By Bob Hater ( bob_hater@hotmail.com )
9th June, '99

Note:- This column contains strong language and references that some readers may find objectionable.

First let me introduce myself, my name is Bob Hater, and I am a wrestling fan. Well, I am a fan some times and other times I think that the ex-writers for Full House could write better scripts. I have been watching wrestling since the mid-eighties, and I know wrestling, well I at least know what I like and what I HATE.

If you don't like or don't agree with what I write, I got two words for you…F**K OFF, write your own column or shut the f**k up. And so it continues…

TOP TEN THINGS I WOULD HATE TO HEAR JIM ROSS SAY:
1. "Dear Lord, I can't believe it folks, Nicole Bass has just lost her debut match in the WWF, not only that but an evening gown match. King, do I see correctly (puking sounds) NICOLE BASS IS A MAN!!!"
2. "Back by popular demand, the Brooklyn Brawler!!!"
3. "…and the new WWF Heavyweight champion…Road Dogg!!!"
4. "Tonight joining me at ringside will be Jim Cornett. As you all know Jerry "The King" Lawler has been fired for masturbating on air during the Godfather's last match."
5. (During X-pac's Broncobuster) "King, I tell you, I've paid good money for less action than that"
6. "Dear Lord, I can't believe it folks, Chyna has just lost her first evening gown match. King, do I see correctly (puking sounds) CHYNA IS A MAN!!!"
7. "I would like to introduce to you folks, a very exciting young wrestler that the WWF has just signed to a multi-year deal and is expected to get a major push…Dennis Rodman."
8. "King, isn't that your boy Brian Christopher kissing his partner Scott Taylor, and I use the word partner in more ways that one." (Side Note: If you get a chance go to wwf.com and check out Too Much's bio, it is hilarious. I quote "when both men are in the same ring, their cocky antics can become somewhat nauseating", "the duo have a great chemistry", "Christopher and Taylor know that they will be behind each other no matter what") Perhaps a little Too Gay.
9. "The 1999 King of the Ring…Mr. Ass."
10. "Dear Lord, I can't believe it folks, The Blue Meanie has just lost his first Tuxedo match. King, do I see correctly (puking sounds) THE BLUE MEANIE IS GROSSLY OVERWEIGHT!!!"


TOP TEN THINGS I WOULD HATE TO HEAR TONY SCHIAVONE SAY:
1. "Well Brain, I can't believe it my self but DDP has just destroyed Nash, Goldberg, Hogan, Flair, Sting, Macho Man, and Piper in one night. In a totally different topic we would like to announce that DDP has been named head WCW booker for life."
2. "Sh*t Brain, this is the worse main event we have ever had. What do you mean I can't say that? Christ, no one is watching anyway. Look, I can take off my shirt and rub my nipples against the camera, and I'll bet you that we will still have the same ratings."
3. "That's right folks, Konnan has agreed to toss my salad, and peel my potato right here tonight. I can't wait to find out what that's like."
4. "…and the new WCW World Champion…David Flair!!!"
5. "Tonight we will be debuting a fresh, new Nitro girl, she's tall, she's sassy, she's Rupaul!!!"
6. "Tonight joining me at ringside will be Dusty Rhodes. As you all know Bobby "The Brain" Heenan was fired for beating the living sh*t out of me for making asinine comments during matches."
7. "I cannot believe that we have such an amazing main event here tonight. The WCW bookers must have worked their magic once again to set this one up. That's right folks, one night only, Fit Finley vs. Meng for the WCW Heavyweight title."
8. "We are live, from a sold out JFK high school gymnasium in Sh*twater, Arkansas."
9. "Newly appointed WCW President Rowdy Roddy Piper has just banned the Leg Drop, the Scorpion Death Lock, the Figure Four Leg Lock, and wearing pants. He has claimed that all of these could cause serious injury."
10. "Not that I'm gay or anything, but I am in love with Randy Savage, he is one beautiful man. I tell you I would love to watch him shower. Right Brain, he's beautiful right? I'm not gay, Brain. Bobby, where are you going?"

BOB'S RUMORS:
(Disclaimer: These rumors are not real; I have made all of them up.)
- With all the genitalia references in the names of the wrestlers in the WWF, such as Val Venus, Meat, and Beaver Cleavage, the WWF has given a new gimmick to Steve Blackman. He will be now known as Throbbing E. Rection. His finisher will be whipping his opponents with a 3-foot prosthetic penis.
- With all the problems WCW is having filling their seats for their Nitro shows, they have announced a program where any person that purchases group seating of 20 or more seats will get sexual favors from their choice of Nitro girl.
- Dennis Knight (a.k.a. Mideon) has been enjoying his latest gimmick. Especially the crawling around the ring. Although he does feel he will never get a major push. So, he has asked WWF bookers if they will allow him to develop a new character named Fido. He will dress-up like a dog, crawl to and from the ring, carry a bone, and leg-hump his opponents into submission.
- ECW's recent money problems have gotten worse. Their last partnership has fallen through, so ECW has been looking to other places for financial help. The King of Blood has reportedly signed a deal with Tampax©. ECW will be promoting Tampax's© new line of "hardcore" tampons. All tampons will be wrapped in barbed wire for that hardcore wrestling fan.

That is all for the third edition of HATER'S RANT. Got any fake rumors you want me to print or want to send HATE mail (pun intended) e-mail bob_hater@hotmail.com .