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We
all know what anger is, and we've all felt it: whether as a fleeting annoyance or as
full-fledged rage.
Anger is a completely normal, usually healthy, human emotion. But when it gets out of
control and turns destructive, it can lead to problems-problems at work, in your personal
relationships, and in the overall quality of your life. And it can make you feel as though
you're at the mercy of an unpredictable and powerful emotion.
The Nature of Anger
Anger is "an emotional state that varies in intensity from mild irritation to intense
fury and rage". Like other emotions, it is accompanied by physiological and
biological changes; when you get angry, your heart rate and blood pressure go up, as do
the levels of your energy hormones, adrenaline, and noradrenaline.
Anger can be caused by both external and internal events. You could be angry at a specific
person (Such as a coworker or supervisor) or event (a traffic jam, a canceled flight), or
your anger could be caused by worrying or brooding about your personal problems. Memories
of traumatic or enraging events can also trigger angry feelings.
Expressing Anger
The instinctive, natural way to express anger is to respond aggressively. Anger is a
natural, adaptive response to threats; it inspires powerful, often aggressive, feelings
and behaviors, which allow us to fight and to defend ourselves when we are attacked. A
certain amount of anger, therefore, is necessary to our survival.
On the other hand, we can't physically lash out at every person or object that irritates
or annoys us; laws, social norms, and common sense place limits on how far our anger can
take us.
People use a variety of both conscious and unconscious processes to deal with their angry
feelings. The three main approaches are expressing, suppressing, and calming. Expressing
your angry feelings in an assertive-not aggressive-manner is the healthiest way to express
anger. To do this, you have to learn how to make clear what your needs are, and how to get
them met, without hurting others. Being assertive doesn't mean being pushy or demanding;
it means being respectful of yourself and others.
Anger can be suppressed, and then converted or redirected. This happens when you hold in
your anger, stop thinking about it, and focus on something positive. The aim is to inhibit
or suppress your anger and convert it into more constructive behavior. The danger in this
type of response is that if it isn't allowed outward expression, your anger can turn
inward-on yourself. Anger turned inward may cause hypertension, high blood pressure, or
depression.
Unexpressed anger can create other problems. It can lead to pathological expressions of
anger, such as passive-aggressive behavior (getting back at people indirectly, without
telling them why, rather than confronting them head-on) or a personality that seems
perpetually cynical and hostile. People who are constantly putting others down,
criticizing everything, and making cynical comments haven't learned how to constructively
express their anger. Not surprisingly, they aren't likely to have many successful
relationships.
Finally, you can calm down inside. This means not just controlling your outward behavior,
but also controlling your internal responses, taking steps to lower your heart rate, calm
yourself down, and let the feelings subside.
Anger Management
Easily angered people don't always curse and throw things; sometimes they withdraw
socially, sulk, or get physically ill.
People who are easily angered generally have what some psychologists call a low tolerance
for frustration, meaning simply that they feel that they should not have to be subjected
to frustration, inconvenience, or annoyance. They can't take things in stride, and they're
particularly infuriated if the situation seems somehow unjust: for example, being
corrected for a minor mistake.
What makes these people this way? A number of things. One cause may be genetic or
physiological: There is evidence that some children are born irritable, touchy, and easily
angered, and that these signs are present from a very early age. Another may be
sociocultural. Anger is often regarded as negative; we're taught that it's all right to
express anxiety, depression, or other emotions but not to express anger. As a result, we
don't learn how to handle it or channel it constructively.
Typically, people who are easily angered come from families that are disruptive, chaotic,
and not skilled at emotional communications.
Strategies To Keep Anger At Bay
Relaxation
Simple relaxation tools, such as deep breathing and relaxing imagery, can help calm down
angry feelings. If you are involved in a relationship where both partners are
hot-tempered, it might be a good idea for both of you to learn these techniques.
Some simple steps you can try:
Breathe deeply, from your diaphragm;
breathing from your chest won't relax you. Picture your breath coming up from your
"gut."
Slowly repeat a calm word or phrase such
as "relax," "take it easy." Repeat it to yourself while breathing
deeply.
Use imagery; visualize a relaxing
experience, from either your memory or your imagination.
Nonstrenuous, slow yoga-like exercises
can relax your muscles and make you feel much calmer.
Practice these techniques daily. Learn
to use them automatically when you're in a tense situation.
Cognitive Restructuring
Simply put, this means changing the way you think. Angry people tend to curse, swear, or
speak in highly colorful terms that reflect their inner thoughts. When you're angry, your
thinking can get very exaggerated and overly dramatic. Try replacing these thoughts with
more rational ones. For instance, instead of telling yourself, "oh, it's awful, it's
terrible, everything's ruined," tell yourself, "it's frustrating, and it's
understandable that I'm upset about it, but it's not the end of the world and getting
angry is not going to fix it anyhow."
Be careful of words like "never" or "always" when talking about
yourself or someone else. "This !&*%@ machine never works," or "you're
always forgetting things" are not just inaccurate, they also serve to make you feel
that your anger is justified and that there's no way to solve the problem. They also
alienate and humiliate people who might otherwise be willing to work with you on a
solution.
Remind yourself that getting angry is not going to fix anything, that it won't make you
feel better (and may actually make you feel worse).
