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| Chapter 5 - Coming to Terms |
| in the magnificence of the forest, the sounds of the birds, the trickle of water and the heaving of his chest. Peace was returning to Chris’ world. Chris stretched his lithe frame out along the tree roots and rested his head looking up into the canopy. “The magic was still here” he thought as he looked into the heavens formed of huge tree branches reaching for one another at the focus above where he lay. At one point the veil of light threads roping down from the trees reminded him of the curtains of his bedroom when he was a boy. He remembered how magical the white gossamer-like curtains appeared to him floating on a breeze while he lay on his back receiving his first blow-job from his school buddy Billy. Billy was a year older and ten years more experienced than Chris. That was the beginning, his beginning, the awakening, the realization that he was a sexual being capable of experiencing feelings that reached far beyond any he’d ever experienced. Never before had the touch from another been so meaningful, so sensual or felt as deeply. Never before had Chris felt such nearness to anyone other than his mother. Chris realized that he was hooked, that the feelings were second nature and essential to his being. He knew that he would search for more. After Billy had gone, he was somewhat confused by his feeling about this new adventure. Was this the way it would be with everyone or just with Billy, or maybe just with boys. Why then are boys always with girls. Will he feel the same way with girls as he did with Billy? His head was awash with questions. Even at that young age, he knew that the ‘sex’ subject wasn’t something you discussed with grownups. Many of them seemed to deny it’s existence or looked on it as dirty, like shit, and something they feared or that they’d be just as happy to be without. More confusion; Chris had experienced what he later learned was sex only once and it was great. The thought of Billy running his hand back and forth over his penis brought him to an immediate erection and the thought of Billy’s warm wet mouth touching it’s head made Chris squirm with delight and he could feel his entire body being drawn into a tight ball centered around his gut and his cock. So why did grownups avoid or detest it so? Does the wonder and pleasure fade away? Chris lay there among the tree roots, pillowed with mosses, and continued to stare up into the heaven of shimmering leaves. Now and then the breeze evidenced by movement in the canopy would change the appearance of his cool green sky and the new shapes that formed would elicit more memories. The absence of a breeze on the ground and the kinescopic flutter above his head distanced Chris from the real world even more. “What’s real?”, he questioned. Chris’ eyes glazed over again as tears flowed and the sweet sounds of nature were overcome by sobs of his own agony. Knowing that he was quite alone, he allowed himself to feel the full depth of his pain whose echoes reflected back from a hundred trees. “Chris”, came a voice. His name came from the softest, sweetest voice. “Chris, can I help?”, it softly echoed again. Chris couldn’t hear, or wouldn’t hear. The voice couldn’t break through the agony surging through the body of the beautiful man cramped on his side against the giant padded tree roots. Michael crouched down beside Chris’ shaking body, slid his legs alongside and moved his hand over about to soothe his fallen comrade. He could feel the heat radiating from Chris’ head and shoulders. Chris’ grief was felt so intensely by Michael that and instead, Michael slid his arm under Chris, lifted him up and slid his own body underneath. In a instant, Chris was being caressed within the warm and loving arms of his new friend. “Go ahead and cry, babe”, Michael whispered as he rocked Chris in his arms. “Let it flow out of you, sweet man. Let it heal you”. Michael’s gentle touch and soothing manner was received by Chris as though he were once again caressed in the safety of his mother’s bosom. One might think from Michael’s caress and gentle kisses on Chris’ forehead, that they were lovers but there was no one else around, so Michael wasn’t thinking about what others might think. He only knew that from the time he first saw Chris, something rang true in his heart. He knew from that instant that there was something very special about this lithe, golden haired man and that he must do everything possible to get to know him. Chris was in Michael’s future. Michael wasn’t sure how or when but he knew that is was just a matter of time until the chemistry between the two of them would erupt into an all-consuming love. “I’m here for you, my love”, Michael whispered and he kissed Chris’s forehead and turned his cheek against the side of his head. The forest was becoming cool and quiet again and as the sobbing slowly subsided, Chris and Michael fell asleep in the arms of their new lovers. ~~~ Not too much time had passed before the angle of the golden ropes of light piercing the