By Bob Hater ( bob_hater@hotmail.com )
28th June, '99

(Disclaimer: The following column may contain words comprising of four letters, and hopefully will be found offensive by some readers. The author of this article in no way takes responsibility for anything the devil makes him write. Reader’s Discretion is advised)

This is the Fourth Edition of Bob Hater’s
HATER’S RANT
I know wrestling…well I know what I HATE

If you don’t like what I write, I got two words for you…F**K OFF, write your own column or shut the f**k up. And so it continues…

TOP TEN PIECES OF ADVICE FOR WRESTLERS:
10. Sting - Make up your damn mind, talk or don’t talk. Don’t steal stupid lines from Batman Forever and make yourself sound like a 12-year-old kid dressed-up like Jim Carey at Halloween. I’ve got a riddle for you: What’s black and white and should shut the f**k up?
9. David Flair - Keep riding the wave kid. At least you will have some good stories to tell the boys down at the local DMV, where you will be soon teaching punks how to drive.
8. Shane Douglas - Take the money go WCW. You will need it to buy a McDonald’s© when you are fired in a few months. At least people will still be able to call you “The Franchise”.
7. Vince McMahon - I know too little too late; you should go back to commentating and relieve us of Good ole’ JR’s mindless dribble.
6. Sable - Cut your losses and apologize to the WWF and Vince. You’re up to your tits in hot water (one of my personal fantasies) and you don’t have a leg to stand on (another one of…never mind). Show up on RAW, show us your tits, make out with Debra, and like it!!!
5. Hogan - Go back to old school Hulkster, then retire, save the shred of dignity you have left and retire. Don’t run for president, don’t be a manager, don’t act in movies, just retire.
4. Brian Christopher - Stay injured. At least until your old man gets you a straighter gimmick.
3. Sid - Don’t f**k it up. This could be your last chance; you don’t want to end up working indy shows in Tijuana, for those little packages of Chiclets.
2. Nicole Bass - Remove the implants from your chest and the duct tape from your c**k and wrestle as the male you were born as.
1. Eric Bischoff - When you stage a fake press conference (Master P), have the reporters actually write things down. It reminded me of those infomercials for Ronco© Food Dehydrators.


TOP TEN UNDER-RATED WRESTLERS:
10. Chavo Guerrero Jr - I don’t know what WCW is thinking, just because his uncle is a cripple doesn’t mean he is. This guy is hilarious as a lunatic. Give him back his horse, put him back on Nitro, and quit making him job to losers.
9. Blitzkrieg - He’s got the moves, he’s got a German WWII reference for a name…well, that’s all he’s got, but it’s more than many main eventers can claim. If he could get into the Konnan stable and develop some mic skills he could be a decent mid-carder.
8. Kidman - I know he has held the Cruiserweight strap, but this guy should be a main eventer. Give him a good feud with Luger, his career is over anyway. Not even a hot blond with huge tits can give Luger some heat, then again…
7. Jeff Hardy - I don’t know which one you are but you boys have some good moves and you put on great matches. Now only if you could drop Michel Hayes.
6. Matt Hardy - Too bad about the gimmick though. I’ve read many Hardy Boys books in my day, and I didn’t picture them looking like a hybrid cross of a biker and a gay hairdresser.
5. Jerry Lynn - Those who saw him take on RVD, will have to agree. This guy takes a beating and still puts on a great match. Stamina, some mic skills, and decent moves, a complete package.
4. Hak - It makes me sick having to call this guy Hak. Cough, err…Sell-out…cough, cough. I know the money must be nice but Sandman, you used to be so cool. Hopefully it is only a matter of time until the geniuses at WCW figure out why they signed you in the first place.
3. Steve Blackman - Mic skills are the only thing this guy is missing, if the WWF bookers were smart they would have fit him in as a temporary replacement in the Union for Foley.
2. Edge - He should dump Gangrel and Christian and go solo. Don’t worry they can team up with Marty Jannetty and start a stable called “Dead-Weight”.
1. Chris Jericho - (see every other columnists article about “The Lionheart”)

BOB’S RUMORS:
(Disclaimer: These rumors are not real; I have made all of them up, or people have sent them to me)

WCW booker Dusty Rhodes has just been fired from the movie he was writing the script for. It was a silent, black and white, 8mm porn film entitled “Mute Mitt Munchers”. Apparently the Producers felt that he has no script writing skills whatsoever. Although the Canadian government has shown interest in funding it. (Those who know what I’m talking about will laugh)

Following the recent wave of lawsuits against the WWF, Ted Turner has filed a lawsuit of his own against the WWF. He has named Titan sports, the WWF, Vince McMahon, Steve Austin, the Rock, and everyone at home with a Nielson box as defendants. He is claiming that they are all colluding in an attempt to collapse his company. Reportedly he is also considering adding Eric Bishoff, Kevin Nash and all of the WCW bookers in the suit for purposely ruining the ratings. (Lenny Lowballs Lenny_Lowballs@hotmail.com mailto:Lenny_Lowballs@hotmail.com)

With all the TV, commercials, and media attention Austin, The Rock, and Foley are getting, HHH is reportedly unhappy with the lack of media air time he is receiving. According to my sources, HHH has signed on to promote Pedigree dog food. He will be appearing in 2 commercials both dressed in a dog suit, the first one he will be eating dog food from a bowl, and the second one he will be getting humped “doggie-style” by the dog from “Turner and Hooch”.

Eric Bishoff has decided that he will not be negotiating with Goldberg, in fact, Bishoff has fired Goldberg. Bishoff believes that the one million dollars Goldberg is asking for would be better used to get Kato Kalyn to team up with Hogan and wrestle in the main event at Halloween Havoc against Macho Man and Rev. Jesse Jackson.

That is all for the fourth edition of HATER’S RANT. Got any fake rumors you want me to print or want to send HATE mail (pun intended) e-mail bob_hater@hotmail.com.