Title: Wings Enfolding
Author: Bree (virtualjag@yahoo.com)
Disclaimer: Does anyone really think TPTB are going to bother hunting us all down and suing us? I didn't think so.
Archive: No. I may even be too embarrassed to archive it.
Notes: Oh. My. Gosh. I wrote a smut scene. What's the world coming to? The rest are at the end.

Thursday
February 11, 2001

I sit outside the bedroom door holding my hands on either side of my face. If I concentrate on holding my hands just so maybe I'll forget what happened back there. It's not working. I can feel my face trying to fall apart. A little more pressure on the left temple. Press in on the right jaw. Maybe the pieces will all stay there and just the cracks will show. It's no use; I can feel my cheeks crumbling.

He asked again and I told him to back off. He eased off me and asked for a wedding date. I told him to lay off. Actually, it was more a scream. I'm not sure when I lost control. I've always been one to be in perfect control at all times, even when I'm mad as hell. I've lost myself and he wants me to set a damned wedding date.

He's in there packing up. I listen to clothes hitting the lid of his suitcase and bouncing off. Most of them land in the suitcase while the rest end up in the general vicinity. I hear him move to the bathroom. He's rummaging through the cabinets. Bottles, jars, brushes, and combs all tumble to the floor as he recklessly grabs what he wants. I hope he takes everything. I just want to start all over with nothing to make me think of him.

I cover my face with my hands. I have to keep all the pieces together. I'm sitting too close to the door and he bangs several bags against my arm as he pushes past me. He only slows down long enough to toss his keys onto the desk before pulling his bags through the front door and slamming it shut.

Friday
February 12, 2001

"Hey, Mac, how are you?"

"I'm okay." I study the files in front of me so that I don't have to look him in the eye. I can feel him scrutinize the top of my head. My scalp burns as he stares and waits for me to offer him more.

"Well, I'll talk to you later." Reluctantly, he leaves and heads for his office. Thankfully he closes the door as he goes out.

I release a shaky breath. I swivel my chair around and stare out the window. I can feel the tears resting on the edges of my eyes. I lean forward until my chest rests on my thighs and let the tears leap to the floor. When the last tear finally hits the floor I sit up and pull several Kleenex out of their box. I'm loudly blowing my nose when the phone starts ringing. I don't pick it up; I just stare at it. If I look close enough I can almost see it move with every nerve-jangling ring. Finally the ringing stops only to be replaced by someone pounding on the door.

"Colonel, I know you're in there. No one has seen you come out of your office since I spoke to you this morning."

"Harm," I have to stop and steady my shaky voice, "Harm, I'm not feeling so good. Can we talk about whatever it is you want to talk about later?" I hear his voice but I can't quite make out what he says and then I hear him walking away. I pick up the phone and punch a few numbers. "Tiner, can I speak with the Admiral?"

"Just a moment, ma'am."

"Cheggwidden."

"Admiral, this is Colonel Mackenzie. Sir, would it possible for me to take the rest of the day off? I'm not feeling so good."

"How's your work?"

"It's up to date, sir."

"Then go. I'd rather have you miss a day rather than have my whole staff come down with whatever it is you have."

"Thank you, sir." You don't have to worry about anyone catching what I've got. The ability to screw up everything isn't contagious as far as I know. I gather up my things and head out.

"Colonel." He snuck up behind me.

I turn only part of the way toward him. "Commander?"

"I was hoping we could have lunch together."

"I'm on my way home. I'm not feeling too well."

"Oh. Would it be okay if I call you later? There is something I would really need to talk to you about."

"That would be fine." He grabs my shoulder and squeezes.

"Thanks. I hope you get to feeling better."

"Me too," I mumble as I head for the elevator.

$$$$$

"Turn off that damn alarm." In my state of semi-consciousness I slap the pillow next to me only to realize I'm alone and that it's the phone ringing. I pull myself across the expanse of my bed and manage to grab the phone off its hook. "Hello?"

"Sorry, Mac, I didn't mean to wake you. Are you feeling better?"

"Mac?" he repeats.

"Uh, yeah. I'm feeling some better. Is there a problem?"

"No, I just wanted to check on you."

"Well, thanks. I'll talk to you tomorrow."

"Oh, hey, don't hang up. Let me talk to Mic. I've got a question about an old case of his."

"He's not here."

"Do you happen to know when he'll be back?"

"If I were a betting man? Never."

Silence. I hang up the phone. It immediately begins ringing again. It's so loud I'm sure the neighbors can hear it. I know it's him. If I don't answer he'll talk to the machine and then threaten to come over and act like my protector. If I answer I'll have to relay the whole story to him, down to the last detail. The machine picks up. I hear his voice in the other room.