Logic defeats anger, because anger, even when it's justified, can quickly become
irrational. So use cold hard logic on yourself. Remind yourself that the world is
"not out to get you," you're just experiencing some of the rough spots of daily
life. Do this each time you feel anger getting the best of you, and it'll help you get a
more balanced perspective. Angry people tend to demand things: fairness, appreciation,
agreement, willingness to do things their way. Everyone wants these things, and we are all
hurt and disappointed when we don't get them, but angry people demand them, and when their
demands aren't met, their disappointment becomes anger. As part of their cognitive
restructuring, angry people need to become aware of their demanding nature and translate
their expectations into desires. In other words, saying, "I would like"
something is healthier than saying, "I demand" or "I must have"
something. When you're unable to get what you want, you will experience the normal
reactions-frustration, disappointment, hurt-but not anger. Some angry people use this
anger as a way to avoid feeling hurt, but that doesn't mean the hurt goes away.
Problem Solving
Sometimes, our anger and frustration are caused by very real and inescapable problems in
our lives. Not all anger is misplaced, and often it's a healthy, natural response to these
difficulties. There is also a cultural belief that every problem has a solution, and it
adds to our frustration to find out that this isn't always the case. The best attitude to
bring to such a situation, then, is not to focus on finding the solution, but rather on
how you handle and face the problem.
Make a plan, and check your progress along the way. Resolve to give it your best, but also
not to punish yourself if an answer doesn't come right away. If you can approach it with
your best intentions and efforts and make a serious attempt to face it head-on, you will
be less likely to lose patience and fall into all-or-nothing thinking, even if the problem
does not get solved right away.
Better Communication
Angry people tend to jump to-and act on-conclusions, and some of those conclusions can be
very inaccurate. The first thing to do if you're in a heated discussion is slow down and
think through your responses. Don't say the first thing that comes into your head, but
slow down and think carefully about what you want to say. At the same time, listen
carefully to what the other person is saying and take your time before answering.
Listen, too, to what is underlying the anger. For instance, you like a certain amount of
freedom and personal space, and your "significant other" wants more connection
and closeness. If he or she starts complaining about your activities, don't retaliate by
painting your partner as a jailer, a warden, or an albatross around your neck.
It's natural to get defensive when you're criticized, but don't fight back. Instead,
listen to what's underlying the words: the message that this person might feel neglected
and unloved. It may take a lot of patient questioning on your part, and it may require
some breathing space, but don't let your anger-or a partner's-let a discussion spin out of
control. Keeping your cool can keep the situation from becoming a disastrous one.
Using Humor
"Silly humor" can help defuse rage in a number of ways. For one thing, it can
help you get a more balanced perspective. When you get angry and call someone a name or
refer to them in some imaginative phrase, stop and picture what that word would literally
look like. If you're at work and you think of a coworker as a "dirtbag" or a
"single-cell life form," for example, picture a large bag full of dirt (or an
amoeba) sitting at your colleague's desk, talking on the phone, going to meetings. Do this
whenever a name comes into your head about another person. If you can, draw a picture of
what the actual thing might look like. This will take a lot of the edge off your fury; and
humor can always be relied on to help unknot a tense situation.
Angry people tend to feel that they are morally right, that any blocking or changing of
their plans is an unbearable indignity and that they should NOT have to suffer this way.
Maybe other people do, but not them!
When you feel that urge, he suggests, picture yourself as a god or goddess, a supreme
ruler, who owns the streets and stores and office space, striding alone and having your
way in all situations while others defer to you. The more detail you can get into your
imaginary scenes, the more chances you have to realize that maybe you are being
unreasonable; you'll also realize how unimportant the things you're angry about really
are. There are two cautions in using humor. First, don't try to just "laugh off"
your problems; rather, use humor to help yourself face them more constructively. Second,
don't give in to harsh, sarcastic humor; that's just another form of unhealthy anger
expression.
What these techniques have in common is a refusal to take yourself too seriously. Anger is
a serious emotion, but it's often accompanied by ideas that, if examined, can make you
laugh.
Changing Your Environment
Sometimes it's our immediate surroundings that give us cause for irritation and fury.
Problems and responsibilities can weigh on you and make you feel angry at the
"trap" you seem to have fallen into and all the people and things that form that
trap.
Give yourself a break. Make sure you have some "personal time" scheduled for
times of the day that you know are particularly stressful. One example is the working
mother who has a standing rule that when she comes home from work, for the first 15
minutes "nobody talks to Mom unless the house is on fire." After this brief
quiet time, she feels better prepared to handle demands from her kids without blowing up
at them.
Some Other Tips for Easing Up on Yourself
Timing: If you and your spouse tend to fight when you discuss things at night-perhaps
you're tired, or distracted, or maybe it's just habit-try changing the times when you talk
about important matters so these talks don't turn into arguments.
Avoidance: If your child's chaotic room makes you furious every time you walk by it, shut
the door. Don't make yourself look at what infuriates you. Don't say, "well, my child
should clean up the room so I won't have to be angry!" That's not the point. The
point is to keep yourself calm.
Finding alternatives: If your daily commute through traffic leaves you in a state of rage
and frustration, give yourself a project-learn or map out a different route, one that's
less congested or more scenic. Or find another alternative, such as a bus or commuter
train.
It's true that angry people need to learn to become assertive (rather than aggressive).
These people are more passive and acquiescent than the average person; they tend to let
others walk all over them. That isn't something that most angry people do.
Remember, you can't eliminate anger-and it wouldn't be a good idea if you could. In spite
of all your efforts, things will happen that will cause you anger; and sometimes it will
be justifiable anger. Life will be filled with frustration, pain, loss, and the
unpredictable actions of others. You can't change that; but you can change the way you let
such events affect you. Controlling your angry responses can keep them from making you
even more unhappy in the long run.
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