Title: The Journal
By: Bree (virtualjag@yahoo.com)
Classification: H&M (is that like S&M?)/ummm. . .happy shipper eventually
Disclaimer: Oh, to own Harm or to be politically incorrect and be owned by Harm. But alas, it cannot be he belongs to Bellisario and I, well, I belong to no one.

Notes: The songs used herein are (listed in order of appearance): 'angels would fall' by Melissa Etheridge as it appears on her "Breakdown" album, 'my romance' by Richard Rogers and Lorenz Hart and 'everyday' by Norman Petty and Charles Hardin as they appear on James Taylor's "That's Why I'm Here" album. If you want to borrow Adia or Iris (whose full name is Iris Mackenzie-Rabb Jameson) just ask. They are both very friendly people.

Muchos gracias a Jen and Denise. They both put up with my insanity to help get this story presentable.

Wears Valley, Tennessee
May 8, 2053

My grandmother passed away last night. My mother and I were with her. I swear I heard a banshee wail. Her passing was expected but it was still so hard to let go. I felt like there was so much more I wanted to tell her. To have her tell me. She was a beautiful woman. One day I'll be proud to show my children pictures of her and to tell stories of her exploits as a Marine. She was a strong woman, capable of so much, despite the troubled emotions that haunted her most of her life.

When I was small she would pull me into her lap and tell me stories about the day I was born. About the pride and love she felt for me. She always assured me that I could do anything I put my stubborn Mackenzie mind to. No matter what I did she would always back me 100% as long as I was happy.

Once she told me about how my mother came into her life. She talked about how much she had prayed for a daughter. She spoke of realizing a love like none she had ever known. Today the details are lost. I was a little girl then and the specifics about my mother weren't important. I wish she could have told me that story one more time. I would have listened and remembered every word. We Mackenzie women draw our power from our past.

May 9, 2053

Mother and I began going through Gran's things today. Much of it had been boxed up when my grandfather died a few years ago. Gran said life was easier to live without a lot of clutter.

"Iris, sort through this and see what you find." My mother dropped a large dust-covered cardboard box in front of me.

"Thanks mom. Give allergy-girl the dust box."

"You're welcome, sweetheart."

The box was taped shut. I was picking at the edge of the tape when my father came in.

"Hey, where's your mother." I just waved my unoccupied hand in the general direction I thought my mother had gone. As he wandered after her I heard him call her.

"Adia, where are you?"

Every time I hear my mother's name I hear the song my grandfather always sang to her. Usually I forget the words but the melody is always in my mind. I wonder if there is a recorded version somewhere amongst all the packed boxes. Finally, I get a good hold on the tape and rip it off the box. Covering my nose with the hem of my shirt to avoid the stirred up dust I open the box to find dozens of books. They are all different shapes and sizes with various bindings. I pull one out and open it. It's dated 2017. Another is dated 2010. Yet another is 2040. These are Gran's journals. I never knew about these.

The longing to know my mother's birth story washes over me. My mother will be 48 later this year. I start pulling out books and opening them like some sort of crazy lady. I ignore the dust and the constant sneezes until I find what I'm looking for. I find two with dates from 2002 to 2006. The entries weren't daily.

I hold it reverently. More reverently than any Bible I've ever owned. It's a simple book with a blue cloth cover. At first the handwriting is stiff and the language stilted as if she was not use to putting her thoughts and feelings on paper. I flip further into the book and see how it flows better. She began to feel like she was talking to an old friend. Going back to the beginning I pick and choose the entries I want to read.

June 20, 2002

Today I finally got what I wanted. A command position. As of tomorrow I will be the AJAG for civil and general law. Admiral Chegwidden said that it was time I had the responsibility of someone of my rank. He claimed he hated to lose a good lawyer but it's not like I'm never going to see him again I'm simply moving upstairs. Harm's been there for a year. Apparently the SECNAV recommended that one. The scuttlebutt was that it was the easiest way to get Harmful Rabb out of the courtroom without having to knock him off. Promoting him to AJAG of military law put him in more of an advisory position and kept him from doing things (like firing weapons in the courtroom) that were problematic to say the least.