"Mac. I know you're still there. Answer the phone..."

I cut him off before he can continue along that line.

"What?"

"What happened between you and Mic?"

"You want details?"

"Of course. I'm..."

I cut him off again. "We had just had sex," I hear him cringe, that was more detail than he wanted "and he asked me to give him a date. I began yelling. He packed. I assume he's nearly in Australia by now."

"Do you want me to come over?"

"No."

"Well, do you want to talk about it?"

"Not particularly."

"Are you sure?"

"Pretty much."

"I can be there in a few minutes."

"Yeah, so."

"I'm always here to listen."

"I'm sure you are."

"Mac." There's a pleading note in his voice.

"Harm." There's no tone to my voice.

"Have it your way."

"I plan to." I hear the click as he hangs up.

Saturday
February 13, 2001

I look around the living room for what feels like the billionth time today. I never realized how much I loved having someone else here to talk to all the time. Originally I had almost resented his constant presence in my life. I couldn't turn around but what he was there. Right at my shoulder offering to help or just being. Now, now that he's gone I realize how much I had grown to need him there. Do I need him or just someone? Maybe I would have been emotionally safer to simply find a roommate. I'm shaken back to my reality by the sound of the answering machine clicking on. Apparently I didn't hear the phone ring.

"Mac, when you get this message give me a call. I need to talk to you."

That's the fourth time in so many hours that Harm has called. It's always the same message. He wants to talk. Well, that's not what I want. I just need to grieve some and then begin going on with my life. There's a vague quote rolling around in my head. Something about 'while it looks like the end has come it's really just the beginning.' The ending of one phase of my life is the beginning of the next and I need to be ready to move on.

Monday
February 15, 2001

I'm late to work and when I walk into the office everyone gives me strange looks. I know it's odd for me to be late but does that mean they all to look at me like my dog just died. I go into my office and notice my voicemail light is blinking. I press in all the right numbers.

"You have six new messages," the automated voice says through the speakerphone. I jab another button.

"Mac, this is Harm. It's Saturday afternoon. I've tried your place several times but you don't seem to be there. Give me a call when you get this message."

I fall into my chair and look at the ceiling.

"Good grief," I huff. I pick up the phone and punch the buttons with enough force to nearly break them. There are several rings before he picks up.

"Commander, what was so damned important that you left four messages on my answering machine and six on my voicemail this weekend?"

"I had something I wanted to tell you before I announced it to the office." The hurt creeps across the phone line.

I take a deep breath, "I'm sorry, Harm. What did you need to tell me?"

"Renee and I are getting married."

I'm sure he said more but the receiver falls out of my hand. It hits the floor and bounces a few times before coming to rest beside my foot. I thoughtlessly kick it away. I can't move. My body and soul have frozen over. I don't know how long I sit here before Harriet came in.

"Colonel?"

I start in my chair. I hear the incessant beeping of the phone lying on the floor.

"Lieutenant Sims, come in."

"Ma'am, are you okay?"

"I think so." I retrieve the receiver from the floor and place it in its cradle.

"You've heard about Commander Rabb and Ms. Peterson, haven't you?"

I feel tears threatening to try and escape.

"Ma'am, would you like to join me for lunch?"

"Harriet, is he still here?"

"Yes, ma'am he's in his office."

"Wait for me, Harriet. I won't be long."

She smiles that sweet, understanding smile that drew me to her the first time I met her. Head down, I quickly make my way over to his office. I enter without knocking and close the door behind me.

"Harm, are you really going to do it?" The tears build.

"Yes, I am." There is no emotion in his voice. I take the last few steps to bring me standing next to him as he watches me from his seat. I reach out and trace his eyebrow, down his cheek, and along his jaw. His breath catches. My fingers stop on his chin. There is no sound. I lean down and as he closes his eyes I brush my lips across both lids.

"I love you," I sigh. I leave as I see the tears escape from beneath his eyelashes. My own tears are swimming in my head promising to drown the pain.

Tuesday
April 12, 2005

I manage to pull one eye open enough see that the clock reads 2:30 in the morning. It's the middle of the fricking night and someone is pounding on my door. I lay here a few more seconds hoping that I was mistaken. There it is again. I manage to pull myself out of bed. I grab my robe off the hook on the back of the door and wrap it around me. I stumble through my living room and make it to the door in one piece. I look out the peephole to see the distorted face of Harm.

"God's nightgown," I breathe out. The man's wife is in the hospital after having given birth and instead of staying there he's standing in front of my apartment. I pull the door open.

"I married the wrong woman."