canopy of the forest had moved so as to touch the two lovers resting on the forest floor. Michael was the first to feel the change in light and his stirring woke Chris who, having somewhat recovered from his encounter with his closeted life, sat up and took note of his surroundings. “What the ....” Chris muttered, as he squirmed free from the tightness of Michael’s grip. Surprised and confused, Chris looked at the vastness of the forest cathedral and then at Michael. “My God, Michael. What happened. Where did you come from. How’d ‘ja find me?” Chris’ mind was spinning trying to answer these questions himself. He was consumed with his feeling embarrassment and fear of what he might have revealed. “Wait! Give me a chance to collect myself here. Okay?” “Sure Chris, we’ve got forever to collect ourselves. Let’s not rush this. Okay?”, Michael asked with a warm gentle grin. His sweet face was soft and sweet. The devilish tease was still there but were feelings of love and concern. Michael was in trouble now too and he was keenly aware of it. He’d admitted to himself how much he loved this new friend. He’d even whispered his feelings to the object of his love only an hour or so ago. “Will Chris reject me? Will he belittle my love because I’m, so young? He may already have a partner”. Michael’s thoughts began to spin a little too. “For Christ sakes! How can I be in love in such a short time. I’ve only talked to Chris for five minutes last night and for about an hour or two this morning. How can I feel this way in such a short time.” His mind also reviewed the times he watched Chris from a distance. Michael was keenly in touch with his feelings and the danger of rejection that he faced. Michael began to brace himself. “God, Michael, I’m really embarrassed. I don’t even remember you coming here and .... well, how did I end up.... Oh shit. Did I say anything? What ... what, well what was I talking about? Chris sat up and rested his head between his knees. As Chris stammered in his search for understanding, Michael’s concern slowly changed to amusement of Chris’ dilemma. “Oh shit man! What difference does it make? You were in a lot of pain. What you were saying? Well, I couldn’t understand most of it and it doesn’t matter anyway. You appear to be feeling better now and that was all I cared about” Michael reached for Chris’s shoulders and pulled him back against his chest. Chris’s head sunk safely next to Michael’s chin as his arms surrounded Chris’ body. And for some reason, not even challenged by Chris, he just lay there absorbing the kid’s warmth and breathing in his wonderful fresh fragrance. Michael tilted his head and lay his lips against Chris’ forehead in the most gentle of kisses. His tongue slipped down over his dampened lips and he could taste the sweet saltiness of Chris’ forehead. His lips remained pressed against Chris and his arms could feel the slow gentle expansion and contraction of his loves’ chest. The two lay there, Chris safe in Michael’s embrace; Michael safe in the knowledge that Chris was still with him, trusting him. ~~~ “Do you have any idea what’s going on with me, Michael?” Chris’ voice had finally broken the long silence.” Michael still had his lips pressed against the side of Chris’ head where he wanted to stay but he tilted up only enough to reply in a whisper “No.... well I can guess, but it’s not important that I know right now. It’s only important that you’re back and that I can hold you like this and imagine that it was me that helped you dispel what ever the demons were that made you feel so terrible. I could feel your pain, Chris. And I had no other choice but to try to help you” Chris turned his head back to look at Michael, “My God, Michael, where did you come from? I’ve prayed, prayed for years to God to deliver me from my agony and after all of this time, it’s like.... well, like he’s sent me you” Tears rapidly welled in Chris’ eyes and Michael moved in and kissed each eye. “No it’s just horny ‘ol me, babe” and I got here on my bike. But if God did play a role in bringing us together, which I doubt, then he answered two prayers at once; yours and mine” “You gay?” came a crackled sob from Chris. “Me?” Michael said in surprise, “Me gay?” Michael’s head was up now and craned to look into Chris’ face. Chris turned too and the two lay within inches of each others face looking into each other’s soul. “Hell guy! Damn, yes I’m gay and I’m proud of it too. Couldn’t you guess” Michael’s face radiated the confidence and happiness that Chris would give anything to feel. “Well, yeah. I guess I’d have to be pretty dense not to know. You seem so at ease, though, that I didn’t see you as being any different from anyone else. Yet you are and I really like what you are. I’d be so ashamed to have to admit something like that.” Chris dropped his head back down on Michael’s chest and fell quiet again. “Chris” Michael broke the silence. “Do you know or think that you’re gay too?” Chris lay silent but not still. Michael could feel the tension growing in the body of the guy he’d fallen in love with. It