He got good and drunk that night. He hadn't drunk alcohol in so long that it didn't take much. He wanted to erase the memories of the way he had treated Lakota. She didn't deserve what he had done.

The doorbell rang pulling him out of the pit of self-pity he was in. He managed to make his way out of the kitchen and to the front hall without falling or knocking anything off the wall. He opened the door and leaned heavily on it for support.

"Harm?" It was Harriet. He smiled brightly.

"Hey, Harriet. How's it going?" With every word he listed a little to the right so that by the time he finished his head was pressed against the wall.

"Sir, have you been drinking?" Harriet could not recall a time when he had ever drank too much. The worry became evident on her face.

"Sir, why don't we go in the living room." She wrapped an arm around his waist and used her weight to pull him toward her. He wrapped his arms around her shoulders and leaned on her. Her knees buckled and almost gave out.

"Let's go sir. Close the door." She began walking toward the couch in the room to her left. He went where she led catching the door with his hand and slamming it shut on the way.

"Harriet," he slurred, "you don't have to call me 'sir' just plain ol' Harm. 'Member you left the Navy. You don't gotta call nobody 'sir'."

She sat him on couch where he promptly fell over. Making sure he wasn't going to slide off the couch she went into the kitchen to get him a glass of water. She rummaged through the cabinets and found a glass. On the counter she noticed a piece of paper with Lake's handwriting on it. Assuming that it was just a message saying she would be late and where he could reach her Harriet read the letter.

     'Dear Harm,
         I can't do this anymore.  I thought that I could make 
         you forget Mac.  I guess I was wrong.  I can't live in 
         the shadow of her memory forever.
         I don't want to hurt you Harm but this is something I 
         have to do.  I hope you understand.
         I'll call you sometime soon.
                  Love,
                  Lake'

Harriet was shaking as she put the letter back on the counter. Everyone had seen it coming but it was still shocking to read the actual letter that said she was gone. She picked up the phone and called Bud to let him know what was happening and that she would be staying the night. He agreed it was probably a good idea.

****

He woke up with a terrible headache. Opening his eyes he noticed he was on the couch. He was only a bit surprised to see Harriet curled up in the chair on the other side of the room. He vaguely recalled opening the door and her coming in. Trying to sit up set off a series of explosions in his head. He lay back down with a groan. Harriet woke with a start. She was beside him a second.

"Harm, how are you feeling?"

"Like an elephant stepped on my head," he muttered.

"Can I get you something?"

"No, thanks. You didn't have to stay with me Harriet."

"Yes, I did. I was afraid you might do something stupid."

He grimaced.

"I...I guess you saw the letter then." He paused. "I knew it was going to happen. I've been about the worst possible husband someone could be cursed with."

She took his hand in hers.

"Sir, you've done your best. She just hoped that she could overcome Mac's legacy."

"Well, I never gave her a chance. And she was my helicopter." Harriet looked puzzled but she let it go. It was probably more than she wanted to know.

"Are you sure you don't need something sir."

"I'm sure Harriet. Go home to the family that adores you." He pulled his hand from Harriet's and turned away from her. She gathered her purse from the entryway. She let the tears fall only once she was outside. He had hurt too much in his life.

He listened to her car leave the drive and speed down the street. He knew she and Bud would stand with him. They always had. Ignoring the pain he got up and climbed the stairs to the guest bedroom and fell asleep on the bed in there. His sleep was tortured with images from both of his marriages.

****

His eyes snapped open suddenly. He was wide-awake. Rolling over he sought the watch that should have been on his wrist. Not finding it he crawled out of bed and went downstairs to the kitchen. The clock there said it was only 11:30. Last night seemed like and eternity ago. He flipped on the CD player under the cabinet. Lake loved space-saver appliances. She had left an old Sally Taylor album in it. Punching 'random' he set about making something to eat. Digging through the fridge he found the makings of a salad.

     You came
     Softer than laughter
     into my
     eyes which had fallen

Paying little attention to the song he washed the lettuce and started shredding it.

     To wake me
     kisses which tenderly shake me
     dark with their shadows
     Unsung we dance

Chopping tomatoes he became a little more aware of what he was hearing.

     Unsung we dance
     in the memory of my room
     Unsung we dance
     And I'd kiss you but I'm shaken
     'cus I know that you can't be there
     for me

He rinsed off a green pepper and, fully aware, listened to the next few lines.

