a bed.”
“He’s…”
“He’s calmer and it seems the hallucinations are subsiding.” Cottle clarified, knowing the offered hope would distract.
“Really? He’s come through this? He might be ok?”
Hearing the hope and relief in the admiral’s voice was almost overwhelming to the normally blunt doctor. “The hallucinations might be over. He’s not recovered. It’s all going to depend on how much he remembers and how he and everyone else handles what has happened.”
“What do you mean?” Adama knew he’d had days to ask these questions, but it hadn’t seemed possible to think of Lee’s recovery at the time. He was in survival mode.
Cottle sighed to mask his relief. “Recovery will depend entirely on how much of the experience he remembers. Many men can’t handle the memories and kill themselves within two months of the end of hallucinations. Some are so mortified; it leads to the same results.” He watched Adama’s face falling. Despite his typical instinct, he offered hope. “Some come to know it was a poison, nothing was real and no one blames them and get better.”
“Two months?” Adama’s voice was now filled with dread. He hadn’t really heard Cottle’s peace offering. “So long?”
“Physically, he’s a mess. Once his body is sorted out, he’ll start working on his mind. It’s a natural progression.” He coughed. “I think we’re going to have to be careful with how much we tell him about your involvement. And we should talk to the others close to him about how to behave. They need to truly understand this was the poison, not Lee going berserk.”
“What do you mean?”
“He’s your son. How proud of this experience would you be? Would you want to know people watched you go through this experience? Much less a father who’s shadow you struggle daily?”
Adama was stunned. He’d thought about his shadow. He assumed Lee fought it to a degree. No one had spoken of it before now, not even Roslin. He assumed an angry scowl. “Go check my son, and when you’re done, I want to know exactly what my son said to you.”
Cottle rolled his eyes. He knew instantly why he’d never been interested in the command aspect of the military. He sucked at strategy. He was basically skilled in medicine and intimidation. Strategy was a factor in neither. He wasn’t about to leave the chat looming over his head. “He was mumbling, begging his daddy to save him. He promised he’d be good.”
He won that round. Adama slunk back against the wall as he considered the revelation.
A few seconds later, Cottle reemerged. He summoned two orderlies and Lee was quickly placed on a gurney and moved into a more private area of life station. Adama didn’t have time to further consider Cottle’s admission. He followed Lee.
It didn’t last long. As he stepped into the curtained off area, Cottle put a hand to his chest and pushed him out. “You can leave now.”
“Leave? No. I need to see him.” Adama argued.
Cottle shook his head. “No, now is the time you need to rest, eat a decent meal and clean up.”
“But…”
“Apollo is going to get the same. We’re going to clean him up, get some nutrients into him and let him sleep. Those are the only things he needs right now.” He pushed his final statement. “Notice, hovering father wasn’t on the list.”
“But… I don’t want him to wake alone.”
“He won’t. We won’t be leaving him alone.” He sighed. “He’s going to be out of it for some time, maybe days or even weeks.” Before Adama could interject an argument, he went on. “He needs the rest. His body is a mess. LET him REST!” He poked Adama in the chest and then added. “If everyone is going to get through this, you need to get back to what you do best. Clean yourself up and get back to work. Lee can’t use you right now. Not that anything has changed in that department.”
“Lee…” His words faded off as he looked over Cottle’s shoulder and saw his son’s limp form. Lee reacted to nothing. His eyes were closed. Adama could only hope he was getting the sleep he so obviously needed. His shoulders began to fall, but he snapped to attention. “If anything, anything at all changes…”
“We’ll call you instantly.” Cottle rolled his eyes. “I’ll have the medics call you before they call me, how’s that?” He turned away before Adama could snap out a response.
Adama took one final look at Lee and left life station.
It really didn’t surprise him to find Saul Tigh in his quarters. “I was planning on returning. Has it been so long you decided you got my quarters?”
Tigh drained his glass. “Fat chance. I don’t want this room. Too much to keep track of. It’s your job.”
“But you’ve been doing it for a few days now.” Adama added as a way of thanking him.
“Yeah, whatever. Cottle says he’s out of the cell now. That’s good. He wasn’t able to off himself.”
Adama frowned at Tigh choice of words. “No, he’s still with us. He’s resting.”
Tigh nodded. “So you can too.” He went to the decanter and poured himself a refill and handed a glass half-filled to Adama as well. “To Lee. Let’s get him back on his feet, soon.”