Unlike Harm I get to take someone with me. I'm taking Bud. The admiral wasn't happy. I'm taking one of the best civil lawyers the Navy has.

May 9, 2053

My grandmother's rise to command was a difficult one. She said that she made so many mistakes she was amazed the admiral didn't bust her down a rank or two. Only once, when I was about sixteen did my grandmother tell me her story from before my mother. She was abandoned by her mother. Her father was an alcoholic. She became one too. She married. She abandoned him. She dried out. She became a Marine. She became a lawyer. She had an affair. She killed the abandoned husband, accidentally. Then she lied to the people who meant the most to her. She joked that she should be an after-school special about how not to live your life.

August 12, 2004

I don't know if I'm making the right decision. We made this deal five years ago. It frightened me then and it frightens me now. I know we'll be good parents but are we being selfish. Shouldn't a child have both parents together? Can we be the parents we envision ourselves to be if we do this?

I guess I could explain myself. It's been just over five years since we made this deal. When Harriet had A.J. we said that if in five years we each were not involved with anyone we would have a child together. I thought he had forgotten but two weeks ago he brought it up and questioned me as to whether I still wanted to do it. After several long discussions we decided to go for it. We both agreed that no one could know.

I had my first doctor's appointment today. He didn't seem surprised that I was alone. He questioned me about the donor and I explained he was a friend. I saw something unexplained sweep across his face before he could bring up the mask of detached professionalism. He explained what he would be doing and made me another appointment for next week.

May 9, 2053

I do the math quickly this is before my grandparents are married but too close to the time my mother was born. I always believed that my grandfather was my mother's father not some faceless man.

"Mom," I yell. She comes to stand in the living room door.

"You don't have to scream, Iris. The house isn't that big," she pauses, "Honey, what's wrong? You look like you've had the scare of your life."

"Mom, did Gran have a child before you?"

"No. Why are you asking something so odd?"

"Read this, mom." I hand her the book. She reads the entry quickly. She smiles slightly.

"Is this what has you all in an uproar?"

"Is that all you can say," I whisper. She hands the book back to me.

"All I can say is finish reading and see what you find out."

She leaves without another word. Obviously I'm the only one shocked that my grandmother planned to conceive a child by artificial insemination.

August 18, 2004

Doctor's appointment number two. I heard the nurses talking. I shouldn't have eavesdropped but I had to. If you're going to talk about me I'm going to listen. I heard one comment that she had met the "donor" the day before. (That paints an odd mental image.) She wondered which one of us was homosexual. She couldn't understand how two people could have a child together but not "be together" unless one of them was homosexual. It would have been nice to butt in and tell her the truth. The truth about how much I love him but it's all too complicated. Not that this is really any less complicated.

He actually wanted to be there today. I laughed at him. I said that if he wanted to be there why didn't we just have sex. At least then it would be more personal than having a doctor do it. And a hell of a lot more fun. He doesn't realize how suspicious people will be when we both start taking the same days off all the time. I don't want anyone thinking anything about us.

Sept. 27, 2004

I've taken three home pregnancy tests today. Nothing. I called the doctor's office and they had me come in. Even their test came up negative. I knew the chances of it happening the first time were slim but I still hoped. Once again I get to determine when I'm ovulating so that I can go back. I want this so much I ache inside. There is something else within my want of a child. My want, my need, of him grows continually. Our jobs have never allowed it. They may never allow it. I have to find a way to live with him as a part of my life but not necessarily "in" my life.

May 9, 2053

My grandmother's tears stained these pages. She was consumed with this man. She doesn't call him by name and she doesn't articulate the depth of her need but I know my grandmother. She was a passionate woman. I saw the love between her and my grandfather. I remember her joy when we succeeded at something we wanted. When I decided on a university she found out everything she could about just so she could talk to me about my choice. She never tried to talk me into the Marines or into law. She wanted to know everything about sociology. She researched graduate programs for me. I went to the program she thought would be the best. Her passion was evident in the small things she did for all of us.