     You say
     dreams are on fire
     in your bedroom tonight
     you say 
     my passion's your pleasure
     so please stay here tonight
     wine words
     written in satin
     sit watch me undress
     take me into your sadness
     with lace linen threads
     Unsung we dance

Reaching over he turned it off. It hit too close to home to listen to it right now. He drizzled some honey mustard on his salad and sat down at the table to eat it. He had taken a couple of bites when he heard the garage door open. Pushing back from the table he waited. No one ever came into the house. He heard the door go back down so he went to the front door to see who it was. Catching a glimpse of Lakota's car he stepped back. She must have decided not to come in when she saw his car still in the garage. The phone ringing made him start. He picked up the one on the table next to the door.

"Hello?"

"Hello, Harm."

"Lakota." He tried to keep any emotion out of his voice.

"I'll just get to the point. Is there anytime this weekend that you're going to be out of the house for a while?"

"What do you care?" They both knew that she had just left from the house and was calling him on her cell phone.

"Harm," her tone was sharp, "don't be a jerk. I need to pack up the rest of my things and I think it would be better for both of us if you weren't there."

"Fine. By the way, when are you going to file the divorce papers."

Harm," her voice had a pleading note.

Oh, don't tell me you planned on me doing it. I figure if you're going to walk out on me then expect me to be the bad guy by filing the papers your crazy."

"I don't want to talk about this over the phone. I want us to be face to face."

"Well, don't worry Lake I'll be gone for most of the day tomorrow. I'll be at church in the morning and I'm sure the Roberts' will force me to have dinner with them. Just be sure and be gone before I get here." With that he hung up. Cordless phones took all the fun out of hanging up on someone. There was no satisfaction in slamming the phone down on the receiver.

Looking down he realized he was still in the uniform he had put on the day before. He headed upstairs stripping off clothes and dropping them on the stairs as he went. He put on a pair of shorts and a T-shirt, did a few warm-ups, and jogged down the stairs and out the front door.

****

Sunday dawned a dreary, rainy day. He was glad. Excessive sunshine was getting on his nerves. He rolled out of bed and went to take a shower. Once in the shower realized he was out of liquid soap. Searching all he could find was a bar of berry scented soap. Great, he thought, now I get to face the world smelling like a fruit salad. He flipped the showerhead to a fine hard mist and stood while the needle like drops of water pounded his bare back.

Stepping out of the shower he just stood there and dripped all over rug and tile. He shook his head hard and smiled and the pattern the water droplets created on the mirror. He had nearly dripped dry before he pulled a towel from the rack to dry off.

Sifting through the closet he pulled out a pair of slacks, a blue shirt, matching tie, and sports coat. He was sure that everyone at church would probably heard about Lakota's departure, despite the fact it only happened last night. He had to look like he was okay. He dressed and went down to fix himself a bowl of cereal. He ate quickly. He brushed his teeth while he found his bible and searched for his keys. Finally feeling like he was ready he went out to the garage. As the garage door rose Lakota's car was revealed. She must have pulled up while he was in the shower. She just sat and waited for him to leave. He climbed in his car and backed out of the driveway without a second look at her.

He was just on time. He slid into the back row and settled in. As always the pastor had a good message. He hammered home the point that you weren't saved to sit. You were saved to serve. As a Christian you had an obligation to get off your derriere and help others. During the altar call he decided to volunteer to help with the Sunday school classes. He might not be a great teacher but he could at least give it a try. Everyone tactfully avoided asking about Lake but their eyes revealed they knew what had happened.

Just as he had predicted Bud and Harriet insisted that he join them for dinner. He spent the afternoon avoiding the topic of his destroyed marriage and playing with the kids. A.J. went to do some homework he had conveniently forgotten to tell his mother about on Friday while Harm read "Horton Hears a Who" to Kenzie. She climbed up in his lap and snuggled close to him and was soon asleep. He kept reading just to avoid breaking the spell of the moment. He wanted a child so bad his soul ached at the emptiness. He carried her to her room and laid her on the bed. He picked up the purple bear he had given her the day she was born and put it beside her. Obviously the bear had had quite an effect on her because her whole room was in shades of purple. He moved about the room quietly picking up dolls and placing them in the basket they were supposed to be in. The want became too much. He thanked Harriet and Bud for dinner and claimed he had paperwork to get done. They let him leave without an argument.

****

Monday morning at work he pushed the thoughts about what was happening out of his mind and rushed through the day. After work he headed into DC. Making his way through the insane traffic he wove through the cars and finally got to his destination. The FDR Memorial was fairly deserted at this time of day. He loved to come here because it had such a peaceful atmosphere. He settled himself among the granite and listened to the man-made waterfall. He didn't realize tourists were trying to discreetly take his picture. Only they saw what an interesting tableau he made. He, in his admiral's uniform, had chosen the niche where the wall had been carved with the quote "I have seen war. I have seen war on land and sea. I have seen blood running from the wounded...I have seen the dead in the mud. I have seen cities destroyed...I have seen children starving. I have seen the agony of mothers and wives. I hate war."