was the same tension that Michael felt when he first picked Chris up from the mossy bed and held him in his arms. “No! Oh! God damn-it. Oh no! I can’t go there. I’ve fought it for most of my life. I can’t let it win. Not after all this time. All I feel is shame and disgust. I hate myself for what I am.” Chris was sputtering and tears were flowing again. And again his words became confused with coughs and flooded with tears. Michael held him tight and pressed his lips back against his forehead. Chris’ blond hair was soft and smelled of limes. Michael was so in love with this man and he held him and whispered to him and rocked him. “You’re a wonderful man, Chris. I don’t understand what’s happened to you in the past but you came through it a wonderful loving man. You have nothing to be ashamed of. If you are gay then we should be celebrating your gayness. You should be cheering with me. We should be dancing and loving each other.” Chris paused to regain his breath, wiped his eyes on the towel he brought from the trailer.... “I’ve never spoken a word of it to anyone in my life... well, except for a preacher. Son-of-a-bitch! No one else, though. You’re the first, Michael. I haven’t known you for more than a couple of hours. But I know that I trust you. It’s odd, but I feel that I’ve always known you. It’s almost like we’ve been brothers. Ya know? Isn’t that weird?” Chris had finally began to realize that Michael really cared, no matter what it was the he was hiding, Michael was there for him. He posed no threat except that Michael was a new portal. A portal to the life he had always kept hidden from others. Hidden, mostly from himself. He was on one side, the side of his family, friends, the people he worked for. Michael was on the other. The portal was dangerous. Michael was dangerous because without trying, sliding to the other side could spell the end to all that Chris knew. “Brothers?”, repeated Michael. “Well, I suppose... anyway I know what you mean. I just hope that we come to mean more to each other than that. I have a brother, Chris, and I love him but you mean something different, something more to me. Ya know what I mean?” “Yeah, yeah I do” sighed Chris. “That’s what I fear most, what I’ve feared most of my life. That feeling for another guy that transcends brotherhood. It’s that feeling I’m not supposed to have. Not for a guy, anyway! ” Chris’s voice trailed off. He wasn’t talking to Michael as much any more as he was to himself. He’d said these words before, always to himself, always the same words “The feelings overpower me and I’m afraid” he whispered. Michael kissed Chris’ forehead and tightened his grip around Chris’ chest. With his right hand he smoothed and caressed the side of Chris’ face and pressed his head of golden fleece against his cheek. “Chris”, Michael whispered, “can’t you tell me a little about what’s going on? I think I know where you are and even though I’ve never been where you are, I’ll bet just talking it out will help you a lot. I’m not too dumb, you know, and I do want to help you if I can.” Michael’s soft firm tone was quite reassuring to Chris. Up to this point, Chris couldn’t imagine how a 17 year old kid could help a guy 28, a guy who should, by now, be capable of standing on his own two feet and not wining about his miserable life. Chris looked up at Michael. “So yes, I’m gay. I guess. But I’m living the life of a regular guy the best I can”. “A regular guy” hissed Michael. “I consider myself a regular guy and you, hell, you’re a very special guy... you are to me, anyway. But, you’re actually two regular guys”, Michael chuckled. “Yeah, one acting out his life like he’s in a play and the other, the great gay guy that you really are. “ Chris smiled and with a little cough “Yeah, I guess you’re right, two lives. But the gay one doesn’t get much opportunity to get out” “Oh babe” cried Michael. “Your gay side is out all of the time. You can’t suppress who or what you are. You’re always gay, always! And you’ve always been gay right from the beginning. You’ve simply learned to harness your soul and force it to live a life of someone else. God, I don’t know how you do it. It’d kill me!” “Michael, I didn’t really have a choice” Chris replied. “My life has been arranged by my parents, my mother actually, and I’ve spent it finding ways to squeeze myself into the mold she set for me. Even the time I spent in college, I was under her thumb. I studied what she had decided I’d study when I was twelve years old. It’s always been a daunting task and I’ve just begun to realize that I worked so hard at being what she wanted me to be, living up to her image of me, I never had the time or desire to investigate what I really wanted. When I do take the time to think about what I want, what would make me happy, I come back to the same old shit, men. I don’t think I even know who I am. Being a pervert is what I fear!” Michael interrupted, “Hell, I know who you are. You’re awesome. You speak to me even when you’re not saying anything. You’re every movement is poetry to my spirit. You smile at me and my world becomes exciting and beautiful. God yes, Chris, I know who you are and if you’re a pervert, then I’m a pervert too as well as many thousands of other great guys who find that they love other guys.” |