No 'hello.' No 'how's it going.' Not even a 'sorry I woke you.' I can feel my jaw just hanging there. I have nothing to say to that. He's waiting for me to say something. Anything. I can't.

He steps just inside the door. I see him reaching for me but it's like everything is suddenly underwater. I feel his hands on the cool fabric of my pajamas and everything returns to normal. I take a sudden step back only to trip over a random dog toy. I try to catch my balance and instead end up on my ass. How nice.

"Well, uh, ah....who would have been the right woman?"

"Are you okay? You landed pretty hard." He closes the door and sits down beside me.

"I'm fine. My question."

"Oh, yeah."

We wait.

"It was you. I should have married you."

"It's a little late to be realizing that isn't it?"

"I guess."

"You guess," I ask incredulously, "Harm, your *wife* is in the hospital this very moment because, just hours ago, she gave birth to your daughter. And here you are trying to tell me that you made a mistake. I'd say so. Just about the biggest mistake I've seen in recent years."

Suddenly his mouth is on mine. My mind screams that I need to pull away, to make a show of indignation. Instead I wrap my hands around the back of his head and pull myself closer. I need to feel his body next to mine. I need to know he's real. I need show him that I never stopped loving him. After an eternity we pull apart.

"Helena."

"What?"

"My daughter's name is Helena. It means 'sun ray.'"

I lay back onto the floor. "That's a beautiful name."

He lays his head on my chest and splays his hand across the lower half of my stomach. "She's beautiful, Mac. You have to see her."

"I will. Renee will bring her in to show her off one day soon." His hand makes slow paths between the buttons on my top while my fingers trail around his hairline and down his neck.

"So when did you realize you had made a mistake?"

"That day you came in my office and said you loved me."

I think back to the day he's talking about, "Harm, that was the day you announced your engagement."

"Yeah."

"Then why didn't you break it off with Renee?"

"I wanted to. There were a million times I thought about it but the word 'quitter' would always surface. I had committed to her and to break it off then would have been quitting. I've never been a quitter, Mac, and I didn't want to start."

"So you decided to go ahead and marry her." I wasn't asking; I was just pointing out the obvious.

"In my mind I never believed Renee would actually go through with it. I thought she would chicken out. Worst case scenario was that she would actually marry me and then leave me soon after."

"That was four years ago."

"I know. Everytime I thought I it was time to go you would show up with a new boyfriend and I would tell myself that you had put me firmly in your past. I convinced myself I would only be rebuffed if I approached you."

"So you decided to have a baby?" I'm not sure if there was any logical thought in his mind.

"No, that was *never* supposed to happen. It was like a damn one-night stand," bitterness and anger coat every word, "We had gone to dinner with some friends and apparently had too much to drink. One damn night after months of sleeping in the other room. I had been taking a good hard look at leaving and now I knew I couldn't leave. There was no way I could leave while she was pregnant. I couldn't do that to her."

"I don't know what to tell you." We lay in silence thinking our own thoughts.

Wednesday
April 13, 2005

I wake up to find myself still on the living room floor. Harm is still here and he's sleeping on his stomach with one arm thrown across my hips. Slowly, I move out from under his arm and go get in the shower. I'm humming to myself as I wash my hair and trying not to think about the man sleeping in my living room. I hear the bathroom door click open.

"Harm?" I stick my head around the curtain to find him sitting on the closed toilet lid.

"I can't leave her now, Mac."

"Did you hear me tell you that you needed to do that?"

"No."

"And who am I to ask you to do so?"

He raises tortured blue eyes to look at me, "You're the woman I love."

"Hand me that robe on the floor." He hands me the robe and I slip it on and step out of the shower. I kneel in front of him and rest my arms on his knees. "Harm, you have a daughter to think of now. Even if you aren't going to think about Renee, you have to think about Helena. I will never ask you to give her, or anything else, up for me. To ask you to put away the things you love would change the man you are and it's the man you are that I've always loved."

I lean up and press my lips against his temple. His arms slide around my waist and hold me close. I feel his mouth on my neck. He works his way up to my jaw and ultimately to my mouth. His tongue slips past my lips and deep inside I moan. I pull away and sit back on the bathroom floor pulling him with me. His lips find mine again as he lowers us completely to the floor. His hands slip past the edges of my robe and caress my thighs. He wanders up my body as I wrap my legs around his legs. He draws away and his eyes search my face. I simply reach up and begin undoing his shirt buttons. He closes his eyes and I revel in exposing all of him. I undo the last two buttons and he begins to open his eyes.

"Wait. Keep 'em closed."

"Why?"