Dec. 24, 2004

the rope that's wrapped around me
is cutting into my skin
and the doubts that have surrounded me
are finding their way in
I kept it close to me
like a holy man prays
in my desperate hour
it's better that way

so I'll come by and see you again
I'll be such a very good friend
have mercy on my soul
I will never let you know
where my mind has been

angels never came down
there's no one here they want to hang around
but if they knew
if they knew you at all
then one by one the angels
angels would fall

I've crept into your temple
I have slept upon your pew
I have dreamed of the divinity
inside and out of you
I want it more than truth
I can taste it on my breath
I would give my life just for a little death

so I'll come by and see you again
I'll be just a very good friend
I will not look upon your face
I will not touch upon your grace
your ecclesiastic skin

I'll come by and see you again
I'll have to be a very good friend
if I whisper they will know
I'll just turn around and go
you will never know my sin

January 26, 2005

Doctor's visit number four. If it doesn't happen this time I've got one more chance. After the fifth try there will be a round of tests just to make sure that there is no medical reason I'm not conceiving. Last time around the doctor suggested it was stress that was causing the problem. This time he asked me to take a week of vacation. I'm going to sit around here for a week hoping and praying that this time it works. Yesterday the admiral called me in. He was worried. He had heard about my numerous doctor's appointments that he was afraid there was something terrible wrong. I told him the truth. He deserved to know. Of course I left out the part about who the father would be. He understood. He commented that he was surprised I had waited as long as I had. He offered me anything I needed. All I have to do is ask.

January 30, 2005

Four pregnancy tests later I'm sure. I AM PREGNANT!!!! I was so afraid. Despite taking the time off I was so sure that my stress level hadn't changed at all. I was constantly worried that it wasn't going to happen this time. I'm pregnant. It's so strange to actually be able to write that. I immediately wanted to call him. I held back. What if something happens and I lose the baby? I can't do that to him. Conversely if something happens I'll want someone to turn to. I have to tell him. He'll never forgive me if I hold out on him. I love him too much to hurt him anymore.

May 9, 2053

I glance out the nearby window and realize that hours have passed. I go into the kitchen and fix my self something to drink. Going back out into the living room I see my grandfather's shoes next to the back door. My grandmother had left them there even after he died because she liked to slide them on when she went to get the mail. She said she did it because they were so big she could slide them on and off without any trouble. That's what she said anyway. I slide them on. Was the man that wore these shoes really my grandfather? Was he the man I thought he was or was he my grandmother's second choice? I go out onto the porch and settle on the glider and continue to read.

February 4, 2005

We went to dinner tonight. We made small talk the entire time. No time ever felt right for breaking the news. I waited until he had walked me to the door before I told him. I saw his eyes light up and his smile get even wider. He reached for my hand but stopped. I wanted him to at least take my hand. It was too much to hope he would hold me close and say the things I long to hear. He didn't hesitate to lean down, put his face near my stomach, and talk to the life inside of me. Tears came to my eyes as he introduced himself to his child and said how much he loved her (he insists that it will be a girl). He said he would always be there for her.

I wanted to touch him. To run my fingers through his hair. I needed to stare into his eyes and read his soul. I needed to hear him say how much he loved me. That was too much to hope for.

May 9, 2053

I throw the journal down on the glider and begin pacing the porch. The shoes clopping with every step. How could my grandmother have done this? How could she bring a child into the world with a man who didn't care for her?

"Mom!"

"What," I hear her voice question from somewhere in the house.

"Could you come out here?" No answer. A minute later she is standing on the other side of the screen door.

"What now, Iris," she asks.

I pick up the journal and hold it in front of me like it smells of something foul.

"Have you read this?" I'm practically accusing her of keeping something from me.

"Have you," she throws back at me.

"Enough to understand."

"Obviously not. When you've finished reading it you come and find me. Don't yell for me again. You're loud enough for everyone in the valley to hear you." She walks off. Once again effectively cutting me off.

March 25, 2005

I'm tired of feeling sick every morning. I get out of bed and a wave of nausea rolls over me. Thank goodness I don't actually get physically sick. I couldn't handle that. Earlier today I felt the baby. It was a flutter. Just the slightest flutter of something from within. Maybe he's right. Maybe we are having a daughter.

I have an appointment with my OB in a few days. He wants go with me. He wants to hear the heartbeat. I want him there. He deserves to be there but I worry. What if people start to put two and two together and they realize that it really does equal four, not five like I keep insisting. This time wouldn't be much of a threat. I have yet to make an announcement. I plan to do so after this appointment. I hope no one in our offices can add.