His cell phone rang destroying the painful site strangers had just witnessed. He pulled the phone out of his pocket and flipped it open.

"Rabb."

"Admiral," a woman's voice asked.

"Yes?" He felt like he should know who this was.

"You don't recognize my voice do you?" He could hear her smile.

"No ma'am, I'm afraid I don't. Though you do sound vaguely familiar."

"Sorry, I just had to mess with your head there for a second Harm. This is Jordan Parker."

Jordan, he thought, why was she calling him after all these years? He recalled hearing that she had left the Navy several years ago.

"It's been a long time."

"Yes it has," she paused before continuing, "Harm, I was sorry to hear about Mac. I know how much she meant to you."

"Thanks Jordan. But for some reason I don't think that's why you called."

"That's the commander I remember. Right to the point. Well, I don't know if you had heard but I'm working for the DC area social services now."

"That's what I heard. What does that have do with me."

"Well I was cleaning out some old paperwork I happened across some papers that you and a Lakota Paine had filled expressing an interest in taking in some foster children. I see that all you need is to fill out few more papers and we can start placing children with you."

"I don't think that's a good idea Jordan." His voice hardened a bit.

"Why not? You're great with kids."

"Lakota has left me." There was silence

"Oh, Harm. I had no idea." She sounded shocked and genuinely sorry.

"We didn't finish the paperwork because we saw that we might not make it."

"Well I'm going to be presumptuous. Not that that's something new," she laughed, "You wouldn't still be interested in doing taking in a kid on your own would you?"

"Jordan, I'd love to but I just don't think it would be good for a kid. I mean, I often work odd hours and...and I don't want them to have stay with a sitter or a daycare. And I guess there are just a thousand reasons."

"Admiral Rabb, I am surprised. You always talked about having kids, I give you the chance to take in and love a beautiful child who needs you, and you make up excuses. You're not the man I thought you were." She was practically shouting at him.

"I am sorry. Even if I wanted to do it they're not going to give a child to a single man." He began to think he had been bested even before the conversation had started.

"Admiral, I'm in charge here and if I say you can take in a kid then you can. I could approve you right now if I were so inclined." She knew she had him cornered.

"Fine. Can you come by JAG tomorrow and bring the papers?"

"I'll be there in the morning with bells on."

"Good-bye Jordan."

"Good-bye Harm." She placed the phone on the receiver and laughed out loud. Harriet had been right.

****

It's nice to return to familiar places, she thought as she got off the elevator. Walking through the bullpen noticed that the offices that used to house Mac and Harm were now home to two fresh-faced young lawyers. She recognized very few people. It had been a long time.

"I'm here to see the admiral," she told the young petty officer who had replaced Tiner.

"Your name ma'am." He was more efficient than Tiner it seemed.

"Jordan Parker."

He pressed the office intercom.

"Jordan Parker is here to see you sir."

"Send her in," said the tiny voice in the box.

She nodded to the young man and went into Harm's office. The office was much the same as it had always been. The dark paneling and thick carpet was that of someone who was had power. He was seated behind a large desk typing furiously. He spoke without ever looking at her.

"Have a seat there Jordan. About how long is this going to take? I've got reports to get to the SECNAV. At least this one doesn't know me well enough to call me Harmful Rabb." She sat down, pulled a sheaf of papers out of her bag, and plopped them on the desk beside him. He stopped typing and looked at her.

"That's going to take a while."

"Yes it is. That's why I came so early. You know our government. They like to have everything except your tax returns filled out in triplicate. Some of it's already done. I transferred information from the old papers to these. At least the information that I knew wouldn't have changed since this was first done."

"Well let's get started. By the way, how are you?" He couldn't believe he had forgotten to ask.

"I'm good. As good as a single mother of two can be."

"I didn't know you had kids. Names. Ages. Pictures. Now."

"Still demanding I see. Let's see, Seamus is six and Taylor is five." Digging through her bag she found her wallet and pulled out a few pictures.

"This is Seamus at his kindergarten graduation back in the spring and this is Taylor on her first day of school." She handed the pictures to him.

"My goodness Jordan they look just like you."

"Thanks Harm. That's one of the best compliments you can pay the parent of adopted kids. See Harm you can do it. If I can do it you can do it."

"If you think so I'm willing to give it a go. But exactly what made you think I would still be willing to do this? It's been six months since Lakota and I first thought about it. Or maybe I should say 'fought' about it."

"Truthfully?"

"Truthfully."