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| The atmosphere in the trailer was hot and sticky like you’d expect on a warm June afternoon and Chris’ clothing was beginning to stick to his skin. One quick move and his T-shirt was off and flung over the opposite bench seat. Chris was all alone. John and Gil had the boat out and the new kids had gone off to do what kids generally do to escape the heat on warm afternoons. Chris was having trouble focusing on his writing and was slowly becoming aware of emotions that lay dead now for nearly eight years; this all triggered by the recent meeting with Michael. Chris tried to ignore the feelings by pushing the typewriter keys faster and faster. The shock of each typewriter key as it punched the paper gave rise to similar little shocks inside Chris’ head. Finally, he couldn’t take any more of the nagging going on in his gut so he rested his head against the back of the bench seat, stretched his arms back behind his head and permitted his attention to be drawn to the corner of the ceiling. The walls and the ceiling simultaneously converged at that point. Chris focused on the infinitesimally small point of intersection. No doubt, that was where Chris found himself. “Yes”, he thought, “my worlds are crashing in on me again”. His breathing became heavy. He felt helpless against the attack of his desires, his anguish, his emotions and the direction he feared his life was being pushed. Chris could feel building in his gut, the fear that he’d loose the ability of keeping those worlds separate. A solitary tear began to form at the corner of one eye. He could feel it building, gnawing, clawing, but not new. He could sense his anxiety building. Even though he was keeping his mind essentially blank, focusing on that spot, he could still sense the anxiety building like it had a will of it’s own. It was overtaking him in spite of his efforts to remain calm and detached. His body became rigid and then, as if punched in the gut, Chris gasped and the pain he was holding gushed out with a roar and tears streamed down his cheeks and dripped forming a puddle on the table top. “Oh GOD”, he sobbed, “not this, not again”. His mind switched to his mother and older brother. “How can I live with their knowing, with their hating me?” Flashes of Michael and Terry became scrambled with thoughts of his mother, the beautiful, naked body of his buddy from high school, a fantasy of Michael’s naked ass, his brother’s angry, accusing face, the hatred so clearly imprinted on the face of the stranger who had punched him repeatedly calling him a fag, Michael’s face, Michael’s cock. The old sounds he had known so well were back, swelling in his head, drumming, squealing, devouring him again. Suddenly, Chris was up, he snatched his T-shirt, wiped his face and was out the trailer door in one leap. He jumped the steps to the floor of the porch, slipped on his ratty loafers and dashed out side. Conscious that there was a world out there, he wiped his eyes, quieted himself and dropped to a brisk walk. In less that ten seconds, he was in the wooded area across from the trailer and out of sight. The weeds and tall grass scraped at his bare legs but Chris didn’t notice. He was getting away from that portal to all his problems and nothing else mattered. At one time the campground had been Chris’ retreat from his troubles. Back then he could come here, away from the pressures at home, and breathe. His mind would clear and he could write. Fact is, Chris had done some of his finest writing out here in the wilderness. But now his old shrinks argument about not running from your troubles, was ringing in the back of Chris’ consciousness. Run. Run. That’s all he could hear, all he was thinking...run ... RUN! |
| Tree roots were making walking more and more difficult and the bright blue-white sky was being stamped out by more and more trees. The trees had become giants, the home of someGoliath, Their canopy stood at least seventy feet above his head and the forest had become a huge open cavern carpeted by mosses and ferns. Trunks of trees appeared as columns and pilasters with huge bases and capitals were everywhere supporting the vast canopy. Light streamed through the minute openings in the canopy forming threads of light like clothes lines stretched waiting for the mornings wash. Unlike the trailer back at the campground, the air was cool and sweet and Chris became aware of birds floating from the trees to the under growth. They were just about the only sound, that and water rushing somewhere nearby. Chris tripped over another huge root and came to rest at the base of another mammoth tree. The bark on this tree was smooth and dry, inviting Chris to sit and stay. He sat down, leaned gently against the crotch formed by roots, sank his elbow into the mound of soft moist moss and found himself |