Teresa



	My Testimony

	My Christian walk did not especially start out raised by Christian parents; our church visits were sporadic and saved for holidays. I do remember my mother talking about God and spirituality, but shying away from any form of organized religion.

	It was my grandparents on both sides who were instrumental in teaching me Gods Word, taking us to church on Sunday mornings, Sunday evenings, and Wednesday night service. So as a young girl, I got intermittent teaching. I loved Sunday school with my grandparents, even those hard pews we sat on in all types of weather and my favorite time was Vacation Bible School which my moms sister, my aunt, often taught. I still have a bookmark she gave me for attending one whole week.

	I lived out of town for a long period, away from the grandparents and didnt receive much training until my adolescent years when we moved back home. Revivals were big in my grandparents life and anytime they had us kids, they took us along to the big tents or church buildings where it was an all day event. I was in awe of the preacher and loved hearing the bible stories told each time I went and after awhile, I begged to go with them and got very involved in my maternal grandparents church. I would act in plays; attend Sunday school, listen to the old hymns sound through the small church felt the pull of the Lord. I would sit with my grandparents on Sundays with the smell of peppermint gum on Mamaws breath close by me and Old Spice aftershave on Papaws face. I was even given a bible from them one Christmas and later passed this down to my own children.

	I thirsted for more at a tender age, but didnt quite know what it was. When you have little religious background, you cant always know what it is you are experiencing. My childhood was traumatic in many ways and my parents divorced when I was nine years old. This was devastating to me and threw my brothers and myself into a tailspin. It was the constant support of our grandparents and their guiding us, even though not often enough, into church. I felt at home and loved the singing, the people who were warm and loving and wanted to know more.

	I was about 11 when I first became saved. I remember the sermon, one of those fire and brimstone type sermons so often given in the Pilgrim Wesleyan Church of my maternal grandparents. I was later baptized that same week along with one of my brothers. It was such a time of renewal for me, a time in my life I so desperately needed the Lord. I had always felt Him, just didnt know what it was I was experiencing, but His presence had a profound affect on me. I was drawn to the altar where I laid down all my problems, all my sorrows and felt a washing come over me, a sense of peace and love so strong.

	Life took many curves and things at home grew worse, my step-father died while my mother was pregnant with the last of us, a baby boy and grief surrounded us. I became a caregiver and often took my prayers to the Lord. There were times I couldnt attend church as my mother kept me home to take care of her and my brothers and I slipped away from my faith. Yet God was there, like a guiding light comforting me.

	My childhood was tainted with an alcoholic mother and often I would find myself praying in the still of the night for strength, for healing of my mother and for guidance. I was young and surrounded by darkness when I craved the light and word of the Lord. It was not an easy time and I sought solace from my Father in Heaven as I often felt I was at battle at such a young age and so very alone.

	I started back at a local church that held a youth group and once again felt the peace that only the Lord can bring. I got involved in the Sunday school, the choir and anything else I could get into and escape the home life that filled me with pain. It was in this church I met my first husband and we later married. The Lord was my lifeline and without Him I dont know how I might have turned out or felt. He constantly brought people into my life that supported and comforted me.

	I was caught up in youth and a marriage at the tender age of 17 and for a few years went to church whenever I could. My new husband filled me with the love I had always craved and protected me from my alcoholic mother. At the time, I thought he was all I needed in life. Yet, I still walked around feeling emptiness, like something was missing. Soon though, I became a mother and was caught up in all those duties only a mother knows about. My time was filled with diapers, feedings, a move and life itself. I wanted so to bring my children up with the knowledge and love of the Lord.

	It would be a couple years later when I was a mother of two small ones and my brother was killed at 19 that I turned back towards the Lord. I joined a church on my own, took my little ones against my non-Christian husbands wishes and got very involved in the church.

	My walk with God has been an uphill climb and often I would grow away from Him. I lost many more loved ones in my life and found anger inside of me. I struggled with going against my husbands wishes and my love for God. I slipped off the path only to be righted over and over again by my loving Heavenly Father. My husband made it very difficult for me to attend and once again I was thrust into misery for awhile. My children were dedicated in the church and I was pregnant with my third child when we suddenly moved out of state.

	I spent much time in prayer through the years, coming to my savior for guidance. My marriage was now at a crisis and things got worse, yet during this time, the Lord showered love on me. I often felt alone living far from family and friends, pregnant with my fourth child, my marriage in trouble and my mothers death thrust me into a dark time. We moved back home briefly to the influence of my grandparents loving guidance and then moved back out of town a short time later. So many moves, so many churches and struggling with a deep depression I merely went through the motions losing hope in all things. I began to question God why so much tragedy was happening in my life and called out to Him often, yet I felt I was met with a stone wall with no answers. I was in despair and began to slip into a depression.

	During a most difficult time in my marriage, a time when I lost all hope and was merely going through the motions in life my brother called me. He invited me to go with him and my grandmother to Niagara Falls in Canada. I was in a deep depression, worried over my failing marriage and my lack of trust when we boarded the Maid of the Mist and set out for a close view of the falls. Standing at the helm of the boat, soaking wet from the spray of the powerful falls I was in awe of the beauty and started to pray. I had felt so very alone during this time of my life and the kindness of my brother on this trip was a blessing in disguise.