"Harriet called me. She knew how much you had always wanted kids and she wanted to know if you could still be part of the foster program or adopt it you were single. She seemed to think that if you got out and helped others it might help you."

"That's my Harriet. Always taking care of me."

"Well let's get this done."

"Let's do it."

****

Two weeks later

The intercom buzzed.

"What is it Armstrong."

"Ms. Parker's on the phone for you sir. I tried to take a message but she was very insistent."

"Can we do this later Mr. Roberts."

"Of course sir."

"Thanks. Dismissed."

"Aye-aye sir."

Bud turned on his heel and headed back to his office.

"Rabb."

"Harm, I pushed your paper work through and I have a child that you're going to fall in love with." She sounded more excited than he had ever heard.

"That's great Jordan."

"Remember we put down for long term care so he could be with you for quite a while."

"I remember Jordan. When do I get to meet him?" He was beginning to get excited himself.

"Tonight if you want."

"Tell me about him."

"Okay. First off he's five years old. He just started kindergarten this year. His name is Sean Christian. You will be the first foster parent he's ever been placed with."

"How did he end up in social services care?"

"Like most of them it's a sad story. His mother contracted HIV about a year after he was born and came to us because she knew he was going to end up with us eventually. Unfortunately the AZT didn't help her and the HIV quickly became AIDS. She died just this morning. I thought it best to get Sean into a long term home as quickly as possible."

"What about his father?"

"We don't know who he is."

"Oh. Well I'll leave work early and you bring him out to the house about five. Do you need directions?"

"Yeah, I do."

He quickly gave her directions to the house. Hanging up the phone he was nearly too excited to get much of anything done. He managed to actually get some work done and talk to Bud about several cases. At four o'clock he decided he better get going.

"Armstrong, I'm gone for the day. If anyone calls or needs to see me tell them I had a meeting at five and take a message. If Mr. Roberts' wife happens to call tell her to call the house."

"Yes, sir."

"Oh, and Armstrong, go home at five tonight."

"Yes, sir. Thank you, sir."

****

The thirty-minute drive home had become 45 as he managed to get behind every slowpoke in the greater Washington area. Now he only had fifteen minutes before Jordan would arrive with Sean. He ran upstairs and looked at the guestroom that was going to become Sean's. It had boring white walls, natural finish pine furniture, and a king size bed covered with a pale pink comforter. He checked the comforter in the other room. It was just as bad. A fluffy floral number. He pulled down the stairs to the attic. He remembered his mother giving him several quilts Grandma Sarah had made. Mac had used them for comforters but Lakota had boxed them up and bought all new stuff.

After a few minutes of searching he found the box he wanted. Digging through it he found several different quilts. He decided on one that had a different plane on each square. After a moment's thought he decided to take the whole box and used the quilts rather than the floral monstrosities Lake had purchased. She could take those with her. He pulled the box over to the attic ladder and got ready to drop it down to the floor below. Just as he let go he heard the doorbell ring. He scrambled down the ladder and hurried downstairs. Opening the door he found Jordan standing there holding a little boy's hand.

"Harm, what happened to you?"

"What?"

"Well when I rang the doorbell it sounded like the house tried to collapse and you look like you've rolling in the dirt or something."

He looked down at himself. His black pants and jacket were covered in dust from the attic.

"Oh. I was in the attic looking for something. The sound was me dropping it."

She shook her head.

"Whatever. I don't want to know."

"Come in. Sorry I just left you standing there. Here, let me take your jacket." She came in, slid her jacket off, and handed it to Harm. He hung it on a hook behind the door and she helped Sean out of his jacket.

"Harm, this is Sean Christian. Sean, this is Harmon Rabb. He's the man you're going to be living with now."

Harm squatted down to shake the little boy's hand. He was blown away by how beautiful Sean was. He had thick dark hair, much like Harm's, dark skin, and through some genetic miracle the most amazing blue eyes he had ever seen. They were sky blue and if you looked close you could see flecks of emerald green. The boy slid his small hand into Harm's.

"Are you going to be my daddy?"

"If you'll let me." The sadness in this child broke Harm's heart. He now had someone to live for.

Epilogue
18 years later

Harm sat beside his daughter, Melanie, as she searched the crowd. Somewhere amidst all those mortarboards was her brother. Sean had decided to go into civil engineering and had spent the last five years at school in Tennessee. Harm was more proud than any man had the right to be. His son was graduating, summa cum laude, he might add, and his daughter was preparing for the Naval Academy. Jordan had been right helping these two, and countless others had stayed for only a short time, had saved him.

The end

(yes, that was a shameless plug for my university (Tennessee Technological University) one of the top engineering schools in the country. Of course I'm rather fond of the history department. :)

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