“Cottle says it may be a while yet.” Adama took a large sip, but held it in his mouth and allowed it to slowly drain down his throat. He needed to feel the burn. He needed to feel something. It occurred to him how numb he was feeling.
Tigh snorted softly. “We still don’t know if he’s frakked-up in the head?”
Adama’s scowl grew. “Are you trying to help?”
Tigh waved his hand. “Just calling it like I see it.” He set his glass down. “I see you aren’t quite ready to stand a watch in CIC.”
Adama chuckled. “I was going to, but after those two cracks about my son, I think I’ll take a long, hot shower and a nap first.”
Tigh frowned. “So, a couple hours?”
Adama narrowed his eyes. “It’s going to be a long shower and even longer nap.”
Tigh fumbled for words. “Yeah, right… well, you enjoy… Keep me posted.”
“It seems Cottle already does. We can leave it at that.” Adama pulled open the buttons of his uniform jacket. Old habits die hard. He had re-buttoned it for the walk back to his quarters. He’d hardly worn it in the past few days.
Tigh had a biting reply, but held it back. He knew he’d already been too blunt. He bid his old friend good rest and left.
Adama indulged in a hot, scalding shower. He stayed longer than he should have. His skin was pink with heat when he finally stepped out to towel off. Deep down he wondered if he was trying to punish himself further.
Lee’s hallucinations had involved him being an absentee father who didn’t help him. It was the truth. Cottle claimed he shouldn’t take anything that happened to Lee to heart. All they observed was one side of the memory and Lee’s own brain was twisting things. His head knew this. His heart broke to think he’d caused his son pain.
A childish Lee pleaded for his father to stop the hurt. How could he not wonder if this was Lee’s subconscious reciting the truth of their situation, even now?
He sat on the edge of his rack and began to go through all his interactions with his son, in both the far and recent past. How many times had he denied his sons due to duty? How many times had he reprimanded his sons for their choices, when deep down, he was really proud of them?
He stretched out on the mattress and let out the breath he’d been holding.
“You don't lose
control.”
“Thanks.”
“No. You gotta lose control. Let your instincts take
over.”
“I thought we were just sparring.”
“That's why you don't win.”
“This
whole thing is frakking insane. We've got two
ships at half strength. We've got crews that haven't seen action in a year and
a half and you're acting like the only problem is they're not working hard
enough?”
“Have
you taken a look at yourself in the mirror lately? You're weak, soft! Mentally and physically.”
“This
isn't about me.”
“You've
had four months to get your act together. And so far, all you've been able to frakkin do is to complain and whine about how hard it
is. Well guess what, it's going to get a lot harder. Do you understand
me? Now I want you to turn around and get your fat ass out of here. Get your
men ready, or I'll find someone who can. Dismissed!”
“You sound like some
kind of a lawyer...”
“I swore an oath... to
defend the articles. The articles
say there's an election in seven months. Now,
if you're telling me we're throwing out the law, then I'm
not a Captain, you're not a Commander
and you are not the President.
And I don't owe either of
you a damned explanation for anything.”
“He's your son.”
“He's your adviser.”
“An election...”
“I guess you finally picked
your side.
“And if it was me down there instead?”
“You don’t have to ask.”
“Are you sure?”
“If it were you... we'd never leave.”
He spoke to the darkness of his quarters. “Why should you believe me?” Adama sighed. “How can I help my son now, when he doesn’t trust me to be there for him?” I don’t know if I trust myself? I always seem to do the wrong thing. He needs me, I’m gone. I shouldn’t be there and yet I stayed.
* B * S * G *
Lee Adama was vaguely aware of his body being manipulated. He said nothing.
He felt the tube being shoved down his throat again, but he had absolutely no urge to cry out and never opened his eyes.
He felt his body being cleansed and bandaged by hands, but he never opened his eyes to see whom they belonged to.
Finally, he felt the pinch of metal as it pricked his wrist. He imagined the fluid coursing into his veins. He fought to focus on these tangible feelings, praying they were real.
He heard the hushed whispers, but ignored them. He didn’t recognize any of the voices. They were of no importance to him anyway.
He was fairly certain he would never open his eyes again. It seemed too much to ask.
“I gave the order. It
was my responsibility.”
“You know? Sometimes it feels like the whole
ship thinks, uh, Starbuck would do better.”
“I don't.”
“How can you be so sure?”
'Cause you're my son.”
“ I've given Lee full authority on this issue. The decision is his.”
“President
wasn't very happy today.”
“No. Ever since you ejected from the blackbird, you've
been different. Harder to reach. I'm just trying to
understand.”