I manage to untie my robe and wriggle out of it. "Okay, you can open them."

He opens his eyes and a deep peace floods my soul. He starts at my shoulder and begins working his way down. By the time he reaches my breast I'm frantic with need. What began as a slow grind against his pelvis is beginning to spin out of control as his teeth and tongue dance madly around one nipple and then the other.

"Harm..."

His muffled voice comes from somewhere in the hollow of my neck, "Mmmm?"

"Your pants. They have to go."

"It would make this a little easier I guess." He tries to get up only to stop. "Of course, it'll be kind of difficult to get them off with your legs wrapped around me like that."

I unwind my legs from his and plant my feet on either side of him. He strips his pants off and tosses them down. Kneeling down between my legs he reaches toward me. My breath catches in my throat as one finger and then another slide inside of me. Experimentally, he slides them in and out several times before he finds my clitoris and begins slow circles around it. My eyes slam shut as heat begins rolling through my body. I begin moving against his hand silently urging him to move faster. Without a word he complies. Tension and heat build in me until I know I'll die without the release. He presses harder and moves faster until my body can handle no more and I explode. I sit up, wrap my arms around his chest, and press my still contracting muscles against his erection. I slide my wetness against him encouraging him to enter me.

"Mac..."

I cover his mouth with mine forcing my tongue into his mouth to show him how I want it. He finally acquiesces. My body stretches to accommodate and I savor the feeling of it. We sink back to the floor and begins thrusting into me. I wrap my legs high around his chest to give him more access.

"Unwrap your legs."

He pulls my legs further up and drapes them over his shoulders and thrusts hard and deep into me. His thrusts not only push him deeper in my body but also into my soul and spirit. As his movements become more frenzied I move my legs back to their original position. As he comes he rests his head against my shoulder and his weight on me.

Feeling safer than I have in long time I whisper the same words I did that day in his office, "I love you."

His lips are against my ear, "Don't ever leave me like that again."

Monday
May 2, 2005

I look up from the brief I'm typing to see a knot of people in front of Harm's office. I see him break through the crowd and I know why everyone had surrounded him. Carrying his daughter he heads straight for my office. Renee is only a few steps behind. I stand up as they walk in. I barely nod and he hands her to me.

"Hello, Helena Rabb." Her name rolls off my tongue easily. "What's her middle name?"

Renee pipes up, "Harm won't let me give her one."

"Why not?"

"He just wants to be difficult."

I look at Harm and he just shrugs. I move to Renee and place Helena in her arms. Harm puts a hand her shoulder and turns her toward the office door.

"We'll see you later, Mac."

As they leave I notice a piece of paper flutter to the floor. I pick it up and unfold it to make sure it's not something important. It reads, "Alexandria Country Club. 5:30" I tuck it in my purse and go back to my work.

Monday
May 2, 2005
Alexandria Country Club

I arrive right at 5:30. I see his car but he's no where in site. I go inside and walk through the restaurant area. I don't see him.

"May I help you?"

I turn to the owner of the voice, "I'm looking for Harmon Rabb."

"I haven't seen him but you my try the shop. It's out that door and to the left."

"Thanks." In the shop all I find is plenty of golf junk and one bored sales clerk. I head back to my car, annoyed that he wasn't there like he said he would. I drive around the small parking lot on my way out I see him coming across the grass in a golf cart. I pull into the next available space. I get out and walk up to where he sits.

"Where were you going?"

"Home. You weren't here and I wasn't about to just hang around waiting for you."

Hurt crawls into his eyes, "You were leaving?" The same hurt is wrapped around his words too. It borders on fear.

"Yes," I answer brusquely.

He steps out of the golf cart, "Always wait for me. You know me I'm always running behind."

He leads me to an abandoned deck on the side of the building. We sit down on the steps. He runs his hands up and down my calves.

"Have I ever told you how much I love the feel of hose? Especially ones that are on your legs."

"This has got to end," I blurt out.

"What?"

"I can't do this go. Logically, I'm the one that's going to get hurt here. One day you're going to decide you were wrong and you'll want to end it. You'll have Renee and I'll have nothing. I need to have the control of ending this before I get hurt." Tears creep into my voice.

He wraps an arm around my shoulders. "I'm not going to change my mind. We just have to take this one step at a time; one experience at a time. It's going to work out in your favor, our favor, but you just have to be patient. Give me time."

Saturday
May 27, 2006

In the last year our times together has been infrequent and all too brief. A stolen afternoon here. An evening while away on business there. Only someone who watched our every little movement would know. There have been times guilt has threatened to overtake me. Other times my joy has taken me places I never though I would be allowed to go to.