	As we neared the falls I looked down upon the swirling waters and a voice inside me told me to toss it all in there, leave my burdens in the waters and have faith. I started crying, feeling the power of it all weighting heavy upon me and slowly asked the Lord to take away my burdens, to renew my salvation and begin again. Praise God for all His glory, His love and His forgiveness. In a moment of time when I felt so very unhappy and alone, He filled my cup and it ran over. As I watched the waters swirl, felt the salty tears stream down my face, I found hope.

	Smiling I looked up into the sky and the most beautiful rainbow I have ever seen glaring down upon me. I remembered the Lords promise and found this a new promise to me. He would renew me, never leave me and I would find peace. It was a most spiritually magical moment for me and one I shall never forget.

	I wish I could say the rest of my journey to date was filled with this new revelation, but God had more in store for me and took me on a road trip to teach me many more lessons. My life was filled with tragedy of many deaths that would have me sinking lower and lower into grief. I lost many loved ones in the space of a ten-year stretch. My dear grandparents all died the same year, two months apart from each other. Losing my grandparents, all four of them the same year, hurled me into a deep depression. They had been my anchor in times of need, supported me and had been instrumental in my spiritual training.

	The loss of my brother, my mother, my grandparents and then the father of my children, the man I had been married to for 16 years devastated me. Two years after his death in the space of 8 months apart, I would also bury my in-laws, one taking his own life after his loving wife died. Tragedy seemed to surround my life and fill it with darkness. I struggled to understand so much pain. The book of Job became my reading material as I tried to come to terms with so many losses in so short a time.

	Life is funny, and just when we think God has deserted us in the midst of a desert thirsting for something tangible to hold onto, He reappears. He had never left me; it was me that had left Him. It took me awhile, working through the anger of a bad childhood and a marriage gone wrong, before I found my way back to Him. God wasnt to blame for my life; He didnt create these tragedies filled with death, divorce and weak moments.

	In my weakest moments when I felt He was not there, He was. He carried me through it all, waiting on me to bend my will and follow His. He answered my prayers often, yet I was blinded by what came into my life, not truly seeing He had a plan. He sent me a new love, a new husband and blessed me with another child to fill my womb. I had been told about 8 years before I would most likely never have another child. Yet four daughters later and many years, I gave birth to my first son. I named Him Daniel after my deceased brother.

	Every time I have fallen, it was the Lord who picked me up and refreshed my spirit. Without Him I have nothing and am nothing. He has brought me through a dry desert into a beautiful oasis of His love and carried me during those times I was weak. He taught me to love life and the rich blessings He so lovingly gives to us. Even in those dark times, He would send wonderful blessings to shower me with often.

	My testimony is to not lose faith, do not think that because we may fall away all is lost. Our Father is a forgiving Father, a loving, compassionate Father and loves me just as much as I love my own children, perhaps even more. He does not desert us, but is with us, allowing us to make choices, to learn lessons and teaches me daily new ones. I no longer question why some things happen in life. It is part of life, to lose those you love. My life happened to have been filled with many losses, but my gain was the Lord, my savior, the one who is with me always, loves me unconditionally and is always beside me. His love transcends all other loves and is constant.

	I have been a Christian for many years, have stumbled, fallen and been guided back into His fold and am here to stay. I take all my problems to my Father who blesses me daily. He is my friend, my best friend and in Him I place all my trust, all my hope and all my love. I have learned that when I feel like there is a wall between me and God, it is not Him being silent, and He listens, waits and then allows us to take our time to listen to Him.

	I joined Virtuous Woman a few years ago and have been blessed with the women in our group. I have grown more and more each and every day. I love the studies we do, the fellowship and the constant prayers we lift up for each other.

	The Lord is leading me to new places and I am praying I will listen to His calling. I have a longing to do some missionary work one day after traveling much this last two years. One year ago, my brother took me to Panama and I witnessed so much poverty and lack of Christian teaching there. We met with a Pastor of a church in Gamboa where he leads prison ministries and my brother and I joined him one day to witness to the prisoners. We prayed with them, gave them goodie bags filled with snacks and saw with our own eyes the conditions of the prison. These men were starved for God and I am blessed to have been allowed as a woman of God to be there.

	Since then, I have also traveled to Israel, the Holy Land and was touched deeply by all I witnessed. I have since started writing about our journey and feel led by God to continue writing for Him. The trip was filled with many revelations and I saw first hand the Jewish traditions and their ways of prayer. It moved me deeply and woke in me the need to write, to tell the story and to learn more. Walking through the land where Jesus walked, seeing the cities I had so long read about in the bible made it so real and I thirst for more.

	I continue strengthening my walk with the Lord and allowing Him to lead me. Often during times of trouble and the enemy attacks, I know the Lord is there waging battle with me and in me. I praise Him daily for this and the many blessings He showers me with each day.



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