“Well, like you said, dad. We've all been through a lot”.
“Fair enough. But you should have told me about the woman.”
“He
was used to working with machines. Command is about people.”
“Remember that. I want you to take comman
d... of the beast. Garner
was my decision. His failure's my responsibility. Don't let me fail a second
time. Congratulations, Commander.”
“We’d never leave.”
“We’d never leave.”
“We’d never leave.”
Lee had only one thought as he succumbed to the
darkness. ‘Where are you, dad? I think I
need your help. I don’t want to open my eyes again.’
Chapter Nine
Lee slept. He woke more often than he let on. He had no desire to open his eyes. He knew it meant he had to face… something… anything… everything. His mind was hard enough without the pressures of the external world. He’d experienced it all in his mind. Worse, his mind continued to throw residual nightmares at him.
It had seemed like the
right thing to do, until the path before him suddenly disappeared. He’d never get inside the cylon
refining compound. He would die here and
now as his viper crashed into the wall before him. The tunnel banked sharply upward. His ship would not.
He watched in slow
motion as his viper nose crumbled in. He
watched the intake manifolds crash toward him.
As the first hit the back of his control panel, sparks erupted and all
his displays bounced from their casings, allowing the flames behind them to
escape and tickle his body.
They didn’t tickle
long. Soon the flames lapped at his
flight suit, penetrating the protective layers and licking at his tender
flesh. He watched in horror as his skin
darkened and the burn spread up his body.
Why couldn’t he have just died quickly? Why did he experience each agonizing moment of death?
He had become adept at sensing the presence of someone in the room. He carefully regulated his breathing and denied the urge to clench his eyes shut or scream out at the images lingering behind his lids. It was a strange sort of control. Control was what he was good at. He didn’t give a frak what his father said, he wasn’t going to lose control. He knew control was the only thing that might possibly get him through this.
“I know I frakked up a couple moves up
there… but did I pass?” Lee demanded to know the truth. He had to live up to the Adama name. There was no way he wouldn’t fly a viper like
his brother or father.
“You passed. By the skin of your teeth, but you passed,
Lee.”
He thought about her
words as he watched the ground rise up to claim him. There was no control for his bird. He couldn’t avoid this fate. At speeds measured in kilometers per
microsecond, he would smash into the ground, nose first.
He only prayed to die quickly this time.
He’d heard the whispers. His father had been true to his word. He’d never left. From what Lee could discern, his father had watched every second of his horror. Lee felt humiliated. To think, he’d wanted nothing but comfort from him. How would his father comfort him when he’d seen his son at his lowest? Lee could only imagine what he must have looked like, much less how he had acted.
Had his father sat
there watching just to prove his son’s inadequacies?
Adama watched his son. “Lee, it’s been four days. Stop this. I know you’re faking. Cottle knows it and so does the medical staff…” He rolled his head to alleviate the tension and perhaps a bit of his frustration.
Cottle had come to him last night. “We need to shake him up.”
Lee’s heart skipped a beat. He almost succumbed to his father’s order and opened his eyes, almost. He’d wait to experience his latest death instead.
Adama held his breath a moment, wondering if his son was really listening. Drawing a deep breath, he tried once more. “I don’t know what you remember. Maybe everything? Maybe nothing? Fragments probably confuse you more. Laying here isn’t going to change it. It was a poison. Nothing you went through was real. I pray! You can’t sort it out with your eyes closed. There are people here to help. Let us help.”
It took everything Lee had left to withstand his father’s assault. There was a part of him who wanted to reach back and be pulled into the comforting paternal words. However, Lee had spent too much time searching his memories, both real and poison induced. He spent his long, isolated hours searching for evidence of which father he actually had. No matter what, there wasn’t a history of the comfort Lee craved at the moment. Had things changed enough between them? Lee wasn’t sure yet.
Was his childhood more
the abusive experience of his hallucinations?
Were they based in
fact?
Did he at least now have
a strong fatherly support system to rely on?
Did he need his
father? He’d always managed to come
through life’s traumas before. Perhaps
he could now again?
He wanted to laugh. There was no fatherly support system. The gentle hug Lee so desperately sought was a rare event, certainly not frequent enough to bring optimism now.
But his father had
sounded so sincere?
Lee had no idea how long it took his father to give up, but he allowed a small sigh to escape when he sensed isolation return. He forced his memories deep down and encouraged his dreams to command his mental world. He would need to find his answers in his mind before he would face the world.
Soon, he drifted off to a place of darkness. There were no horrific nightmares, nor soothing images. There was only black and it was all Lee needed or wanted at the moment.