Unfortunately I think Bud is suspicious. As my right hand he sees how terrible I look and feel when I first come in of the morning. I'm going to tell him and Harriet before I tell everyone else. They deserve that much.

March 30, 2005

I made my announcement today. Everyone was surprised but they tried to hide it. I didn't tell him what I was going to do so he had no chance to talk me out of it. An added bonus was that he looked as shocked as the rest of them.

All the usual questions were asked. When am I due? Do I know if it's a boy or a girl? Have I chosen any names? They tactfully avoided asking about the father. I think they were as afraid to ask as I was that they would ask.

Lately I've begun to think that maybe what I'm doing will create a scandal I'm not ready to deal with. I'm a female Marine in a command position. I drew quite a bit of America's attention when I became the AJAG. There was even speculation that I might become the next JAG. This is my life and I want to live it my way but sometimes I have to consider how my decisions will impact other women in the military. So many men already resent the presence of women in "their" military and now I'm a pregnant woman in command. I remember when Gingrich said women couldn't go into combat because they got and "infection" every month. Neanderthal idiot. He would die to think that a *pregnant* woman might be in charge somewhere. Tomorrow I have to meet with the SECNAV. I'm going to need his backing if someone decides to try to use this against me.

May 9, 2053

I chuckle to myself. That was my grandmother, always thinking about other women in the military. I think that sometimes she thought it was her job to make all women soldiers look good. When she became the JAG the whole world turned to look at her. She was responsible for keeping justice blind and fair in the largest military in the world. She took her responsibility very seriously. She also knew when it was time to leave and retire to this valley.

July 18, 2005

A reporter wants to interview me. I don't think now is a good time. What if the whole thing, my pregnancy and my position, get all blown out of proportion. I'm not going to be the poster-girl for the women's movement. I realize I have to give some credit to the movement but I will not become some pawn in their game.

I'm into my seventh month. I'm getting nervous. I'm afraid the whole office knows who the father is. I saw the looks and heard the scuttlebutt when he "volunteered" to be my Lamaze coach. My appointments and his across town meetings had to seem more than coincidental.

He was there for the last ultra sound. There was a look of wonder that came across his face. He stared at the screen and listened intently to the sound of the heartbeat. I slid my hand into his and he held it tight. He loves this child so much. I see it in his eyes. I'm almost jealous of my own child sometimes. Too many times I've found myself wishing I was on the receiving end of that look.

September 9, 2005

My due date is drawing close. I'm excited and scared at the same time. I've been pestering Harriet with enough questions to drive her crazy. She's been wonderful. Not once has she asked about the father but I think she knows. When I started Lamaze classes a few months ago he "volunteered" to be my coach. The scuttlebutt is that it couldn't possibly be him because neither of us are quite *that* crazy. They will all know soon enough.

September 10, 2005

He came for dinner this evening. We had to make decisions about raising our child. Now I can see how custody battles can become so nasty. There is no way you can give both parents truly equal time. We did the best we could. We were sitting on the couch listening to the radio and supposedly thinking about what we could do. His hand slid across the couch and covered mine. He squeezed my fingers lightly. Before I even thought I suggested that he come and live with us, at least for a little while. His grip got tighter as his eyes found mine. For an instant I thought I saw desire in his soul. I started fumbling around trying to make it seem like a perfectly normal proposal. I mentioned that this new place was plenty big and that I would need lots of help in the beginning and other things I don't even remember. I thought I was just going to have to crawl in a hole and hide forever when he agreed it was a good idea. He'll move his things in later this week.

September 18, 2005

He's been here for four days now. It was awkward that first night. He had taken the day to get everything moved (he's sub-let his apartment) and set up in his room. I came home from work to find him sprawled out on the couch half asleep. For me it felt right but I can't speak for him.

After dinner I sat down at my desk to work. I picked up the stereo remote and turned the CD player on. After the second CD I realized tonight was obviously all James Taylor all the time. I ignored it and kept working.

