By Lenny Lowballs ( Lenny_Lowballs@hotmail.com ) 

This is my first column in the "Most Over-rated Wrestling Personalities" series. My first target is none other than the lovable, knowledgeable Jim Ross.

When Ross was down and out, I hopped on the Good Ol’ JR bandwagon. It was so unfortunate his mom died. It was such a shame he had that nasty bout of Bell’s Palsy. Who cares how the man looks, let him back on TV. Let him do his job. He’s the best in the business. After all, JR is RAW.

After all, a fat, ugly, crippled motherfucker with a frozen face could do a much better job in the booth than that useless sack of shit, Michael Cole.

Or so I thought.

Upon his return, I realized just how good we had it while Good Ol’ JR was gone. People rip on Cole for having no personality and no knowledge of the wrestling industry.  People rip on Lawler for having bad, unoriginal material. Lawler carried the talentless Cole to listenable broadcasts for months while Ross was on the shelf. Hell, I came to realize that the "King" has carried Ross for years, contrary to what the brainless majority seems to believe.

Ross has three lines he rehashes a dozen times each week. The phrases are: "It’s like a car wreck!", "The carnage!", and last, but not least, "My momma’s watching at home." Sometimes he changes up the wording slightly to relieve the tedium. Instead of saying, "It’s like a car wreck" he’ll instead blurt out "It’s like a train wreck!" Sometimes he will incorporate adjectives to spruce up his commentary. He’s rather fond of "ungodly" and "heinous." How many times have our ears been violated with the phrase "the ungodly carnage!" or some other-such incarnation.

At least something good came out of his momma’s death: we aren’t subjected to brainless references to his beloved momma as frequently, although the retarded fat-ass has accidentally attempted to utter this phrase since his mother’s passing. Fucking idiot.

Why in Sam Hell does Ross feel the need to award wrestlers shitty nicknames and force-feed them to the viewers at home? Some of his past gems include the incessant references to the Undertaker as the "phenom", Vader as "the Man They Call Vader", the Legion of Doom as "American Originals", and Steve Austin as "the Texas Rattlesnake". Now our ears are being raped when Mick Foley is referred to as "Mrs. Foley’s boy" or when the Rock is called the "Brahma Bull" or "the Blue Chipper".  The nickname awarded to Shane McMahon is also gold: "the Boy Wonder".  Fuck.

What is Ross' obsession with the wrestlers' backgrounds?  Why does Ross constantly feel the need to subject the viewer to wrestlers’ past athletic achievements? Thanks to Ross, everybody now knows that Ron Simmons, a.k.a. Farooq, was a four-time all American, Vader played football for the Rams and Colorado State, and Rocky Miavia, a Third Generation Superstar by the way, played football for Florida State. But do any of us really give a flying fuck? Come on, Steve Williams was an All-American at Oklahoma State and look where that’s got him. (JR’s boy is a damn fine wrestler, too. His charisma is unparalleled. He is still an amazing talent. His better years are ahead of him. Christ.) If any of these guys actually had the talent to play pro football I highly doubt they would be in the wrestling business.

People say Tony Schiavone is the master of the hyperbole and a shameless company shill. That’s true. These same critics hold Ross on a pedestal and sing his praises. If they could, they would perform felatio on the man, but God knows Ross couldn’t get it up if his bloodstream was replaced with Viagra. These idiots will not admit that Jim Ross is just as bad as Fat Tony is. How many times have we heard Ross utter the words "only in the WWF" or kiss ass in a similar manner? How often has he ripped on "Turner’s promotion down South?" Far too often, my friends. JR is a bigger shill than anyone.

Jim Ross genuinely cares about the fans. He doesn’t want to insult our intelligence. He doesn’t want to mislead the public. Who can forget when Ross brought the fake Razor Ramon and Diesel back because the "fans deserved it"?  Who didn't enjoy Steve Williams' latest comeback, courtesy of JR?  At the latest UK PPV event Ross announced that Goldberg would be on the card. He corrected himself after a lengthy pause, saying Gilberg would wrestle. Goldberg, Gilberg: what’s the fucking difference? (Not much, in my opinion. But that’s another column.)

Each Monday night I hope and pray that Ross has a brutal Bell’s Palsy flare-up on the air. Now that would be fucking entertainment. Can you imagine the ratings that quarter-hour segment would draw?

I would like to conclude with a very telling quote, courtesy of my buddy, Bob Hater:

"Jim Ross isn't qualified to make wallets at the local retard center.  Stupid Ass-fuck."

It's funny because it's true.