A small light flickered in the darkness. Lee ignored it at first, but the flickers intensified and he was compelled to deal with it. He turned to it in the darkness and watched. It mesmerized him. He inched his way closer to it. As he neared it, he felt his body begin to warm. The light felt good.
It grew ever closer and soon revealed shapes and sounds within its spectrum. He watched in fascination as images took shape. He saw tall trees and green lawns. There was a figure as well, but it wasn’t yet resolved.
Lee was continuing to advance when he felt tiny feet creeping along his skin.
Cockroaches!
He sucked in a deep breath and kept going. He wanted nothing more than to leave the roaches behind forever.
The closer he got, the more they crawled. The twitching of their spindly legs screeched in his ears. He swallowed and pushed it all away.
The annoying noise evolved into words. ´There’s
nothing here for you. You’re weak…
soft…”
Lee stopped his advance, surrounded instantly by the verbal admonishments and creeping roaches.
What was real?
He glanced to the light. The figure he couldn’t make out before was clear now. It was his father. His father stood outside on a glorious, sunny day. He was surrounded by tools and wood. He was building something.
Neither was real. What did he want?
Lee wasn’t entirely sure what lay ahead of him in the light. The darkness clung to him like an old friend. It soothed him in a sick way. He was used to it. It didn’t disappoint him. He couldn’t disappoint it either. In some ways, it was good for him.
The light offered only
the potential for bitter disappointment.
* B * S * G *
Adama lay on his rack, contemplating his options. He wanted to help Lee. He’d been so very wrong to stay with his son. Even now, each time he saw his son, the terrible experience flooded back to him. How could he help his son? Wasn’t he as tainted as Lee?
What would Lee say when he discovered his father knew everything, or had at least watched him suffer?
Adama knew he’d told his son a man lives with his decisions, but in this case, he knew how pathetic it sounded. Could he have been so horribly wrong? Had he once again saw to his own needs before those of his son? Had he learned nothing? Would he always be so blindly selfish?
* B * S * G *
Lee inched forward. The light called to him. He wanted it. He pulled himself toward it until he was so close, he could push himself into its heart. He hesitated. The darkness offered comfort. With one last glance into the abyss, he shoved himself into the light.
“Dad? Is
this enough nails?” Lee awkwardly carried a bucket of nails, leaving a trail
from the garage to the work site.
William Adama beamed
at his young son. “Sure, Lee. That’s plenty. Did you carry that whole bucket all this
way?”
Lee’s smile spread
from ear to ear and his vivid, blue eyes sparkled. “I sure did.
I’m strong like you.”
Adama chuckled. “Good, now help me with that board. This tree house won’t build itself.”
B * S * G
According to scuttlebutt, the major had opened his eyes four days ago, but said nothing. Cally had talked to one of the nurses, who’d overheard the admiral barking commands at his son in an attempt to get any kind of reaction. It hadn’t worked. Cottle had eventually forced the military man out of the area.
He’d have the chance to be there for his son thanks to the major.
Just as they had begun to stick a tube down the major’s nose that same day, he’d screamed out for them to stop and leave him alone.
Adama, undeterred, had returned in time to jump in and Lee begrudgingly allowed his father to feed him broth instead. He still said nothing, but the simple action of his son taking food had lightened Adama’s heart enough to spread hope through the entire ship. Ever since the gas accident, there’d been a dark cloud engulfing the ship.
According to Cally’s source, the major said nothing more until the following day when he’d finally grown tired of the Admiral’s persistent questioning.
“Dad, please let me
sleep.”
The chief had run into the admiral yesterday. He’d asked if the major was taking visitors. Adama encouraged the chief to visit.
“It might be good for
him to see someone other than me.”
“I’d like to thank
him… he, ah… He saved my life that day.
He pushed me out of the way.”
Adama had been moved by the confession. “I think it would be good for him to hear that. Stop in and see him. Just…” Adama hadn’t known how to warn the chief about Lee’s mood swings.
Lee heard the title, but it didn’t always occur to him they meant him. He slowly turned to meet the voice.
The chief’s heart thundered in his chest as the major slowly rolled over.
Lee hesitated a moment, swallowing the bitter greeting he wanted to instinctively offer. Instead he said quietly. “What do you want?”
Lee’s thoughts had been fuzzy at best for the past few days. He had no idea why the chief would be here to see him. As he wracked his brain, it finally came to him. “Are you alright, Chief? You weren’t injured in the…” He faltered for the word to describe the situation. “accident?”