"Dance with me." That was all he said. I took the proffered hand. What a sight we must have been. A very pregnant woman trying to dance. And I was barefoot to boot.

my romance doesn't need to have
a moon in the sky
my romance doesn't need a blue
lagoon standing by
no month of may
no shining star
no hideaway
no soft guitar

my romance doesn't need a
castle rising in Spain
nor a dance to a constantly
surprising refrain
wide awake I can make my most
fantastic dreams come true
'cause my romance doesn't need
a thing but you

Thankfully, for the next song he turned me around and wrapped his arms around me. At least this way he couldn't see my face as easily. The tears were filling my eyes. We proceeded to dance some strange dance with the next song.

everyday it's getting closer
going faster than a roller coaster
a love like yours would surely come my way

everyday seems a little faster
all my friends they say go on up and ask her
a love like yours would surely come my way

everyday it seems a little stronger
everyday it lasts a little longer
come what may do you ever long for
true love from me

everyday seems a little closer
going faster than a roller coaster
a love like yours would surely come my way

a love like yours would surely come my may
everyday

When he let me go I went straight to bed without a word. Will the right moment to tell the truth ever come?

September 28, 2005

Yesterday I gave birth. Birth! *I* had a baby. I'm not sure I stopped smiling. I know he hasn't.

Contractions woke me up at 0500. I managed to pull myself out of bed only to have my water break. Fourteen hours later our daughter made it into the world. When they handed her too me I was speechless. I finally managed to ask what he wanted to name her. He leaned down lightly kissed me and then our daughter. Adia, he said. He smiled at my questioning look. The name means 'God's gift' and that's what she was. Besides he kinda liked the song. I nearly laughed but it probably would have hurt (everything else has). Instead I told him I wanted Faith because it meant 'to trust.' Adia Faith Mackenzie-Rabb. It fits her perfectly.

May 9, 2053

I heave a sigh of relief. My grandfather was my grandfather not some stranger. My mother let me act like a child rather than just telling me the story. She let me rant and rave over my own erroneous assumption. I open my mouth only to remember the order to stop yelling. I go into the house to find her.

My father is in the kitchen trying to fix dinner. Maybe I should call the fire department now. Climbing the stairs I find my mother in her parent's room staring at what she's laid out on the bed. I walk over and stand beside her to see what she sees.

She's looking at two military dress jackets preserved behind glass. One is my grandfather's pristine white jacket covered with service ribbons and medals with shiny gold wings above them. The shoulder boards indicate his rank as captain. The other is my grandmother's. It has more ribbons and indicates her status as a general. My grandfather had resigned his commission when my Uncle James was born to stay home with him and mother. Soon after that my grandmother had become TJAG.

"Why did you let me act like that," I ask, shamefaced. She doesn't answer right away.

"Because I did the same thing," she takes a deep breath, "When I was about eighteen I asked if I could read the journals. In my speech class we had to do a speech about the day we were born. We had been told to interview our one of our parents as a reference source. She sent them to me. I had a miniature identity crisis right there in the library. I automatically assumed that the 'he' she kept talking about was this Australian man that she had worked with. She had always spoke so fondly of him. I couldn't believe that my mother had never bothered to tell me my father wasn't Harmon Rabb. I alternated between fits of crying and moments where I wanted to go to Australia and hunt that man down. Mom actually laughed at me when I told her about it later. She told me to look in a mirror. How could I ever wonder about who my father was? She was right. I have those blue Rabb eyes."

"I still don't understand why you just didn't tell me."

"You've always held your grandparents up on a pedestal. I wanted to give you a chance to see the real people. The people who couldn't get it together. They never did anything the easy way. It was like they had this big atlas with life mapped out on it and yet they always took the most rocky and narrow road they could find. I guess I want you to see that life doesn't have to be that way."

"What about their life after they got married?"

"It got better but I think they liked taking the back roads in life despite the pain it often caused."

"When *did* they get married?"

"I'm not sure they ever did. They were always vague when I asked. Dad would say October. Mom would say March. It doesn't really matter. They were always on a collision course for one another. Mom said weddings weren't for the couple getting married but for everyone else and marriage certificates were just allowed you to file a joint tax return." I hear the laughter in my mother's voice. I'm willing to bet money my parents aren't married. I smile, secure in the knowledge that love will eventually conquer all.

End.

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