By Lenny Lowballs ( Lenny_Lowballs@hotmail.com )
6th June,99

This is column two in the "Most Over-rated Wrestling Personalities" series. This week I’m going to make the Undertaker famous. If you smell what I’m cooking.

I remember many moons ago when the Undertaker debuted. It was at the Survivor Series some ten years ago (if any one of you fuckers e-mails me with the correct date, I will hunt you down, castrate you, and feed you your own testicles) when the "Million Dollar Man" Ted DiBiase introduced his mystery partner. Out came a tall man with reddish hair, accompanied by Brother Love. I recognized him as "Mean" Mark Callous, a member of WCW’s Sky Scrapers (along with "Dangerous" Dan Spivey and Sid Vicious). Immediately I said, "Wow. He’s tall."

He proved my point when he finally got in the ring to grapple. He was tall. For some odd reason, he was also being pushed to the moon. He demolished most of the other team, until he was counted out, if my memory serves me correctly. Quite an impact for a jobber fresh out of the bushleagues (WCW, whatever).

The Undertaker came to be famous for his dark clothing, wide-brimmed hat, and his faithful sidekick, Paul Bearer (who replaced Brother Love). He could also do this funny thing with his eyes, where he cold roll them into the back of his head, exposing nothing but gooey white. Inside the ring he became famous for no-selling all of his opponents’ moves, sitting up with his arms folded across his chest and walking on the top rope while holding his opponent’s hand in a homoerotic manner. The Undertaker had an indestructible air about him. For some strange reason, he was pushed to main event status right away, feuding with the likes of Hulk Hogan and the Ultimate Warrior. He even held the goddamn title.

How times change. A decade later the Undertaker no longer wears a wide-brimmed hat.

"The Phenom" (as that fat fuck Jim Ross would slur) has had a few makeovers over the years. As I mentioned earlier, he lost his cool hat. He also changed the color of his gloves a couple of times. He has more body art and piercings. To please the homosexual community, he also wears more tight leather.

Who can forget the memorable angles he was involved in? The booking department has worked overtime on the creation of entertaining, plausible angles for the Man From the Darkside. Who could forget the sheer brilliance of the Twin Undertaker farce? Or when his "brother" Kane was introduced so they could feud over who set fire to the family home, killing their parents? For the record, at first the Undertaker teased that it was he who set the dreaded fire. Then he blamed Kane when he wanted to be a bigger face. Then he took the blame himself when he wanted heel heat. How about when fat, old Paul Bearer dropped the bombshell that he fucked the Undertaker’s mom and was really "Hellfire & Brimstone" (fuck you, Ross) Kane’s father. Paul Bearer left the Undertaker to manage Mankind and his son, Kane. Then the Kane/Mankind team broke-up. Kane and the Undertaker became a face team. Then a heel team. Now, they’re not friends. Somewhere in there, Bearer left Kane and joined up with the Undertaker again. Fuck if I know.

In recent months, after two millenniums as a major social faux pas, the Undertaker brought the crucifixion back into vogue. He has also attempted to "embalm Steve Austin alive" and form an "unholy union" with Vince McMahon’s daughter. This oversized cocksucker has also managed to retain audience response by "speaking in tongues" and using a cheesy stage dagger to "cut" Phineus Godwinn in a sacrificial ceremony. This goes to show the intelligence level of his fan-base.

We also have the Undertaker to thank for the introduction of the Casket Match. What a brilliant concept: roll your opponent into a casket and shut the lid.

After all these years, you can still say one thing about the Undertaker: he is tall. And he’s the world champion.