The chief looked away, feeling selfish. He’d come to thank the man and he manages to ask about him first. “No, sir. You… Well, that’s why I wanted to stop by… I wanted to thank you. You saved me. You pushed Snot and I out the room… You saved us.”
Lee looked away, finally remembering. “I had to…” He whispered.
“Why?”
Lee did ignore the question, for now. It lingered in the back of his brain. “I think… I think you were in the hall too. Were you?”
“Sorry.” Lee whispered.
Lee nodded. “Thanks.”
“Well, I won’t bother you any longer. I’m… I’m looking forward to having you back on duty, sir.” He turned to leave, not sure he felt better.
“Chief…” Lee
hesitated until
The chief finally turned his head. “Swimming?”
Lee nodded. “When I was little, we used to swim all the time, my brother and I… We used to have contests to hold our breath… I… I knew I could hold my breath, so I pushed the two of you…” Lee’s words drifted off. “I held my breath as long as possible.”
The chief looked toward his escape and closed his eyes. He opened them, turned back to the major and smiled. “Thanks. I… I appreciate the… There’s my son… You…”
Lee offered a small smile and nodded. “You’re welcome.”
B * S * G
“Dad. Stop. Cottle cleared me for duty. There’s no need for this.” Lee demanded weeks later.
“Lee…” He paused until Lee was done rolling his eyes. “Cottle also thinks you should consider some counseling. You admitted to flashbacks.”
“He cleared me.” Lee growled and shook his head. “Why doesn’t anyone believe me? I don’t remember much.” Lee lied. Everyone knew it. “Tell me what I need to do to convince you and I’ll do it. Can’t we move on? I’m lucky, remember? I’m one of the few who survive. If I don’t get back to normal soon… Everyone will…”
Adama thought about Helo and the Chief. Lee had admitted to vague memories of escaping and an encounter with them, but nothing specific. He’d met with each in private. As far as the crew knew, Lee had been incredibly lucky and survived his run in with nix-piss unscathed.
He wished their admiral could say the same. “I… I just want to help. I don’t… You shouldn’t hold this in.”
Lee sighed and shook his head slowly. “I’m fine. All I need is to get back to work. I need to move on. I need to know you…” Suddenly, Lee understood his father’s uncertainty. “Do you need to talk about it, dad?”
“What?” Adama stammered.
“All the focus has been on me.” Lee knew instantly he was right. “I know… You watched it all… You don’t trust me, because you think… You saw…” Lee shook his head. “Weird dreams. That’s all it was. None of it was real. You said so yourself. I know it.” Lee swallowed and took several deep breaths.
He’d struggled with the news of his father’s observation. So far, they hadn’t discussed it. In the end, his soul needed to believe it was his father’s way of proving he’d never leave, even if it left Lee feeling vulnerable. He didn’t want to risk finding out differently now. “Dad… thank you.”
“For what?” Adama was still stuck on Lee’s statement. ‘None of it was real’
Lee thought about the brief conversation he’d had with Cottle and others. “I know you stayed with me the whole time. It couldn’t have been easy. It means… It means a lot to me. It ultimately helped me…” His voice dropped to a whisper. “Open my eyes again.”
Adama fumbled for a response. It wasn’t what was supposed to happen. His son wasn’t supposed to comfort him. “I only… it was just a monitor. I don’t think any less…” It was as if his son had looked directly into his soul.
Lee thought a moment. “It must have been hard to watch half of a situation.”
“What do you mean?” Adama thought he was buying time to find adequate words.
Lee smiled, feeling better than he had in a long time. “You only saw me reacting to whatever I was hallucinating. I don’t suppose it made much sense… Is that? Is that why you don’t believe me? It was dreams, dad. I know that. Nothing was real.” He chuckled. “I suppose you could have spent all this time dreaming up nightmares equal to or worse than mine. Maybe you need the therapy, dad?”
It was obvious he was teasing. It was also obvious, it felt good to him.
Adama’s mind swam. Lee was right and wrong. The entire experience had been all too real, at least to Adama. For the first time, he began to believe Lee was dealing with it. He saw all too clearly Lee was right. He owed it to his son to face it himself. His penance was to work through this. He sighed. “It was a powerful experience.”
“For both of us.” Lee nodded. He smiled. “I remember one dream perfectly.”
“What was that?” Adama worried it would cause Lee pain to speak of it, but his
son seemed to want to discuss it. He
wouldn’t shut down the process.
“A tree house. We built a treehouse.”