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jun
13/04
on the morning of june
8, i was lying in bed awake. i got onto thinking again. didn’t
know how the scene of <<the life of david
gale>> suddenly got onto my mind. it was
that horrible scene where the women suffocated herself on the
floor. it
wasn’t the scene itself that I don’t like to be
reminded of, but the significance of the movie to us, well, at
least to me. it’s been long since i
let myself continue on the thought of these “special”
movies, filled with memories of him; but this time, i didn’t even realize it, and when i did notice it was one of those movies, a
smile was put onto my face. A SMILE! can you imagine how significant that
was?! these
memories of him, which usually brought me pain and depression,
got a SMILE out of me. i was so excited and
just wanna get up and write the whole
experience down. but alas, i
didn’t. all i managed to do
was look at my clock. it was 3:00 am. on june
8, 3:00
am, i knew I was
over him.
i was so convinced of my new
found “confidence” that i
decided to put onto this site my little self-encouraging cd mix, <<??? >> mix, whose title corresponds to the
<<…>> mix i made for
him. maybe someday i can let this go enough as to
“publish” the <<…>> mix (and the
“… 2” which i don’t have the
courage to give him anymore) here as well.
…
this afternoon, however, the thought of
him came up again. it
reminded me of the mcdull card, with
the words “忽 然 間 想 起 你” that i
bought in june 2003 for him while i was in hk. i haven’t got the courage/chance
to give it to him. i do hope that this
is just one of those “sudden attacks”, and not to
ruin my whole “progress”. nonetheless,
deep inside i knew it will be a tough
time, as that was once in a lifetime that the so-very-passive me
has “overcome my limit”. i’m afraid i
won’t do that ever again in my life. and i’m
worried that i won’t be able to
have such “…” feelings for anyone anymore, as
this is precisely what i’m
feeling right now --- that is, no feeling for
anyone at all.
anyhow, i realized
that all i ask for is to get things
back to normal. (or should I say, for his attitude towards me
to get back to normal.) to have those whom i
care for around me. to be
happy again, which i
haven’t been for such a long time. it’s
that simple. i miss the happy me.
:..:
:.:: :.: :. :::. ::..
apr
24/04
bought a 檀 香 wooden bracelet
with mum today. i noticed that there's little 葫 蘆 on it, mum said
all 彿 珠 are like
that. i
then asked, what actually are the 彿
珠 for? i am
just using this one for 裝
飾 . she answered, "these are
for reminding yourself 要
放 低 ." i wondered if buddism
and chrisitianity have the same
"theories". mum
said, chrisitianity has more positive, 積 極 teachings, while
buddism tells one to be less 執 著 . that's exactly my problem --- 執 著. i asked, is it more appropriate to
first learn the teachings of buddism,
then turn to those of chrisitanity. mum
said it may be a bit easier. one needs to first learn to 放
低 and be less 執 著 before one can
learn to love others, as preached in chrisitianity. if one loves others, but is
very 執 著 in doing so,
he'll never be happy. maybe i should get some 彿 經 to read up a
bit. mum said, "自 己 ‘頓’ 下 咪 得 囉 ." v: " ‘頓’ 到 就 唔 駛 問 你 啦 ..." m: "咁 又 係 ﹐ 你 咁‘鈍’!!" v:
"..."
:..: :.:: :.: :. :::. ::..
apr
21/04
sometimes i wonder if i’m gonna be
a quitter all my life. quitted everything before the real stuff comes
along, deeming myself “unsuitable”. then i’ll go start something anew, with
enormous hope that i’ll succeed this
time. but
i can never, never guarantee to be
“suitable” for this other field. what
if i found myself not good at that
again? it’ll
be a cycle all over again.
feels like i’m never gonna
be good at doing anything...i’m
scared.
:..: :.:: :.: :. :::.
::..
mar 19/04
suddenly recognized what kind of guys i'll
most likely fall for. not necessarily "love" them, but i'll fall for those who show talents in areas
i like but am not particularly good
at. music, art, even
"games"...just one single area will be enough...now
that i've given it some thought, those
that i've already fallen for can all be
categorized that way. (i've even noted the
physical qualities (specifically eyelashes & fingers, wierd...) i noticed
from a guy. oh man, i'm so busy
yet i'm so deep in my
"self-discovery". haha.)
come to think of it, i've got so many
interests, so it may not be hard for me to fall for another guy,
yet again. it's a cycle man.
then i wonder, i
myself don't have any such kinds of "talents". i'm interested in so many things, but
then i am not "mastering" in
any of them. that is so typical of me. impatience. that
means i've got no qualities whatsoever
for someone else to fall for?? oh my god...that's the end of
things?! i'm gonna stay single forever~?!
then it comes to me...the only thing i'm
good at is writing. writing bits and pieces, like the one you're
reading right now. people tend to do more of the things they're
good at. you can say that it's human nature. that explains why i bs so much here,
with no one reading, no one appreciating, rather than talking to
someone about these thoughts of mine. i guess i'm
just no good at talking.
:..: :.:: :.: :. :::.
::..
mar
14/04
finally got my anticipated damien
rice’s album~ and got
some other new albums as well. tonite
will be a nite indulged in music...
:..: :.:: :.: :. :::.
::..
feb
28/04
對 待 感 情 就 像 對 待cell
一 樣
, 總 捨 不 得 把 舊 的 換 掉 。 總 是 想 著 它 剛 剛 推 出 時
, 自 己 花 了 多 少 時 間 詳 細 研 究 它 的
spec, 清 楚 它 是 適 合 自 己 了
, 才 敢 用 很 高 價 錢 把 它 買 來
; 然 後 又 花 了 很 長 時 間 把 它
"打 扮"
得 漂 漂 亮 亮
, 由
screensaver & wallpaper 至 響 聲 至 電 話 繩 電 話 套
, 都 花 了 不 少 心 機 去 挑 選
; 對 待 它 更 是 緊 張 得 要 命
, 小 心 翼 翼
, 唯 恐 它 有 所 損 壞 。
可 惜 原 本 新 的 始 終 一 日 亦 會 變 舊
, 心 裡 知 道 是 時 候 換 了
, 卻 還 是 下 不 了 決 心
, 因 總 是 找 不 到 令 自 己 非 換 不 可 的 一 部 。 到 處 都 是 新 款 色
, 部 部 也 是 有 過 之 而 無 不 級
; 明 明 找 到 了 一 款 新 型 號
, 工 能 設 備
, 各 樣 也 不 比 之 前 那 部 遜 色
, 偏 偏 就 是 不 肯 把 舊 的 賣 掉 。 是 擔 心 吧 ﹖ 擔 心 它 不 如 想 像 中 適 合 自 己 吧 ﹖ 是 害 怕 嗎 ﹖害 怕 終 有 一 天 也 是 要 做 同 樣 困 難 的 決 定 嗎 ﹖然 而
, 沒 想 到 的 是
, 原 本 擁 有 的 它
, 其 function 卻 已 在 你 沒 發 覺 之 時 壞 掉 了。 它
… 再 已 不 及 從 前 買 回 來 時 合 適 了 。
我 想
, 現 在 唯 有 等 待
, 等 待 著 新 的 一 部
, 真 正 值 得 買 下 的 它。
:..: :.:: :.: :. :::.
::..
feb
25/04
i can’t believe this!! I found the amano x sandman comics here in hk!! never in my dreams have i
thought of finding it here, in the most unlikely place! and
there’re other sandman comics collection too. oh i’m just so very glad…
:..: :.:: :.: :. :::.
::..
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