He was such a good father to him,and i couldn't have wished for a better husband.
had always wanted a son called .He would tell me frequently when i was pregnant with ,and me and had our daily chat about the birth,names,whether we wanted a boy or girl.All that baby crap!
Don't get me wrong i love ,but that's what it is.Crap.
No amount of books can ever tell you what parenthood is really like,how much labour hurts,how hard it is to actually look after the baby once it's born.To feed it,to clothe it,to find enough money to put a roof over it's head or to shelter it from all the pain and suffering in the real world,outside of your perfect lives.
I heard laugh slightly and watched on as sang my favourite song 'Not Alone'.
It was the lullaby me and sang to .No bedtime story,kiss,cuddle,drink or food could make sleep.
Oh no had to have a bedtime song to send him off to the land of sleeping babies!
I don't blame him though.'Not Alone' is such a beautiful song. wrote it himself when he was going through a rough part in his life.
I can understand why though. is a mummy's boy!And he misses his family like crazy.I miss my family too,of course i do,but it's slightly different for .
"Lets go and see mummy." said once he'd finally finished singing,kissing 's forehead.
I looked up from where i was sat cross legged on my bed.Only it wasn't my bed,it was just a spare room,where had forced all the pain and hurt to hide away.
I found myself gleaming as pointed at me and said clearly 'Mummy'.It was his first word!
"Come on lets go.You need your sleep." picked up once more and closed the door firmly behind him.
I couldn't help feeling this was all my fault.It was my fault that was this way.
" ! how is he?"I heard ask me.
"Huh?Oh he's fine.He's just put to sleep."I lied. could tell,he knew me too well,but decided not to dwell on it.
"So hows ?And ?"I enquired,eager to find out how my best friend and niece were coping.Well when i say niece i don't really mean it.It's that kind of thing that you do.Y'know your best mate has a kid so you instantly become known as 'Auntie ' because you hang out there every day!
"Their fine. seems a little tired,but so would you if you had to look after a two year old kid day in,day out."
My head dropped instantly,and i felt the tears prick the back of my eyes.
"I'm sorry .I shouldn't have said that." apologised as soon as he realised the words had slipped out of his mouth.
"No.It's fine.It's the truth anyway.I'm not allowed to touch ,to hold ,to talk to ,to kiss goodnight."I replied,looking deep into 's eyes.
"Hey hey shhhh.I know.Don't worry about it you're not the only one babe.Look at me.I'm in the same boat as you,and i know what it feels like to be told you can't hold your child.I want nothing more than to kiss goodnight and to tell i love her.But i know the concequences of that are too high to even risk!" soothed,as he rubbed my back,but i was immune to his touch.
My heart ached as i watched my husband break down in a flood of tears.
And the thing that made it even worse,that kept shouting itself out in my mind,that wouldn't let me forget,was that was crying
I felt the tears slide down my cheeks.Tears of hurt,pain,anger,but most of all,tears of guilt.
" you need to come with me." shouted,fear in his eyes.
" i can't be bothered."I replied in a mono tone.
" i'm being serious.You
"What's up?"I asked,getting up off my bed and walking over to ,my fingers entwining in his.
"It's .She's been in an accident."I watched as the tears fell from 's deep eyes.
" you've got to go and see her."I stated,pushing him slightly.
"NO. there's more."I gulped as i listened to intently.
I pushed the door open violently,causing it to fall backwards on as he followed me.
" calm down!"
"How can i when my husband's about to die?"I shouted back.
" .Think about it.This can only be a good thing." replied.
"No it's not .I don't want it to end like this. doesn't deserve it."I started,but couldn't continue due to the tears.
"But ..."I stopped him.
"I know what your about to say,but no.It's not just mine and 's happiness i've got to think about.It's 's too!"I finished,as we stopped,looking on at the two rooms ahead of us.
"Shit.I only just remembered. ." whispered.I rubbed his shoulder.
"I'll see you soon."I stated,as i walked into 's room.
As i walked in,i noticed a cot in the corner of the room.
I wandered over and was confronted with an empty space.I was confused and didn't understand.
My head suddenly started to pound as i heard a baby crying.The sound was distant,but still loud enough to make my head throb.
A white light flashed infront of my eyes,causing me to close them tightly.When i opened them again,i looked down and in my arms was .
I nearly screamed,but controlled myself and looked down into 's eyes.Just like his father's.
I didn't understand though.I was forbidden to touch ,and now,here he was,in my arms?Something was seriously wrong...unless...NO WAY THAT COULDN'T HAVE HAPPENED!
I felt the tears start again,but they immediately stopped when i heard 's moniter start to beep furiously.
It sounded like ,but i knew that wasn't possible.
"Time of death,01:25 am."
My eyes widened and i jumped back,making sure that i had a tight grip on though.
He was dead. was dead.Gone.But where was he?
" ."I turned around to be met with 's lips.
"Hold up!This doesn't feel right.How come i can't feel this kiss?" questioned,confused by what was happening.
" your dead.You can't feel anything.Your immune dude!"I giggled.
smiled at me.
"That's my girl!" laughed
"And that's my boy." spoke again,bending down slightly to kiss 's forehead.
" .We're a family again!"
"I know...great huh?"I smiled back at him.
"I'm sorry for trapping all the memories away in here,but i just couldn't bare to look at the photo's of you every day,or to see your clothes,shoes,perfume,whatever,because i knew i would never get you back." quickly apologised.
"Shhh. it's fine.We're together now,and look.You've done an excellent job with .I watched you by the way.I used to sit on the bed.Here."I said,taking 's hand and leading him to the bed.
"And when said his first words.I was so proud.Of him...and you."I kissed 's cheek,knowing he missed my touch more than anything.
"You...you were there through everything?" whispered,suddenly realising he was never alone,which was kind of ironic to his song 'Not alone'!
"Yep.Oh and i love what you did with the room.Now c'mon we've gotta go. and have just arrived in Heaven!"I winced,as my head started to ache from and 's shout of joy.
"Argh what is that?" enquired.
"Whenever someone dies,you can hear their welcoming."
With that I took 's hand and led him away. crawled behind,clutching the photo of me he had said his first words to.
[The End]