Renee has been in Texas for the last week and I've spent every evening in her Alexandria house. I've been helping Harm pack up his and Helena's stuff. They're moving to Falls Church. He's rented an apartment there. When Renee returns she'll find everything much like she left it except her husband and daughter will be gone. In their place there will be only a sheet of paper explaining that they're okay and that Harm will bring Helena over on Thursday and pick her up on the following Monday.

I scoop Helena up off the floor where she's beating on the couch with a plastic truck. "Hey, beautiful, whatcha doing? Are you trying to put a dent in Mommy's couch or destroy that truck? Let's go find Daddy. I've spent all morning packing law books."

We wander upstairs to find Harm randomly tossing his clothes into a box. We watch him from the door but he's so intent on getting the clothes in the box he doesn't notice us.

"He makes the three pointer and the crowd goes wild." I hold Helena's arm up in victory while I make that crowd cheering sound.

"There are my girls. Are two just going to stand there and watch me work?"

I look around the room, "No," I move across the room, "we're going to sit on the bed and watch you work." I grab a book off the bedside table, climb onto the bed, and we make ourselves comfortable. I begin reading to her while Harm continues throwing clothes.

I finish the book. I look down to see that she's sleeping soundly. Snuggling down next to her I close my eyes. Luckily she has that clean baby smell rather than a dirty diaper smell. Opening my eyes I find Harm sitting on the floor just staring at us. My stomach rumbles loud enough to be heard across the street.

"You two are beautiful."

"What time is it?"

"It must be time to eat since your gut is making all that noise."

"Then take us to get something to eat."

"Your wish..."

Wednesday
June 7, 2006

I come back from lunch to find my voice mail light blinking like a broken stop light and large inter-office mail envelope on my desk. I wind the string and dump the contents out. It's a photocopy of a case. Peterson v. Rabb. A cursory glance through the pages shows that Renee has filed for divorce. She beat Harm to the punch. By a long shot. These papers were drawn up well before Harm moved out. I wonder why she sat on the papers so long. But then when have I ever understood Renee.

I pick up my ringing phone.

"Did you get the papers I sent over?"

"Yes, I did. I'm not mentioned anywhere am I?"

"No."

I breathe a sigh of relief.

Tuesday
December 25, 2007

I stand at the end of the aisle and simply take in the picture before me. Harm, in Mess Dress, stands on the platform keeping a firm grip on two-year-old Helena. She may not make it through the ceremony. The chaplain stands only a few paces to the left. Music fills the room. I start the aisle. I don't see all the friends and extended family but I know they are there.

As I come to stand by Harm he shifts Helena to his other arm and take my hand in his. The chaplain reads from the book he's holding but I'm in a haze and I only hear enough to know when I'm supposed to speak.

"And now Harm, Sarah, and Helena have something they would like to share with you."

We turn to face everyone and I finally pick out the people we love that have given us this one Christmas. Harm hands Helena to me. He pulls a neatly folded sheet of paper out of his jacket.

"When love beckons to you, follow him,
Though his ways are hard and steep.
And when his wings enfold you yield to him,
Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you.
And when he speaks to you believe in him,
Though his voice may shatter your dreams as the north wind lays waste the garden.
For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you. Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning.
Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun,
So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth.
Like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto himself.
He threshes you to make you naked.
He sifts you to free you from your husks.
He grinds you to whiteness.
He kneads you until you are pliant;
And then he assigns you to his sacred fire, that you may become sacred bread for God's sacred feast."

We swap child for paper.

"All these things shall love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart, and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life's heart.
But if in your fear you would seek only love's peace and love's pleasure,
Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love's threshing-floor,
Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears.
Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself.
Love possesses not nor would it be possessed;
For love is sufficient unto love.
When you love you should not say, "God is in my heart," but rather, "I am in the heart of God."
And think not you can direct the course of love, for love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
Love has no other desire but to fulfill itself.
But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires:
To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.
To know the pain of too much tenderness.
To be wounded by your own understanding of love;
And to bleed willingly and joyfully.
To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving;
To rest at the noon hour and meditate love's ecstasy;
To return home at eventide with gratitude;
And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips. "

I brush a kiss across Helena's nose. Then Harm, pressing her between us, wraps his free arm around me and gently kisses me. Everything I've ever wanted or needed is right here within arms reach.

End

Notes: Well, if you didn't like that I don't apologize. But I do apologize for stepping all over Jori's "Paper Planes" (which I refuse to read anymore until she finishes the whole story) toes with this. (She needn't worry because, as we all know, I'll never be as good as she is at this writing thing.)
Mistakes are mine because I'm too lazy to beg someone to edit for me.

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